And That's Why You Don't Trade a Rookie

And with the 33rd overall pick in the 1991 NFL draft, the Atlanta Falcons select:

Brett Favre, QB, Southern Miss.
So the Packers didn't draft Favre, the Falcons did, and the rest was just little surprises along the way. Whoopsie!!!! Except that the Packers and then general manager Ron Wolf actually wanted Favre, while Falcons coach Jerry Glanville was quoted "It will take a plane crash for me to put him in the game." Unfortunately for Glanville, he was not aboard oceanic flight 815 and now he looks like the biggest boob to ever coach a legend. (Certain recent Vikings coaches aside)

Southern Miss was the only college to offer Brett Favre a football scholarship. That might come as a shock or maybe you knew that ages ago, but the fact remains that Favre was an unknown going into college. In high school Irvin Favre, Brett's dad, coached the football team. Despite being the coach's son, Irv's gameplan and offense was the wishbone so Brett never got to chuck the ball around the field despite his natural ability. Most high school games he only threw five or six passes. Mike Martz and Dean Coolbaugh shudder at the thought of such wasted talent.

On a side note, did Irv Favre repress Brett to the point that he began to compensate in the NFL by forcing the ball into coverage just to prove he could? How about audibling out of runs to throw game losing wounded ducks in the playoffs? We'll let Freud figure that one out I guess.

Once at Southern Miss, they wanted him to play corner, but Favre insisted on playing QB so he was relegated to 7th string. 7th string at Southern Mississippi. There are definitely some zero to hero stories in the NFL such as Samkon Gado (2nd stringer at Liberty to starter for the Packers), Willie Parker(his time is up), James Harrison (his time is now after years in NFL europe and the practice squad). Nevertheless, that Favre came from 7th on the depth chart to 33rd overall draft pick remains impressive.

Looking at Favre's college resume coming out of Southern Miss, 33rd overall does seem a little high for what amounted to a seemingly good player on a historically poor team. That Favre did as well as he did at Southern Miss is impressive in itself, but the NFL draft is often a matter of appearances more than football talent and Favre didn't have the pedigree or hype to overcome the lackluster reputation of the Southern Miss Golden Eagles.

Killer logo, but still a pitiful football team.

Coming out of college, Favre was somewhere between zero and hero, but still no one was willing to commit to him in the first round. There are always pre-draft storylines for the upper-echelon players and Favre's centered around his off the field problems. Only they weren't "problems" in the conventional sense. Favre had been in a near fatal car accident prior to his senior year. He survived, although doctors reportedly removed 30 inches (that's 3 shiancoes or 26 coolbaughs for you dick-counters at home) of his small intestine. Really this was just an irrelevant yet interesting story about a lesser known QB. It does not excuse the Falcons' actions in any way. Why the Falcons would ever draft any player, let alone a player high in the draft at the quarterback postion that their coach disliked is beyond me, but Ron Wolf of the Packers intended to draft Favre with the very next pick in the draft. That little tidbit would come to be quite relevant down the line, but for now Favre was a Falcon.

Favre began his time on the Falcons in horrid fashion. He would ultimately throw 2 interceptions on 4 attempts with no completions in his first year in the NFL. Quite the start for one of the best QBs ever.

The interesting part about Favre's time on the Falcons is not actually his play on the field or even in practice. Ron Wolf, the man who is forever legend in titletown for swinging the Favre deal, had coveted Favre since he missed him on draft day. Typically general managers are all too objective, and for good reason. If a GM becomes infatuated with a specific prospect he can end up staking his entire reputation and job security on a 21 year old man who really just wants to get paid. In the GM business it makes sense to be cautious and make every attempt to remain level headed about player evaluation and transactions. Football is a business from a GM standpoint and it is easier to avoid error and remain consistent if you treat it as such.

Bill Polian, current Colts GM is a perfect example of this. He drafts consistently well and almost never gets caught up in the hype of draft prospects be it good or bad. Ron Wolf was the opposite of Bill Polian, but he made it work by landing guys like Favre and Reggie White. Unfortunately for Wolf, his opinionated style cost him the shot at Randy Moss and he has continually stated that it still bothers him to this day that he passed on Moss.

Because Wolf was so unconventional, he never forgot about Favre and still wanted him even the season after his dismal rookie year. Wolf was daring enough to trade a first round pick (no 19) for a QB who had shown nothing and was originally drafted at 33. Only the infatuation of a GM with a player could cause such a deal to go down. The Falcons were ecstatic, and with any other player they probably laugh all the way to the bank. Call it great player evaluation, bad player evaluation by the Falcons, overvaluation of draft picks, luck, whatever. This time the rest really was history.

Ok, so maybe his first completion as a packer wasn't ideal, but he picked it up after that.

Perhaps it's because people would rather celebrate the forsight of Wolf than admonish an already mediocre franchise, but the Packers and Wolf get all the credit and the Falcons none of the blame. Well, I'm here to blame them because it was a stupid stupid move. ESPN did an entire documentary about how dumb it was to trade Wayne Gretzky. At least Edmonton got a few good years and some championships out of the guy! The Falcons got squat. That's right, they used the 19th overall on ANOTHER guy from Southern Miss.

How you can even conceptualize trading away what you must clearly believe (again, 33rd overall) is young talent at a position where you are starting the worst pro bowler of all time!!!? 53.3% completion percentage in the modern era is atrocious, and making the pro bowl with those stats is a travesty. Mike Vick never even got as low as 54% in his three pro bowl years and he makes chris miller look like he's playing women's ultimate.

Of the worst moments in Falcons history, this Favre trade should rank just below the Michael Vick dogfighting scandal. Instead it is chalked up to Favre's "Lost Falcons Year" or something like that. Have some accountability for trading away the best NFL player ever to be traded.

Tom Fucking Brady

Editor's Note:

This Fegonomics post is brought to you by your favorite Ann Arbor Man. No, not Brady you homer, the one you probably know personally.

This Guy Plays QB

Let me start this off by saying that my primary sports fan affiliation is collegiate. I never meant to become a New England Patriots fan, and I am not happy about the fact that I am. How all this came to pass centers around one man. And that man is Tom Brady. As someone who grew up in Ann Arbor, Michigan as the child of two parents who both graduated from U of M, I was indoctrinated at a young age to worship Michigan athletes, particularly football and basketball players. Mainly because of the rampant Michigan fandom in my childhood home, I also have very minimal attachments to any of the Detroit based sports teams even though they are right down the road from Ann Arbor. During high school I became a legitimate Pistons fan, but that was mainly related to my own personal interest in basketball as opposed to something internal. Because growing up in Ann Arbor was there really any reason to pick your head up and look down the road at whatever is going on in Detroit when you have Bo and the Fab Five? I think not.

