The Many Fachays of Brad Childress

So I'm supposed to write about how Favre is definitely the MVP because he only has three picks. Meh. Or how the Pats getting embarassed on MNF is a bigger deal than people are making it out to be (which it is). Or maybe I'm suppoed to make my case for going for 16-0 and risking injury as opposed to playing it safe. Whatever. Brad Childress has a funny face, and it's all I can think about.

Prologue:

Brad Childress' inauspicious start as head coach of the Minnesota Vikings was overshadowed by the recent ownership changeover to....

Zygi Played Guitar!!!!!!

So Zygi comes in and naturally decides that some change is in order. Now, it can be dangerous to come in and mess with the natural order of a team, but I suppose when your current head coach is...
Mike Tice

then there are definitely some grounds for termination. Mike Tice presents the perfect case study for the hiring of an upbeat interim coach when a long term coach gets fired or resigns. It just isn't worth the risk and associated ridiculousness. Now, this is a fachays of Brad Childress post, so I'm going to get to the meat in a moment, but hold onto your dicks and bear with me as I remind you of a couple of things about Mike Tice:

1) He once tore his ACL. As a coach. Watching Mike Tice attempting to coach his final year on crutches was both hilarious and a perfect visual representation of his coaching ability. I believe this also happened to former Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis (Perhaps the Mike Tice of the college game). My suggestion to the both of them: lose some weight! I understand it's a copycat league, but obesity is not a prerequisite for NFL head coaches despite the current trend of New England Coordinators. Mike Tomlin and Jon Gruden have won superbowls in visually acceptable weight classes, and on the plus side you might actually be able to dodge a 230 pound NFL player barreling towards your knee. In fairness, he did tough it out:

"You can't keep me off the sideline. MCL, PCL, ACL, cartilage, I don't really care."

2) He was caught in an NFL ticket scalping ring and fined $100,000 for his involvement which was the largest fine for a coach at the time and 10% of his salary. Tice was selling his personal tickets to scalpers. You are the head coach!!! Why are you taking time out of your day to even think "hey, maybe I should sell my extra tickets" let alone get involved with a serious weekly scalper. People came to his defense by stating that he was the lowest paid coach in the NFL. Of course he is! You get what you pay for.

3) This all happened in the same freaking year that the "Love Boat" scandal happened. Most guys that aren't X's and O's guys are good player coaches. Not Mike Tice. Gotta love Smoot Smack working that double-headed dildo as Tice looks on.

Tice also managed to take a team with Culpepper, Moss and the Whizzinator and be incredibly mediocre. After all these events in one season, anyone who forms complete sentences will look like an NFL savior coach.


Act I:

Enter, Brad Childress. As a part of the highly esteemed Andy Reid coaching tree, Childress has all the credentials to be a great NFL coach that is also a pedophile. While serving under Reid with the Eagles, he held the important position of stunting the development of Donovan McNabb as the Philly QB coach for four years (1999-2002), followed by a nice run as Offensive coordinator from '03-05. Oh wait, they went 6-10 in 2005.

Epic Side Boob.

Act II: The Chester Fried Year(s)

As a rookie head coach in 2006, B-Rad knew he wouldn't be able to run the fly eagles fly offense to which he was accustomed so long as Brad Johnson was at the helm. So he decided to bring in a free agent runner to complement his Mike Tice coached O-line. In all seriousness, Tice did a great job coaching up that O-line. Tice is the perfect example of why you don't promote an assistant to head coach just because they are good at their job.

Astutely sensing a lack of talent, Childress decided he would sculpt his QB of the Future using his excellent QB coaching skillz while he feasted on Chicken Taylor in the short term.

Brad Childress: putting the "molester" back in Chester the Molester

ACT III: Christmas comes early, and with a joystick!

And that joystick was Adrian Peterson who employed his video game physics in a great rookie campaign.
For Childress, it meant a year of hiking up his shorts and coaching the fuck out of this young team with talent and inexperience in the backfield.

Thems some high fastening pants. And for a dude with a mean molester 'stache, he doesn't have much leg hair does he?

The team improved somewhat behind the gruesome twosome of Chester Fried Chicken (A sneaky 1100 scrimmage yards and 7 TDs) and Adrian Peterson.

ACT IV: TARVARIS JACKSON IS 8-6 AS A STARTER (2008)




Yes Brad, we hear you. We just don't think you hear yourself.

Regardless of whether or not Childress really had such misguided hope for Jackson, there was absolutely nothing to be gained by proclaiming it to the world. Maybe Childress thought if he believed hard enough he could make it true. Something along the lines of never never land. Stop reading fairy tales to 6 year old boys and start coaching instead of praying.


Act V: The Wooing of the Favre

"Hey Brett, wanna take a long drive in the middle of nowhere with me? I just finished prepping my neardhead" "Well Brad, to be completely honest, I feel completely comfortable with that"


Childress just loves to set up both his sexual and business advances with a soothing drive in his black SUV.

We all know the Favre story, but the underrated storyline is how this saved the job of Brad Childress. He was given a long leash and a lot of leeway following the Tice era, but the luster of AP was wearing off and people began questioning how a team with Jared Allen and AP wasn't making a splash in the playoffs. With Favre now on Childress' side, he is untouchable. He somehow convinced a guy to play for his team even though it was his longtime rival. And the Vikings are great to boot. Despite his utter idiocy Childress will ultimately get a Tom Coughlin-esque get out of jail free card for the next 2-3 years. And he knows it, which is the worst part.


Which brings us to....

Final Act: The Lunatic Years

You could tell he was on the precipice when we started seeing glimpses of this hat in the preseason and training camp:


that, coupled with the losing battle of his hair against his beard further engendered a growing concern for Brad Childress' mental health.

And then there was the bombshell:

Not sure that it's him????

I'd recognize that 'stache anywhere.

The pics were originally distributed by snake cock Shiancoe following week 10 and show Chldress portraying a long time fantasy of his: A Male Flight attendant cross-dresser seduces an airplane full of gay football players with a storyline involving excessive bukkake pearl necklaces.


Yes ladies and gentlemen (ok just gentlemen since I'm pretty sure no labia have graced the pages of Fegonomics with the exception of Makhtar's flick grip) Childress has officially gone off the deep end. All that media attention has really gotten to him, and the pressure of all those secrets (read: little boys) just caused him to crack.


G'night and Snell you later.