Make it Rain

To preface this post, most of it is borderline nsfw and some of it is slightly explicit/offensive.

To start it off...

(The Sleazer reccommends listening while reading)

I gotta give props where they're due, and Ahole - in one of the biggest emo music upsets of the century - introduced me to this fly version of the Fat Joe song. On a similar note...

Look at that man, how can someone with instincts so mischievous look so innocent?

On one glorious spring break of 2007, DuPont was so inspired by the combination of Fat Joe, plenty of liquor and dancing women that he deemed it necessary to stand on our kitchen table, grab a pack of bicycle playing cards and shower what was probably a bunch of zeroes with 52 reminders of his awesomeness. As DuPont grinned, the cards rained down and another spring break legend was born.

"Stupid bitch I'm famous"

I won't pretend that I've ever "made it rain" in any sense; hell, I've never even been to a strip club. Upset special? Nah, but I think I'm due. Despite this, there's no denying the prevalence of strip clubs, strippers, Vegas and their associated stories in my life. Even so, I think what DuPont did was awesome, hilarious and to a point downright badass. Is actually making it rain demeaning to women? Maybe. It's also a strippers job to entertain in exchange for cash, so from my perspective as long as someone isn't grabbing or insulting the girl he can throw his money around as he sees fit.

"Baby I make it flood, now you gon' need a boat"

Which brings us to PacMan Jones


Waa waa waaaaoooow. Bucketfuls of cash. Everyone knows the shooting side of the story, the suspension, the reinstatement, blah blah blah. What Pacman does or doesn't do after this video really doesn't interest me. The fact that he brought 100,000 dollars to a strip club does.

"Got a handful of stacks better grab an umbrella"

First of all, if you bring that much money anywhere you are looking for trouble. That aside, the fact that he changes $40,000 into ones is almost beyond belief. To help you conceptualize it, stacked on top of each other it's 14 and a third FEET of cash. Now if I had that many feet of cash, I would bring a ladder to the strip club, stack the cash and make it rain from on high.

"Girl make that bucket a pot of gold"

The very idea that this amount of money is even measurable in feet is absurd in itself. How much of the money did he shower the strippers with? 5K, 10K, 20? Maybe the last naked warrior would like to do an over-under on the amount of cash in one of those buckets and we can calculate from there. I really have no idea where to start. Buckets!!!

As a side note, how does the DJ not have even the slightest sense of timeliness and throw on Fat Joe "Make it Rain" the instant this goes down? I'm sure the song is queued up at some point on the strip club standard playlist, but if there was ever a time for repeat, this is it. "Make it Rain" has to rank up there with Simmons' favorite "Pour Some Sugar on Me" as far as most played strip club songs of the past few years.

Now, the matter of the Nelly sighting. Not only is this the first I've heard of Nelly in a while, but he's following pacman's lead with a stack of 10 Gs in singles. By this point, Pacman realizes he has eaten far too many power pellets and is willing to change out 10,000 of his ones to help out Nelly in his time of need. Clearly Nelly is just living the life nowadays and throwing his money around, and at least he has the sense to shy away from the camera. At worst, he'll be remembered for the best play in the mlb all star game when all is said and done with his career (2:51 mark in the vid if you don't wanna watch geriatric Bob Knight.)

Chappelle's Show
When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong - Vernon Franklin
www.comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

"I got me a designated thrower cause my hand's hurtin'"

In an homage to Chappelle's "When Keepin it Real Goes Wrong", Jermaine "You me and" Dupri gets on the mike and decides that it's unacceptable for the women to bend over and collect their cash, and he then essentially reads the strippers their job description and responsibilities as entertainers. Apparently Pacman agreed and proceeds to go off the deep end.

"Ain't nothin' wrong with wantin' a little happy ending"

In the end we can all be thankful for the portability of camera phones for shedding some light on this ridiculous buildup to an absurd event. It just goes to show you that no matter how off the chain you thought your time was with the girls of glitter gulch, there's always someone doing something crazier.

Make it rain...

Packers Vikings Live Blog

The sleazer, as a Packer fan and as a football fan, will be giving his up to the moment reactions and analysis of the Packers at Vikings monday night football game. This isn't going to be unbiased analysis. It'll be like you were watchng the game with me...the day after it happened.

My thoughts leading up to the game:

I'm not sure if there has ever been a regular season game with more media storylines in any sport. You see players move from team to team, but you still want to think that if they a longtime player for any team, their love for that team would prevent them from playing for their former rival. You even see it happen on a smaller scale with players like Johnny Damon, but Favre going to the Vikings doesn't have a comparison that I can think of.