For those of you familiar with being dedicated college sports fans, then you will understand that as players pass through Michigan and onto the NFL, NBA, or NHL I continue following their careers and just generally wanting whatever team they are on to win all the time. I think this happens because it seems like a natural extension of supporting these players at Michigan. After living and dying with someone (at least) once a week for three or four years you really feel like you have a vested interest in their continued success. Also, a nice difference between college and professional sports is that once someone has graduated from Michigan, that is an affiliation that (at least to me, as a fan) stays with them for the rest of their career. The “everything is business and I just want to get paid” attitude of professional sports tends to (for me) really limit the attachment to individual players on whatever team. Another reason that this happens is because, if players leave Michigan and are successful professionally, it obviously makes the school look good and helps with recruiting, the schools profile, etc. So the point is that for a long time I would follow and support Michigan athletes in a general, but passionate, “I just hope you always win” type of mindset for some time. And this is something that applies to all ex-Michigan players, almost regardless of their actual performance while at Michigan (even if their underperforming expectations became a seasonal tradition: see June, Cato).

As I am sure you can imagine Tom Brady was an athlete that fell into the above described category. While at Michigan he won 20 of the 25 games he started, was 1-1 against Ohio State, and was 2-0 in bowl games, including an overtime win against Alabama in the 2000 Orange Bowl (the only BCS game Michigan has ever won). Despite a solid overall performance as Michigan’s starter (especially considering what has been going on recently) Brady’s overall career was considered kind of a disappointment at Michigan. He had a hard time winning over the full support of fans and was seen by many as being less deserving of the starting job than Drew Henson, who was highly touted but two years younger than Brady. So I definitely considered it a surprise when he ended up taking over the starting job for the Pats and they started winning during the 2001 NFL season. But, just like I would for any other ex-Wolverine, I started wishing success upon the Pats and maybe paying slightly more attention to their box score than I otherwise would have.
The amount of attention I was paying to the Pats increased as the season progressed and the team/Brady became more successful. Because of the prominence of the starting quarterback position, by the time of that seasons playoffs Brady was one of the most prominent Michigan grads in the NFL. After leading the Patriots to victory in the super bowl and winning the super bowl MVP, he became the clear cut “ex-Mich foot player who is the most balling out.” Although a relatively unsuccessful 2002 season for the Patriots dimmed his star somewhat, that title was still his and he cemented his claim to it perhaps for the remainder of his career with the 2003 and 2004 seasons, where the Pats went 28-4 overall, won two more super bowls, and Brady picked up another super bowl MVP.

Around this time some pretty important other things were happening. Of note in these circumstances is firstly the fact that as we entered late high school the sports obsession of my friends and I really moved to the next level. This applied to all sports in general, but particularly (obviously) Michigan football. The 2003 and 2004 teams were both relatively successful, and with the realization that they were going to be at Michigan for college, some of my friends started to make the “obsessed college sports fan leap” and follow recruiting constantly, try to keep tabs on individual players progress through offseason workouts, and have constant knowledge/analysis to give about every player on the 2 deep. The other was me (indirectly) choosing to not become one of those people by choosing to go to Tufts instead of Michigan.

So with the profile of Michigan football at perhaps an all time high in my life I descended upon Boston in the fall of 2005. Now, Boston is traditionally considered a great city to live in/near while in college/college aged. Which I agree with. But the caveat is that it is a terrible city to live in/near as a college sports fan. With the exception of BC (whose sports teams I find generally uninspiring/uninteresting), all of the other Boston schools are some combination of small/academic/shitty at sports. Also, any fan support for the Red Sox (which I don’t care about/I think baseball sucks), Bruins (hockey is irrelevant), or Celtics (which only occurs now that the Celtics are good and god I fucking hate the Celtics) is at most irritating and at least not redeeming with me whatsoever.
Tom Brady and the Patriots represented the only ray of hope for me in this situation. It seemed like there could be something there. I loved Tom Brady. I wanted the Pats to win. Other people wanted the Pats to win and like Brady too. It had the makings of a good situation. There was a kind of fundamental difference in how all parties got to that point (I supported Brady unconditionally and therefore wanted the Pats to be successful while other people generally supported the team unconditionally and therefore wanted Brady to succeed) but that was something that could be ignored.

The problem was that at this point in time, Brady and the Pats were in many ways inseparable. This was the point in which the Belichick/Brady/Pats mystique was maybe at an all time high. They had just won 3 super bowls in 4 years. Belichick was a genius. The Pats always found a way to win. And the perception had started to kind of change from “every player on the patriots is a replaceable cog in the machine of winning” to “every play on the patriots is a replaceable cog in the machine of winning except for maybe Tom Brady who kind of makes the whole thing go.” Or at least that’s how I felt. Supporting Tom Brady and being a Pats fan became (even more) indistinguishable, at least in my eyes since Brady was (again in my eyes) the embodiment of the team as a whole. Clearly, I was walking a fine line here, and clearly, things didn’t end well.

Upon reflection, my descent into Patriots fanhood was cemented by the entire events of the 2007 season. There are few ways to reinforce and strengthen some feelings than to have them attacked. And due to the “Spygate” scandal of that season combined with the Pats destroying everyone while Brady was having a historically great season, there were plenty of people attacking the Patriots. And while it wasn’t this way in reality, to me all of those attacks were direct attacks upon Brady. And so whenever the topic came up, I ended up defending the Pats team/organization as a whole. I guess it didn’t have to be that way. I could have said, “I don’t really care about the Patriots, I just love Tom Brady” and left it at that. But alas, I went to bat on the behalf of the Patriots pretty much every time.

By that season’s super bowl, I had a lot invested. A win for that Patriots would have basically but Tom Brady at or near the top of the list for greatest quarterbacks in NFL history. I went into the game confident. And of course, well, I think we all know it didn’t work out. Stomach punch disappointment. This was the point when my unfortunate status as a Patriots fan began to dawn upon me. Because the way that I reacted to that game was something that I was very familiar with, but had only experienced as a reaction to Michigan sports (Michigan’s history of underachieving is pretty well documented. I mean our most legendary coach was 5-12 in bowl games. Wtf). Anyways, after that game I not only had to deal with the disappointment of watching Tom Brady (and the Pats) botch their chance to be historically great, but also had to deal with the fear that I might actually be a Patriots fan.

