Over/Under, Vol IX: Don't Call it a Comeback

After allowing myself an Oden-esque lapse in productivity, let it be known that the Last Naked Warrior is making his triumphant return to the world of fegos.

Continue Feeg'n Out--->

Over/Under, Volume VIII

Somewhere, lost in the unforgiving deserts of the American southwest, two men sit alone at the end of a forgotten bar. They are gaunt men, withered by the hardships of frontier life, acquainted with a sadness that few will ever know. Their eyes are cast down, and in the afternoon sun, their shadows stretch across the saloon. For a long time, they are silent, unaware that a rider is hurtling towards them over the boiling sand.

Rancher Bill: What time you figure, Tim?

(Cowboy Tim squints out the window)

Cowboy Tim: Three, I reckon, or quarter-past.

(Rancher Bill nods. Cowboy Tim takes a sip of whiskey)

Rancher Bill: How long you been livin' here, Tim?

(Cowboy Tim scratches himself and spits on the floor)

Cowboy Tim: Nigh on sixteen years since I come down from Montana.

(Rancher Bill nods)

Rancher Bill: I been ranchin' the same plot a dirt 46 years now.

(Cowboy Tim whistles, impressed)

Cowboy Tim: Damn near a lifetime in these parts, Bill.

Rancher Bill: Damn near. (Rancher Bill takes a swig of beer) I seen 'em come and go, yessir, but none quite like this.

Cowboy Tim: You mean that, Bill?

Rancher Bill: Ain't the type of thing a man jokes about. She's seen plenty a bad, this town, and even worse--but she died the day that naked fella left.

(Both men finish their drinks)

Cowboy Tim: You know, B--

(Suddenly, a man staggers into the saloon, collapsing on the floor)

The Rider: (gasping) Water...

(Both men approach The Rider)

Rancher Bill: How long you been out in that heat, son?

(The Rider clutches his throat)

Cowboy Tim: (to the bartender) Walt, get the man a drink!

Rancher Bill: Only a damn fool rides in this heat. That sun'll leave you for the vultures an' make no mistake.

(The Rider reaches into his jacket and pulls out a sheaf of papers)

The Rider: He--(gasp)--he said--"Better late than never."

(Rancher Bill takes the papers)

Rancher Bill: "Better late than"--you sweet sonuvabitch! Tim, Walt, Clancy! It's word from the Naked Warrior!

Cowboy Tim: A new shipment of Over/Unders??!

Walt: We're back, boys!

Rancher Bill: (to The Rider) God bless you, son. You saved us. This town'll never forget you, that's a promise.

(The Rider smiles weakly and, as Rancher Bill cradles him, closes his eyes for the last time)

All: A toast to our savior, the Naked Warrior, wherever he may roam!

(End scene)

Disclaimer: No orphans were harmed in this production of Over/Under. Just one rider and his faithful horse.

• 2.5 - peak sales rank of Brett Favre's #4 Vikings jersey. While the NFL doesn't release actual figures on jersey sales, they do release a Top 25 for bestsellers, which functions as a decent barometer of player popularity. At the moment, Jay Cutler's #6 Bears jersey is at the top of the list, but with the return of two former chart-toppers in the last week, Cutler's reign may be short-lived. This is made more likely because the two players in question--Brett Favre and Michael Vick--both signed with new teams, a surefire way to boost your jersey sales. Here's the issue, though: while Favre was the NFL's most popular player for years, inspiring unprecedented displays of jersey-loyalty, many football fans are tired of his act. While the jersey will undoubtedly sell well amongst Vikings fans--I actually don't understand why any Vikes fan would rather have Favre's jersey than AP's--it's unclear whether Minnesota alone will be able to vault him back to the top spot. For additional consideration: Who will sell more jerseys this season, Favre or Vick? Will they both reach the top spot? Will one but not the other? OVER/UNDER?

