The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most

Outside of Rosario Dawson catching the game winner in San Diego, the biggest story coming out of week one has to be Tom Brady's season ending injury. While it doesn't rank up in the Joe Theissman/Two Girls-One Cup/Dustin Diamond's "Saved by the Smell" echelon of nasty moments, I'm sure that many in Patriot nation had the same visceral reactions. Unfortunately, the show must go on without Mr. Bundchen, and there is much debate about who should pilot the ship in his place. Noted consultant that I am, here are my suggestions to the Patriots for potential replacements. To find the proper surrogate Brady, I've taken into account proven quarterbacking ability, movie-star good looks, and marketability. Oh yeah, I've also given extra points for being African American, because I love the black quarterback (suck on that, Rush Limbaugh!). Here are my insidious six:

Eric Crouch:



Truthfully, I don't think that this guy ever got a fare shake in the NFL. I know that the Patriots employ more of a pro-style offense, but Crouch's versatility would shine through. Heisman Winner. 3000 yards passing and rushing in college. Jigga Man recorded a rush, pass, and reception touchdown all in the same game. Speaking of versatile, this nugget comes from his wikipedia: "Crouch likes to jet ski when he is not woodworking." WOW. This makes him like, what, a quintuple threat?? Bilicheck, put it under "advisement".

Daunte Culpepper:

So what if he's "retired"? Unless he dropped a few bills to call Ms. Cleo, there's no way he could have forseen this--the opportunity to reunite with "Straight Cash Homey" Moss. And if that Wranglers Jeans guy can retire and unretire during the offseason, why can't Duante do it within the same week? People forget how monsterous his 2004 season was (4700 yards passing, 39 TD's). Not me. I think I projected him to have 5300 yards and 65 Td's in 2005. But I've been known to get my "2005's" and "2008's" mixed up. It happens.

Michael Bishop:



I know, I know, yo might be asking yourself, "Didn't he already flame out with the Pat's?" Well let me answer your question with two questions of my own:
1. Do I look like I care...what people think?
2. Why are people still making mixtapes of this dood? Cuz he's that damn good, that's why. This guy was Vick before there was Vick. The issue with Bishop is that he's currently playing in the CFL--meaning that his main competition is a team named the Alouette's. What the hell is an alouette anyway? I'm thinking it's some weird symbol like this guy: "&" or this badboy "?!"
Edit: On closer investigation, turns out an alouette is a traditional french-canadian song about picking feathers off a bird. Umm...ok, Bishop, you're disqualified.

Jason Street:

Once touted as the best quarterback recruit ever for Notre Dame, 6 has hit some hard times recently...if by hard times, I mean probable quadriplegia. However, Street has been investigating some experimental shark stem-cell treatments in Mexico, and he has regained partial strength in his throwing hand. Ok, so he'll probably never walk again, but I'm going to put him on this list for a couple reasons. First, when asked if he thought that God loved football, Street responded, "I think that everybody loves football". I don't think a more marketable phrase has been uttered since "Impossible is Nothing" or " YOU Are the new prototype". Second, Street used to jackhammer this:
Between Lyla and Giselle I'd have to say: Push. But Street's as good a candidate as anyone, save for that whole walking under his own power thing.


Junior Floyd:

Blessed with a prototypical release and Tiger Beat good looks, Junior's been on the national radar since Pee Wee. He proved to us in "Little Giants" that he can win games with virtually no supporting cast, aside from that emaciated kid without the negligent father and the morbidly obese Chinese kickball player. I can't imagine what kind of pinball numbers Floyd would put up throwing to one of the Moss twins and Sex Welker.

Really the only question mark surrounding Junior is his relationship with Becky "Icebox" O'Shea. Let's face it--she's no Giselle. Her name is fucking "Icebox" for christ sakes. I'm thinking I'm thinking at this point, she probably weighs, what, like a deuce, maybe deuce and a half. Floyd and Icebox is just not a very marketable couple. However, depending on her conditioning, she could be a possible long-term replacement for Vince Wilfork in a possible package deal.

Which brings us to my early favorite.....


Drew BledSlow:
How would this be for poetic justice? Bledsoe gallops in on his white horse and saves the franchise that turned their back on him. As recently as three years ago, Bledsoe was showing us that he could still make all the throws. If by "all the throws" I mean "Pick Six's". Well at least he's got some wheels, right? Look at this run:



He goes for like 10 yards and picked up a first, that's pretty good. Too bad he also picked up some internal bleeding.

Bledsoe to Moss? In Madden 2001 this would have been a quantum dream team. The real question is which is going to be higher--Bledsoe's speed rating or the number of picks he throws. The early over/under on both is 36.