To preface this post, most of it is borderline nsfw and some of it is slightly explicit/offensive.
To start it off...
(The Sleazer reccommends listening while reading)
I gotta give props where they're due, and Ahole - in one of the biggest emo music upsets of the century - introduced me to this fly version of the Fat Joe song. On a similar note...
Look at that man, how can someone with instincts so mischievous look so innocent?
One of today's hottest new trends for sports sites is hosting a fantasy football league. There are countlesshours of marketing, interface usability, and mock drafting that escort these project leagues. While I'm not advocating that we here at Fegonomics pioneer our own prototype lair of fantasy football power, I would like to help you associate your draft day picks with something more salacious than sitcom. All weathered draft room veterans know that every pick usually doesn't pan out, but before you go waste away and whisper cry to "screaming infidelities" over a misstep take a second to acclimate yourself to a world where wasted potential segues to wet dreams. Here's a list of draftable fantasy RBs and their vixen analogs. Drafting and chix, that's what Fegonomics does!
The Hotrod - Adrian Peterson/Megan Fox
Similarities: If there's one thing that sets these two apart it's that they both have one hell of a chassis. Fegonomics has a well documented affair with these Lamborghinis, as we've seen Makhtar ogle over the AP mixtape and many a prebuscentFegonomist "find himself" to Miss Fox. Beyond their preternatural bodies and athletic ability I can't say that either one of these two has much more to offer, but in the scope of life aren't those the only things that matter anyway?
Draft Day Diagnosis: Every year there is one no brainer, AP is it. Don't draft Shawn Alexander. Built for Speed - MJD/Michael Turner/Vida Guerra
Similarities: In the Hip Hop Bible, the inked up prophet Ja Rule 4:12 said it best, "It must be the ass..." While Ezekiel Rule's career has dissipated faster than a Tiger Woods' whoopi cushion, this one doctrine still holds true for athletes and starlets alike. This Cerberus of lower body flesh is exhibit A, B, and C of what is right with the world. Ok so those were all big booty pics of Vida, are the other two here? Then fuck em!
Draft Day Diagnosis: I've seen yaboy MJD ranked as high as first in some mock drafts. The first rule of fight club might be don't talk about fight club, but the first rule of Fegonomics is DO NOT draft Maurice Jones Drew first in your fantasy draft, though I do like him as a top five commodity. The Burner is a little more of a roll of the dice considering he crossed that 350 carry threshold that one Falcon never recovered from. I ain't sayin Turner won't be a valuable fantasy back this year, but you won't see me doing the dirty bird if he's gotta be my stud (please watch that video to the end and tell me that isn't the perfect sim of what will happen at my And1 wedding).
Next Generation - Steve Slaton/Kristen Bell
Similarities: Kristen Bell is best known for her work as teen super sleuth Veronica Mars and Slaton possesses the speed of a lava bug that could survive the de-oxygenated atmosphere of the big Red Planet. Makhtar has been plugging and tugging to Ms. Bell all week and while I'm always down with a girl in glasses, he may be fluffing her past the realms of my comfort. Note: She is not the last we'll see of Forgetting Sarah Marshall in this post.
Draft Day Diagnosis: While he doesn't possess prototypical size, he is a blur outside of the tackles and between the 20s. Biggest perk is that he doesn't have a real back up, unless you're still enamored by Cha Man. Definitely not a stalwart like say a Adimchinobe Echemandu behind him. Expect this former Mountaineer to go buck wild when Stump the Schuab returns in Week 4.
Mr. and Mrs. Brightside - LT/Jessica Alba
Similarities: Both spent multiple years at the top of their respective professions (NFL and Maxim, FHM, and Ask Men's top lists) and both saw precipitous fall offs this pas year caused by unfortunate hanger-ons (toe injury and baby). I bite my tongue when I say this, but it's very likely that we may never see either of these two return to the pinnacle, and that they are both destined to a life as a shell of their formerselves. But anything is possssssssibleeeeee, as the end of this list suggests.
