Jeff Garcia: The Life and Times of the NFL's First Gay Quarterback

October 19th, 1980. A Sunday.

At Candlestick Park, second-year quarterback Joe Montana loses his home debut, but throws for 252 and two touches.  Over the next 12 seasons, the 49ers win 100 regular season games and lose only 38 (.725), capturing four Super Bowls in eight years.

April 24th, 1987. After two years of purgatory in Creamsicle Bay, Steve Young is traded to San Francisco for a pair of picks, neither of them first-rounders. Young serves under Montana for four seasons, but at age 30, Brigham's favorite son is handed the keys to the Caddy. From ages 30 to 38, Young wins at an even higher clip than Montana (.736), but only manages to win one Super Bowl.

October 3rd, 1999. Young, crippled by the seventh concussion of his NFL career, starts only 3 games, two of them victories. His replacement? An undrafted 29-year-old rookie out of San Jose State named Jeff Garcia.

But this is not where our story begins.

...

In 1970, Jeffrey Jason Garcia is born in Gilroy, a city of 50,000 in central California. At 14, Garcia tries out for the JV football team, and earns a spot on the bench beneath sophomore quarterback Dave "Quickie" Kelso.  Garcia sees limited action during the first four games of the season.

On the Friday of the fifth game, Garcia trots onto the practice field and begins tossing with Kelso. It's pre-game and there are no contact drills, so the players are dressed in helmets, t-shirts, and shorts. Minutes later, Garcia huddles up with the scout offense.  The huddle breaks and Garcia watches his blockers line up before him. Walking up, he runs the play over in his mind, and steps under his center, Willie "HeMan" Herrera.

HeMan was a sophomore who smelled like schwag and took the bus to school. Large, forgetful, forgettable--but not on this day. On this day, in what must have been a celebration of freedom and indulgence, Willie Herrera decided not to wear a cup.

It wasn't until Garcia made contact that either boy realized the magnitude of this decision. Herrera stiffened up immediately but stifled a cry. Garcia thought to withdraw his hand but instead let it linger. Settling under center, he pressed his hands into Herrera's crotch, went calmly through the cadence, and snapped the ball.

The play-action pass resulted in a 16 yard gain. HeMan Herrera returned quietly to the locker room to piss. Jeff Garcia became gay.

...

After his revelation, Garcia's football career took off. He became more and more invested in the sport, both as proof of his manhood and as an opportunity to towel down with his teammates, and this enthusiasm showed on the field. Garcia made the Varsity team as a sophomore, and during his two years as a starter, the Alpha Flyers won 17 games against only two losses. Shameful, chronic masturbatory sessions to a Chippendale's calendar taken from his cousin's bachelorette party had given Garcia a strong throwing arm, but his slight build kept recruitment light. He was forced to take classes at a local community college before landing a chance to QB the Spartans of San Jose State.

His play continued to improve, but did not attract much attention, as he went undrafted by the NFL. Unwilling to give up the sport, Garcia latched on with the Calgary Stampeders of the CFL, leading the team to five strong finishes after Doug Flutie left the team for Toronto. After winning the Grey Cup with Calgary in 1998, Garcia abandoned the junior circuit, accepting an offer from the San Francisco 49ers to backup Steve Young.

When Young went down, Garcia stepped in, sharing time with Steve Stenstrom as San Francisco finished below .500 for the first time in 16 years. The following year, Young retired and Garcia was named the starter, something childhood "best friend" Peter Bronson described as "breathtakingly beautiful."

In many ways, Garcia's five-year tenure with the 49ers was a modest and unlikely success, as San Francisco twice made the playoffs and staged a memorable comeback in a Wild Card game against the New York Giants. Yet Garcia failed to achieve the same success as either of his decorated predecessors. Garcia never led the league in any category despite being buttressed by two elite receiver (Jerry Rice and Terrell Owens) and a strong running back (Garrison Hearst).

Instead, Garcia's career in San Francisco is remembered for a different reason: the prevalence of rampant, vicious speculation about Garcia's sexual preferences. The media shitstorm was set ablaze by Owens shortly after he left the team when he said of Garcia in Playboy, "If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat." Off the record, Owens later added, "That dude tried to touch my penis!"

