Thursday, December 18, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
The Year of the Snake Cock
I love this time of the year, but I guess pretty much everyone does. I mean, who doesn't love constant reruns of "Love Actually," the old guy with the shovel in Home Alone, or the turd merger that was Home Alone 4? ( Ok, I just realized that everything I cited was a movie, as opposed to an interaction with actual human beings. Yeah I live my life vicariously through movie characters, yayyy!) At the same time, the holidays are much more to me. They're a time to plaintively reflect upon the year that was, and contemplate the year that will be. And really, who am I to pass up an opportunity to be emo?
But as much as I'd like to regale you guys with stories about the number of otphj's I got this year from randoms (read: 1/2), and the number of otphj's I got from my ex-girlfriend (read: 0), I feel like such entries would hinder fegonomics' chances of mainstream success. So let's talk sports for a second. 2008 was a great year on the field for the sports that mattered (football and basketball, and frisbee...kinda). 2008 gave us two of the greatest championship games and two of the biggest clutch plays of all time (the Final Four Championship with Mario "Superintendent" Chalmers' three ball to send the game to OT and Super Bowl XLII with David Tyree's miracle. Not to be confused with the Sean Eliott miracle. No, I'm not talking about playing with one kidney). I don't feel as comfortable writing about ultimate because my name ain't Match Diesel but I know that we did see the ascension of a people's champion on a magnitude unheard of since The Rock.
As good as things were on the field, things were going to hell off it. Pac-Man Jones got suspended for drunken escapades. Again. I guess the age old maxim holds true: A Pac-Man does what a Pac-Man do. But by far the biggest story was the Plaxico Flexico debacle. Probably the stupidest story of the past 4 or 5 years. It's tough to have perspective on it, given all the play it's been getting in the media, but one of the most talented players in the league put a hole through his body. Shit, think of if Derrick Rose did some Norman Bates shit and gored open his arm. Oh wait, that actually happened? While doing what? Cutting an apple? Shit mang, athletes do the darndest things.
Stephen A. Smith wrote a compelling piece about the plight of the black athlete following Burress' arrest. If by compelling I mean that I couldn't hear him berating me and saying "Slava Medvedenko" every other word. I could only imagine him berating me and saying "Slava Medvedenko" every other word.
But as much as I'd like to regale you guys with stories about the number of otphj's I got this year from randoms (read: 1/2), and the number of otphj's I got from my ex-girlfriend (read: 0), I feel like such entries would hinder fegonomics' chances of mainstream success. So let's talk sports for a second. 2008 was a great year on the field for the sports that mattered (football and basketball, and frisbee...kinda). 2008 gave us two of the greatest championship games and two of the biggest clutch plays of all time (the Final Four Championship with Mario "Superintendent" Chalmers' three ball to send the game to OT and Super Bowl XLII with David Tyree's miracle. Not to be confused with the Sean Eliott miracle. No, I'm not talking about playing with one kidney). I don't feel as comfortable writing about ultimate because my name ain't Match Diesel but I know that we did see the ascension of a people's champion on a magnitude unheard of since The Rock.
As good as things were on the field, things were going to hell off it. Pac-Man Jones got suspended for drunken escapades. Again. I guess the age old maxim holds true: A Pac-Man does what a Pac-Man do. But by far the biggest story was the Plaxico Flexico debacle. Probably the stupidest story of the past 4 or 5 years. It's tough to have perspective on it, given all the play it's been getting in the media, but one of the most talented players in the league put a hole through his body. Shit, think of if Derrick Rose did some Norman Bates shit and gored open his arm. Oh wait, that actually happened? While doing what? Cutting an apple? Shit mang, athletes do the darndest things.
Stephen A. Smith wrote a compelling piece about the plight of the black athlete following Burress' arrest. If by compelling I mean that I couldn't hear him berating me and saying "Slava Medvedenko" every other word. I could only imagine him berating me and saying "Slava Medvedenko" every other word.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Ragin' Rondo and the young PG movement
Watching Rajon Rondo control the tempo of the Celtics Pacers game this past Wednesday I realized a few things. First, Rondo is the first true point guard that has ever played for a team that I have rooted for. The early to mid 90's Rockets got by with scoring guards like Vernon Maxwell and Kenny Smith who could knock down open threes and more importantly throw entry passes to Hakeem. When they acquired Drexler during their second championship season they had a guy who could get into the lane and pass, but he never really controlled the offense. The early 2000's Celtics had the shell theory of Kenny Anderson and existed on a steady diet of point forwards with Pierce and 'Toine Walker controlling most of the ball handling duties. The second observation I made is that Rondo is really the Ringo Starr of the Celtics' Beatles. Not as huge a celebrity as the big three but essential enough to keep the beat of the music. On Thursday night Rondo proved that his musical qualifications reach beyond rhythm and tempo and delve more deeply into composing as he hung pinball numbers of 16 pt, 17 ast, 13 rb on TJ Ford and the Pacers.
Beyond the box score of the triple double, which I'll get to in a second, Rondo's performance was a Holden Cauflield game. He came of age on the court demanding the ball on every possession and creating mismatches and then distributing. He showed his savvy knack for gauging which of his teammates is hot and who needs an easy bucket. When Ray Allen was knocking down threes Rondo was looking for him on the wing in transition. Pierce couldn't by a bucket in the first half and Rondo tried to create lanes for him to penetrate and get to the line. He worked the high screen and roll with Garnett enabling KG to hit the 18 footer that he's fallen in love with. He even coaxed KG into playing around the rim hitting him with two perfectly thrown oops on back door cuts that left Troy Murphy's pants around his ankles. It was the first game I thought of Rondo as the leader of a team already known for its tremendous experience and heart. The triple double itself was stunning. Rajon nearly had one at the end of the half, and ended up getting his 10th rebound on an offensive board that he dished to KG for an easy putback and his 10th assist. This was with 10 minutes left in the third quarter. To put in perspective what Rondo did, only two other men have achieved a 16/13/17 game since the 86-87 season. They are two of the most prolific triple double machines in history, Magic Johnson and Fat Lever. If Rondo can continue to play with such shrewd court awareness expect to see him at this year's all-star game with Devin Harris and A.I. (sorry Jose).
Devin Harris' has some explaining to do to the Yahoo Java draft applet. In this year's fantasy bball draft I was slated to pick next and I needed a PG to couple with Dwyane Wade. It was between Tony Parker and Harris and I queued my boy Devin knowing that losing Richard Jefferson would free up a lot of room around the basket for him to penetrate, which is the strongest part of his game. As I was about to make the pick my computer froze and yahoo chose Parker, leaving Harris for the team after mine. This same exact thing happened to me last year, except it was during the 3rd round and yahoo auto-selected Marcus Camby. This ended up paying dividends as Camby had a monster blocking and rebounding year. Thus this phenomenon is now known as the Camby Corollary. I thought the CC was coming to fruition when T. Parker dropped 55 in a game earlier this year, but then he decided to take on another Camby trait and ghost rolled his ankle in the next game. Anyways, Harris has been a beast this year as he's in the top 5 in scoring at around 25 ppg and is carrying the Nets team (along with a rejuvenated Vince Carter) to a top 8 record in the East. If he doesn't win most improved player after dropping 47 on the Suns then holy Nene.
Number one draft pick Derrick Rose has also risen to to the preseason hype and looks like a potential perennial all-star. Thanks Kirk Hinrich! His first step and cross over are just dastardly and he has the athleticism to hang around the rim just long enough to draw contact and get off high percentage shots. Unfortunately he's playing with a team that has no real three point shooter and a heavy backcourt. It won't be long before he has an NBA version of this mixtape. Sickwitit.
Some other PGs of note are Jose Calderon and Chris Duhon. Of course Duhon is benefiting from the reverse Chicago problem in that the Knicks don't have a backcourt (Thanks Steph!) and D'Antoni loves the 8 seconds or less fast break O. I know everyone is saying what if D'Antoni had waited to see who got the number 1 pick before he made his choice, but with the firing of Sam Mitchell what would happen if D'Antoni went to the Raptors? Sure he'd be moving out of a major market and giving up his chances at Lebron in a few year, but aren't the Raptors PERFECT for the D'Antoni system. Calderon is an exact clone of Nash who shoots high percentages and is an adroit passer. Bosh is Amare with a little less athleticism and much better defense. Jamario Moon is a poor man's Shawn Marion but he's young and very athletic and then they have sharpshooting Jason Kapono. Colangelo, make this happen...kthnx.
I'm going to the Celtics/Blazers game tonight and expect it to be close in the first half, but for the Blazers to really lean on Roy in the second half and for the Celts to pull away. Rondo may have a 20-10-5 night with Steve Blake and Sergio Rodriguez trying to defend him, and Lamarcus Aldridge won't have it easy with KG pressing him all night. Hopefully Oden doesn't score a basket for every pock mark on his face, or we're in for a blowout loss. Celtics extend it to 11 in a row with an 11 point victory.