Draft Day Diagnosis: Just last year LT was making cool commercials and was a no brainer to break Emmitt's all-time rushing record and I thought he'd be toasting DBs until he was at least 35. 2008 proved to be a song sung to a different tune as LDT struggled to eclipse 1,000 yards and only had two 100 yard games. I still believe he has significant value because San Diego's offense has so many weapons, and if he somehow falls to the second round in your draft take him and exercise your right to say this to the other draftees.
Precocious Posse - Reggie Bush/Jennifer Love Hewitt
Similarities: As a culture we are enamored by those who achieve greatness at a young age and we impress our hopes and dreams on the forebrow of many a child prodigy. J-Lo Hewitt was raised a child actor, finding early success in projects like Party of Five and the teen thriller I Know What you Did Last Summer. Bush also touched God at a young age celebrating yard after yard of success, evident in his super famous high school mixtape. What the average patron might not know is that these two share an insatiable desire for C-list celebrities. Bush had been keeping up with Kim Kardashian for the past two years before recent news of their break up, but J-Lo H is the real Asimov of pop culture ineptitude. Her triumphs include LFO's Rich Cronin (who's actually cool), TRL's Carson Daly, and current squeeze Jaime Kennedy. It's like she's trying to date Seth Green's beta bot character from her film Can't Hardly Wait. Pitiful.
Draft Day Diagnosis: If your league still counts return yards then Reggeggie can still be the asset. If not I don't see him taking any goal line carries away from Pierre "I'm Actually Black" Thomas. While Brees will probably sling it for around 5K again, don't expect Bush to be netting more than 1,200 total yards, unless he stays healthy.
Business Time - Fred Taylor/Heidi Klum
Similarities: Both have had to reinvent their careers as they've experienced a decline in their skill sets, but Klum is still the first suggestion when Googling Heidi (Freddy ain't even on the list). It doesn't take an artist's eyes to see how far they've both fallen while still remaining effective. This was the first picture I ever get a permaboner to and Fred is currently the league's active leading rusher. What really flummoxes me here is how well a guy who sings about roses has done. Blame it on the Po ah ah ah ah ah ck Marks! One more for the road, JESUS.
Draft Day Diagnosis: He will make a big play at some point in the season that will facilitate the Patriots winning a game, but he has almost zero fantasy value as do most of the Pats running backs. Unless you want to be serenaded by a room full of dodes singing Kiss From a Rose, stear clear of Fragile Freddy.
The Sleeper - Donald Brown/Mila Kunis
Similarities: Here are two fairly uknowns that could see huge returns by the end of 2009. They come from small systems (UConn and That 70's Show) but have been catapulted forward by admission into showcase systems. One Fegonomics follower, Butters Sinick, has come out as saying Forgetting Sarah Marshall is one of his favorite movies ever. While this claim is absolutely incredulous, it does show a development of Kunis' character from oft targeted Punk'dee.
Draft Day Diagnosis: Brown benefits greatly from Joseph Saddai Another Day's reluctance to remain healthy. If Donald can come out of the backfield and catch passes he could become a nice check down option for Mr. Manning especially with Marvelous Marvin out the door. If you can snag him in the 5th round or later, ride him as a flex to the ship.
They're Baaaaack - Michael Vick/Britney Spears Similarities: I don't even know where to start with these two miscreants. Spears once lauded as the teenie bopper savior, fell further than any celebrity we've even seen since MJ. She married a fego back up dancer who subsequently filmed her getting all coked up and doped up and then divorced her to pursue his hip-hop career. She was caught literally flapping in the wind (NSFW) in a limo with Paris Hilton and then purged herself of all evilness by going G.I. Jane up in hurr. This just seems ohso long ago. Vick's path isn't much different. In January of 2005 he signed a 10 year $130 million contract with $37 million guaranteed! Since then he's served two years in jail after being convicted of heading an underground dog fighting operation, filed for bankruptcy, and worked as a construction worker for $10/hr. The great thing about America is that we're a land of second chances, and these two are living proof of that "tabla rasa" system. Britney has come back to produce such hits as Womanizer, Circus, and If You Seek Amy (get it!) and actually looks pretty hot and lucid now. As of today, Vick was granted a second life by his boy Donovan McNabb who apparently vouched vehemently for the Crime Dog amongst the Iggles coaching staff. With the help of Tony Dungy as a mentor, Vick signed a 2 year deal worth upwards of $7 million. This is a man who was eating sloppy joe's everyday for the last 24 months. What kind of playing shape is he even in? I guess once a freak always a freak.