Looking back it makes sense. That one season had all the elements that could have galvanized my support: epic on field success, a scandal and lots of bad press/character assassination of the team as a whole, and a heartbreaking defeat. If those elements can’t rally you around your team, you may not have a pulse. Unfortunately, the fear that I actually cared about the Patriots was confirmed immediately upon the beginning of the next season when Brady went down with his knee injury. Brady was out for the season and yet, to my dismay, I continued to follow the Patriots and hope they did well. I couldn’t believe it.

Now, there are many reasons that I am upset about becoming a Patriots fan. One of the largest is the need to continually justify to myself how I became a supporter of a team after moving to its city from far away while it was going through an incredibly successful period of time. I mean, as someone who grew up worshipping Michigan sports and athletes, I know how I feel even about people who just cheer for Michigan sports after going to school there. Despite the fact that, really, it makes no sense for me to have distaste for people who go to Michigan and support its athletics upon their attendance, I still think that their fanhood is somehow different from mine because of thoughts along the lines of “I mean, they would have gotten just as in to the sports at any school they went to.” (They would perhaps say to me that they actually went to school at Mich and therefore have a much more true connection to the school and its athletics than I do. They’re probably right, actually, but I am ignoring that.) Having to think of myself as one of those type of fans for the Patriots, is definitely at least slightly troubling. The other is the unfortunate fact that, in almost all cases, adding another team to the list of the ones you care about generally also means adding more things in your life to be disappointed by. I mean, only one team can win every year. Just mathematically the odds aren’t good. Sure enough, the Pats missed the playoffs last year and seem to be underachieving this year. I am upset by both of those facts. And even more upset that I am upset about them. And whose fault is all of this? Who led me down this path? There is only one man to blame: Tom fucking Brady.

Slash of All Trades

Editors Note: As part of our groundbreaking 32 for 32 project, we have recruited some of this generation's most promising young journalists to offer their two cents on the QB's of past and present. Each of these mercenary storytellers will weave their unique points of view and styles into the Fegonomics tapestry, with the hope being that the project becomes more than the sum of its parts. (Ahhhh....who am I kidding, I've told everyone to a. Accuse every QB of being gay and b. worship the black quarterback's throbbing hard athleticism). Here is the first of these submissions:

Holy crap, is that Dennis Dixon?

Youtube search result: No videos found for “Kordell Stewart highlights.”

This statement fully defines his career. For what it's worth, Kordell Stewart will be remembered by most for his best Doug Flutie impersonation, but that is merely an outlier in the data of mediocrity. It certainly is one of the best plays my lifetime, even I can admit that, and I hate Colorado. But in Pittsburgh, "Slash" will be remembered for being an amazing athlete and depressingly mediocre at everything that mattered - being an NFL quarterback.

How mediocre, you ask? So mediocre that his accomplishments and stats are eerily similar to the Incomparable Michael Vick.

Stewart has 1 Pro Bowl to his name, and took the Steelers to two AFC Championship Games. Vick has 3 Pro bowls, and took the Falcons to the NFC Championship game once. Their career numbers are almost exactly the same. Let's break it down by the numbers (courtesy of Pro Football Reference):

Player X

• 71 TDs
  
• 53.7% Completion Percentage
• 75.8 QB Rating
• 22 Rushing TDs
• 0.567 Win Percentage as a Starter

Player Y

• 77 TDs
• 55.8% Completion Percentage
• 70.7 QB Rating
• 38 Rushing TDs
• 0.585 Win Percentage as a Starter

Player X is Vick. Player Y is Stewart. Kordell also has more passing yards and INTs, while Vick has more rushing yards, but Vick is simply so much more exciting. Stewart was boringly productive for someone so talented. Before the pooch fighting, Vick was hailed as one of the sports' greats. Kordell will be remembered as merely pedestrian. Not to say that Kordell didn't get his share of hype. But even better, he was featured on the cover of a magazine with Troy Aikman, Brett Favre, and John Elway. Henh??

Slash was supposed to be the most versatile athlete ever to play the quarterback position. His rookie year, the Steelers lost in the Super Bowl with Neil O'Donnell as their starter. Who? Anyway, that year Kordell took snaps at Quarterback, Running Back, Receiver, and even Punter. Too bad he spent most of his time in a revolving door quarterback system, otherwise he could have put up more mediocre stats. He ended his time in Pittsburgh being benched for a former Arena League and XFL quarterback. The year AFTER leading the Steelers to a 13-3 record and the AFC Championship game, and amid rumors that he also was "slash" gay. Too bad he didn't accept it and claim the success that comes with being the NFL's first gay quarterback.

Unfortunately for Kordell, having so many talents means you aren't likely to be very good at the one that matters. Without a true quarterback's talent, he just wasn't fit to be Pittsburgh's Heir to the quarterback Throne.

Bonus:

Let's Touch God

How many times do you say the word "God" during the course of a day? Five times? Ten? "Oh my God," or "Goddamnit you fucking son of a whore," or "God, I love Dwight Howard's deltoids?" or even the offspring offshoot "Jesus Christ, man! Was that a fart or do you have giardia?" Whether it's in praise or in vain, no one surpasses Jon Kitna in the daily prayer to the Notorious G.O.D.

Often times Kitna gets lumped with the athletically inept and inferior teams of the NFL. This comes about with good reason, seeing how he's played for two of the most putrid poopocolypse clubs in the past decade, the Cincinnati Bengals (only 1 season over .500 in the past 10 yrs), and the Detroit Lions (.277 winning % 00'-08').

Kitna's entrance into the league was relatively underwhelming. Coming out of Central Washington University, he dabbled in some Euroball before being signed by the Seahawks, backing up the Moon Man. His notoriety rose when Seattle won the AFC West Division at a mediocre 9-7, but his straight-laced, choir boy behavior truly came to light when he signed with the "Bungles" in 2001. By then, the Bengals had already traversed the trials and tribulations of David Klingler, Ki-Jana Carter (#1 pick in '95, tore ACL), and "Akili's Heel" Smith, all of which crashed and and burned faster than Tiger Woods' sponsor support. But alas, thy reverent savior Jon Kitna elevated the Bengals from insignificance to prominence with an halo-infused holy pass. Or did he....?