A post on the legitimacy on the Cavs to come.
Beyond the box score of the triple double, which I'll get to in a second, Rondo's performance was a Holden Cauflield game. He came of age on the court demanding the ball on every possession and creating mismatches and then distributing. He showed his savvy knack for gauging which of his teammates is hot and who needs an easy bucket. When Ray Allen was knocking down threes Rondo was looking for him on the wing in transition. Pierce couldn't by a bucket in the first half and Rondo tried to create lanes for him to penetrate and get to the line. He worked the high screen and roll with Garnett enabling KG to hit the 18 footer that he's fallen in love with. He even coaxed KG into playing around the rim hitting him with two perfectly thrown oops on back door cuts that left Troy Murphy's pants around his ankles. It was the first game I thought of Rondo as the leader of a team already known for its tremendous experience and heart. The triple double itself was stunning. Rajon nearly had one at the end of the half, and ended up getting his 10th rebound on an offensive board that he dished to KG for an easy putback and his 10th assist. This was with 10 minutes left in the third quarter. To put in perspective what Rondo did, only two other men have achieved a 16/13/17 game since the 86-87 season. They are two of the most prolific triple double machines in history, Magic Johnson and Fat Lever. If Rondo can continue to play with such shrewd court awareness expect to see him at this year's all-star game with Devin Harris and A.I. (sorry Jose).
Devin Harris' has some explaining to do to the Yahoo Java draft applet. In this year's fantasy bball draft I was slated to pick next and I needed a PG to couple with Dwyane Wade. It was between Tony Parker and Harris and I queued my boy Devin knowing that losing Richard Jefferson would free up a lot of room around the basket for him to penetrate, which is the strongest part of his game. As I was about to make the pick my computer froze and yahoo chose Parker, leaving Harris for the team after mine. This same exact thing happened to me last year, except it was during the 3rd round and yahoo auto-selected Marcus Camby. This ended up paying dividends as Camby had a monster blocking and rebounding year. Thus this phenomenon is now known as the Camby Corollary. I thought the CC was coming to fruition when T. Parker dropped 55 in a game earlier this year, but then he decided to take on another Camby trait and ghost rolled his ankle in the next game. Anyways, Harris has been a beast this year as he's in the top 5 in scoring at around 25 ppg and is carrying the Nets team (along with a rejuvenated Vince Carter) to a top 8 record in the East. If he doesn't win most improved player after dropping 47 on the Suns then holy Nene.
Number one draft pick Derrick Rose has also risen to to the preseason hype and looks like a potential perennial all-star. Thanks Kirk Hinrich! His first step and cross over are just dastardly and he has the athleticism to hang around the rim just long enough to draw contact and get off high percentage shots. Unfortunately he's playing with a team that has no real three point shooter and a heavy backcourt. It won't be long before he has an NBA version of this mixtape. Sickwitit.
Some other PGs of note are Jose Calderon and Chris Duhon. Of course Duhon is benefiting from the reverse Chicago problem in that the Knicks don't have a backcourt (Thanks Steph!) and D'Antoni loves the 8 seconds or less fast break O. I know everyone is saying what if D'Antoni had waited to see who got the number 1 pick before he made his choice, but with the firing of Sam Mitchell what would happen if D'Antoni went to the Raptors? Sure he'd be moving out of a major market and giving up his chances at Lebron in a few year, but aren't the Raptors PERFECT for the D'Antoni system. Calderon is an exact clone of Nash who shoots high percentages and is an adroit passer. Bosh is Amare with a little less athleticism and much better defense. Jamario Moon is a poor man's Shawn Marion but he's young and very athletic and then they have sharpshooting Jason Kapono. Colangelo, make this happen...kthnx.
I'm going to the Celtics/Blazers game tonight and expect it to be close in the first half, but for the Blazers to really lean on Roy in the second half and for the Celts to pull away. Rondo may have a 20-10-5 night with Steve Blake and Sergio Rodriguez trying to defend him, and Lamarcus Aldridge won't have it easy with KG pressing him all night. Hopefully Oden doesn't score a basket for every pock mark on his face, or we're in for a blowout loss. Celtics extend it to 11 in a row with an 11 point victory.
A post on the legitimacy on the Cavs to come.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The Experiment
I've been thinking about health a lot at work. I'm constantly getting emails dismissing the quote "A real man doesn't care about his health" a sentiment completely expressed by this man and Ralphie May's girth. My company will do anything to push their fitness rank to the top of the corporate ladder including contests with prizes varying from an hour of personal attention with a young flexible yoga instructor to a free turkey for working out the most in a given week. While I don't wish to bemoan these "exercises" of persuasion and commendation, I view them as hollow and temporary. In order to maintain a level of fitness a person must have a desire that extends beyond something that parallels a Shaw's Card reward system. Since I'm a young guy, I'm not looking to avoid high cholesterol, diabetes, and all those nasty cardiac diseases that have become a physician's best friend. I need a motivation that runs deeper than the veins in a Dwight Howard bicep. I want to take an analytical approach to shaping my body that doesn't include counting calories and inch reduction, but instead emphasizes speed, agility, power, and athleticism. I want to be driven by the science of the body and search for my own Carnot efficiency, my greatest physical limit. Everyday I watch sports and marvel at the grace of people who dedicate their lives to getting striations in their asses and upping their verts to 40"and I want a taste of that. That's why these next 30 days of my life will be known as "The Experiment." Much like the actors in the 300 I want to pull a Rick Ross and push it to the limit and see what I am capable of. Unlike them, my diet won't be on complete Kate Hudson mode, but I will be abstaining from alcohol and real shitty food. Again this is not to get thinner or improve my health, but only to see how much I can athletically evolve in the matter of a month. I don't plan on using the blog as a health journal, but I will produce a complete project wrap-up when The Experiment has ended. It's combine time baby.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I Can't Appropriately Comment on This
This is more Zap's cup o tea. Most striking to me was that his "trainer" sounded like a mix between Sigfried, Roy, and Diggler. And that none of his physical feats really wowed me much. They should have had him bench pressing a moose or something.
http://hardwoodparoxysm.blogspot.com/2008/10/sweatin-to-oldies-with-starbury.html
http://hardwoodparoxysm.blogspot.com/2008/10/sweatin-to-oldies-with-starbury.html
Monday, October 6, 2008
Christian who?
Since I've been wallowing in utter gluttony and boredom as of late, I've probably checked my fantasy team 20 times in the last 5 minutes, just looking to see if anyone drops Mewelde Moore for the bye week. I also came across this quiz site, where you can size up your Dream Team knowledge, decipher which Tom Hanks movie won the 94 Picture of the Year Award, or finally decide if you really were the Nintendo Super Genesis freak.
http://www.mentalfloss.com/quiz/quiz.php?q=287&p=1
I only got eight, but that's because no one remembers the white guys. Hint: you can type in last names and it recognizes it.
http://www.mentalfloss.com/quiz/quiz.php?q=287&p=1
I only got eight, but that's because no one remembers the white guys. Hint: you can type in last names and it recognizes it.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Tonight on Sick Sad World
Normally I don't like to get political because, well, there are a lot of people who know a whole lot more than I do about such things. But look at the following comment on this article: http://voices.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2008/10/01/asked_about_court_rulings_pali.html?hpid=topnews
All of you east coaster elites are just jealous that she's really smart and took
on the establishment like the MAVRICK that she is.
Your scared is what it
is.
She's awesome and super likeable and I absolutely could see HAVING A BEER
with her. What am I going to have with Obama -- sushee?? Give me a
break.
Sarah reminds me of my Aunt Lou, who i totally identify with, a hard
wokin, no nonsense momma of 7 who "just gits er done!" without a lot of fancy
talk. And she puts her country first people, she's not just out to get elected.
She wants to "shake things up" in Washington.
Experience is overrated. I'd
rather have a Joe 6 Packer with good morals in high office than somebody who's
been old and moldy in Washington far way too long.
I think it will be fun
havin her in office, shakin things up, and gettin all the old boy network guys
off their high horses.
Look out cuz a couple of country first mavricks are
comin to town!!!!
And yeah it dont hurt that she's not too hard on the
eyes!!!!! but thats just a bonus on all of her executive experience for how she
has expertly run Wasilla and the state of Alaska.
Bottom line, she's my
girl.