Draft Day Diagnosis: Vick will most definitely be riding the pine for my team especially if he is granted eligibility at 3 different positions. He has the responsibility of upholding my team's namesake, Simple Vick, and even if he doesn't sniff the field you know it's good karma to play altruist in these kind of situations. Don't be surprised if a heavy-handed Andy Reid loses it on McNabb like he did in the Eagles/Ravens game last year and inserts Vick in for a quarter or two. If there's one player the Wildcat was made for, it's our boy Simple Vick.
Dearest Reader: Fegonomics is going through a slight facelift, so please pardon our dust. Despite whatever hiccups you may encounter, just know that under the hood, the Fegos you've grown to know and love are still here. We're still going to reference the same shitty TV shows, we're still going to blatantly cop Bill Simmons' style, and we're sure as hell still going to circle jerk over this Adrian Peterson video (My Favorite Mix of All Time):
Stay big guys. Enjoy the freaks.
Herbert Freak Lane Kiffin
You may be asking yourself, "What the fuck is a Herbert." The culturally elite among us know that Herbert is also more colloquially referred to as the dirty old man from Family Guy. What does this have to do with Lane Kiffin? Well, apparently Nathan Lane Kiffin decided to dangle the proverbial carrot in front of his team during the off-season, promising that those who kept in shape would get a special reward. No, it wasn't a one-on-one Tummy-Sticks session with the good old ball coach (Kinda NSFW), or a mass team circle jerk over the Candace Parker/Shelden Williams Sextape--no, no, it was something far more homoerotic. Their reward was this, the right to pose for a "Men of Tennessee Football" Poster:
Truth be told, I'm not exactly sure what we're looking at. I see All-Neptune Safety Eric Berry draping a chain around himself like some horrendous Princess Leia Cosplay star (Ok, sorry about that picture, here's a good one to soothe the pain, thought it's NSFW). The rest of the guys are staring blankly at the camera with their pants unbuttoned, pretty much oblivious to the fact that they look like Jeff Garthia's love children. And what does the license plate "DBLE T'S" supposed to mean anyway? Tirk Tiggler (Rill Rill NSFW)? It's fucking funny, but nothing about this video makes sense, really.
However, when put against Bruno Kiffin's larger body of work, the coach's sexual deviancy becomes clear. This is the same guy who decided to get recruits excited for UT by having them strip off their shirts while he watched in the wings, kneading his diack like it was Pizza Days dough on NQR night. This is the same guy who got a 13 year old to commit to his school (who conveniently happens to be Eric Berry's kid brother), and will presumably groom him as his resident cabana boy.
Listen, I know that cLANE Aiken has gone through a difficult stretch. It must be extremely humbling to get canned by Cryptkeeper Al Davis, a guy so senile he thinks Pudge Heffelfinger is still in the league. Moreover, ever since he's gotten hired at Tennessee, he's gotten ram jammed with NCAA violations left and right. Clearly, LANcE (Bass) is in over his head in any position of authority, but that is no excuse for him to project his sexual proclivities onto his unsuspecting players in the form of thinly-veiled incentives. A spyda does what a spyda do, but just keep the kids out of it, mayne.
Cognitive Freak This Poindexter
Hot Clicks beat me to the punch a little bit on this one, but this kid's skills deserve a shout-out nonetheless. I only know a few idiot savants who can solve a rubix cube in under 5 minutes (mah man Huff Daddy), and a handful of dodes who can smash Guitar Hero on expert (Dream, Ernest, etc.). But both at the same time? That's some Kim Peek shit right there.