As Dream mentioned in his article, sports fans inherently divide their love between lauding the hero and loathing the villain. One variant of "hero" arises from the revival of a franchise from the pits of hell (think: Kurt Warner '99 Rams), while a form of "villain" can incarnate the exact opposite, that is, the dismantling of a team from greatness to garbage (think: Terrell Owens, every team he's been on). Jon Kitna certainly was meant to be the former. He brought a fiery competitiveness into the locker room and onto the field that was sorely missing from the Bengals offense. Matched with a young and talented Corey Dillon, a veteran WR in Darnay Scott, and the burgeoning duo of Chad Ochocinco and T.J Houshyamomma, and it appeared that the 2001 Bengals were sailing in the right direction. Moreover, Kitna carried the Passion of the Christ in his heart (or through his hands, if you will), and he wore the cap to prove it. Any typical JoBro follower or Mel Gibson cinephile will inform you that Jon Kitna is pious not only to the pigskin, but also to the Big Commish in the Sky.

Being a devout Christian, Jon Kitna was a good man by nature. He prayed before games. He prayed after games, too. He prayed with his teammates, his family, his friends, and hosted Monday night Bible studies. He even prayed sometimes walking to the line of scrimmage. He didn't curse, didn't drink, and always spoke with optimism and humbleness. Yet he never divided the locker room, much less spout religious allegories to those who were nonbelievers. And you would think with all this praying, all that "good guy stuff," that God would exert some of his ethereal assistance, a little wind gust to carry the ball farther, perhaps more nudges into the endzone. But the Bengals continued to stink, posting a 6-10 record in '01, a 2-14 record in '02, and a slightly improved 8-8 in '03. Must be Kitna's fault right? He wasn't all that bad really:

2001: 3216 yds, 12 TD, 22 INT, 53.9% CMP
2002: 3178 yds, 16 TD, 16 INT, 62.2% CMP
2003: 3591 yds, 26 TD, 15 INT, 62.3% CMP

He even managed to win Comeback Player of the Year in 2003! So with a competent running game, a "future hall of famer" WR, and decent improvement in QB numbers, Jon Kitna and his disciples still lacked the moxie necessary for success. What Would Jon Do?

Now I'm not one to offer a discourse on religion's place in sports, seeing how for me, "Moses" was a 76ers legend, "Jesus" a pure shooter in He Got Game, and "Joseph" a blue and white shuttle that taxis kids to the T stop. But let's examine a potential factor named the "God Element," an existential force that I made up that can alter the outcomes of games. Jon Kitna is not the only one to have the GE advantage. It is commonplace amongst the football community to find Christian players unashamed to demonstrate their fanaticism. Tony Dungy attributes his Superbowl win and work ethic to God. Predecessors such as Reggie White paved the way for the circle jerk before games. I mean circle prayer. Another known outspoken preacher who I mentioned before, Kurt Warner, rivals Kitna in his blending of football and faith. So what exactly separates the success stories from the blunderers? In other words, what are their God Element ratings?

Let's keep with the Warner/Kitna comparison. Statistically speaking, Warner was a monster out of the gate, but sucked balls for years until his resurrection in 2008. Kitna has been more consistent over his career. Both experienced the "zero to hero" sob story, Kitna formerly a raging alcoholic, womanizing frat boy before being reborn, and Warner a shitty grocery boy. Both constantly pray, perform community service, and are righteous to the core. Kitna leads a life where family comes before football, as does Warner. Then why did Warner win a Superbowl, while Kitna is still washing the shart stains from his underwear as QB2? The answer lies somewhere in their deviation from His path. Perhaps Jon got curious, swiping a few too many peeks at MILF Hunter (inadvertently raising the kitten death rate), or maybe he snagged a few too many Dick Lebeau bobbleheads. At any rate, something has lowered his GE below threshold, thereby lowering his rate of success. So Warner has a GE rating of 95, and Kitna like a 60. The debate rages on.

We all know the rest. With the arrival of Marvin Lewis, and the imminent turnaround of the Bengals, Kitna was unrightfully usurped by golden god Carson Palmer, and humbly receded into the shadows of mentorship, whereby he left for smokier pastures in Detroit. The more things change, the more they stay the same kind of thing kept occuring. Jon Kitna put up fantasy worthy, yet real life irrelevant numbers on the Lions, and partially participated in THE WORST SEASON OF ANY FOOTBALL TEAM OF ALL TIME (to be fair, he only lost 4 of those games). That leads us to where we are now. Jon Kitna, patiently waiting on the pine, watching Tony Romo complain about Jessica Simpson ballooned to Octomom proportions.

What matters at the end of the day is this: Jon Kitna is content with himself. He never became the villain. Never really fulfilled the hero status either. Infused with a steady mind and a caring nature, you might've hated the Bengals/Lions as a fan, but you never hated Jon Kitna. He is just a man, a simple man, who enjoys football, never ruffles any feathers, and wants the best for everyone. Would he enjoy Christopher Lloyd's help one in a while? Heck yeah. But whether he ends up winning a Superbowl or not will not consume him. He'll continue playing however long the game allows him, and love doing it regardless. He plays to the win the game, and plays to win at life. No smiting required.

Jeff Garcia: The Life and Times of the NFL's First Gay Quarterback

October 19th, 1980. A Sunday.

At Candlestick Park, second-year quarterback Joe Montana loses his home debut, but throws for 252 and two touches.  Over the next 12 seasons, the 49ers win 100 regular season games and lose only 38 (.725), capturing four Super Bowls in eight years.

April 24th, 1987. After two years of purgatory in Creamsicle Bay, Steve Young is traded to San Francisco for a pair of picks, neither of them first-rounders. Young serves under Montana for four seasons, but at age 30, Brigham's favorite son is handed the keys to the Caddy. From ages 30 to 38, Young wins at an even higher clip than Montana (.736), but only manages to win one Super Bowl.

October 3rd, 1999. Young, crippled by the seventh concussion of his NFL career, starts only 3 games, two of them victories. His replacement? An undrafted 29-year-old rookie out of San Jose State named Jeff Garcia.

But this is not where our story begins.

...

In 1970, Jeffrey Jason Garcia is born in Gilroy, a city of 50,000 in central California. At 14, Garcia tries out for the JV football team, and earns a spot on the bench beneath sophomore quarterback Dave "Quickie" Kelso.  Garcia sees limited action during the first four games of the season.

On the Friday of the fifth game, Garcia trots onto the practice field and begins tossing with Kelso. It's pre-game and there are no contact drills, so the players are dressed in helmets, t-shirts, and shorts. Minutes later, Garcia huddles up with the scout offense.  The huddle breaks and Garcia watches his blockers line up before him. Walking up, he runs the play over in his mind, and steps under his center, Willie "HeMan" Herrera.