Posted by: markthefig October 2, 2008 3:04 AM Report
abuse
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Body Movin'
Good hip-hop albums take a long time to produce. This could be a function of the intricacy of the lyrics which have been equated to developing organic chemistries (cuz I've been in the lab with a pen and a pad) and saving human lives (Lil Wayne's Dr. Carter). It could be that there is a behind the scenes legal battle that prevents certain songs from being sampled (unlikely, considering girltalk makes a killing doing this). I think this hip-hop hiatus between albums serves as a platform for building desire within the fan base. Once there is an insatiable urge to hear the musings of a lyrical savant, the album is introduced and thrust forth into the platinum pantheon. The godfather of this art is Dr. Dre. I've always respected him for the one album he puts out every 7-8 years (overlooking the Aftermath tragedy) and the way he is hailed as a blunt smoking mogul. Well it's been about 9 years since his album 2001 dropped and the Dr. is ready to prescribe his next great anecdote so appropriately named Detox. His Interscope pal and protege, Eminem, is also unveiling his newest project, King Mathers, this fall.
The most juxtaposed pairing in hip-hop history (black dude from Compton, white guy from Detroit) has found itself at the very antipodes of the anatomical world during the time between albums. Dre has always been known as the producing genius with flaccid arms and a penchant for the carnival like baseline and Eminem has been the archetype of a "hard" problem child who's more concerned with degrading his oft-abused girlfriend than providing for his bastard child. I hated Eminem so vehemently in the 7th grade that I convinced myself that I could actually beat him up after one of my female classmates commented on the "girth" of my biceps. Now the only time I think about girth and Eminem in the same thought is when I'm going face first into a bowl of Arby's curly fries. That's right, the fetal twat with impeccable enunciation is a grade A porker. I haven't seen jowls like that since Goldberg got his wisdom teeth out. He's gonna have to call his tour Marshall Fatters Worldwide. Dre has also seen a change in his physique, and is looking a lot more like the other Goldberg than a wet noodle. His new album would be more aptly named Negrodonnis or Anabolic Cannabis. At least these rappers chose the fate of their bodies. Get better regulator.
In other hip hop news R. Kelly has cemented himself as the CROAT (creepiest rapper of all time) after an interview with BET. Unfortunately, the interview has been removed from Youtube but the gist of it was:
Interviewer "Do you like teenage girls?"
R. Kelly: "How old are we talking. 19, I have a lot of 19 year old friends yea. I don't like nothing under 19, nothing illegal."
Funkmaster flex ain't too happy about it.
I think I've been underrating T.I. as a rapper and an entertainer. This is mostly because he looked like a prepubescent version of Master Splinter at spring fling a few years ago and I got stomped out by the crowd around the stage during his performance. This week he made a cameo on Entourage as one of Ari's clients, but it's this guilty pleasure of mine that is really making me rethink T.I. Admit it, you like it. And if you don't then at least appreciate how he out raps Kanye, Lil Wayne, and Hova on their new hit swagger like us.
The most juxtaposed pairing in hip-hop history (black dude from Compton, white guy from Detroit) has found itself at the very antipodes of the anatomical world during the time between albums. Dre has always been known as the producing genius with flaccid arms and a penchant for the carnival like baseline and Eminem has been the archetype of a "hard" problem child who's more concerned with degrading his oft-abused girlfriend than providing for his bastard child. I hated Eminem so vehemently in the 7th grade that I convinced myself that I could actually beat him up after one of my female classmates commented on the "girth" of my biceps. Now the only time I think about girth and Eminem in the same thought is when I'm going face first into a bowl of Arby's curly fries. That's right, the fetal twat with impeccable enunciation is a grade A porker. I haven't seen jowls like that since Goldberg got his wisdom teeth out. He's gonna have to call his tour Marshall Fatters Worldwide. Dre has also seen a change in his physique, and is looking a lot more like the other Goldberg than a wet noodle. His new album would be more aptly named Negrodonnis or Anabolic Cannabis. At least these rappers chose the fate of their bodies. Get better regulator.
In other hip hop news R. Kelly has cemented himself as the CROAT (creepiest rapper of all time) after an interview with BET. Unfortunately, the interview has been removed from Youtube but the gist of it was:
Interviewer "Do you like teenage girls?"
R. Kelly: "How old are we talking. 19, I have a lot of 19 year old friends yea. I don't like nothing under 19, nothing illegal."
Funkmaster flex ain't too happy about it.
I think I've been underrating T.I. as a rapper and an entertainer. This is mostly because he looked like a prepubescent version of Master Splinter at spring fling a few years ago and I got stomped out by the crowd around the stage during his performance. This week he made a cameo on Entourage as one of Ari's clients, but it's this guilty pleasure of mine that is really making me rethink T.I. Admit it, you like it. And if you don't then at least appreciate how he out raps Kanye, Lil Wayne, and Hova on their new hit swagger like us.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Sucked the Air out of the building
My job at CompassLexecon comes with a few perks--complimentary dry cleaning service, 401K plans juiced with Lehman Brother's shares, and membership to a gym that may or may not be a front for a Scientological cult. Amongst all this, the big ticket, showcase showdown perk is a pair of Red Sox season tickets that every employee gets access to several times a season. The company handed me the keys to the hot rod for Monday's game, a soporific 4-3 loss to the Cleveland Indians. This game confirmed two sneaking suspicions:
1. I hate baseball (Though I do enjoy how the Spanish spelling is "beisbol")
2. I always jinx the home team.
Point 1 merits discussion later on, but I'll give you a little background on the latter point. I haven't been to a sporting event in the past 10 years where the home team, or the team I was "supposed" to be cheering for has won. To wit:
The Celtics were indefatigable last year
1. I hate baseball (Though I do enjoy how the Spanish spelling is "beisbol")
2. I always jinx the home team.
Point 1 merits discussion later on, but I'll give you a little background on the latter point. I haven't been to a sporting event in the past 10 years where the home team, or the team I was "supposed" to be cheering for has won. To wit:
The Celtics were indefatigable last year
Sunday, September 21, 2008
A Most Unappreciated Man
Yesterday, my girlfriend and I went to Farm Aid, an annual benefit concert to raise money for America's family farms. The concert was in Mansfield at the recently renamed Comcast Center--known to most people as the Tweeter Center--and marked the first time that Farm Aid was held in New England.
The weather was gorgeous, the venue was spacious, and the performances were outstanding. One of Farm Aid's major selling points, beyond the obvious fact that it is for a good cause, is that it attracts a very diverse group of artists. We saw Arlo Guthrie, moe., Jakob Dylan (who played a terrific set with a band called the Gold Mountain Rebels), The Pretenders, Kenny Chesney, and Jerry Lee Lewis--who I didn't even know was still alive--all on the same stage. And these were just a few of the openers. Each set was around thirty minutes and then the next act would come on. All told, the music played almost continuously from the time we got there, at 1:30, until after we left at 10:30.
Almost every performer brought his A game. The event is hosted by Willie Nelson, the president and one of the co-founders of Farm Aid, and many of the performers are his friends, so the atmosphere is genuinely fun and friendly. I have never been to a concert where the performers seemed to be having such a good time. Willie was brought on stage repeatedly throughout the day to play with various acts and produced some pretty memorable moments. His duet with Kenny Chesney--singing a song about getting drunk and going home with this and waking up with this--was hilarious and, no doubt, based on a true story.
After Chesney finished his set, they got the stage set up for the headliners. Dave Matthews, with Tim Reynolds, played first as the guest headliner, followed by Farm Aid's three co-founders and its board of directors: John Mellencamp, Neil Young, and of course, Willie Nelson.
Matthews was pretty phenomenal. This is the third time I've seen him perform live, albeit the first with Reynolds and without his band, and I have to say that he continues to impress me. The guy is 41, has been touring practically nonstop for over a decade, recently lost one of his band members--the late saxophonist LeRoi Moore--to the aftereffects of an ATV accident, and yet he can still rock a concert better than anyone I've ever seen. He was cracking jokes and dropping one-liners about Reynolds, who threatened to steal the show a few times and definitely pushed Dave to another level throughout the hour-long set. Look, you can say all you want about Matthews' fanbase: that they're frat boys who smoke Newports and wear pink polos and go tanning ... or that they're obnoxious girls who over-quote his songs and use them as away messages and spill beer on everyone in their vicinity when they get sloppy drunk at his concerts. These pithy observations have been astutely pointed out ad nauseam by people who fail to realize that this doesn't prevent Matthews from putting on terrific shows night after night.
Matthews, to his credit, was the second most charismatic performer that took the stage at Farm Aid 2008. His presence on stage and rapport with the crowd was surpassed only by the man who followed him: John 'Cougar' Mellencamp, forever known to some of us as just The Cougs, a man who I feel is widely misunderstood and underappreciated.
