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One of my favorite aspects of being a freshmen in college is the ridiculous dialogue that accompanies the unfamiliarity during the first week of orientation. It's like speed dating for friendships; everyone is impressionable and within all the earnestness and openness the bounds of conventional conversation dissipate. During this Judgment Week, students are constantly engaging in half-baked hypotheticals about the efficacy of contraceptives and anal circumferences. You will find some good friends and relegate many others to the "avoid at all costs" list. My involvement in the Wilderness pre-orientation program at school provided me insider access to Judgment Week as an upper classmen. During my senior year this conversation took place between two freshmen who we'll call F1 and F2.
F1: If you were at a frat party and they found out you were a freshmen and demanded you leave what would you do?
F2: I'd ask the dude "How much?"
Fl: What do you mean how much?
F2: I'd pull out my wallet and ask him "how much to buy the keg."
While I found it disgustingly hilarious that this pompous twat thought this an acceptable solution, it also worried me. Could someone just insert himself above a pre-existing system and find no consequence in such an absurd proposition? Was he to think that he could claim a stake of social power simply by ponying up a few Benjamins? Was he really this much of a bitch? Later on that night I would receieve a text from a member of this blog that read "literally cockblocked for hours by F2." This freshmen DID think rules need not apply to him and threw his disillusioned self in the path of my friend's permaboner (not that he was getting any that night anyways.) Thus marked the advent of the Keg Buyer.
The weeks leading up to the start of the NFL season are a confluence of optimism, expectations, and for all those outside the cities of Detroit, Cleveland, and Oakland, hope. Local media personalities and analysts are breaking down the minutia of each player's off-season triumphs and conquests. As a fan the preseason period serves as the TV version of a movie trailer, providing glimpses of the best scenes to come and roping in many with shots of tantalizing potential. Much like college Judgment Week, people take chances with the team by investing their hope in the axiom "it's a new season."
In the spring and summer of 2009 the city of Chicago was abuzz with excitement. The Bears had recently acquired a 25 year old Midwestern gunslinger born in a town (Santa Claus, Indiana) oozing with enchantment. The hero, Jay Cutler, was coming off a pro bowl season during which he threw for 4,500 yards and narrowly missed the playoffs. He was destined to be the missing piece on a previously 9-7 team whose glaring weakness had been the void of explosiveness at the most important position in sports. Cutler was going to be complemented by a running back coming off a rookie campaign during which he amassed over 1,700 yards from scrimmage and 12 TDs and surrounded by young explosive receiving options. His ball-hawking defense would get him lots of possessions and provide security when the gunslinging got the best of him. He was positioned to be Chicago's Marcus Aurelius, but instead of the last of the good emperors, Cutler would be the first of the good QBs. Just when the empire was ready to accept its new leader, Jay Cutler decided to buy the keg.
Jay Cutler has always been mired in the controversy caused by his mouth. Coming out of Vanderbilt, the SEC school least likely to produce NFL talent, he looked more ΩΒ than QB with his muppet coifed hair and beer bloated face. After grading out well at the combine and being drafted in the first round by the Broncos he was quick to anoint himself the hardest throwing quarterback in Broncos history, sending Elway steakhouse sales skyward. What's even more baffling is that within a year this statement wouldn't seem so ludicrous. The bionic combination of Cutler's arm and Brandon Marshall's T.O. like skill set morphed the Broncs from a between the tackles faceless backfield attack to a mile high aerial assault. Include the additions of rookie phenom Eddie Royal (ha!) and young tackles Ryan Clady and Ryan Harris of True Life: I Want a Perfect Body infamy and the offense was solidified for the next decade. Throw in the foresight of the Knowshon Moreno pick and a pretty weak AFC west and realize it's not a stretch to wonder if this Bronco's offesne could have been transcendent. But Cutler had to get him that keg.
Sports is a sector of entertainment that is always going to produce three things: winners, losers, and heroes/scapegoats. Even before Jamie Foxx and Jeff Van Gundy, our memories were gluttons for tales of blaming athletes. Mario Chalmers will be enshrined by the Kansas basketball faithful for his game tying three in the 2008 championship, but Bill Buckner's blunder will always remain the framework for how New England fans view agonizing defeat. Sports nation may someday forget Chalmers, but Buckner has defined a certain type of losing. Losing is worse than winning is good. This is why Broncos fans were looking for someone to strangle when their franchise QB was dealt to the Chicago Bears just weeks before the 2009 NFL draft. At first all fingers pointed to the new coach Josh McDaniels. Lauded as an offensive prodigy in New England, McDaniels ruffled some feathers in the Broncos organization by publicly pursuing ex-Pat Matt Cassel when he had Jay fucking Cutler already. Broncos fans rallied behind Cutler, just as they had when he came out with the admission that he was living with type 1 diabetes. Incensed by this open market shopping, Cutler became reclusive and even after McDaniels and owner Pat Bowlen came back to Jay saying they had made mistakes and he was the guy, Cutler found no merit in these reconciliations. Bowlen countered with an Ali-sized left hook and shipped Cutler to the Windy City within hours of his pouting, acquiring a slew of draft picks and Kyle Orton in the deal. This trade forced Cutler into a two franchse paradox. For the Broncos he'd lend himself to the part of scapegoat, but for Chicago he and his big market arm would be cast as hero.