Rumors swirled out of the Niners locker room about Garcia's unusual... tendencies. Star defensive tackle Bryant Young remarked that Garcia frequently showered with swim trunks on and "still got [an erection] probably half the time." Ken Norton, a longtime 49er and standout linebacker, claimed that Garcia "asked repeatedly to see [Norton's] magnum condoms." Said Norton, "One 'no' ought to be enough."

Most telling of all, however, is that of the five centers who played with Garcia in San Francisco, none were willing to comment on his time there.

After leaving San Francisco in 2004, Garcia tried to put the city behind him, marrying Playboy Playmate Carmella DeCesare. Still, the Bay years were the best and most memorable of Garcia's career. "He blossomed like a rare and exotic flower," Bronson said. "He really felt at home in San Francisco. Playing in Detroit--not so friendly." And yet, lingering questions remain: 

How good would Garcia have been if he'd been given a chance in the NFL draft? 

Has he been unfairly judged in the shadows of Montana and Young? 

Would San Francisco have won the Super Bowl in 2001 if Garcia had been able to play without imagining T.O.'s thick, pulsing, Nubian member?

The NFL may never know.

...

HEIGHT: 6 ft 1 in

WEIGHT: 205 lbs

THROWS: RIGHT

SEX: HOMO

Jay Cutler: Keg Buyer

Welcome to Sig Ep 

One of my favorite aspects of being a freshmen in college is the ridiculous dialogue that accompanies the unfamiliarity during the first week of orientation. It's like speed dating for friendships; everyone is impressionable and within all the earnestness and openness the bounds of conventional conversation dissipate. During this Judgment Week, students are constantly engaging in half-baked hypotheticals about the efficacy of contraceptives and anal circumferences. You will find some good friends and relegate many others to the "avoid at all costs" list. My involvement in the Wilderness pre-orientation program at school provided me insider access to Judgment Week as an upper classmen. During my senior year this conversation took place between two freshmen who we'll call F1 and F2.

F1: If you were at a frat party and they found out you were a freshmen and demanded you leave what would you do?

F2: I'd ask the dude "How much?"

Fl: What do you mean how much?

F2: I'd pull out my wallet and ask him "how much to buy the keg."

While I found it disgustingly hilarious that this pompous twat thought this an acceptable solution, it also worried me. Could someone just insert himself above a pre-existing system and find no consequence in such an absurd proposition? Was he to think that he could claim a stake of social power simply by ponying up a few Benjamins? Was he really this much of a bitch? Later on that night I would receieve a text from a member of this blog that read "literally cockblocked for hours by F2." This freshmen DID think rules need not apply to him and threw his disillusioned self in the path of my friend's permaboner (not that he was getting any that night anyways.) Thus marked the advent of the Keg Buyer.

The weeks leading up to the start of the NFL season are a confluence of optimism, expectations, and for all those outside the cities of Detroit, Cleveland, and Oakland, hope. Local media personalities and analysts are breaking down the minutia of each player's off-season triumphs and conquests. As a fan the preseason period serves as the TV version of a movie trailer, providing glimpses of the best scenes to come and roping in many with shots of tantalizing potential. Much like college Judgment Week, people take chances with the team by investing their hope in the axiom "it's a new season."

In the spring and summer of 2009 the city of Chicago was abuzz with excitement. The Bears had recently acquired a 25 year old Midwestern gunslinger born in a town (Santa Claus, Indiana) oozing with enchantment. The hero, Jay Cutler, was coming off a pro bowl season during which he threw for 4,500 yards and narrowly missed the playoffs. He was destined to be the missing piece on a previously 9-7 team whose glaring weakness had been the void of explosiveness at the most important position in sports. Cutler was going to be complemented by a running back coming off a rookie campaign during which he amassed over 1,700 yards from scrimmage and 12 TDs and surrounded by young explosive receiving options. His ball-hawking defense would get him lots of possessions and provide security when the gunslinging got the best of him. He was positioned to be Chicago's Marcus Aurelius, but instead of the last of the good emperors, Cutler would be the first of the good QBs. Just when the empire was ready to accept its new leader, Jay Cutler decided to buy the keg.