HeMan was a sophomore who smelled like schwag and took the bus to school. Large, forgetful, forgettable--but not on this day. On this day, in what must have been a celebration of freedom and indulgence, Willie Herrera decided not to wear a cup.

It wasn't until Garcia made contact that either boy realized the magnitude of this decision. Herrera stiffened up immediately but stifled a cry. Garcia thought to withdraw his hand but instead let it linger. Settling under center, he pressed his hands into Herrera's crotch, went calmly through the cadence, and snapped the ball.

The play-action pass resulted in a 16 yard gain. HeMan Herrera returned quietly to the locker room to piss. Jeff Garcia became gay.

...

After his revelation, Garcia's football career took off. He became more and more invested in the sport, both as proof of his manhood and as an opportunity to towel down with his teammates, and this enthusiasm showed on the field. Garcia made the Varsity team as a sophomore, and during his two years as a starter, the Alpha Flyers won 17 games against only two losses. Shameful, chronic masturbatory sessions to a Chippendale's calendar taken from his cousin's bachelorette party had given Garcia a strong throwing arm, but his slight build kept recruitment light. He was forced to take classes at a local community college before landing a chance to QB the Spartans of San Jose State.

His play continued to improve, but did not attract much attention, as he went undrafted by the NFL. Unwilling to give up the sport, Garcia latched on with the Calgary Stampeders of the CFL, leading the team to five strong finishes after Doug Flutie left the team for Toronto. After winning the Grey Cup with Calgary in 1998, Garcia abandoned the junior circuit, accepting an offer from the San Francisco 49ers to backup Steve Young.

When Young went down, Garcia stepped in, sharing time with Steve Stenstrom as San Francisco finished below .500 for the first time in 16 years. The following year, Young retired and Garcia was named the starter, something childhood "best friend" Peter Bronson described as "breathtakingly beautiful."

In many ways, Garcia's five-year tenure with the 49ers was a modest and unlikely success, as San Francisco twice made the playoffs and staged a memorable comeback in a Wild Card game against the New York Giants. Yet Garcia failed to achieve the same success as either of his decorated predecessors. Garcia never led the league in any category despite being buttressed by two elite receiver (Jerry Rice and Terrell Owens) and a strong running back (Garrison Hearst).

Instead, Garcia's career in San Francisco is remembered for a different reason: the prevalence of rampant, vicious speculation about Garcia's sexual preferences. The media shitstorm was set ablaze by Owens shortly after he left the team when he said of Garcia in Playboy, "If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat." Off the record, Owens later added, "That dude tried to touch my penis!"

Rumors swirled out of the Niners locker room about Garcia's unusual... tendencies. Star defensive tackle Bryant Young remarked that Garcia frequently showered with swim trunks on and "still got [an erection] probably half the time." Ken Norton, a longtime 49er and standout linebacker, claimed that Garcia "asked repeatedly to see [Norton's] magnum condoms." Said Norton, "One 'no' ought to be enough."

Most telling of all, however, is that of the five centers who played with Garcia in San Francisco, none were willing to comment on his time there.

After leaving San Francisco in 2004, Garcia tried to put the city behind him, marrying Playboy Playmate Carmella DeCesare. Still, the Bay years were the best and most memorable of Garcia's career. "He blossomed like a rare and exotic flower," Bronson said. "He really felt at home in San Francisco. Playing in Detroit--not so friendly." And yet, lingering questions remain: 

How good would Garcia have been if he'd been given a chance in the NFL draft? 

Has he been unfairly judged in the shadows of Montana and Young? 

Would San Francisco have won the Super Bowl in 2001 if Garcia had been able to play without imagining T.O.'s thick, pulsing, Nubian member?

The NFL may never know.

...

HEIGHT: 6 ft 1 in

WEIGHT: 205 lbs

THROWS: RIGHT

SEX: HOMO

Jay Cutler: Keg Buyer

Welcome to Sig Ep 

One of my favorite aspects of being a freshmen in college is the ridiculous dialogue that accompanies the unfamiliarity during the first week of orientation. It's like speed dating for friendships; everyone is impressionable and within all the earnestness and openness the bounds of conventional conversation dissipate. During this Judgment Week, students are constantly engaging in half-baked hypotheticals about the efficacy of contraceptives and anal circumferences. You will find some good friends and relegate many others to the "avoid at all costs" list. My involvement in the Wilderness pre-orientation program at school provided me insider access to Judgment Week as an upper classmen. During my senior year this conversation took place between two freshmen who we'll call F1 and F2.

F1: If you were at a frat party and they found out you were a freshmen and demanded you leave what would you do?

F2: I'd ask the dude "How much?"

Fl: What do you mean how much?

F2: I'd pull out my wallet and ask him "how much to buy the keg."

While I found it disgustingly hilarious that this pompous twat thought this an acceptable solution, it also worried me. Could someone just insert himself above a pre-existing system and find no consequence in such an absurd proposition? Was he to think that he could claim a stake of social power simply by ponying up a few Benjamins? Was he really this much of a bitch? Later on that night I would receieve a text from a member of this blog that read "literally cockblocked for hours by F2." This freshmen DID think rules need not apply to him and threw his disillusioned self in the path of my friend's permaboner (not that he was getting any that night anyways.) Thus marked the advent of the Keg Buyer.

The weeks leading up to the start of the NFL season are a confluence of optimism, expectations, and for all those outside the cities of Detroit, Cleveland, and Oakland, hope. Local media personalities and analysts are breaking down the minutia of each player's off-season triumphs and conquests. As a fan the preseason period serves as the TV version of a movie trailer, providing glimpses of the best scenes to come and roping in many with shots of tantalizing potential. Much like college Judgment Week, people take chances with the team by investing their hope in the axiom "it's a new season."

In the spring and summer of 2009 the city of Chicago was abuzz with excitement. The Bears had recently acquired a 25 year old Midwestern gunslinger born in a town (Santa Claus, Indiana) oozing with enchantment. The hero, Jay Cutler, was coming off a pro bowl season during which he threw for 4,500 yards and narrowly missed the playoffs. He was destined to be the missing piece on a previously 9-7 team whose glaring weakness had been the void of explosiveness at the most important position in sports. Cutler was going to be complemented by a running back coming off a rookie campaign during which he amassed over 1,700 yards from scrimmage and 12 TDs and surrounded by young explosive receiving options. His ball-hawking defense would get him lots of possessions and provide security when the gunslinging got the best of him. He was positioned to be Chicago's Marcus Aurelius, but instead of the last of the good emperors, Cutler would be the first of the good QBs. Just when the empire was ready to accept its new leader, Jay Cutler decided to buy the keg.