• 500 - rushing yards for Michael Vick this season. Vick really deserves his own Over/Under, and given what I've been hearing from the talking heads on ESPN, this one makes the most sense. In 2006, before being incarcerated, Vick had the greatest running season ever by a quarterback. This is, in some ways, a dubious distinction, since he had a mediocre season overall. Either way, Vick became the first QB to rush for 1,000 yards in a season, setting the NFL mark at 1,039. He only fumbled 9 times--down from 11 and 16 the previous two years--and lost just three. Now, Vick probably isn't going to be running the way he once did, as his 4.3 speed has likely deteriorated some. However, he'll still be the league's fastest QB the second he steps on the field, and if the Eagles are smart, they'll take full advantage. The poindexters on ESPN keep saying that to succeed in Philly he'll need to become a pocket passer--BULLSHIT. They've got a much better pocket passer in Donovan McNabb. Hell, they've got two, if you count A.J. Feeley. They need Vick to come in and be a big, bad seX Factor, Ron Mexico style. Will Andy Reid call enough design runs for Vick to crack 500 yards? Keep in mind he will miss anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks due to suspension. OVER/UNDER?

• 24 - number of snaps Tom Brady takes in tomorrow's Patriots game. Thankfully, Mrs. Naked Warrior has a real job, the kind that comes with health insurance, bonuses, and a slew of fringe benefits. As a result, I'll be in attendance tomorrow when the Pats play the Bengals, presumably watching the action from a plush suite somewhere. In the words of the nice guy, Aw, noice. Aw, sick, sick. Here's the thing: I've never been to an NFL game, and while this is preseason, it's the closest I figure to get for awhile. Given that, I'd like to see the stars get some reps, so I can approximate the experience of a regular season game. However, I'm marginally a Pats fan, and every time Mr. Handsome walks onto a preseason field, all of New England holds its breath. So how many plays can I expect to see from Gisele's better half? OVER/UNDER?

• 200 - career MLB wins for Stephen Strasburg. As I predicted last week, Strasburg became the newest National late Monday night, signing a record $15.1M contract that some say is valued closer to $19M. That kind of coin will place some awfully big expectations on Strassy, and with good reason. He's being paid like an All-Star without actually being one. Now, as I've said before, he has incredible talent. At the MLB level, though, the results do the talking. Now, I'm aware that wins are a terrible metric for evaluating a pitcher, especially one destined to begin his career in Washington. Still, they give us a very basic idea of his effectiveness, as well as longevity. There's nothing historic about a 3.50 ERA over three seasons, but 200 wins is basically the threshold for Hall of Fame consideration. Only luminaries like Sandy Koufax and Addie Joss get inducted without getting there. This question is similar to the one I posed about Bryce Harper weeks ago, but different in that--while Strasburg is considerably older and requires less projection--pitchers tend to flame out at a much higher rate than hitters. Will Strasburg have the sustained success necessary to win 200 games? Or will he flame out like Mark Prior, who was the proto-Strasburg eight years ago? OVER/UNDER?

• 75 - percentage chance that James Bond is HIV-positive. This question is inspired by an old SNL sketch with Sean Connery that, unfortunately, seems to be missing from the web. In the sketch, Bond is informed by a doctor that he has contracted every STD known to man, and a few that they didn't know existed. He spends the rest of the sketch calling up old Bond girls and awkwardly explaining to them the diseases they might have. It's pretty funny, mostly because Connery pulls it off so well. It got me thinking, though: what are the chances that Bond has HIV/AIDs? Probably pretty high, right? I mean, he's slept with dozens and dozens of women from all over the world, many in circumstances that probably don't allow for contraceptives. Furthermore, I can't imagine a guy as smooth as Bond fumbling around in his wallet for a condom while Christmas Jones or Octopussy wait around, can you? Working in Bond's favor, however, is the fact that AIDs didn't really become prevalent until the '80s and '90s, by which time he had already done some of his best work. Also, Bond girls tend to be a high class group, which also seems to lessen the likelihood. OVER/UNDER?

My apologies go out to the good people of Keibab, AZ. I never meant to hurt you. I will return some day.