Jay Cutler has always been mired in the controversy caused by his mouth. Coming out of Vanderbilt, the SEC school least likely to produce NFL talent, he looked more ΩΒ than QB with his muppet coifed hair and beer bloated face. After grading out well at the combine and being drafted in the first round by the Broncos he was quick to anoint himself the hardest throwing quarterback in Broncos history, sending Elway steakhouse sales skyward. What's even more baffling is that within a year this statement wouldn't seem so ludicrous. The bionic combination of Cutler's arm and Brandon Marshall's T.O. like skill set morphed the Broncs from a between the tackles faceless backfield attack to a mile high aerial assault. Include the additions of rookie phenom Eddie Royal (ha!) and young tackles Ryan Clady and Ryan Harris of True Life: I Want a Perfect Body infamy and the offense was solidified for the next decade. Throw in the foresight of the Knowshon Moreno pick and a pretty weak AFC west and realize it's not a stretch to wonder if this Bronco's offesne could have been transcendent. But Cutler had to get him that keg.

Sports is a sector of entertainment that is always going to produce three things: winners, losers, and heroes/scapegoats. Even before Jamie Foxx and Jeff Van Gundy, our memories were gluttons for tales of blaming athletes. Mario Chalmers will be enshrined by the Kansas basketball faithful for his game tying three in the 2008 championship, but Bill Buckner's blunder will always remain the framework for how New England fans view agonizing defeat. Sports nation may someday forget Chalmers, but Buckner has defined a certain type of losing. Losing is worse than winning is good. This is why Broncos fans were looking for someone to strangle when their franchise QB was dealt to the Chicago Bears just weeks before the 2009 NFL draft. At first all fingers pointed to the new coach Josh McDaniels. Lauded as an offensive prodigy in New England, McDaniels ruffled some feathers in the Broncos organization by publicly pursuing ex-Pat Matt Cassel when he had Jay fucking Cutler already. Broncos fans rallied behind Cutler, just as they had when he came out with the admission that he was living with type 1 diabetes. Incensed by this open market shopping, Cutler became reclusive and even after McDaniels and owner Pat Bowlen came back to Jay saying they had made mistakes and he was the guy, Cutler found no merit in these reconciliations. Bowlen countered with an Ali-sized left hook and shipped Cutler to the Windy City within hours of his pouting, acquiring a slew of draft picks and Kyle Orton in the deal. This trade forced Cutler into a two franchse paradox. For the Broncos he'd lend himself to the part of scapegoat, but for Chicago he and his big market arm would be cast as hero.

Before we get into the purchase and acquisition data behind Cutler's keg buying let's go back to Judgment Week and justify the Bears fan's decision to befriend Jay Cutler. Just like Sleazer did in the Stump the Schaub post, I looked at Cutler's similarity score from the end of 07 (only one available).

 The numbers suggest that Cutler was on a similar arc to almost every current great QB. Throw out David Carr and JP Losman and there isn't a dud to be found on that list.

In a side by side comparison of the 2008 Bears and Broncos offensive production, it's pretty evident that the addition of Cutler should have added another dimension to the Bears O. The Broncos passed for 85 more yards per game in only 5 extra attempts while scoring more passing TDs as well. To boot, the Broncos also rushed for 12 more yards a game and scored the same amount of rushing TDs as the Bears who are historically known for between the tackles smashmouth ball. The Bears actually won more games (9) than the Broncos (8) when faced with similar schedules. There was hope that Devin Hester's expanded role as a WR would continue to grow and that Greg Olsen would be rewarded as Cutler's go-to guy. Matt Forte was to use his rookie campaign as a jumping off point and possibly approach young LT mode with his great pass catching ability and new rifle-armed mate. On paper the 2009 Bears were better offensively because they essentially swapped out Kyle noodle arm Orton for Cannon Cutler. So why were Bears fans deceived?