Jay Cutler has always been mired in the controversy caused by his mouth. Coming out of Vanderbilt, the SEC school least likely to produce NFL talent, he looked more ΩΒ than QB with his muppet coifed hair and beer bloated face. After grading out well at the combine and being drafted in the first round by the Broncos he was quick to anoint himself the hardest throwing quarterback in Broncos history, sending Elway steakhouse sales skyward. What's even more baffling is that within a year this statement wouldn't seem so ludicrous. The bionic combination of Cutler's arm and Brandon Marshall's T.O. like skill set morphed the Broncs from a between the tackles faceless backfield attack to a mile high aerial assault. Include the additions of rookie phenom Eddie Royal (ha!) and young tackles Ryan Clady and Ryan Harris of True Life: I Want a Perfect Body infamy and the offense was solidified for the next decade. Throw in the foresight of the Knowshon Moreno pick and a pretty weak AFC west and realize it's not a stretch to wonder if this Bronco's offesne could have been transcendent. But Cutler had to get him that keg.

Sports is a sector of entertainment that is always going to produce three things: winners, losers, and heroes/scapegoats. Even before Jamie Foxx and Jeff Van Gundy, our memories were gluttons for tales of blaming athletes. Mario Chalmers will be enshrined by the Kansas basketball faithful for his game tying three in the 2008 championship, but Bill Buckner's blunder will always remain the framework for how New England fans view agonizing defeat. Sports nation may someday forget Chalmers, but Buckner has defined a certain type of losing. Losing is worse than winning is good. This is why Broncos fans were looking for someone to strangle when their franchise QB was dealt to the Chicago Bears just weeks before the 2009 NFL draft. At first all fingers pointed to the new coach Josh McDaniels. Lauded as an offensive prodigy in New England, McDaniels ruffled some feathers in the Broncos organization by publicly pursuing ex-Pat Matt Cassel when he had Jay fucking Cutler already. Broncos fans rallied behind Cutler, just as they had when he came out with the admission that he was living with type 1 diabetes. Incensed by this open market shopping, Cutler became reclusive and even after McDaniels and owner Pat Bowlen came back to Jay saying they had made mistakes and he was the guy, Cutler found no merit in these reconciliations. Bowlen countered with an Ali-sized left hook and shipped Cutler to the Windy City within hours of his pouting, acquiring a slew of draft picks and Kyle Orton in the deal. This trade forced Cutler into a two franchse paradox. For the Broncos he'd lend himself to the part of scapegoat, but for Chicago he and his big market arm would be cast as hero.

Before we get into the purchase and acquisition data behind Cutler's keg buying let's go back to Judgment Week and justify the Bears fan's decision to befriend Jay Cutler. Just like Sleazer did in the Stump the Schaub post, I looked at Cutler's similarity score from the end of 07 (only one available).

 The numbers suggest that Cutler was on a similar arc to almost every current great QB. Throw out David Carr and JP Losman and there isn't a dud to be found on that list.

In a side by side comparison of the 2008 Bears and Broncos offensive production, it's pretty evident that the addition of Cutler should have added another dimension to the Bears O. The Broncos passed for 85 more yards per game in only 5 extra attempts while scoring more passing TDs as well. To boot, the Broncos also rushed for 12 more yards a game and scored the same amount of rushing TDs as the Bears who are historically known for between the tackles smashmouth ball. The Bears actually won more games (9) than the Broncos (8) when faced with similar schedules. There was hope that Devin Hester's expanded role as a WR would continue to grow and that Greg Olsen would be rewarded as Cutler's go-to guy. Matt Forte was to use his rookie campaign as a jumping off point and possibly approach young LT mode with his great pass catching ability and new rifle-armed mate. On paper the 2009 Bears were better offensively because they essentially swapped out Kyle noodle arm Orton for Cannon Cutler. So why were Bears fans deceived?

Cutler betrayed two separate fan bases this year, the Bears and the fantasy owners of Matt Forte. What no one in Chicago had expected is that the offense would be revamped around the skill set of their new Prodigal Son. Even if this new offensive scheme was unplanned, it didn't matter because Cutler was captaining the attack. Ever since he was old enough to play, Jay Cutler had been told to throw, throw, throw the football. With every miracle heaving gunslinger comes an inherent risk of over confidence. It's the same thing that plagued Brett Favre and made him great. It is the difference in perception versus reality that can catapult risk takers into champions or bench warmers. Cutler believed that the Bears acquired him to win football games behind the virtuosity of his arm. He replaced the essence of the Bears offense, which had been run centric with the power and inconsistency of his almighty arm. His buying of the keg was this disenchantment with reality, that he was above the system of Chicago Bears football. It became a slippery slope, because as he threw more interceptions the Bears found themselves trailing by more and relying on the pass. I saw Cutler play on national TV a few times early in the season and saw the symptoms of an immature quarterback. He was locking onto guys, ignoring his tight ends, and completely outlawing the option of going to his check down. Chicago was cuckolded by his play because of his monster contract (5 years/50 million) and because he was the only option. They continued to trot Cutler out, enabling him to spray balls all over the field using his arm as his wallet asking everyone, "How much?"

If you're hesitant to believe the Bears have abandoned their style of the last 25 years then just look at this chart comparing the 08 and 09 version of the Bears.

Although passing yards and TDs per game have increased, highlighted in red is every stat they've seen decreased production from. The running game has become an afterthough and the interception percentage above 5% is even out of the Favreian range. This chaos has spilled over to team production, and the Bears just ain't winning. What's even more tragic is what the Cuckler effect has done to promising young Matt Forte.

 Forte's production has been decimated by Cuckler's reluctance to check down or hand the ball off. If not for one huge receiving game against the 49ers, Forte's numbers would be down across the board. If you played fantasy football this year you know that any friend who drafted Matt Forte was a friend not making the playoffs of your league (unless he lucked into Chris Johnson and Ray Rice). Forte's yards per carry look like fullback numbers. Watching him play is just plain depressing because he appears so imprisoned by fascist Cutler.