Now, some of you are probably not surprised by this, since my respect for The Cougs is well-documented. Some of you are likely to scoff at the idea that The Cougs could excite a crowd in the same way as Dave Matthews. However, I think that these people are basing their sentiments on a misconception of who The Cougs is and what he is about, so I'm going to spend a moment defending John Mellencamp.
Most people hate on The Cougs for just one thing. We all know what I'm talking about, so I'm going to address it head on:
Mellencamp has been recording music for over thirty years, has won a Grammy for Best Male Rock Performer, and as of 2008, has been elected to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He has produced such classic songs as "Jack and Diane," "Small Town," and "I Need a Lover," among many others. He has won numerous humanitarian awards and been an important member of Farm Aid since he helped found it in 1985. And, since 2006, he has been known for just one thing: his song, "Our Country," being obnoxiously overplayed as Chevrolet's theme song to help them sell Silverados.
It's probably an exercise in futility for me to defend the merit of "Our Country" as a song--too many people have had it irreparably ruined by the advertising executives at Chevy. However, to write Mellencamp off as an artist based on "Our Country" is like writing off Michael Jordan as a basketball player because of his ill-fated tenure with the Wizards. (Yes, I know, I just compared The Cougs to Michael Jordan. If this is really too much for you, think of it as writing off Tyler Hansbrough's great college career just because he was a bust in the NBA).
How cool is John Mellencamp? Well, try this as a barometer: while every other act was introduced either by themselves or by--ugh--Carson Daly (the one real downside of Farm Aid), Mellencamp was introduced by Bob Costas. Bob Costas. Think about that for a second. Costas took time off from whatever important piece of journalism he was working on, flew to Mansfield, and probably didn't get paid for his time, just to spend thirty seconds on stage introducing The Cougs and saying a few words about how much he's done over the last two decades to help the American farmer. I don't care who you are, I don't care what your feelings are about John Mellencamp, that has got to give you pause. Bob Costas is not only the greatest sports broadcaster of our era, he's also a gentleman, and a scholar of the highest caliber. If I could pick one person to introduce me for the most important event of my life, there is no doubt in my mind that I would choose Costas for the job. He did just that for John Mellencamp, pro bono, because he has so much respect for The Cougs.
Costas set the stage and, let me tell you, The Cougs delivered. No performer--not Matthews, not Chesney, not even Neil Young--was able to electrify the crowd at Farm Aid the way Mellencamp did. They were loving it. I was loving it. And you could sure tell The Cougs was loving it. One moment illustrates this best: in between songs, Mellencamp asked us all to get out our phones and call someone so that they could hear what was going on at Farm Aid and be a part of the experience. Within second, thousands of cell phones were held aloft, and The Cougs walked to the edge of the stage and asked a young woman who she was calling. Then, he reached down, picked up the phone, and said, "Hey Terry, how you doing? This is John Mellencamp, and we're at Farm Aid, just wanted to let you know what a good time we're having, and we wish you were here." Then he laughed, gave the phone back to its owner, and went right on rocking. When he played "Small Town," he brought the house down, plain and simple.
The point is, Mellencamp is so much more than "Our Country," and he showed it on stage at Farm Aid. The farmers loved him, the drunk girls loved him, even the goth-punk-looking kid with long hair who was dragged there by his hippie parents loved him. And I'll bet Bob Costas would've loved him, too, if he hadn't had some important work to do as our nation's greatest culture emissary. Nobody crucifies The Who or The Rolling Stones or The Postal Service because their songs are used in crappy commercials--why crucify The Cougs?
PS. You would be surprised to know how hard it was to find those pictures of stereotypical Dave Matthews fans. Try google-imaging "frat boys" and "sloppy drunk girls" and see what comes up.
Friday, September 19, 2008
I was not like this until I stepped IN this house
Two episodes in and nobody’s even MENTIONED the thought that Kelly Anne might have some new Dr. 90210 enhancements? I’m talking about none other than the new RR/RW Challenge, that surprisingly, I can’t catch at all hours of the day. Perhaps MTV has enough shows now that I don’t have to watch Super Sweet Sixteen Remix Redux Uncensored rehash for the 12th time in one day (how dumb is this new show title: Top Pop Group. Did they get a bunch of first graders into a room and ask them to read Dr. Seuss out loud?)
However, I have some pretty dismaying news. This challenge sucks. It’s the antithesis to the hype of the RW:
The words are hushed (let's not get busted)
I really respect what my boy Willings had to say about the Josh Howard incident, but I'm inclined to see the issue through a different lens. I mean, what do we really know about Howard (aside from the fact that he's a fantasy basketball dynamo who can help you in virtually every category)?:
He is a dumbass.
He likes smoking that cali weed.
He didn't rep the national anthem at Allen Iverson's Celebrity Flag Football game.
Writers on virtually every sports site have been putting Howard on blast for his thoughtless remarks about the anthem, and deservedly so. However, my issue is that these writers are treating Howard's non-sequitur like it's his honors thesis on the economic modalities of the Southern colonies. People like Charley Rosen act as if Howard's five second blip on youtube was a treatise on race relations in the 21st century. But let's take Howard's comments for what they were: A stupid remark made by a stupid person.
This point is especially clear when you take into account the medium through which Howard is supposedly "disseminating" his message. He's mugging for some guy who's taping him on his LG Chocolate. Did Howard have the foresight to know that this guy would post the video on youtube? Probably Not. The only thing Howard is capable of planning ahead of time is what munchies to crack open after puffing some nuggets with his bois. I'm thinking funyuns and 2 liters of Cherry Vanilla Diet Dr. Pepper.
Does this lack of prescience excuse Howard's comments? Of course not. My point is merely that this was a random act of stupidity done primarily to be outrageous. As you know, Howard's are prone to hyperbole. How many times have you guys heard ME expound on Alexis Bledel's pixie charm (registered COAT), or deride some guy for having a light switch di-ack? This is the nature of male discourse--people say things that they only vaguely agree with just to make their friends laugh (granted, I mean everything I say about Bledel. She's the SOAT, HOAT and COAT all rolled into one). A spyda does what a spyda do. I think that the reactions to Howard's comments should be tempered accordingly. In the end, Howard's rebuke should be interpreted more like a line from someone on Chappelle's Show than an attempt at being a racial gadfly like Malcolm X.
He is a dumbass.
He likes smoking that cali weed.
He didn't rep the national anthem at Allen Iverson's Celebrity Flag Football game.
Writers on virtually every sports site have been putting Howard on blast for his thoughtless remarks about the anthem, and deservedly so. However, my issue is that these writers are treating Howard's non-sequitur like it's his honors thesis on the economic modalities of the Southern colonies. People like Charley Rosen act as if Howard's five second blip on youtube was a treatise on race relations in the 21st century. But let's take Howard's comments for what they were: A stupid remark made by a stupid person.
This point is especially clear when you take into account the medium through which Howard is supposedly "disseminating" his message. He's mugging for some guy who's taping him on his LG Chocolate. Did Howard have the foresight to know that this guy would post the video on youtube? Probably Not. The only thing Howard is capable of planning ahead of time is what munchies to crack open after puffing some nuggets with his bois. I'm thinking funyuns and 2 liters of Cherry Vanilla Diet Dr. Pepper.
Does this lack of prescience excuse Howard's comments? Of course not. My point is merely that this was a random act of stupidity done primarily to be outrageous. As you know, Howard's are prone to hyperbole. How many times have you guys heard ME expound on Alexis Bledel's pixie charm (registered COAT), or deride some guy for having a light switch di-ack? This is the nature of male discourse--people say things that they only vaguely agree with just to make their friends laugh (granted, I mean everything I say about Bledel. She's the SOAT, HOAT and COAT all rolled into one). A spyda does what a spyda do. I think that the reactions to Howard's comments should be tempered accordingly. In the end, Howard's rebuke should be interpreted more like a line from someone on Chappelle's Show than an attempt at being a racial gadfly like Malcolm X.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Meta Beef
I just wanted to tryout the new photoshop that I downloaded. A better header is coming....
LeBron and Grace?
"Under the table, LeBron's big-sneakered foot is underneath Maverick's. Their legs are touching, their expensive sneakers are canoodling. It is the ease of their friendship, of their closeness, that they don't even notice."
An innocuous line in Esquire's new feature (worth the time to read) about the aspiring Global Icon himself...or is it? To me, reading that line was like when Harvey Dent knew he had enough to slam the Chinese dude and all the mob bosses with a RICO indictment. As soon as I read that, I stopped the tape recorder. Gotcha 'Bron. It all made sense after that.