Cutler betrayed two separate fan bases this year, the Bears and the fantasy owners of Matt Forte. What no one in Chicago had expected is that the offense would be revamped around the skill set of their new Prodigal Son. Even if this new offensive scheme was unplanned, it didn't matter because Cutler was captaining the attack. Ever since he was old enough to play, Jay Cutler had been told to throw, throw, throw the football. With every miracle heaving gunslinger comes an inherent risk of over confidence. It's the same thing that plagued Brett Favre and made him great. It is the difference in perception versus reality that can catapult risk takers into champions or bench warmers. Cutler believed that the Bears acquired him to win football games behind the virtuosity of his arm. He replaced the essence of the Bears offense, which had been run centric with the power and inconsistency of his almighty arm. His buying of the keg was this disenchantment with reality, that he was above the system of Chicago Bears football. It became a slippery slope, because as he threw more interceptions the Bears found themselves trailing by more and relying on the pass. I saw Cutler play on national TV a few times early in the season and saw the symptoms of an immature quarterback. He was locking onto guys, ignoring his tight ends, and completely outlawing the option of going to his check down. Chicago was cuckolded by his play because of his monster contract (5 years/50 million) and because he was the only option. They continued to trot Cutler out, enabling him to spray balls all over the field using his arm as his wallet asking everyone, "How much?"

If you're hesitant to believe the Bears have abandoned their style of the last 25 years then just look at this chart comparing the 08 and 09 version of the Bears.

Although passing yards and TDs per game have increased, highlighted in red is every stat they've seen decreased production from. The running game has become an afterthough and the interception percentage above 5% is even out of the Favreian range. This chaos has spilled over to team production, and the Bears just ain't winning. What's even more tragic is what the Cuckler effect has done to promising young Matt Forte.

 Forte's production has been decimated by Cuckler's reluctance to check down or hand the ball off. If not for one huge receiving game against the 49ers, Forte's numbers would be down across the board. If you played fantasy football this year you know that any friend who drafted Matt Forte was a friend not making the playoffs of your league (unless he lucked into Chris Johnson and Ray Rice). Forte's yards per carry look like fullback numbers. Watching him play is just plain depressing because he appears so imprisoned by fascist Cutler.

For me, Cutler's entire season is epitomized by one sequence during his week 11 game against the Eagles. I was leading Coach Coolbaugh by 1.9 points in our fantasy matchup with the Bears/Eagles game representing the final game for both of our squads. I had Greg Olsen and Matt Forte and Coolbaugh was starting the Eagles D. There was 1 minute left on the clock and the Bears were down 20-24. Cutler started the drive off completeing a few passes and marching the Bears over midfield creating a sliver of hope for all those in attendance. On the next play he evaded a sack and targeted a wide open Greg Olsen. As the pass came out it looked good from the front angle, but as it neared the tight end it was apparent that the ball was going to just sail out of the grasp of his outstretched arms. It was tipped and landed right in the lap of Eagles DB Sean Jones. Game over, fantasy matchup over. I lost by one tenth of a point. At that moment I stood up from my chair and for a second thought about walking down to the liquor store and purchasing a keg to drink my disappointment away. Then I realized it was Sunday, and in Massachusetts Sundays are reserved for only one man to do the keg buying, Jay Cutler.

Schaub Stumps the Texans

What a Beautiful Release Point

Powerful, Driven, Matt Schaub is... Unstoppable. Like his citizen eco-drive... wait a minute Texans QBs don't get commercials like that. When a quarterback lacks big market appeal or the expectations that come with first round draft status, it becomes hard to put your finger on exactly how effective that QB actually is. Big name QBs get national media attention, and so do lesser guys who start for big market teams like the Giants or Cowboys. When it comes down to it, how do you compare a QB like Matt Schaub to someone like Dallas' Tony Romo? Neither are high draft picks, but Romo gets the attention and scrutiny that a Cowboys player deserves. To compound the problem, the Texans as a franchise have never even had a winning season or played in a playoff game. Is Matt Schaub Good, Bad or an In-Between? The sleazer is taking off the kid gloves and getting into the grit of an important yet ignored player in today's NFL.

The trade that got Matt Schaub his chance was strange in that while the Falcons got first round value for Schaub they never physically got an extra first round pick. As it went down, the Falcons received two 2nd rounders (in '07 and '08) and traded up two slots from 10 to 8 in the 2007 draft. All in all, the value is somewhere around a mid first rounder for Schaub, but the Texans attempted to save some face by not actually giving up the first rounder in case Schaub flopped. I'm not gonna go into the ins and outs of what the picks turned into since that's more of a trade/franchise evaluation than anything.

Trading what is essentially a first round draft pick for a semi-experienced former backup clearly represents a strong display of faith in a quarterback. When you use a draft pick on a QB, you generally have the luxury of providing him some years of instruction in your system. On the other hand, when you trade for a 25 year old QB with 150 in game attempts and two games started you have to be hoping for an out of the box product who will grow along with your team. Schaub's situation was hardly common in the NFL, especially considering he was probably the better passer on his former team. Then again, Mike Vick is anything but common.