*Begin Non-Sequitur* Let me dwell on Kim Peek for a second. Not only does cha man have an encyclopaedic knowledge of pretty much anything, he also has perfect pitch, and perfect recall of any song he's ever heard. I mean jigga mean has a snake cock to boot. (Ok, I made that last part up, but would you really be that surprised if he did?). Kim Peek is the exact reason that I started writing about freaks in the first place. Truly an inspiration to us all. *End Non-Sequitur*
What really puts this task over the top is that both of these tasks are based primarily on colors. To be able to parse out the conflicting visual information that was coming into his brain is just incredible. I haven't seen multi-tasking on this level since I stopped rubbing myself while talking to you guys on Gchat. Oh you don't think it's happened to you?! Think again! You just got Smegma'ed!! Too bad he can't bench more than 15 pounds....Hit the weights, son!
Indie Dreamboat Freak Zooey Deschanel
You know, I'm not the biggest fan of ganja weed. Generally, getting smoked up and doped up leads to me getting all paranoid, fearing that my life is spinning out of control to the guitar solo in Freebird. That being said, I have a really big soft spot in my heart for girls who sound like they're stoned. Don't ask me why, but something about a chick toking up (Kinda NSFW) and then hitting me up for a bag of Cheetos Flamin' Hots just gets me all hot and bothered. Which is why this Zooey Deschanel clip gave me Sienna Miller-level permaboner
Say what you will about Zooey being a generally goofy person, but girl looks like she's about to break out a Taco Town grab bag of munchies. I mean, just watch at the 40 second mark, you saying she doesn't have some of that Cali-weed in her system? Jigga, Please (NSFW).
On top of this, Ms. Deschanel is the star of the summer sleeper hit, and every beta's life-affirming moment, 500 Days of Summer. Truthfully, this is just a really clever, well done movie, and I'd encourage everyone, alpha and omega alike, to check it out if they have the chance. A big reason why this movie seems so believable is that Zooey is exactly the type of girl that guys go meta-beta over. She play the quirky, indie flower child role to a T.
And if that weren't enough, she's one half of indie upstarts She & Him. My plaudits just can't come fast enough for this girl.
I'll just come out and say it. I'm hereby challenging her fiance, Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie fame, to a cock-off for Zooey's hand in marriage. You may be thinking that a cock-off is a weird challenge to make for someone who's traditionally been considered on the lightswitch spectrum. But have you listened to Transatlanticism? There's no way he's sporting more than a tootsie roll. You just got JACKED-UP!
We here at Fegonomics are all about full disclosure, so let me share two little nuggets of wisdom for you before we get started with the freaks of huck:
1. I thought that this "Freaks of the Week" business was going to be a lot easier than it has turned out to be. You know, I thought that I'd see a Jarron Gilbert here and a little Heather Brooke there, and the article would write itself. What I failed to recognize is that we're currently in a Pro-Sports no man's land, especially with baseball at its All-star break. If you've had the misfortune of flipping to ESPN recently, you've probably realized that all they're showing right now is the World Look at My Pubes competition, and the Fossilman picking his ass. I guess what I'm saying is, enjoy the dregs, the best is yet to come.
2. (Unrelated to point 1) I got felt up in a restaurant by a kid who was twitching around in a wheelchair. I think we all recognize that this is the most action I've gotten in pretty much a year. I think the whole "FML" thing has jumped the shark, so here's its heir apparent: waaaoooowwwwwww.
Onto the freaks:
90 Inches of Pain Freak Anthony Randolph
Don't let his Earthworm like physique fool you--Randolph is a straight up baller. I realize that it's kinda like saying that he won a Planet Fitness Body Building competition, but Randolph has been tearing up the NBA Summer league (Though there's a 60% chance that one of his opponents was the original Makhtar N'Diaye). The guys at FreeDarko have been rubbing themselves over him for quite some time, and it looks like their preoccupation has not been in vain. Brotha man tied the Vegas summer league record for points with 42 against the Bulls. Sure, the former record holder was the immortal Von "Necco" Wafer (Speaking of Wafer, he's part of the funniest look-a-like galleries I've ever seen, esp. Battier), but Randolph's summer league line is nonetheless impressive: 26.8 pts, 8.5 'bounds, 3 Blocks and 60.5% FG pct per game.