If only you could major in "Shaqology"

So I'm back to school with Trapper Keeper and Starter jacket in hand, which means that I'll probably be MIA for a while until I get acclimated to the Gauntlet. Rest assured I'll be reading United Fegos of Bennetton continuously, but to give you a flavor of what I'll be experiencing in the upcoming weeks, I'll leave you guys with a Bill Nye the Jorts Guy educational moment:

Over/Under, Volume VII

In many cultures, the number 7 is considered lucky, a phenomenon I have never understood. The whole idea of lucky numbers is untenable, but beyond that, there's just nothing about 7 that makes it special.

Since this is nominally a sports blog, let's considered some famous number 7s in sports, shall we? Alcoholic. Pussy. Dog-killer. Horse-face. A bunch of fegos, if you ask me. And, speaking of shitty number 7s, what about son-of-a-horse-face? This dode not only has his own website--totally undeserved in the first place--but check it out: it's .org. I know that the internet is pretty informal, and that .com, .net, and .org and virtually interchangeable in many respects, but come on--jackelway.org? Really? It may have fallen by the wayside, but originally, the .org designation was intended for non-profit organizations, not over-privileged pieces of shit like Ken Doll-way here. Ask our Colorado correspondent, Mr. N'Diaye, and he'll confirm that Li'l Seabiscuit has been profiting from his famous name for some time (see: his facebook pics). As a fellow member of the Aryan race, I'm ashamed to share fair skin, blue eyes, and blonde hair with this turd. He looks like the orgy child of Patches O'houlihan, Barbaro, and Sarah Jessica Parker, liberally seasoned with all the learning disabilities of the rainbow. The best reason why that website is a crock of shit, though, is that he doesn't even play football anymore! I won't be the first to speculate where he's spending his newfound, chlamydiae-riddled free time.

Given all this, it's hard to see why the number 7 gets special treatment. In fact, like many of you, I feel a little sorry for 7, having to associate with such high-octane douche bags. But fear not, number 7, for your moment of glory has arrived: five nugs of the dankest, stickiest, ickiest Over/Unders south of B.C., and they've got your number on 'em. Drink it in, 7, it don't get any better:

• 0.5 - number of boob jobs for Kelly Hall. Gotta credit the Dream for turning me on to this breaking story. This is barely an Over/Under, but I figured it needed to be shared with the world, and since our resident college football expert is still living in the dial-up age, I'll take responsibility. Hall, a Georgia cheerleader and girlfriend of UGA product Matt Stafford, has been sporting a different look since her beau became QB1 of the Detroit Lions. All the details and legwork are at Busted Coverage, so check that out, decide for yourself, and then friend her on facebook! (For additional consideration: if you took the over, whose decision do you think it was?) OVER/UNDER?

• 30,000,000 - number of USD that Stephen Strasburg will receive for signing with the Washington Nationals. Strasburg, the #1 pick in the June draft, hasn't played baseball since May, but he's been playing hardball all summer long, apparently demanding a Major League contract worth $50 million--or more. No player taken in the draft has ever exceeded the $10.5M contract signed by Mark Prior, a prospect who in 2001 was touted almost as highly as Strasburg. His agent, Scott Boras, has dangled a number of potential ploys to get more money, including sending Strasburg to Japan for a year. This may be hot air--I imagine Strasburg isn't enthused by the prospect of playing in Japan rather than the big leagues--but with Boras it's nearly impossible to tell. Such a move would be a huge gamble, since it is predicated on Strasburg returning to America the following year as a free agent, which isn't even a given and would require challenging baseball's existing rules. What we do know, however, is that the clock is ticking: Washington has until August 17th to sign him, and if they don't, they lose the right to negotiate with him, so this week should be very interesting for Butters and the other eleven Nats fans. Strasburg is clearly a world-class talent--witness his 23 K game against Utah--but so was Prior, and we know how that turned out. OVER/UNDER?