Taking a look at Schaub's similarity score, a relative comparison to other qbs, at age 26:

(courtesy of profootballreference.com)

we can see that Schaub had potential that ranged from horrible (Tim Rattay, David Carr, Josh McCown) to average (Aikman, Brunell, Hasselbeck) to sublime (Joe Montana). These across the board scores are another indication of the risk/reward factor involved in the trade.

Not that there weren't flashes of talent from Schaub. In his 2005 game against the Patriots, Schaub was 18-34 for 298 yards, 3 TDs and no INTs. He hit on a number of deep balls against what was still a good NE defense, and he showed the ability to run the offense and avoid negative plays.

After the completely undeserved amount of faith placed in David Carr, the Houston Texans were desparate for a serviceable qb. In the end, what they got in the first two years from Schaub was inconsistency and injury. Schaub started 11 games each year in his first two years as full-time starter. When he played, his numbers were efficient if unspectacular. He clearly outclassed Carr in that he didn't take 5 sacks per game, but with playmakers on the offensive side like Andre Johnson (undoubtedly the most complete WR in the NFL), Owen Daniels and eventually Steve Slaton the Texans appeared to be an explosive offense on paper heading into 2009. Schaub had improved from '06 to '07 and '07 to '08 and another jump in production would be expected as the overall team talent improved.

The Texans also managed to bolster what was once an attrocious defense by spending high pick after high pick on front seven players like Amobi Okoye, Demeco Ryans, Mario Williams and most recently Brian Cushing. And it worked! So why hasn't this Texans team blossomed as most assumed it would this year?

It's not quite as simple as Matt Schaub case closed. The run game has struggled more than expected, but even as Schaub improved his numbers (he led the league in TD passes by week 10,) it was his untimely interceptions and inability to get the offense started early that led to a horrible 4 game losing streak by the Texans. All of the games were losses by 7 or less, and in each of them they either struggle in the 1st or 4th quarter. In fairness, the losses are to good teams. But also in fairness, you aren't a good QB if you score big against teams like Seattle and Buffalo. What you are is a good fantasy QB.

After a really mediocre performance yesterday against an equally mediocre St. Louis defense, Schaub continues to show us more of the same: he can hit Andre Johnson since he is almost always open, and his good stats (completion percentage, TD:INT ratio) hide the fact that he fails to convert important first downs and score touchdowns in the red zone.

At this point in the Texans' potential playoff arc, they are just entering their Superbowl window. The defense is young and flies all over the field. The receivers and offensive weapons are in place and in their primes. If Stump the Schaub is the hero Houston deserves, he needs to start showing it in these next two games; otherwise, it might be time for Houston to start exploring other QB options.

With the 2010 season potentially uncapped things could get crazy in a hurry, but to his credit Schaub has really only three full years as starter under his belt. I don't think it's unreasonable for the Texans to stick with Schaub and hope he continues to improve. For the Texans, even playing in a playoff game would be a huge step forward, but so long as you have the talent on the roster why not gamble with a QB change if it can put you over the top?

Nevertheless, I would prefer they don't roll the dice with the options currently on their roster, or options they have already explored for that matter:




I think when all is said and done, Schaub's best years will have overlapped while the team's overall talent was at its pinnacle. It's a good situation for Houston, but in the end Schaub might be cast as the goat who held a talented team back.

Y'all Ready For This

In a truly Innovative? (nope) Creative? (nah) Inspired? (sure) move, Our very own "It was all a Dream" made a move which is sure to put Fegonomics on the map.

An homage to ESPN's 30 for 30, Fegonomics presents 32 for 32: 32 quarterbacks for the 32 current NFL teams.

In order to celebrate the approximate 1 year anniversary of Fegonomics, the contributors together with some talented guest writers will attempt the most ambitious project ever to grace the server space of Fegonomics in a series of articles, exposes and passages of verbal diarrhea.

To determine the 32 quarterbacks, a draft was held. Why? Because if you can draft, draft.
The results can be found here and it will suffice to say that there were both great and poopy quarterbacks, but more importantly there's a story behind each one. The first story will drop 12/21/09 with the tentative title: Schaub Stumps the Texans What? you don't think Matt Schaub is an appropriate lead-in to such a monumental series of posts? Suck it Trebek.