For me, Cutler's entire season is epitomized by one sequence during his week 11 game against the Eagles. I was leading Coach Coolbaugh by 1.9 points in our fantasy matchup with the Bears/Eagles game representing the final game for both of our squads. I had Greg Olsen and Matt Forte and Coolbaugh was starting the Eagles D. There was 1 minute left on the clock and the Bears were down 20-24. Cutler started the drive off completeing a few passes and marching the Bears over midfield creating a sliver of hope for all those in attendance. On the next play he evaded a sack and targeted a wide open Greg Olsen. As the pass came out it looked good from the front angle, but as it neared the tight end it was apparent that the ball was going to just sail out of the grasp of his outstretched arms. It was tipped and landed right in the lap of Eagles DB Sean Jones. Game over, fantasy matchup over. I lost by one tenth of a point. At that moment I stood up from my chair and for a second thought about walking down to the liquor store and purchasing a keg to drink my disappointment away. Then I realized it was Sunday, and in Massachusetts Sundays are reserved for only one man to do the keg buying, Jay Cutler.

Schaub Stumps the Texans

What a Beautiful Release Point

Powerful, Driven, Matt Schaub is... Unstoppable. Like his citizen eco-drive... wait a minute Texans QBs don't get commercials like that. When a quarterback lacks big market appeal or the expectations that come with first round draft status, it becomes hard to put your finger on exactly how effective that QB actually is. Big name QBs get national media attention, and so do lesser guys who start for big market teams like the Giants or Cowboys. When it comes down to it, how do you compare a QB like Matt Schaub to someone like Dallas' Tony Romo? Neither are high draft picks, but Romo gets the attention and scrutiny that a Cowboys player deserves. To compound the problem, the Texans as a franchise have never even had a winning season or played in a playoff game. Is Matt Schaub Good, Bad or an In-Between? The sleazer is taking off the kid gloves and getting into the grit of an important yet ignored player in today's NFL.

The trade that got Matt Schaub his chance was strange in that while the Falcons got first round value for Schaub they never physically got an extra first round pick. As it went down, the Falcons received two 2nd rounders (in '07 and '08) and traded up two slots from 10 to 8 in the 2007 draft. All in all, the value is somewhere around a mid first rounder for Schaub, but the Texans attempted to save some face by not actually giving up the first rounder in case Schaub flopped. I'm not gonna go into the ins and outs of what the picks turned into since that's more of a trade/franchise evaluation than anything.

Trading what is essentially a first round draft pick for a semi-experienced former backup clearly represents a strong display of faith in a quarterback. When you use a draft pick on a QB, you generally have the luxury of providing him some years of instruction in your system. On the other hand, when you trade for a 25 year old QB with 150 in game attempts and two games started you have to be hoping for an out of the box product who will grow along with your team. Schaub's situation was hardly common in the NFL, especially considering he was probably the better passer on his former team. Then again, Mike Vick is anything but common.

Taking a look at Schaub's similarity score, a relative comparison to other qbs, at age 26:

(courtesy of profootballreference.com)

we can see that Schaub had potential that ranged from horrible (Tim Rattay, David Carr, Josh McCown) to average (Aikman, Brunell, Hasselbeck) to sublime (Joe Montana). These across the board scores are another indication of the risk/reward factor involved in the trade.

Not that there weren't flashes of talent from Schaub. In his 2005 game against the Patriots, Schaub was 18-34 for 298 yards, 3 TDs and no INTs. He hit on a number of deep balls against what was still a good NE defense, and he showed the ability to run the offense and avoid negative plays.

After the completely undeserved amount of faith placed in David Carr, the Houston Texans were desparate for a serviceable qb. In the end, what they got in the first two years from Schaub was inconsistency and injury. Schaub started 11 games each year in his first two years as full-time starter. When he played, his numbers were efficient if unspectacular. He clearly outclassed Carr in that he didn't take 5 sacks per game, but with playmakers on the offensive side like Andre Johnson (undoubtedly the most complete WR in the NFL), Owen Daniels and eventually Steve Slaton the Texans appeared to be an explosive offense on paper heading into 2009. Schaub had improved from '06 to '07 and '07 to '08 and another jump in production would be expected as the overall team talent improved.

The Texans also managed to bolster what was once an attrocious defense by spending high pick after high pick on front seven players like Amobi Okoye, Demeco Ryans, Mario Williams and most recently Brian Cushing. And it worked! So why hasn't this Texans team blossomed as most assumed it would this year?

It's not quite as simple as Matt Schaub case closed. The run game has struggled more than expected, but even as Schaub improved his numbers (he led the league in TD passes by week 10,) it was his untimely interceptions and inability to get the offense started early that led to a horrible 4 game losing streak by the Texans. All of the games were losses by 7 or less, and in each of them they either struggle in the 1st or 4th quarter. In fairness, the losses are to good teams. But also in fairness, you aren't a good QB if you score big against teams like Seattle and Buffalo. What you are is a good fantasy QB.

After a really mediocre performance yesterday against an equally mediocre St. Louis defense, Schaub continues to show us more of the same: he can hit Andre Johnson since he is almost always open, and his good stats (completion percentage, TD:INT ratio) hide the fact that he fails to convert important first downs and score touchdowns in the red zone.

At this point in the Texans' potential playoff arc, they are just entering their Superbowl window. The defense is young and flies all over the field. The receivers and offensive weapons are in place and in their primes. If Stump the Schaub is the hero Houston deserves, he needs to start showing it in these next two games; otherwise, it might be time for Houston to start exploring other QB options.

With the 2010 season potentially uncapped things could get crazy in a hurry, but to his credit Schaub has really only three full years as starter under his belt. I don't think it's unreasonable for the Texans to stick with Schaub and hope he continues to improve. For the Texans, even playing in a playoff game would be a huge step forward, but so long as you have the talent on the roster why not gamble with a QB change if it can put you over the top?

Nevertheless, I would prefer they don't roll the dice with the options currently on their roster, or options they have already explored for that matter:




I think when all is said and done, Schaub's best years will have overlapped while the team's overall talent was at its pinnacle. It's a good situation for Houston, but in the end Schaub might be cast as the goat who held a talented team back.

Y'all Ready For This

In a truly Innovative? (nope) Creative? (nah) Inspired? (sure) move, Our very own "It was all a Dream" made a move which is sure to put Fegonomics on the map.

An homage to ESPN's 30 for 30, Fegonomics presents 32 for 32: 32 quarterbacks for the 32 current NFL teams.

In order to celebrate the approximate 1 year anniversary of Fegonomics, the contributors together with some talented guest writers will attempt the most ambitious project ever to grace the server space of Fegonomics in a series of articles, exposes and passages of verbal diarrhea.

To determine the 32 quarterbacks, a draft was held. Why? Because if you can draft, draft.
The results can be found here and it will suffice to say that there were both great and poopy quarterbacks, but more importantly there's a story behind each one. The first story will drop 12/21/09 with the tentative title: Schaub Stumps the Texans What? you don't think Matt Schaub is an appropriate lead-in to such a monumental series of posts? Suck it Trebek.