• 99.9 - percentage of the overall votes received by Ken Griffey Jr when he becomes eligible for the Hall of Fame. This Over/Under is designed in part to put pressure on Oden to write an article about Griffey, because frankly, I will write it if he doesn't. Since I don't want to step on the toes of any posts to come, I'll just say this: no player has ever been named on 100% of his Hall of Fame ballots. Tom Seaver has come the closest at 98.8%. Compared with some HOFers who didn't make the cut--Willie Mays comes to mind--Griffey seems relatively ordinary, but he's got a trick or two up his sleeve: for one thing, he was the most popular player in baseball for the first half of his career, and has remained wildly popular despite decline and bodily deterioration. If you weren't born in the '80s, you don't remember that Junior was about as cool as athletes get, on par with Tiger Woods and Shaquille O'Neal. Also, while Griffey's done nothing particularly relevant to his Hall of Fame case in three years, it gets stronger and stronger each year, as more and more is revealed about the steroid years. Along with Frank Thomas, Griffey is a beacon of light, his name unlinked to any allegations, his numbers genuinely untainted. And what fantastic numbers they are: 623 home runs, 1807 RBIs, a career .914 OPS, 13 All-Star games, 10 Gold Gloves. During his halcyon days in Seattle, Junior won a Gold Glove and made the All-Star team for ten consecutive years, every single year of the '90s. He dominated the league for an entire decade, and then--when other stars in their mid-30s were juicing their way to big numbers--he entered a slow, normal decline, the kind that ballplayers have been enduring for 120 years. While he won't match Barry Bonds' career numbers, from a gambler's perspective, I'd bet on Junior to tally more HOF votes, and he'll deserve them all. Will he be the first player to merit unanimous selection? OVER/UNDER?

• 4.5 - minimum number of participants in an orgy. The word orgy, from the Greek orgia, can refer to a wild party but is more commonly used to describe sex involving multiple partners. For our purpose, this discussion is limited to the sexual connotation only. My question: how many partners does it take for group sex to qualify as an orgy? I've heard of threesomes and foursomes, but are those orgies? Do orgies begun where the "-somes" end, and if so, where do we draw that line? Is five people enough to characterize an orgy? Additional consideration: does the definition depend on the dynamic involved? For example, can a gang bang involving repeated penetration of one subject be called an orgy, based on the total number of participants? Or does an orgy specifically demand that the participants be swapping, switching, and freewheeling like there's no tomorrow? If a buddy told you he participated in an orgy, what would your expectations be? Can you participate in an orgy but only have sex with one person? I feel like these are all ambiguities that need immediate attention. OVER/UNDER?

• 2.5 - minimum number of female participants required for a straight guy to comfortably engage in group sex involving another guy. This Over/Under is really an extension of its predecessor, which is why I've grouped them together at the end to maximize discussion. Now, while this O/U is directed in particular at straight dudes, I encourage anyone reading this blog to give it due consideration. Now, faced with a Playboy Mansion situation where it's you and your boy versus a dream team of bunny hunnies strategically positioned around the grotto, I think virtually everyone would agree that this is a no-brainer. But imagine the opposite end of the spectrum: you are out with a friend and, over the course of the evening, you get propositioned by two down 'n' dirty smokeshows who are DTF, under one condition--four bodies, one bed. I'm not suggesting that you're doing anything obviously gay, but you are in the same bed, and chances are you're going to touch at some point, probably more than once. I just raised the stakes, motherfucker. What's going through your mind right now? Obviously, the hotness of the girls comes into play. The amount of alcohol consumed is also a factor. It probably matters who your friend is, but I'd like to see what people have to say about this. Would you rather have it be a really close friend, someone you're really comfortable with, or a mere acquaintance, so that if shit felt weird afterwards you could easily avoid them for the rest of your life? For additional consideration: is their some kind of ratio that needs to be maintained? What if it was 4 girls but 3 guys? What about a Riggins-Street-Lyla scenario (start watching at 40:00, you won't be disappointed)? Y Tu Mama Tambien? OVER/UNDER?