At 6'10" with a 7'6" wingspan, Randolph certainly has the measurables you'd want in a hybrid 3/4 (Aside from being built like Prancer). And the man can certainly show people how his ass tastes:
But certainly the big guy's best marginal advantage is his ability to handle the ball. How many 7 foot salamanders can do this:
And let's just be thankful that he shoots better then this Asian Guy from Saw.
Mass Monster Freak Brock Lesnar - UFC Heavyweight Champion
Surprise, surprise, Makhtar dips from the wrestling well again. I mean just look at that picture, Brock has literally no neck--his massive, massive traps have simply devoured the area his neck used to occupy. Brock's doesn't have the size or definition of our favorite, Ronnie Coleman, or even his long-time rival, Jay "Soy Sauce" Cutler, but his functional strength is off the charts. How do I know? Well...last weekend he ANAL-yzed MMA legend Frank Mir to unify the UFC heavyweight titles. If you haven't seen the footage, here it is. The neckless one served up 10 minutes of utter domination. Here's what Frank Mir Looked like after the fight: I haven't seen a piece of meat so old and broken down since the end of this Kimbo Slice fight (Borderline NSFW, hideous ending).
At 6'3", 265 lbs, Lesnar represents the new prototype for the burgeoning MMA's heavyweight division. Not only does he often outweigh his opponents by 30 or 40 pounds (Mir weighs in at 240), but he's also generally faster and more technically proficient than his counterparts. Lesnar was a legit collegiate wrestler, as runner up to future NFL'er Stephen Neal in 1999, and winning the NCAA Heavyweight championship in 2000. The Lesnar/Neal matchup is fairly ironic, as both men both went on to ply their trade in the NFL, with varying success. The fact that Brock made it to the last cut of Minnesota Vikings camp, despite not having played since sophomore year of high school is impressive. Though, perhaps not as impressive as this(GOTCHA!).
Oh yeah, this is fucking funny, too:
Freak in the Sheets Emmanuelle Chriqui
The new season of Entourage premiered last weekend, and frat boys across the nation collectively jizzed their pants. By this point, the show's gotten pretty played out, primarily because the characters are so damn predictable. Vince is aloof, E is a meta beta, Lloyd is gay, Drama is dramatic, and Turtle is a worthless piece of shit. Plain and simple, that shit don't change. But, as flaccid and worthless as the guys on Entourage are, the girls are equally as FOINE. One needs to look no further than Sloane as proof of this point. I'd rather not devote more space to a show that's leapt well over the shark, so here's more Sloane to end the post. Soldiers OUT.
Formulation of a system: By far the most used evaluation system for women has to be the 1-10 scale. It was introduced to us all sometime between 4th and 8th grade, actually discussed in high school, and thanks to "The Game" perhaps overly used in college. There is definitely a universal understanding when you hear "she's a 7, maybe an 8". Every fego (or lack thereof) on the planet understands that. Whether or not it's the most accurate, or most precise system is less concrete...
Purpose of Said System: The purpose of any such system has to be to create an atmosphere in which people are comfortable assessing a woman's sexual worth from a purely superficial standpoint. If this is something that disgusts you, quit reading and go play some tennis. If not, here's the scoop:
The 1-10 system has no application to girlfriends, fetish crushes, and the like because it is way too judgmental. There's no way of delicately evaluating a woman without offending the person who might have some emotional attachment, or the patient suffering from a form of "yellow fever" by saying, "eww, dude that girl is a 4 at best". The goal of the proposed system will be to foster healthy talk about the female sex and to promote hookup quantity and general self esteem. Because we all know what happens when you got sexual frustration on your mind.
Case Study of the 1-10 Scale: If I recall correctly, one Howard Hsu had an encounter with what he dubbed a "B-" girl at the end of this summer. While not exactly the 1-10 scale, once we calculate GPA and whatnot we're clearly headed in the same direction... All discussion of this B-, and I'm serious on this Zap, because as the Turk in this Howard-Zap/JD-Turk love affair you know that even they have a rule regarding desperate times. All discussion of my big-titted lab partner aside, there has to be a better way of telling howard that a B- might be overvaluing someone on a Trung Candidate level, even if you do have a thing for boobs (which Howard vehemently claims is not true for him).