The Many Fachays of Brad Childress

So I'm supposed to write about how Favre is definitely the MVP because he only has three picks. Meh. Or how the Pats getting embarassed on MNF is a bigger deal than people are making it out to be (which it is). Or maybe I'm suppoed to make my case for going for 16-0 and risking injury as opposed to playing it safe. Whatever. Brad Childress has a funny face, and it's all I can think about.

Prologue:

Brad Childress' inauspicious start as head coach of the Minnesota Vikings was overshadowed by the recent ownership changeover to....

Zygi Played Guitar!!!!!!

So Zygi comes in and naturally decides that some change is in order. Now, it can be dangerous to come in and mess with the natural order of a team, but I suppose when your current head coach is...
Mike Tice

then there are definitely some grounds for termination. Mike Tice presents the perfect case study for the hiring of an upbeat interim coach when a long term coach gets fired or resigns. It just isn't worth the risk and associated ridiculousness. Now, this is a fachays of Brad Childress post, so I'm going to get to the meat in a moment, but hold onto your dicks and bear with me as I remind you of a couple of things about Mike Tice:

1) He once tore his ACL. As a coach. Watching Mike Tice attempting to coach his final year on crutches was both hilarious and a perfect visual representation of his coaching ability. I believe this also happened to former Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis (Perhaps the Mike Tice of the college game). My suggestion to the both of them: lose some weight! I understand it's a copycat league, but obesity is not a prerequisite for NFL head coaches despite the current trend of New England Coordinators. Mike Tomlin and Jon Gruden have won superbowls in visually acceptable weight classes, and on the plus side you might actually be able to dodge a 230 pound NFL player barreling towards your knee. In fairness, he did tough it out:

"You can't keep me off the sideline. MCL, PCL, ACL, cartilage, I don't really care."

2) He was caught in an NFL ticket scalping ring and fined $100,000 for his involvement which was the largest fine for a coach at the time and 10% of his salary. Tice was selling his personal tickets to scalpers. You are the head coach!!! Why are you taking time out of your day to even think "hey, maybe I should sell my extra tickets" let alone get involved with a serious weekly scalper. People came to his defense by stating that he was the lowest paid coach in the NFL. Of course he is! You get what you pay for.

3) This all happened in the same freaking year that the "Love Boat" scandal happened. Most guys that aren't X's and O's guys are good player coaches. Not Mike Tice. Gotta love Smoot Smack working that double-headed dildo as Tice looks on.

Tice also managed to take a team with Culpepper, Moss and the Whizzinator and be incredibly mediocre. After all these events in one season, anyone who forms complete sentences will look like an NFL savior coach.


Act I:

Enter, Brad Childress. As a part of the highly esteemed Andy Reid coaching tree, Childress has all the credentials to be a great NFL coach that is also a pedophile. While serving under Reid with the Eagles, he held the important position of stunting the development of Donovan McNabb as the Philly QB coach for four years (1999-2002), followed by a nice run as Offensive coordinator from '03-05. Oh wait, they went 6-10 in 2005.

Epic Side Boob.

Act II: The Chester Fried Year(s)

As a rookie head coach in 2006, B-Rad knew he wouldn't be able to run the fly eagles fly offense to which he was accustomed so long as Brad Johnson was at the helm. So he decided to bring in a free agent runner to complement his Mike Tice coached O-line. In all seriousness, Tice did a great job coaching up that O-line. Tice is the perfect example of why you don't promote an assistant to head coach just because they are good at their job.

Astutely sensing a lack of talent, Childress decided he would sculpt his QB of the Future using his excellent QB coaching skillz while he feasted on Chicken Taylor in the short term.

Brad Childress: putting the "molester" back in Chester the Molester

ACT III: Christmas comes early, and with a joystick!

And that joystick was Adrian Peterson who employed his video game physics in a great rookie campaign.
For Childress, it meant a year of hiking up his shorts and coaching the fuck out of this young team with talent and inexperience in the backfield.

Thems some high fastening pants. And for a dude with a mean molester 'stache, he doesn't have much leg hair does he?

The team improved somewhat behind the gruesome twosome of Chester Fried Chicken (A sneaky 1100 scrimmage yards and 7 TDs) and Adrian Peterson.

ACT IV: TARVARIS JACKSON IS 8-6 AS A STARTER (2008)




Yes Brad, we hear you. We just don't think you hear yourself.

Regardless of whether or not Childress really had such misguided hope for Jackson, there was absolutely nothing to be gained by proclaiming it to the world. Maybe Childress thought if he believed hard enough he could make it true. Something along the lines of never never land. Stop reading fairy tales to 6 year old boys and start coaching instead of praying.


Act V: The Wooing of the Favre

"Hey Brett, wanna take a long drive in the middle of nowhere with me? I just finished prepping my neardhead" "Well Brad, to be completely honest, I feel completely comfortable with that"


Childress just loves to set up both his sexual and business advances with a soothing drive in his black SUV.

We all know the Favre story, but the underrated storyline is how this saved the job of Brad Childress. He was given a long leash and a lot of leeway following the Tice era, but the luster of AP was wearing off and people began questioning how a team with Jared Allen and AP wasn't making a splash in the playoffs. With Favre now on Childress' side, he is untouchable. He somehow convinced a guy to play for his team even though it was his longtime rival. And the Vikings are great to boot. Despite his utter idiocy Childress will ultimately get a Tom Coughlin-esque get out of jail free card for the next 2-3 years. And he knows it, which is the worst part.


Which brings us to....

Final Act: The Lunatic Years

You could tell he was on the precipice when we started seeing glimpses of this hat in the preseason and training camp:


that, coupled with the losing battle of his hair against his beard further engendered a growing concern for Brad Childress' mental health.

And then there was the bombshell:

Not sure that it's him????

I'd recognize that 'stache anywhere.

The pics were originally distributed by snake cock Shiancoe following week 10 and show Chldress portraying a long time fantasy of his: A Male Flight attendant cross-dresser seduces an airplane full of gay football players with a storyline involving excessive bukkake pearl necklaces.


Yes ladies and gentlemen (ok just gentlemen since I'm pretty sure no labia have graced the pages of Fegonomics with the exception of Makhtar's flick grip) Childress has officially gone off the deep end. All that media attention has really gotten to him, and the pressure of all those secrets (read: little boys) just caused him to crack.


G'night and Snell you later.