I'd just like to close by giving a huge shout out to a friend of mine and star of this PSA for the Big Ten Conference. I've probably only seen her twice since her graduation party, but I still think this is pretty sick. Definitely the best athlete I've ever personally known, and a really cool person to boot. Big ups, HilBo. (And she's wearing jorts! What's not to love?)

Over/Under, Volume VI

Given the desperate state of affairs in this country, the rising tide of joblessness breaking bulwarks and breaching levees across the nation, many Americans are facing the harsh reality that employment is a privilege, not a divine right. This climate has necessitated an attitude adjustment that is reflected in, among other things, the movies we watch.

Take, for example, Office Space, the groundbreaking comedy by Mike Judge, creator of Beavis and Butthead. Just a decade ago, Office Space celebrated slacking, encouraged insubordination, and raised bitching about your job to an art form:

Office Space is a cult classic for a reason, and if you haven't seen it, NetFlix that shit with the quickness. A word of caution, though: while it remains truly hilarious, if you watch it today, Office Space can't help but seem a little dated. It's a relic from an era in which the economy was booming, jobs were plentiful, and guys like Peter, Michael, and Samir were free to bitch because, hey, there's gotta be something better than Initech out there.

You don't have to go further than the tag line--"Work sucks"--to see how times have changed. Yeah, work does suck. Work has always sucked. Sitting on the stoop getting day-drunk and listening to hip hop will always trump. But can you imagine a movie with that tag line coming out now? No, you can't, because Americans today just wouldn't be having that. Oh, work sucks? You hate your job? Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! Who has the patience to put up with some whiny pussy complaining about their shitty job with shitty benefits and shitty medical insurance and shitty, shitty company Christmas party with the karaoke machine and drunk guy who loves Neil Diamond when their eyes are bleeding from reading Craigslist want ads for eleven hours?

Look, I love Office Space. I own it, it's a classic, and I bust it out at least once a year. It's got a great ensemble cast that shines without a real focal point. With one glorious exception, this film was the apex of all its actors' careers, though Lumbergh has recently resurfaced with appearances in Pineapple Express and Entourage. Still, in spite of its ample awesomeness, the truth is that when Office Space comes on Comedy Central at three in the afternoon, it serves as a grim reminder to those of us at home watching that it wasn't always this way.

Now that I've ruined a beloved movie, let's roll out the Volume VI Over/Unders. Just take a little test drive to see how she handles:

• 2.5 - wins by Pedro Martinez in 2009, including playoffs. Pedro's back!!!...!...? If I could use only punctuation to describe my feelings about Pedro signing with the Phillies, I think I would go with "!!!...!...?" When Office Space came out, I was twelve, and Pedro was in the midst of the greatest pitching run I had ever seen. Dream covered his All-Star heroics a few posts ago, so I won't step on his toes, but consider this: Pedro's 99-00 may not be the best two-year run by a pitcher in baseball history, but relative to his competition, no one has ever been better. He won back-to-back unanimous Cy Youngs--only Greg Maddux and SteRoidger Clemens have equaled this feat--went 41-10 (.804) while the rest of the team went 138-135 (.505), and posted a 1.90 ERA while the rest of the AL clocked in around 4.90. His adjusted-ERA (ERA+) was 243 in 1999 (third-best since World War I, 9th all-time), and in 2000, he posted the best ERA+ (291) in 120 years and the second best in the history. For good measure, he also struck out 597 batters, and had 15 wins coming into the '99 ASB. Flash-forward a decade and... well, to look at him, he's almost the same. Same wry smile, same silky cocoa butter skin, same--arm? Uh, no, not exactly. The arm that once touched 98 now works between 84 and 86, and while his change-up is still a weapon, he can't set it up the way he once could. People around baseball have been saying for years that Pedro is one of the smartest players they've ever known, and if anyone can compete with diminished stuff, it's probably him. Yet, as much as I love to see my boyhood idol back in uniform, the way he got knocked around last year was cringe-worthy. With Cliff Lee joining Martinez and Cole Hamels in the rotation, the Phillies look playoff-bound, meaning Pedro should have one more shot at greatness on the grand stage. Will we get one more signature moment before the legend rides off into the bronze Cooperstown sunset? OVER/UNDER?