It now made sense that LeBron locked his so called "high school sweetheart" down when he can have any chick on the planet. Would a straight man choose this over this, or this? Let's be serious. Oh and if you think this post is another excuse to google image Megan Fox, well...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxNOCl7S7lU (embedding was disabled...rats)
And not only did LBJ wife up the first chick to slob his knob, there are absolutely NO rumors of him cavorting with any tasties. The only suspicious relationship he has is with Jay-Z. This could be because Lebron and his crew are so concerned with his image that they cover up scandals better than Blair Waldorf if she were running for president while on the Real World. Possible. It could also be that LeBron simply doesn't cheat because he is devoted to his first and one true love. Please.
Speaking of his crew, it now also makes sense why LeBron would fire Aaron Goodwin, one of the top powerbrokers in the game, in favor of his "friend" who didn't even graduate from college. Maverick Carter is clearly LeBron's Svengali. To put it simply Berry Gordy:Diana Ross Maverick Carter:LeBron James. It is well hidden to be sure, but nobody is perfect. Hence the discovery of the footsie. Sure it may be subconscious, but that's just the power of pure lust. It surfaces no matter how hard you try to keep it under raps.
That repression explains the whole Global Icon thing. I'm pretty sure LeBron isn't compensating for a small member, but he has an almost pathological desire to be the biggest and greatest entity in the history of entities. Now we know the driving force behind that. And I admire that. Having an alternative lifestyle should not hinder an athlete or celebrity from being the GOAT.
Let's not get it twisted, I see nothing wrong with this. A spida does what a spida do. I'm just glad all the puzzle pieces fit together in my mind.
An innocuous line in Esquire's new feature (worth the time to read) about the aspiring Global Icon himself...or is it? To me, reading that line was like when Harvey Dent knew he had enough to slam the Chinese dude and all the mob bosses with a RICO indictment. As soon as I read that, I stopped the tape recorder. Gotcha 'Bron. It all made sense after that.
It now made sense that LeBron locked his so called "high school sweetheart" down when he can have any chick on the planet. Would a straight man choose this over this, or this? Let's be serious. Oh and if you think this post is another excuse to google image Megan Fox, well...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxNOCl7S7lU (embedding was disabled...rats)
And not only did LBJ wife up the first chick to slob his knob, there are absolutely NO rumors of him cavorting with any tasties. The only suspicious relationship he has is with Jay-Z. This could be because Lebron and his crew are so concerned with his image that they cover up scandals better than Blair Waldorf if she were running for president while on the Real World. Possible. It could also be that LeBron simply doesn't cheat because he is devoted to his first and one true love. Please.
Speaking of his crew, it now also makes sense why LeBron would fire Aaron Goodwin, one of the top powerbrokers in the game, in favor of his "friend" who didn't even graduate from college. Maverick Carter is clearly LeBron's Svengali. To put it simply Berry Gordy:Diana Ross Maverick Carter:LeBron James. It is well hidden to be sure, but nobody is perfect. Hence the discovery of the footsie. Sure it may be subconscious, but that's just the power of pure lust. It surfaces no matter how hard you try to keep it under raps.
That repression explains the whole Global Icon thing. I'm pretty sure LeBron isn't compensating for a small member, but he has an almost pathological desire to be the biggest and greatest entity in the history of entities. Now we know the driving force behind that. And I admire that. Having an alternative lifestyle should not hinder an athlete or celebrity from being the GOAT.
Let's not get it twisted, I see nothing wrong with this. A spida does what a spida do. I'm just glad all the puzzle pieces fit together in my mind.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Drugs are cool, Josh Howard isn't
Last spring, we learned that Mavs forward Josh Howard enjoys a little of the sticky icky on occasion, and doesn't think it's a big deal. Now, I may have taken a rip or two in my time, so I'm not really in a position to hate on Howard for smoking weed. After all, if my seventh grade health class taught me anything, it's that smoking pot is cool and will make you popular. Plus, it's not as though he's the first NBA player to enjoy the fruits of mother nature.
But now Howard is making more headlines, and it isn't because he can smell colors or feel sounds. It's because he hates America. See for yourself. (Note: I haven't figured out how to embed a YouTube video. Here's the link. I'll fix this once I learn how to use a computer for something other than downloading porn.)
Seriously, Josh? Disrespecting the national anthem? Who do you think you are, Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf? For those of you who don't remember, Abdul-Rauf was a mediocre point guard for the Nuggets and Kings who was once traded for Lithuanian phenom Sarunas Marciulionis. Abdul-Rauf gained notoriety mostly for his refusal to stand during the Star-Spangled Banner because the flag was a "symbol of oppression." Or, to put it another way, Abdul-Rauf gained notoriety mostly for being a fego, another reason why he's being included in this blog.
Now, the great thing about America is that guys like Howard and Abdul-Rauf have the freedom to disrespect the country that has made them rich and famous. However, if I'm Barack Obama, I'm not jumping for joy over Josh Howard's endorsement. As if Obama doesn't have his hands full dealing with John McCain and Sarah Palin, now he has to distance himself from pot-smoking, freedom-hating hoopers. Howard can get high and write an entire dissertation about racism in America and the Wendy's dollar menu and why he's rated below this guy in NBA 2K9--just leave Obama out of it.
I have to say, I'm a little bit surprised about Howard's emergence as the NBA's newest loose cannon, liable to say whatever crazy shit pops into his weed-addled mind any time he is on camera. He should know better. I mean, he did to go Wake Forest, the same school that produce Tim Duncan, the least quotable athlete in the history of athletes and quotes.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
You wanna crown her? Then crown her ass!
Well, Denny, I'm not sure what you mean by that. But either way, whether you mean crowning Megan Fox as the new queen of the Jessica Alba Division or some kinky sexual act in the vane of the Frugal Chinaman (disregard the fegacious spelling in the link), I'm game.
Let me back up a second and give you some background on the JAD. I have named my own personal chick lists after the archetypes that made me start thinking about the topic in such a fashion. You got the Rachel McAdams division and the Jessica Alba division. Now you probably already know what I mean if you know me at all or have any traces of testosterone in your endocrine system. For readers slow on the uptake, the Rachel Div is the "wife me up" division and the Jalba Div is the "sex me up" division. This is not to say I wouldn't wanna lock down the Jalba or have a ravenous night with the Rach. In fact, crossovers are allowed and encouraged. The classification is based on the raw instincts that are elicited by the thought/sight of the subject. (You PUAs out there might recognize this as pair bonding vs the urge to f-close.)
Rachel remains on the top of her eponymous division despite not having completed any works relevant to me in the past 3 years. The reason for this is 3 fold. 1.) She hasn't done anything recently to dimish her status, like say getting pregnant, or the Herp from a certain Yankee Captain 2.) I saw Wedding Crashers for the 95th time pretty recently. 3.) The Notebook
Where Rachel remains a Rocky Marciano undefeated heavyweight champion type, Jessica Alba is more like Roy Jones Jr. Like Jones' domination of the light heavyweight division (he held all 7 belts from Feb '02 to May '05), Jalba was the long time undisputed champion of her own true division and perhaps GOAT (or HOAT, as Maktar might say). Jones also captured a lesser heavyweight belt against a lame opponent (John Ruiz) which is akin to Jalba's peak as number 3 in the Rachel division. Jessica also has her blemishes, which coupled with Fox's now meteoric rise has knocked her off the pedastal. Jones has his criticisms of weak opponents, 4 losses, allegations of taking Andro, and a connection to cock and dogfighting and Jalba has her aforementioned pregnancy and STD. Not to mention her blonde hair in the fantastic 4 creeping me out. Shades of RuPaul. Although don't get me wrong, Jessica Alba is like a combination of Bill Gates and Bruce Wayne and Ru would be like one of those dudes who goes through your trash looking for plastic bottles. For these reasons and others that I am not self aware enough to uncover, Jessica has unfortunately fallen off in recent years.
Which brings us to the winner....and NEW Champion of the Jessica Alba Division! Megan Fox! To what does she owe her ascent? Glad you asked. Exhibit A. She's ridiculously hot. Chicks that I talk to while I'm thinking about Megan Fox get hotter by mental diffusion(osmosis is for water, people). Now, like Mystery approaching a 10+ you may ask, "what makes her so special?" After all, beauty is everywhere. First there are her views on Nancy Botwin's cash crop. Rational thought = hot. She also claims to enjoy sex. A lot. That could be a publicity ploy (that same claim boosted Jalba's stock back in the day), but I'd like to think otherwise. And finally, the icing on the cake. You may have heard about Nikita, the stripper she fell in love with. I don't think that takes further explanation. T-Pain is a fine man to emulate, let's just hope she doesn't switch r&b role models and start peeing on 14 year olds.
(Note: In "researching" this post I came across plenty of evidence to contradict that Jessica Alba isn't the hottest chick on the planet. But, they are old pictures. Old pictures might have Britney Spears at number 1. These lists are for now, and right now Fox wins.)