The Many Fachays of Brad Childress

So I'm supposed to write about how Favre is definitely the MVP because he only has three picks. Meh. Or how the Pats getting embarassed on MNF is a bigger deal than people are making it out to be (which it is). Or maybe I'm suppoed to make my case for going for 16-0 and risking injury as opposed to playing it safe. Whatever. Brad Childress has a funny face, and it's all I can think about.

Prologue:

Brad Childress' inauspicious start as head coach of the Minnesota Vikings was overshadowed by the recent ownership changeover to....

Zygi Played Guitar!!!!!!

So Zygi comes in and naturally decides that some change is in order. Now, it can be dangerous to come in and mess with the natural order of a team, but I suppose when your current head coach is...
Mike Tice

then there are definitely some grounds for termination. Mike Tice presents the perfect case study for the hiring of an upbeat interim coach when a long term coach gets fired or resigns. It just isn't worth the risk and associated ridiculousness. Now, this is a fachays of Brad Childress post, so I'm going to get to the meat in a moment, but hold onto your dicks and bear with me as I remind you of a couple of things about Mike Tice:

1) He once tore his ACL. As a coach. Watching Mike Tice attempting to coach his final year on crutches was both hilarious and a perfect visual representation of his coaching ability. I believe this also happened to former Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis (Perhaps the Mike Tice of the college game). My suggestion to the both of them: lose some weight! I understand it's a copycat league, but obesity is not a prerequisite for NFL head coaches despite the current trend of New England Coordinators. Mike Tomlin and Jon Gruden have won superbowls in visually acceptable weight classes, and on the plus side you might actually be able to dodge a 230 pound NFL player barreling towards your knee. In fairness, he did tough it out:

"You can't keep me off the sideline. MCL, PCL, ACL, cartilage, I don't really care."

2) He was caught in an NFL ticket scalping ring and fined $100,000 for his involvement which was the largest fine for a coach at the time and 10% of his salary. Tice was selling his personal tickets to scalpers. You are the head coach!!! Why are you taking time out of your day to even think "hey, maybe I should sell my extra tickets" let alone get involved with a serious weekly scalper. People came to his defense by stating that he was the lowest paid coach in the NFL. Of course he is! You get what you pay for.

3) This all happened in the same freaking year that the "Love Boat" scandal happened. Most guys that aren't X's and O's guys are good player coaches. Not Mike Tice. Gotta love Smoot Smack working that double-headed dildo as Tice looks on.

Tice also managed to take a team with Culpepper, Moss and the Whizzinator and be incredibly mediocre. After all these events in one season, anyone who forms complete sentences will look like an NFL savior coach.


Act I:

Enter, Brad Childress. As a part of the highly esteemed Andy Reid coaching tree, Childress has all the credentials to be a great NFL coach that is also a pedophile. While serving under Reid with the Eagles, he held the important position of stunting the development of Donovan McNabb as the Philly QB coach for four years (1999-2002), followed by a nice run as Offensive coordinator from '03-05. Oh wait, they went 6-10 in 2005.

Epic Side Boob.

Act II: The Chester Fried Year(s)

As a rookie head coach in 2006, B-Rad knew he wouldn't be able to run the fly eagles fly offense to which he was accustomed so long as Brad Johnson was at the helm. So he decided to bring in a free agent runner to complement his Mike Tice coached O-line. In all seriousness, Tice did a great job coaching up that O-line. Tice is the perfect example of why you don't promote an assistant to head coach just because they are good at their job.

Astutely sensing a lack of talent, Childress decided he would sculpt his QB of the Future using his excellent QB coaching skillz while he feasted on Chicken Taylor in the short term.

Brad Childress: putting the "molester" back in Chester the Molester

ACT III: Christmas comes early, and with a joystick!

And that joystick was Adrian Peterson who employed his video game physics in a great rookie campaign.
For Childress, it meant a year of hiking up his shorts and coaching the fuck out of this young team with talent and inexperience in the backfield.

Thems some high fastening pants. And for a dude with a mean molester 'stache, he doesn't have much leg hair does he?