Clearly the 1-10 scale has some issues...
Enter the Binary Scale: For all you math-incompetent fegos, a binary scale is a different numbering system based upon base 2 as opposed to base 10. Instead of changing decimal places after 9, you change after 1, and each decimal place is worth twice that of the previous one instead of 10 times. So the number 9 in binary would be 1001 (because 8+1=9). See: here for more info. To cut to the chase, the binary scale evaluates a woman as either a 0 or a 1. 1 being someone you'd fuck, 0 being someone you wouldn't. To give credit where credit is due, the juniors of 357 deserve some props for introducing me to the binary system.
Primary Applications: Put the binary scale into action and you've got a system that just gives your gut opinion on the matter. Sure it might be fun to argue the ins and outs of whether or not someone is a 7.5 or 8, but who the fuck really cares. For all of you with a little piece to come home to, this might sound fun, but I'm saying this for the people on the meat market, "The Binary Scale is your friend". Nevertheless, caution must be exercised in that the binary scale gives you no right to be pursuing specimens just because they have supple points.
A 1 is a 1: Maybe the best part of the binary system is that there's no separation between the cream of the crop and the above average. All this does is encourage the use of actual words instead of "9.5 baby!" So while people like Zap are grilling you on the night's escapades and living vicariously through you, you can give a detailed description or choose to leave it at "she was a 1". Honestly, I can't think of any drawbacks to the binary system except for the fact that by using it you seem like kind of a creep. But isn't grading women on a 1-10 scale creepy to outsiders anyways? From where I stand, creepiness has never been an issue or a concern. The binary scale encourages the pursuit of hookups, not the overanalysis and overthinking that can happen when we're out there sarging. With the binary scale, the idea is to go for it since she's a 1 and nothing else matters. Whether or not the binary scale leads to more hookups, more sex or more of anything is debatable, but the ideology behind it supports a potential correlation and causation.
Permutations and Rules: First off, it's unacceptable to ever use any decimal places, fractions, percentages or any other mathematical operators on the binary scale. Because that clearly defeats the purpose. Anything that just modifies, but doesn't change the actual numbers is probably fine. For instance, "She's a 0, but I think she has Ed McCaffrey like upside" only helps our understanding and preserves the integrity of the system. That's definitely kosher.
Ok, now that I've popped my posting cherry, don't expect anything for another 6 months.
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Similarities: I don't even know where to start with these two miscreants. Spears once lauded as the teenie bopper savior, fell further than any celebrity we've even seen since MJ. She married a fego back up dancer who subsequently filmed her getting all coked up and doped up and then divorced her to pursue his hip-hop career. She was caught literally flapping in the wind (NSFW) in a limo with Paris Hilton and then purged herself of all evilness by going G.I. Jane up in hurr. This just seems ohso long ago. Vick's path isn't much different. In January of 2005 he signed a 10 year $130 million contract with $37 million guaranteed! Since then he's served two years in jail after being convicted of heading an underground dog fighting operation, filed for bankruptcy, and worked as a construction worker for $10/hr. The great thing about America is that we're a land of second chances, and these two are living proof of that "tabla rasa" system. Britney has come back to produce such hits as Womanizer, Circus, and If You Seek Amy (get it!) and actually looks pretty hot and lucid now. As of today, Vick was granted a second life by his boy Donovan McNabb who apparently vouched vehemently for the Crime Dog amongst the Iggles coaching staff. With the help of Tony Dungy as a mentor, Vick signed a 2 year deal worth upwards of $7 million. This is a man who was eating sloppy joe's everyday for the last 24 months. What kind of playing shape is he even in? I guess once a freak always a freak.
I haven't seen a piece of meat so old and broken down since the end of this Kimbo Slice fight (Borderline NSFW, hideous ending).