• 20,000,000 - number of HBO subscribers who will tune in for the Seinfeld reunion slated for this season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I kind of struggled with how to phrase this Over/Under, so if you can come up with a better way, keep it to yourself. I run the Over/Unders in this town. TimeWarner claims that there are 40 million HBO subscribers in the U.S. When Seinfeld aired its final episode, marking the last time the cast appeared together on screen, over 76 million Americans tuned in. Obviously, this question is different, since I'm artificially limiting the scope to HBO subscribers because its a premium cable channel (I'm sure many more will watch it online). Will it draw over half? Or does Curb lack the universal appeal of its predecessor? OVER/UNDER?

• 100 - games remaining in Stephon Marbury's NBA career. This Over/Under was inspired by this article by Scoop Jackson, an insightful and thought-provoking piece on Marbury's very public shame spiral. Jackson's article inspired me to read The Last Shot, Darcy Frey's chronicle of the Abraham Lincoln High School basketball team. Frey followed the team--Lincoln is a Brooklyn high school consisting largely of poor blacks from the most dangerous parts of Coney Island--during the 1991 season, when they were defending New York City high school champions and a 14-year-old freshman phenom named Stephon Marbury made his debut. The book, which came out in during Marbury's senior season in 1994, is an extremely good read, and I recommend it highly, especially in light of Marbury's current situation. I won't go into too much detail, but basically, the book is scary perceptive. Frey takes us inside Marbury's world and shows us how, at 14, he's already facing the unrealistic expectations that will eventually ruin him. The pressure Marbury faces--pressure that, combined with his own destructive impulses, will get the better of him--is conveyed beautifully. Hindsight is 20/20, and in The Last Shot, you see the rest of his career--still unknown to him--unfolding before your eyes. For once in his life, Stephon Marbury is a sympathetic character, an endorsement that should be intriguing enough by itself. Today, Starbury is 32, and a free agent that no one seems to want. NBA players age faster than other athletes, so 32 isn't so young anymore, but it's hardly ancient. Mark Jackson, a lesser talent but a greater player than Marbury, played almost 600 games after turning 32. Steph is still just two years removed from a solid campaign, and while he may never be a star again, he would have years ahead as a role player if not for the stigma that rightfully surrounds him. Does he deserve another chance? Will anyone give him one? OVER/UNDER?

• 4.5 - number of female support staffers whose assholes will be scrutinized by Makhtar. If you've spent enough time around Makh, then you know he's an ass man. And not just the ass itself--he likes the ashya, but he loves the asshole. Specifically, he loves talking about it: "I would sniff"--(cue sniffing motion and noise)--"that asshole." Or: "I would root around in that asshole" (italics for emphasis). If myself, Makhtar, Dream, and the rest of the crew make it up to Woodstock for a couple of days, I can only assume that there will be a few young ladies who will be surprised to find a hulking Asian guy from Saw leering at them when they turn around. (Is this going too far? Somebody stopppppppp me!) OVER/UNDER?

