You wanna crown her? Then crown her ass!

Well, Denny, I'm not sure what you mean by that. But either way, whether you mean crowning Megan Fox as the new queen of the Jessica Alba Division or some kinky sexual act in the vane of the Frugal Chinaman (disregard the fegacious spelling in the link), I'm game.


Let me back up a second and give you some background on the JAD. I have named my own personal chick lists after the archetypes that made me start thinking about the topic in such a fashion. You got the Rachel McAdams division and the Jessica Alba division. Now you probably already know what I mean if you know me at all or have any traces of testosterone in your endocrine system. For readers slow on the uptake, the Rachel Div is the "wife me up" division and the Jalba Div is the "sex me up" division. This is not to say I wouldn't wanna lock down the Jalba or have a ravenous night with the Rach. In fact, crossovers are allowed and encouraged. The classification is based on the raw instincts that are elicited by the thought/sight of the subject. (You PUAs out there might recognize this as pair bonding vs the urge to f-close.)


Rachel remains on the top of her eponymous division despite not having completed any works relevant to me in the past 3 years. The reason for this is 3 fold. 1.) She hasn't done anything recently to dimish her status, like say getting pregnant, or the Herp from a certain Yankee Captain 2.) I saw Wedding Crashers for the 95th time pretty recently. 3.) The Notebook


Where Rachel remains a Rocky Marciano undefeated heavyweight champion type, Jessica Alba is more like Roy Jones Jr. Like Jones' domination of the light heavyweight division (he held all 7 belts from Feb '02 to May '05), Jalba was the long time undisputed champion of her own true division and perhaps GOAT (or HOAT, as Maktar might say). Jones also captured a lesser heavyweight belt against a lame opponent (John Ruiz) which is akin to Jalba's peak as number 3 in the Rachel division. Jessica also has her blemishes, which coupled with Fox's now meteoric rise has knocked her off the pedastal. Jones has his criticisms of weak opponents, 4 losses, allegations of taking Andro, and a connection to cock and dogfighting and Jalba has her aforementioned pregnancy and STD. Not to mention her blonde hair in the fantastic 4 creeping me out. Shades of RuPaul. Although don't get me wrong, Jessica Alba is like a combination of Bill Gates and Bruce Wayne and Ru would be like one of those dudes who goes through your trash looking for plastic bottles. For these reasons and others that I am not self aware enough to uncover, Jessica has unfortunately fallen off in recent years.


Which brings us to the winner....and NEW Champion of the Jessica Alba Division! Megan Fox! To what does she owe her ascent? Glad you asked. Exhibit A. She's ridiculously hot. Chicks that I talk to while I'm thinking about Megan Fox get hotter by mental diffusion(osmosis is for water, people). Now, like Mystery approaching a 10+ you may ask, "what makes her so special?" After all, beauty is everywhere. First there are her views on Nancy Botwin's cash crop. Rational thought = hot. She also claims to enjoy sex. A lot. That could be a publicity ploy (that same claim boosted Jalba's stock back in the day), but I'd like to think otherwise. And finally, the icing on the cake. You may have heard about Nikita, the stripper she fell in love with. I don't think that takes further explanation. T-Pain is a fine man to emulate, let's just hope she doesn't switch r&b role models and start peeing on 14 year olds.

(Note: In "researching" this post I came across plenty of evidence to contradict that Jessica Alba isn't the hottest chick on the planet. But, they are old pictures. Old pictures might have Britney Spears at number 1. These lists are for now, and right now Fox wins.)