Let me back up a second and give you some background on the JAD. I have named my own personal chick lists after the archetypes that made me start thinking about the topic in such a fashion. You got the Rachel McAdams division and the Jessica Alba division. Now you probably already know what I mean if you know me at all or have any traces of testosterone in your endocrine system. For readers slow on the uptake, the Rachel Div is the "wife me up" division and the Jalba Div is the "sex me up" division. This is not to say I wouldn't wanna lock down the Jalba or have a ravenous night with the Rach. In fact, crossovers are allowed and encouraged. The classification is based on the raw instincts that are elicited by the thought/sight of the subject. (You PUAs out there might recognize this as pair bonding vs the urge to f-close.)
Rachel remains on the top of her eponymous division despite not having completed any works relevant to me in the past 3 years. The reason for this is 3 fold. 1.) She hasn't done anything recently to dimish her status, like say getting pregnant, or the Herp from a certain Yankee Captain 2.) I saw Wedding Crashers for the 95th time pretty recently. 3.) The Notebook
Where Rachel remains a Rocky Marciano undefeated heavyweight champion type, Jessica Alba is more like Roy Jones Jr. Like Jones' domination of the light heavyweight division (he held all 7 belts from Feb '02 to May '05), Jalba was the long time undisputed champion of her own true division and perhaps GOAT (or HOAT, as Maktar might say). Jones also captured a lesser heavyweight belt against a lame opponent (John Ruiz) which is akin to Jalba's peak as number 3 in the Rachel division. Jessica also has her blemishes, which coupled with Fox's now meteoric rise has knocked her off the pedastal. Jones has his criticisms of weak opponents, 4 losses, allegations of taking Andro, and a connection to cock and dogfighting and Jalba has her aforementioned pregnancy and STD. Not to mention her blonde hair in the fantastic 4 creeping me out. Shades of RuPaul. Although don't get me wrong, Jessica Alba is like a combination of Bill Gates and Bruce Wayne and Ru would be like one of those dudes who goes through your trash looking for plastic bottles. For these reasons and others that I am not self aware enough to uncover, Jessica has unfortunately fallen off in recent years.
Which brings us to the winner....and NEW Champion of the Jessica Alba Division! Megan Fox! To what does she owe her ascent? Glad you asked. Exhibit A. She's ridiculously hot. Chicks that I talk to while I'm thinking about Megan Fox get hotter by mental diffusion(osmosis is for water, people). Now, like Mystery approaching a 10+ you may ask, "what makes her so special?" After all, beauty is everywhere. First there are her views on Nancy Botwin's cash crop. Rational thought = hot. She also claims to enjoy sex. A lot. That could be a publicity ploy (that same claim boosted Jalba's stock back in the day), but I'd like to think otherwise. And finally, the icing on the cake. You may have heard about Nikita, the stripper she fell in love with. I don't think that takes further explanation. T-Pain is a fine man to emulate, let's just hope she doesn't switch r&b role models and start peeing on 14 year olds.
(Note: In "researching" this post I came across plenty of evidence to contradict that Jessica Alba isn't the hottest chick on the planet. But, they are old pictures. Old pictures might have Britney Spears at number 1. These lists are for now, and right now Fox wins.)
Monday, September 15, 2008
So Long, So Long (Possibly NSFW)
The Dashboard Confessional streak lives on....
I was going to write a post in honor of Michael Phelp's appearance on SNL--proposing the top 10 athletes who I'd rather watch host the show. But a funny thing happened in compiling the list. I realized that, of my top 10, the majority of my choices were basketball big men. I think that we can all agree that we'd rather see the likes of Shaq, Dwight Howard, Big Baby, Greg Oden, and Tim "Xanax" Duncan doing their best Joe Piscopo impressions. This doesn't even take into account retired personalities like Georghe Muresan and Shawn "Sacrificial Lamb" Bradley who would surely bring the show back to its previous apex. Ok, so I was joking about the last three...but still--there IS a real and statistically significant correlation between being 6'9" and above and commanding a boyishly charming sense of humor.
So what is the origin of this relationship? Why are these otherwise gawky maladroits so, for lack of a better word, so cool? Some may point to the precedent set by Kareem Abdul Jabbar in Airplane as establishing the archetype of the confident, funny big guy. But I would argue that this traces back to something more fundamental. Something so inherent that even foreign born bigs like Who wants to Sex Mutombo fall somewhere between Michael Richards (sans being a racist bastard) and Seth Rogan on the comedy scale. Even Desgana Diop is a natural:
What is this elusive quality that I am speaking of? Well let's just say that if there's any type of reverse causality, my boys Peter North and Lex Steele should be taking money shots with Manu and Eva Longoria next season. Yes, I'm talking about dick size.
I don't know how to make footnotes in blogspot, but this article was certainly instrumental in the formation of this argument. My contention is one part Albert Camus, one part Rocco Siffredi. Once these descendents of Diggler realize that they have snake cocks, they are free to act however they damn well please. No matter how much of an ass they make of themselves, these heirs of (John) Holmes can always be consoled by the fact that they have a pringles can in their pants. The constant penile reassurance allows the big men to take on bigger, more boisterous personalities with aplomb, leading to phenomenon like the dance off at the all-star contest last year.
Imagine that you were the feature in this commercial:
Imagine that the name of the commercial was "Godzilla Penis". You're saying that you wouldn't act like a smug bastard and a cocky piece of shit at the same time?
You may be wondering, "If being funny is just based on size, then why don't I see Gilbert Brown on Whose Line is it Anyway?" Well for one, I'm pretty sure that he's too busy inhaling a whole pan of mac-n-cheese, oh wait, that's Lendale White. Additionally, I'll submit this (NSFW) as empirical evidence that football players don't necessarily have massive di-acks.
Why all of this? Why would I discuss large genitalia in such detail? I think it's largely an orientalistic admiration of the exotic. Much like jenkem addicts and people who actually date their own race, I'm just curious to see how the other side lives.
I was going to write a post in honor of Michael Phelp's appearance on SNL--proposing the top 10 athletes who I'd rather watch host the show. But a funny thing happened in compiling the list. I realized that, of my top 10, the majority of my choices were basketball big men. I think that we can all agree that we'd rather see the likes of Shaq, Dwight Howard, Big Baby, Greg Oden, and Tim "Xanax" Duncan doing their best Joe Piscopo impressions. This doesn't even take into account retired personalities like Georghe Muresan and Shawn "Sacrificial Lamb" Bradley who would surely bring the show back to its previous apex. Ok, so I was joking about the last three...but still--there IS a real and statistically significant correlation between being 6'9" and above and commanding a boyishly charming sense of humor.
So what is the origin of this relationship? Why are these otherwise gawky maladroits so, for lack of a better word, so cool? Some may point to the precedent set by Kareem Abdul Jabbar in Airplane as establishing the archetype of the confident, funny big guy. But I would argue that this traces back to something more fundamental. Something so inherent that even foreign born bigs like Who wants to Sex Mutombo fall somewhere between Michael Richards (sans being a racist bastard) and Seth Rogan on the comedy scale. Even Desgana Diop is a natural:
What is this elusive quality that I am speaking of? Well let's just say that if there's any type of reverse causality, my boys Peter North and Lex Steele should be taking money shots with Manu and Eva Longoria next season. Yes, I'm talking about dick size.
I don't know how to make footnotes in blogspot, but this article was certainly instrumental in the formation of this argument. My contention is one part Albert Camus, one part Rocco Siffredi. Once these descendents of Diggler realize that they have snake cocks, they are free to act however they damn well please. No matter how much of an ass they make of themselves, these heirs of (John) Holmes can always be consoled by the fact that they have a pringles can in their pants. The constant penile reassurance allows the big men to take on bigger, more boisterous personalities with aplomb, leading to phenomenon like the dance off at the all-star contest last year.
Imagine that you were the feature in this commercial:
Imagine that the name of the commercial was "Godzilla Penis". You're saying that you wouldn't act like a smug bastard and a cocky piece of shit at the same time?
You may be wondering, "If being funny is just based on size, then why don't I see Gilbert Brown on Whose Line is it Anyway?" Well for one, I'm pretty sure that he's too busy inhaling a whole pan of mac-n-cheese, oh wait, that's Lendale White. Additionally, I'll submit this (NSFW) as empirical evidence that football players don't necessarily have massive di-acks.
Why all of this? Why would I discuss large genitalia in such detail? I think it's largely an orientalistic admiration of the exotic. Much like jenkem addicts and people who actually date their own race, I'm just curious to see how the other side lives.
I was not like this until I stepped IN this place
Two episodes in and nobody’s even MENTIONED the thought that Kelly Anne might have some new Dr. 90210 enhancements? I’m talking about none other than the new RR/RW Challenge, that surprisingly, I can’t catch at all hours of the day. Perhaps MTV has enough shows now that I don’t have to watch Super Sweet Sixteen Remix Redux Uncensored rehash for the 12th time in one day (how dumb is this new show title: Top Pop Group. Did they get a bunch of first graders into a room and ask them to read Dr. Seuss out loud?)