For some Packers fans it was a complete gut-shot. I am basically numb to the point where I just ignore everything he does. He was the face of the franchise for 16 years, and now he is the de facto face for the rival franchise in his waning years. All these storylines are great, but for me Pack Vikes is enough of a storyline.

Two matchups that I think will be important in this game that haven't gotten the media coverage are the Packers right side of the offensive line vs. the williams family and whoever plays opposite Jared Allen. The packers have really struggled in run-blocking on the right side, but they have an advantage athletically. I expect the Packers to try to exploit this with toss plays away from Jared Allen. Also, expect some screen passes out of 2 TE sets which will help open up some run lanes later in the game.

Another mathcup that bears watching is how Charles Woodson jumps routes vs. Favre. Woodson knows how Favre likes to play, and he is the smartest and best defender they have. Favre has a tendency to throw to guys before they come out of breaks, and Woodson capitalizes on these types of throws.

Continue Feeg'n Out--->

Still Got It

You're Welcome

Citizen Number One

If I've learned anything in my life as a sports fan, it's that sports reporters are predisposed towards hyperbole. In an era of around the clock sports coverage, where the writers have become entertainers, these ink slingers frequently resort to making absurd exaggerations and expressing intentionally contrarian viewpoints to sell print and boost ratings (read: Woody Paige/Skip "Fego" Bayless). It's simple--an article that annoints Bryce Harper as "The Best Prospect Ever" is always going to get more attention than one that merely touts him as "A Really Good Prospect." Hell, even in writing for a blog with virtually no readership, I feel the urge to juice up my subject's statures to make them seem more relevant.

I realize that what I write next may come off as more of the same--another piece of Rick Reillyesque bombast to burnish the memory of some undeserving millionaire has-been. The difference in this case is that I mean everything I am about to say and the subject really deserves the praise. It's fitting that the most sincere piece I'll ever write for this site is a paean to the white knight of the NBA (and my childhood idol), the virtuous David Robinson.

Continue Feeg'n Out--->

After allowing myself an Oden-esque lapse in productivity, let it be known that the Last Naked Warrior is making his triumphant return to the world of fegos.

Did you miss me, suckas?

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If You're Going To Bury The Truth, Make Sure It Stays Buried

Unless you've been too busy dancing in your underwear to the new Miley Cyrus joint (Certifiable HIT), you realize that tomorrow marks the beginning of the NFL season. For football diehards, the season opener portends many things. Week 1 signifies hope renewed, the moment at which all the abstract posturing and adjustments of the offseason solidify into something tangible. Will Michael Vick prove to be a model citizen in the Philly dog pound? Is this Poop Fargas' breakout year? Is this the Wrangler Jorts Guy's last season? We'll find out in the next few months.

Brett Favre on Draft Day: This was too good not to embed

Unfortunately, the beginning of the season represents something entirely different to me....something for which I will be eternally remoseful. I've tried for years to hide from my mistakes, but ultimately, ignoring the truth is never the answer. But I'm done with caring what people think. Of penitence I've had enough. Of penance there has been none. It's time that I came clean....

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

Freaks: Insidious Sixth

There will be times in your life when you cross a rubicon--one of those points where you recognize that life will never be the same afterwards. For me, last night was one of those nights.

Allow me to set the scene a little bit. One of my first posts on Fegonomics detailed my experience with my company's Red Sox season tickets last year--an experience that pretty much bored to tears. Fast forward 365 days: we got a black man doing his thing in the White House, Big Papi has lost at least 25 pounds of muscle, It Was All a Dream exhibits significantly more alcoholic tendencies, and I still hate baseball...well kinda.

I got tickets for the Red Sox/White Sox clash thinking that the White Sox fans were going to look like this. At the very least, I was excited by the prospect of double fisting $8 bood lights and alienating all the old-timers sitting around me and Dream. After a few assaults on the beer stand, and some freebie soft serve, I was starting to really get into the game. Something about the way Tim Wakefield was pulling some okey-doke shit with his knuckleballs really resonated with me. Around the sixth inning, the the score knotted at 1's, I started proclaiming that Wally Ortiz was going to hit a walkoff.

Anyone (read: the one person) who reads this blog realizes that my beisbol knowledge is limited. Patricia Heaton limited. Limited to the point that I think Henry Rowengartner is still the Cubs' middle reliever. So while I recognized that chaman Ortiz had definitely dropped a lot of bulk after getting off the 'roids, I failed to take into account the deletorious effects getting weaned off the cream and the clear would have on his performance. I mean, the fact that I can bench his batting average is not a very good sign. But statistics? Where we're going, we don't need no stinking statistics.

Continue Feeg'n Out--->

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