Before we get into the purchase and acquisition data behind Cutler's keg buying let's go back to Judgment Week and justify the Bears fan's decision to befriend Jay Cutler. Just like Sleazer did in the Stump the Schaub post, I looked at Cutler's similarity score from the end of 07 (only one available).
The numbers suggest that Cutler was on a similar arc to almost every current great QB. Throw out David Carr and JP Losman and there isn't a dud to be found on that list.
In a side by side comparison of the 2008 Bears and Broncos offensive production, it's pretty evident that the addition of Cutler should have added another dimension to the Bears O. The Broncos passed for 85 more yards per game in only 5 extra attempts while scoring more passing TDs as well. To boot, the Broncos also rushed for 12 more yards a game and scored the same amount of rushing TDs as the Bears who are historically known for between the tackles smashmouth ball. The Bears actually won more games (9) than the Broncos (8) when faced with similar schedules. There was hope that Devin Hester's expanded role as a WR would continue to grow and that Greg Olsen would be rewarded as Cutler's go-to guy. Matt Forte was to use his rookie campaign as a jumping off point and possibly approach young LT mode with his great pass catching ability and new rifle-armed mate. On paper the 2009 Bears were better offensively because they essentially swapped out Kyle noodle arm Orton for Cannon Cutler. So why were Bears fans deceived?
Cutler betrayed two separate fan bases this year, the Bears and the fantasy owners of Matt Forte. What no one in Chicago had expected is that the offense would be revamped around the skill set of their new Prodigal Son. Even if this new offensive scheme was unplanned, it didn't matter because Cutler was captaining the attack. Ever since he was old enough to play, Jay Cutler had been told to throw, throw, throw the football. With every miracle heaving gunslinger comes an inherent risk of over confidence. It's the same thing that plagued Brett Favre and made him great. It is the difference in perception versus reality that can catapult risk takers into champions or bench warmers. Cutler believed that the Bears acquired him to win football games behind the virtuosity of his arm. He replaced the essence of the Bears offense, which had been run centric with the power and inconsistency of his almighty arm. His buying of the keg was this disenchantment with reality, that he was above the system of Chicago Bears football. It became a slippery slope, because as he threw more interceptions the Bears found themselves trailing by more and relying on the pass. I saw Cutler play on national TV a few times early in the season and saw the symptoms of an immature quarterback. He was locking onto guys, ignoring his tight ends, and completely outlawing the option of going to his check down. Chicago was cuckolded by his play because of his monster contract (5 years/50 million) and because he was the only option. They continued to trot Cutler out, enabling him to spray balls all over the field using his arm as his wallet asking everyone, "How much?"
If you're hesitant to believe the Bears have abandoned their style of the last 25 years then just look at this chart comparing the 08 and 09 version of the Bears.
Although passing yards and TDs per game have increased, highlighted in red is every stat they've seen decreased production from. The running game has become an afterthough and the interception percentage above 5% is even out of the Favreian range. This chaos has spilled over to team production, and the Bears just ain't winning. What's even more tragic is what the Cuckler effect has done to promising young Matt Forte.
Forte's production has been decimated by Cuckler's reluctance to check down or hand the ball off. If not for one huge receiving game against the 49ers, Forte's numbers would be down across the board. If you played fantasy football this year you know that any friend who drafted Matt Forte was a friend not making the playoffs of your league (unless he lucked into Chris Johnson and Ray Rice). Forte's yards per carry look like fullback numbers. Watching him play is just plain depressing because he appears so imprisoned by fascist Cutler.
For me, Cutler's entire season is epitomized by one sequence during his week 11 game against the Eagles. I was leading Coach Coolbaugh by 1.9 points in our fantasy matchup with the Bears/Eagles game representing the final game for both of our squads. I had Greg Olsen and Matt Forte and Coolbaugh was starting the Eagles D. There was 1 minute left on the clock and the Bears were down 20-24. Cutler started the drive off completeing a few passes and marching the Bears over midfield creating a sliver of hope for all those in attendance. On the next play he evaded a sack and targeted a wide open Greg Olsen. As the pass came out it looked good from the front angle, but as it neared the tight end it was apparent that the ball was going to just sail out of the grasp of his outstretched arms. It was tipped and landed right in the lap of Eagles DB Sean Jones. Game over, fantasy matchup over. I lost by one tenth of a point. At that moment I stood up from my chair and for a second thought about walking down to the liquor store and purchasing a keg to drink my disappointment away. Then I realized it was Sunday, and in Massachusetts Sundays are reserved for only one man to do the keg buying, Jay Cutler.
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