However, I have some pretty dismaying news. This challenge sucks. It’s the antithesis to the hype of the RW:
When all is said and done, I hate this show, but I will continue to watch it, because that's what Real World does to you, make you a hungering, devouring, slobbering, dramaslut fiend. Maybe those that have seen the Island might disagree with its quality, but this remains true: Bad Boys (and Bad Boys II) is the best movie Will Smith has ever made.
Delonte West is High on Life
The Stephon Marbury Award for being an inexplicably absurd interview subject goes to Delonte West. I wonder if he was talking so slow because he was choosing his words carefully or because he was actually high. It makes me very curious about a)what the man does on a daily basis b) he's going to spend his new contract constructing a tunnel system under whatever property he owns.
http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/blog/ball_dont_lie/post/YouTube-of-the-Year-revisted-Delonte-West-unc?urn=nba,107760
http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/blog/ball_dont_lie/post/YouTube-of-the-Year-revisted-Delonte-West-unc?urn=nba,107760
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The Best Deceptions
Recently, I had a conversation with Harsh about IBM and how they track performance of their consultants. Apparently, the poindexters at the Big Blue monolith have developed a proprietary metric as a means to evaluate employees. What exactly goes into this hell broth is somewhat of a mystery to me, though surely it involves, some permutation of assessments by superiors, time spent training, and dick (or crocus) size. This is exciting because the economist in me loves creating formulas to predict the behavior of something more abstract, like the QB rating, the NIKE Sparq rating to measure athletic potential in high school prospects, or Raven Symone's weight fluctuations.
Unfortunately, the Sparq rating's track record is somewhat spotty. For every Brandan Wright that it predicts dead on, there's always a Von Wafer or three that destroy its legitimacy. This comes in equal parts because of imperfections in the formula itself, as well as motivational and mental variations in the athletes. While we can never fully eliminate the human variable, think of how powerful any of these measures would be, if perfectly calibrated. Imagine being able to look at this one number and pick out the perfect QB for your system from a crowd of Quincy Carter wannabes. I know it's all a pipe dream, but it's made me think of metrics that I can develop to employ when I get in arguments with my friends.
My most advanced concept so far is the 3:16 ratio. In truth, it may prove to be somewhat esoteric for you plebeians, but I'll humor you guys and give you a simplified version:
You guys may or may not realize it, but I am still somewhat of a wrestling fan. Really, when I say "fan" I mean that I'd be willing to pay two-week's paycheck to go to WWE: Survivor Series this November. By "fan" I mean that I woke up at 9:00 on a Saturday morning to buy tickets for said Survivor Series, only to be rebuked. By "fan" I mean that it's still real to me, damnit.
To this end, I've developed the 3:16 ratio as an objective means to settle debates about who's a better wrestler.
Methodology:
My first assumption is the (controversial) contention that Stone Cold Steve Austin is the best wrestler of all time (Stone_Cold = 1). Having established this, I then evaluate all other wrestlers as a function of how well they interact with Stone Cold. The dummy variable for this is, of course, how well they take the most devasating bump in the Wrestling Entertainment business--the mythical Stone Cold Stunner.
With this, a four-tiered hierarchy is established:
1. The Cindi Lauper Division:
Prototype: Donald Trump
You see it every year. Some has-been quasi celebrity attempts to capitalize upon their name recognition by wrestling at some Pay-Per-View. In its nascent stages, this phenomenon was promising with three of the baddest men on the planet (BMOP)--ever--entering the squared circle: Mr. T at Wrestlemania I, Mike Tyson at Wrestlemania XIV, and Dennis Rodman at WCW's Bash at the Beach. In recent years, however, we've seen jobbers like Pete "OJ's innocent, but I'm not" Rose wrestling, and unfortunately, it seems like this trend is here to stay.
The most embarassing of these attempts was Donald Trump's "hair vs. hair" match against Mr. McMahon. Regardless of how shitty the actual match was, the highlight was supposed to be Stone Cold giving the pouting one a stunner. What did we actually get? Mr. Trump pussy sipping a can of Bud Light like me at ATO freshman year and a bump that Omrosa could have sold better. Judge for yourself:
PUSSY.
2. The Jericho Stratum:
Prototype: Goldberg
This is where the vast majority of wrestlers fall. Most have a decent idea of how to take the Stunner bump, but show little creativity in how they perform it. *Yawn*.
Massive deductions for not selling the kick to the ballsiac (at least act like your stomach really hurts, or something), and the lack of explosiveness after getting his jaw crushed by Stone Cold's massive shoulder muscles.
3. The Hall Effect
Prototype: Scott Hall
Full Disclosure: I don't know exactly how to treat this subset--wrestlers who oversold the stunner. In one way, it's kind of cool to imagine the move being akin to a reverse Curb Stomp ( I LOVE the eyebrows when he gets arrested), pummeling the victim's brain stem into the dust. However, when people go over the top, it definitely hurts the legitimacy of the sport (yes I meant to say sport). Does anyone actually think that hitting your chin to someone's shoulder will actually cause you to do a reverse two and a half pike? Yeah I didn't think so. Then what the hell are you doing, Mr. Hall?
It's an 8 second video, and he's airborne for 6 seconds of it. At least react in a way that's vaguely realistic, like spitting out some chiclets soaked in catsup. The integrity of the game depends on it.
4. The Dwayne-Johnson Singularity
Prototype: The Great One
When you think back to your days as a wrestling fan, like a week ago, the one definitive rivalry is almost certainly the Rock/Austin feud. Personally, it's a toss-up between the two for the title of BMOP. This rivalry was memorable not only because you had the two biggest stars clashing at the height of their careers, but also because the two sold each other's moves better than anyone else. Much like the Cowboys and Redskins, Sooners and Longhorns, or LC and Heidi, these two helped elevate each other to reach greater heights. This is, by my account, the greatest stunner of all time:
Your thoughts? You have to appreciate how the Rock's spine turns into a slinky rolling down a staircase. Not only is he the most electrifying man in sports entertainment, but he's also the most electrifying man at getting his ass kicked. You can actually hear Jerry Lawler chuckle at how ridiculous his bump is. Still, shit like this makes JR have an aneurysm, and I think we're all better people for it. No one is too good for this bump; it is better than all of us.
Unfortunately, the Sparq rating's track record is somewhat spotty. For every Brandan Wright that it predicts dead on, there's always a Von Wafer or three that destroy its legitimacy. This comes in equal parts because of imperfections in the formula itself, as well as motivational and mental variations in the athletes. While we can never fully eliminate the human variable, think of how powerful any of these measures would be, if perfectly calibrated. Imagine being able to look at this one number and pick out the perfect QB for your system from a crowd of Quincy Carter wannabes. I know it's all a pipe dream, but it's made me think of metrics that I can develop to employ when I get in arguments with my friends.
My most advanced concept so far is the 3:16 ratio. In truth, it may prove to be somewhat esoteric for you plebeians, but I'll humor you guys and give you a simplified version:
You guys may or may not realize it, but I am still somewhat of a wrestling fan. Really, when I say "fan" I mean that I'd be willing to pay two-week's paycheck to go to WWE: Survivor Series this November. By "fan" I mean that I woke up at 9:00 on a Saturday morning to buy tickets for said Survivor Series, only to be rebuked. By "fan" I mean that it's still real to me, damnit.
To this end, I've developed the 3:16 ratio as an objective means to settle debates about who's a better wrestler.
Methodology:
My first assumption is the (controversial) contention that Stone Cold Steve Austin is the best wrestler of all time (Stone_Cold = 1). Having established this, I then evaluate all other wrestlers as a function of how well they interact with Stone Cold. The dummy variable for this is, of course, how well they take the most devasating bump in the Wrestling Entertainment business--the mythical Stone Cold Stunner.
With this, a four-tiered hierarchy is established:
1. The Cindi Lauper Division:
Prototype: Donald Trump
You see it every year. Some has-been quasi celebrity attempts to capitalize upon their name recognition by wrestling at some Pay-Per-View. In its nascent stages, this phenomenon was promising with three of the baddest men on the planet (BMOP)--ever--entering the squared circle: Mr. T at Wrestlemania I, Mike Tyson at Wrestlemania XIV, and Dennis Rodman at WCW's Bash at the Beach. In recent years, however, we've seen jobbers like Pete "OJ's innocent, but I'm not" Rose wrestling, and unfortunately, it seems like this trend is here to stay.
