So Long, So Long (Possibly NSFW)

The Dashboard Confessional streak lives on....

I was going to write a post in honor of Michael Phelp's appearance on SNL--proposing the top 10 athletes who I'd rather watch host the show. But a funny thing happened in compiling the list. I realized that, of my top 10, the majority of my choices were basketball big men. I think that we can all agree that we'd rather see the likes of Shaq, Dwight Howard, Big Baby, Greg Oden, and Tim "Xanax" Duncan doing their best Joe Piscopo impressions. This doesn't even take into account retired personalities like Georghe Muresan and Shawn "Sacrificial Lamb" Bradley who would surely bring the show back to its previous apex. Ok, so I was joking about the last three...but still--there IS a real and statistically significant correlation between being 6'9" and above and commanding a boyishly charming sense of humor.

So what is the origin of this relationship? Why are these otherwise gawky maladroits so, for lack of a better word, so cool? Some may point to the precedent set by Kareem Abdul Jabbar in Airplane as establishing the archetype of the confident, funny big guy. But I would argue that this traces back to something more fundamental. Something so inherent that even foreign born bigs like Who wants to Sex Mutombo fall somewhere between Michael Richards (sans being a racist bastard) and Seth Rogan on the comedy scale. Even Desgana Diop is a natural:



What is this elusive quality that I am speaking of? Well let's just say that if there's any type of reverse causality, my boys Peter North and Lex Steele should be taking money shots with Manu and Eva Longoria next season. Yes, I'm talking about dick size.

I don't know how to make footnotes in blogspot, but this article was certainly instrumental in the formation of this argument. My contention is one part Albert Camus, one part Rocco Siffredi. Once these descendents of Diggler realize that they have snake cocks, they are free to act however they damn well please. No matter how much of an ass they make of themselves, these heirs of (John) Holmes can always be consoled by the fact that they have a pringles can in their pants. The constant penile reassurance allows the big men to take on bigger, more boisterous personalities with aplomb, leading to phenomenon like the dance off at the all-star contest last year.

Imagine that you were the feature in this commercial:



Imagine that the name of the commercial was "Godzilla Penis". You're saying that you wouldn't act like a smug bastard and a cocky piece of shit at the same time?

You may be wondering, "If being funny is just based on size, then why don't I see Gilbert Brown on Whose Line is it Anyway?" Well for one, I'm pretty sure that he's too busy inhaling a whole pan of mac-n-cheese, oh wait, that's Lendale White. Additionally, I'll submit this (NSFW) as empirical evidence that football players don't necessarily have massive di-acks.

Why all of this? Why would I discuss large genitalia in such detail? I think it's largely an orientalistic admiration of the exotic. Much like jenkem addicts and people who actually date their own race, I'm just curious to see how the other side lives.