The team improved somewhat behind the gruesome twosome of Chester Fried Chicken (A sneaky 1100 scrimmage yards and 7 TDs) and Adrian Peterson.

ACT IV: TARVARIS JACKSON IS 8-6 AS A STARTER (2008)




Yes Brad, we hear you. We just don't think you hear yourself.

Regardless of whether or not Childress really had such misguided hope for Jackson, there was absolutely nothing to be gained by proclaiming it to the world. Maybe Childress thought if he believed hard enough he could make it true. Something along the lines of never never land. Stop reading fairy tales to 6 year old boys and start coaching instead of praying.


Act V: The Wooing of the Favre

"Hey Brett, wanna take a long drive in the middle of nowhere with me? I just finished prepping my neardhead" "Well Brad, to be completely honest, I feel completely comfortable with that"


Childress just loves to set up both his sexual and business advances with a soothing drive in his black SUV.

We all know the Favre story, but the underrated storyline is how this saved the job of Brad Childress. He was given a long leash and a lot of leeway following the Tice era, but the luster of AP was wearing off and people began questioning how a team with Jared Allen and AP wasn't making a splash in the playoffs. With Favre now on Childress' side, he is untouchable. He somehow convinced a guy to play for his team even though it was his longtime rival. And the Vikings are great to boot. Despite his utter idiocy Childress will ultimately get a Tom Coughlin-esque get out of jail free card for the next 2-3 years. And he knows it, which is the worst part.


Which brings us to....

Final Act: The Lunatic Years

You could tell he was on the precipice when we started seeing glimpses of this hat in the preseason and training camp:


that, coupled with the losing battle of his hair against his beard further engendered a growing concern for Brad Childress' mental health.

And then there was the bombshell:

Not sure that it's him????

I'd recognize that 'stache anywhere.

The pics were originally distributed by snake cock Shiancoe following week 10 and show Chldress portraying a long time fantasy of his: A Male Flight attendant cross-dresser seduces an airplane full of gay football players with a storyline involving excessive bukkake pearl necklaces.


Yes ladies and gentlemen (ok just gentlemen since I'm pretty sure no labia have graced the pages of Fegonomics with the exception of Makhtar's flick grip) Childress has officially gone off the deep end. All that media attention has really gotten to him, and the pressure of all those secrets (read: little boys) just caused him to crack.


G'night and Snell you later.

Make it Rain

To preface this post, most of it is borderline nsfw and some of it is slightly explicit/offensive.

To start it off...

(The Sleazer reccommends listening while reading)

I gotta give props where they're due, and Ahole - in one of the biggest emo music upsets of the century - introduced me to this fly version of the Fat Joe song. On a similar note...



Look at that man, how can someone with instincts so mischievous look so innocent?

Continue Feeg'n Out--->

Packers Vikings Live Blog

The sleazer, as a Packer fan and as a football fan, will be giving his up to the moment reactions and analysis of the Packers at Vikings monday night football game. This isn't going to be unbiased analysis. It'll be like you were watchng the game with me...the day after it happened.

My thoughts leading up to the game:

I'm not sure if there has ever been a regular season game with more media storylines in any sport. You see players move from team to team, but you still want to think that if they a longtime player for any team, their love for that team would prevent them from playing for their former rival. You even see it happen on a smaller scale with players like Johnny Damon, but Favre going to the Vikings doesn't have a comparison that I can think of.

For some Packers fans it was a complete gut-shot. I am basically numb to the point where I just ignore everything he does. He was the face of the franchise for 16 years, and now he is the de facto face for the rival franchise in his waning years. All these storylines are great, but for me Pack Vikes is enough of a storyline.

Two matchups that I think will be important in this game that haven't gotten the media coverage are the Packers right side of the offensive line vs. the williams family and whoever plays opposite Jared Allen. The packers have really struggled in run-blocking on the right side, but they have an advantage athletically. I expect the Packers to try to exploit this with toss plays away from Jared Allen. Also, expect some screen passes out of 2 TE sets which will help open up some run lanes later in the game.

Another mathcup that bears watching is how Charles Woodson jumps routes vs. Favre. Woodson knows how Favre likes to play, and he is the smartest and best defender they have. Favre has a tendency to throw to guys before they come out of breaks, and Woodson capitalizes on these types of throws.

Continue Feeg'n Out--->