The most embarassing of these attempts was Donald Trump's "hair vs. hair" match against Mr. McMahon. Regardless of how shitty the actual match was, the highlight was supposed to be Stone Cold giving the pouting one a stunner. What did we actually get? Mr. Trump pussy sipping a can of Bud Light like me at ATO freshman year and a bump that Omrosa could have sold better. Judge for yourself:
PUSSY.
2. The Jericho Stratum:
Prototype: Goldberg
This is where the vast majority of wrestlers fall. Most have a decent idea of how to take the Stunner bump, but show little creativity in how they perform it. *Yawn*.
Massive deductions for not selling the kick to the ballsiac (at least act like your stomach really hurts, or something), and the lack of explosiveness after getting his jaw crushed by Stone Cold's massive shoulder muscles.
3. The Hall Effect
Prototype: Scott Hall
Full Disclosure: I don't know exactly how to treat this subset--wrestlers who oversold the stunner. In one way, it's kind of cool to imagine the move being akin to a reverse Curb Stomp ( I LOVE the eyebrows when he gets arrested), pummeling the victim's brain stem into the dust. However, when people go over the top, it definitely hurts the legitimacy of the sport (yes I meant to say sport). Does anyone actually think that hitting your chin to someone's shoulder will actually cause you to do a reverse two and a half pike? Yeah I didn't think so. Then what the hell are you doing, Mr. Hall?
It's an 8 second video, and he's airborne for 6 seconds of it. At least react in a way that's vaguely realistic, like spitting out some chiclets soaked in catsup. The integrity of the game depends on it.
4. The Dwayne-Johnson Singularity
Prototype: The Great One
When you think back to your days as a wrestling fan, like a week ago, the one definitive rivalry is almost certainly the Rock/Austin feud. Personally, it's a toss-up between the two for the title of BMOP. This rivalry was memorable not only because you had the two biggest stars clashing at the height of their careers, but also because the two sold each other's moves better than anyone else. Much like the Cowboys and Redskins, Sooners and Longhorns, or LC and Heidi, these two helped elevate each other to reach greater heights. This is, by my account, the greatest stunner of all time:
Your thoughts? You have to appreciate how the Rock's spine turns into a slinky rolling down a staircase. Not only is he the most electrifying man in sports entertainment, but he's also the most electrifying man at getting his ass kicked. You can actually hear Jerry Lawler chuckle at how ridiculous his bump is. Still, shit like this makes JR have an aneurysm, and I think we're all better people for it. No one is too good for this bump; it is better than all of us.
Musical Recommendation of the Month
This month's MROTM is brought to you by Chork. It's not quite chicken, it's not quite pork. It's Chork.
Ladies and Gentlemen.....Kidz in the Hall
Their song always plays on Pandora and it's a banger. The opening lines of Naledge's verse are my favorite. "It's the flicker of the year. Flicker on my ear make a hater shed a tear." It just sounds really cool when he says it. Also the guys seem pretty cool. They went to Penn and have a lot of stuff about Obama on the internet. I'm a sucker for artists with scholastic pedigrees.
Music vid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsYL6MGqDss
Segment about them going back for Penn spring fling:
http://therapup.uproxx.com/2008/09/kidz-in-the-hall-on-current-tv-college-survival-guide-101.html
Bio:
http://www.pandora.com/music/artist/kidz+in+hall
Obama stuff:
(talking about the song)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJWNW3g6Blo
(the song)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjtT1FAlkd0
Ladies and Gentlemen.....Kidz in the Hall
Their song always plays on Pandora and it's a banger. The opening lines of Naledge's verse are my favorite. "It's the flicker of the year. Flicker on my ear make a hater shed a tear." It just sounds really cool when he says it. Also the guys seem pretty cool. They went to Penn and have a lot of stuff about Obama on the internet. I'm a sucker for artists with scholastic pedigrees.
Music vid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsYL6MGqDss
Segment about them going back for Penn spring fling:
http://therapup.uproxx.com/2008/09/kidz-in-the-hall-on-current-tv-college-survival-guide-101.html
Bio:
http://www.pandora.com/music/artist/kidz+in+hall
Obama stuff:
(talking about the song)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJWNW3g6Blo
(the song)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjtT1FAlkd0
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Wendy Peffercorn
I'm gonna go ahead and play life guard right now. DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINK IN CHAN'S POST when he starts talking about gay porn. He has outdone himself and actually linked to an erect penis. This shit will get you fired at work. Repeat: NSFW.
We need a blog banner. Any ideas?
We need a blog banner. Any ideas?
At least I won't be unoriginal
So I was going to get started on this last night, but sadly my attention shifted towards a mixture of pitiful reruns of the VMA's (you were right Howie), America's Got Talent, and the Santa Clause 3. It really baffles me how they got to a 3rd one. Who approves this shit? No JTT, no Tool Time hottie, not even Kid Rock's dwarf pal Joe C wearing jingle bells. C'mon Tim Allen, throw me a frickin' bone. Give me Kardashian + Ray Jay's licorice candy cane + Haley Joel Osment = Santa Clause 4 - I Saw Mommy bangbroing Santa Clause.
Before I get started, here's a few things I wanted to get out of the way:
- I'm really excited for the Heroes series premiere. If you guys have never seen Heroes, this is a good reason to get started.
- Alex Smith is going on the IR for a broken shoulder, and this has affected exactly zero fantasy teams this year
- You can turn on the Spike channel at any given moment, and there is a 90% chance it's gonna be CSI
- I think I'm the last of the OHHH EIGHT allstars who has failed to acquire some source of income, whether that be eating free bagels on Casual Fridays or slobbering over Mike Lewis' cock in hopes of dollar bills cumming out. I fear my rejection rate is reaching Matt Cohen-esque numbers. I got the goods, but I'm missing the game.
ok NOW for the gayest thing that will ever be on this blog. So recently I was shown a certain video from a gay friend. It was a porno. It was kinda gay. It was a gay porn. But it wasn't just any gay porn oh no. I dunno if some of you know this kid, but Christopher LaCross, more aptly named Topher, went to Tufts, was part of Wilderness, and was quite frankly, part of our lives. By now you're already hating me for the link, but at least you didn't have to see the smegma particles up close and personal. My notions of a meathead douchbag was all changed after I was shown a video of him. Apparently he was paid to participate in a solo session, involving mostly his hand and his genitals. While I don't necessarily condone shoving oblong glass objects into your anus, and then using your own jizz as lubricant, I pose this question: what exactly would it take for you to do a homosexual porno? Millions of dollars? Free gas for life? 5 minutes with Erin Andrews? I'm jobless and the market isn't looking good, so don't think it hasn't crossed my mind...I used to sit behind this kid in Physics class. He's a premed and will one day be treating your herniated disks, or giving you Tommy John surgery. He also loves dildos up his butt. You stew on that for a bit.
Let's just end this on a heterosexual note, and I'll leave you with Michelle Hunziker, my new internet lust interest. Man, I have too much free time.
Before I get started, here's a few things I wanted to get out of the way:
- I'm really excited for the Heroes series premiere. If you guys have never seen Heroes, this is a good reason to get started.
- Alex Smith is going on the IR for a broken shoulder, and this has affected exactly zero fantasy teams this year
- You can turn on the Spike channel at any given moment, and there is a 90% chance it's gonna be CSI
- I think I'm the last of the OHHH EIGHT allstars who has failed to acquire some source of income, whether that be eating free bagels on Casual Fridays or slobbering over Mike Lewis' cock in hopes of dollar bills cumming out. I fear my rejection rate is reaching Matt Cohen-esque numbers. I got the goods, but I'm missing the game.
ok NOW for the gayest thing that will ever be on this blog. So recently I was shown a certain video from a gay friend. It was a porno. It was kinda gay. It was a gay porn. But it wasn't just any gay porn oh no. I dunno if some of you know this kid, but Christopher LaCross, more aptly named Topher, went to Tufts, was part of Wilderness, and was quite frankly, part of our lives. By now you're already hating me for the link, but at least you didn't have to see the smegma particles up close and personal. My notions of a meathead douchbag was all changed after I was shown a video of him. Apparently he was paid to participate in a solo session, involving mostly his hand and his genitals. While I don't necessarily condone shoving oblong glass objects into your anus, and then using your own jizz as lubricant, I pose this question: what exactly would it take for you to do a homosexual porno? Millions of dollars? Free gas for life? 5 minutes with Erin Andrews? I'm jobless and the market isn't looking good, so don't think it hasn't crossed my mind...I used to sit behind this kid in Physics class. He's a premed and will one day be treating your herniated disks, or giving you Tommy John surgery. He also loves dildos up his butt. You stew on that for a bit.
Let's just end this on a heterosexual note, and I'll leave you with Michelle Hunziker, my new internet lust interest. Man, I have too much free time.
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