Let's Touch God

How many times do you say the word "God" during the course of a day? Five times? Ten? "Oh my God," or "Goddamnit you fucking son of a whore," or "God, I love Dwight Howard's deltoids?" or even the offspring offshoot "Jesus Christ, man! Was that a fart or do you have giardia?" Whether it's in praise or in vain, no one surpasses Jon Kitna in the daily prayer to the Notorious G.O.D.

Often times Kitna gets lumped with the athletically inept and inferior teams of the NFL. This comes about with good reason, seeing how he's played for two of the most putrid poopocolypse clubs in the past decade, the Cincinnati Bengals (only 1 season over .500 in the past 10 yrs), and the Detroit Lions (.277 winning % 00'-08').

Kitna's entrance into the league was relatively underwhelming. Coming out of Central Washington University, he dabbled in some Euroball before being signed by the Seahawks, backing up the Moon Man. His notoriety rose when Seattle won the AFC West Division at a mediocre 9-7, but his straight-laced, choir boy behavior truly came to light when he signed with the "Bungles" in 2001. By then, the Bengals had already traversed the trials and tribulations of David Klingler, Ki-Jana Carter (#1 pick in '95, tore ACL), and "Akili's Heel" Smith, all of which crashed and and burned faster than Tiger Woods' sponsor support. But alas, thy reverent savior Jon Kitna elevated the Bengals from insignificance to prominence with an halo-infused holy pass. Or did he....?

As Dream mentioned in his article, sports fans inherently divide their love between lauding the hero and loathing the villain. One variant of "hero" arises from the revival of a franchise from the pits of hell (think: Kurt Warner '99 Rams), while a form of "villain" can incarnate the exact opposite, that is, the dismantling of a team from greatness to garbage (think: Terrell Owens, every team he's been on). Jon Kitna certainly was meant to be the former. He brought a fiery competitiveness into the locker room and onto the field that was sorely missing from the Bengals offense. Matched with a young and talented Corey Dillon, a veteran WR in Darnay Scott, and the burgeoning duo of Chad Ochocinco and T.J Houshyamomma, and it appeared that the 2001 Bengals were sailing in the right direction. Moreover, Kitna carried the Passion of the Christ in his heart (or through his hands, if you will), and he wore the cap to prove it. Any typical JoBro follower or Mel Gibson cinephile will inform you that Jon Kitna is pious not only to the pigskin, but also to the Big Commish in the Sky.

Being a devout Christian, Jon Kitna was a good man by nature. He prayed before games. He prayed after games, too. He prayed with his teammates, his family, his friends, and hosted Monday night Bible studies. He even prayed sometimes walking to the line of scrimmage. He didn't curse, didn't drink, and always spoke with optimism and humbleness. Yet he never divided the locker room, much less spout religious allegories to those who were nonbelievers. And you would think with all this praying, all that "good guy stuff," that God would exert some of his ethereal assistance, a little wind gust to carry the ball farther, perhaps more nudges into the endzone. But the Bengals continued to stink, posting a 6-10 record in '01, a 2-14 record in '02, and a slightly improved 8-8 in '03. Must be Kitna's fault right? He wasn't all that bad really:

2001: 3216 yds, 12 TD, 22 INT, 53.9% CMP
2002: 3178 yds, 16 TD, 16 INT, 62.2% CMP
2003: 3591 yds, 26 TD, 15 INT, 62.3% CMP

He even managed to win Comeback Player of the Year in 2003! So with a competent running game, a "future hall of famer" WR, and decent improvement in QB numbers, Jon Kitna and his disciples still lacked the moxie necessary for success. What Would Jon Do?

Now I'm not one to offer a discourse on religion's place in sports, seeing how for me, "Moses" was a 76ers legend, "Jesus" a pure shooter in He Got Game, and "Joseph" a blue and white shuttle that taxis kids to the T stop. But let's examine a potential factor named the "God Element," an existential force that I made up that can alter the outcomes of games. Jon Kitna is not the only one to have the GE advantage. It is commonplace amongst the football community to find Christian players unashamed to demonstrate their fanaticism. Tony Dungy attributes his Superbowl win and work ethic to God. Predecessors such as Reggie White paved the way for the circle jerk before games. I mean circle prayer. Another known outspoken preacher who I mentioned before, Kurt Warner, rivals Kitna in his blending of football and faith. So what exactly separates the success stories from the blunderers? In other words, what are their God Element ratings?

Let's keep with the Warner/Kitna comparison. Statistically speaking, Warner was a monster out of the gate, but sucked balls for years until his resurrection in 2008. Kitna has been more consistent over his career. Both experienced the "zero to hero" sob story, Kitna formerly a raging alcoholic, womanizing frat boy before being reborn, and Warner a shitty grocery boy. Both constantly pray, perform community service, and are righteous to the core. Kitna leads a life where family comes before football, as does Warner. Then why did Warner win a Superbowl, while Kitna is still washing the shart stains from his underwear as QB2? The answer lies somewhere in their deviation from His path. Perhaps Jon got curious, swiping a few too many peeks at MILF Hunter (inadvertently raising the kitten death rate), or maybe he snagged a few too many Dick Lebeau bobbleheads. At any rate, something has lowered his GE below threshold, thereby lowering his rate of success. So Warner has a GE rating of 95, and Kitna like a 60. The debate rages on.

We all know the rest. With the arrival of Marvin Lewis, and the imminent turnaround of the Bengals, Kitna was unrightfully usurped by golden god Carson Palmer, and humbly receded into the shadows of mentorship, whereby he left for smokier pastures in Detroit. The more things change, the more they stay the same kind of thing kept occuring. Jon Kitna put up fantasy worthy, yet real life irrelevant numbers on the Lions, and partially participated in THE WORST SEASON OF ANY FOOTBALL TEAM OF ALL TIME (to be fair, he only lost 4 of those games). That leads us to where we are now. Jon Kitna, patiently waiting on the pine, watching Tony Romo complain about Jessica Simpson ballooned to Octomom proportions.

What matters at the end of the day is this: Jon Kitna is content with himself. He never became the villain. Never really fulfilled the hero status either. Infused with a steady mind and a caring nature, you might've hated the Bengals/Lions as a fan, but you never hated Jon Kitna. He is just a man, a simple man, who enjoys football, never ruffles any feathers, and wants the best for everyone. Would he enjoy Christopher Lloyd's help one in a while? Heck yeah. But whether he ends up winning a Superbowl or not will not consume him. He'll continue playing however long the game allows him, and love doing it regardless. He plays to the win the game, and plays to win at life. No smiting required.