• 50 - number of different Earth women impregnated by Superman. As some of you may know, I'm involved with a book project involving the Man of Steel. Unfortunately, the work I've been doing has little to do with Superman's sexual proclivities, which are of great interest to me. Now, part of Superman's enduring appeal is the relationship he has with his human alter-ego, Clark Kent. Anyone could be Clark Kent. Despite having massive shoulders and the ability to conceal a unitard beneath his suit, Clark Kent is generally portrayed as a pussy. He's mild-mannered--a trait typical of fegos everywhere--and his would-be squeeze, Lois Lane, regards him as too milquetoast to consider bumping uglies. Like most women, Lois is attracted to alpha-males, and Clark Kent is straight beta. Enter Superman, who can fly, reflect bullets, and crush meteors. Just the kind of stuff that gets girls wet. Lois is all about the Man of Steel, but unfortunately, they can't be together because of Superman's commitment to justice and for her own safety and blah blah blah. Or so the comics would have children believe. Those of us who've read The Game know better. Superman could settle down with Lois--this ain't no Batman shit, alright, Superman's got the world on lock--but why would he? He can fly around the world and fuck whoever he wants, whenever he wants. Not that Lois would understand--but she doesn't know, so it won't hurt her. Meanwhile, Supe's got his LTR back in Metropolis, and HB10s with legs spread all over the world. A pretty sweet deal, right? A couple of issues, though: for one thing, they don't make Kryptonite condoms, and ain't no Latex or lambskin gonna stop that Super Sperm. The paternity suits would be coming fast and furious. More crucial, though, is this question: does Superman, in addition to super strength and super speed, have super morality? Would the ethical compass that compels him to defend humanity allow him to take on a set of barely-legal Brazilian triplets, especially considering the ramifications of their inevitable impending pregnancy? Yet, in many ways, Superman is human, having been raised among us. Would he give in to temptation, and how many times? OVER/UNDER?

If you made it this far, congratulations, you've conquered the longest Over/Under in history. But for you intrepid few, the journey has just begun--because, while I don't care what your opinions are, someone else might.

Over/Under, Volume V

It's Monday, July 27th, 2009, a dark and stormy night somewhere in New England. Outside The Ugly Duckling orphanage, lightning splits the sky, and a cold wind whips through an old apple orchard. Inside, two frail boys are huddled around a computer screen, clutching each other for warmth. Suddenly, the old grandfather clock strikes twelve ominous times.

Little Orphan Billy: What... what's going on, Timmy?

Little Orphan Timmy: I don't know--I--where is it?

(Little Orphan Timmy begins to cry)

Little Orphan Billy: Quiet, Timmy! You'll wake the mistress!

Little Orphan Timmy: Just... (sniff)... just click refresh--maybe there's an update.

(Little Orphan Billy refreshes the screen, and as the old dial-up modem churns away, they cling to each other, sending Little Orphan prayers up into the ether)

Little Orphan Timmy: Something's coming on the screen! Read it, Billy!

Little Orphan Billy: "We interrupt your regularly scheduled--"... No!!! It's not here!

(Little Orphan Timmy cries inconsolably)

Little Orphan Billy: But it's Monday! Where--where are the Over/Unders? What's become of Mr. Naked Warrior?

Little Orphan Timmy: I'm scared, Billy.

Little Orphan Billy: Me too, Timmy.

(Crashing footsteps on the stairs)

Both little orphans: Nooooo, the mistress!!!!

(End scene)  

This edition of Over/Under is dedicated to all the Little Orphans who were beaten for staying up late on Monday waiting for me to post. May you find loving parents in heaven.

But now, alas, the show must go on:

• 0.5 - number of 100-steal seasons there will be in future seasons of Major League Baseball. This question goes out to Rickey Henderson, the greatest thief in baseball history, the best leadoff man to ever play the game, and the newest member of the Hall of Fame. Of all the unbreakable records in sports, Henderson's 1,406 career stolen bases has got to be in the top three. Only nine other players have stolen half as many bases as Rickey, and Lou Brock, his closest competitor, trails him by 468 swipes--or almost exactly half of Brock's total. Those 468 alone would be enough put Rickey in a tie for 41st all-time. It seems completely improbable that Rickey's career mark will be matched, so let's ask another question: will anyone ever touch triple-digits again? Henderson did it three times between 1980 and 1983, but since Vince Coleman bagged 109 thefts in 1987 (his third straight season over the century mark), no one has repeated the feat. Only Rickey himself has even sniffed 100 since then, stealing 93 the following year, but in the past twenty seasons, no player has managed even 80 steals. A month ago, it looked as if Carl Crawford had a shot (21 steals in May alone), but he's slowed down considerably and is now on pace for only 78. The game tends to fluctuate, and while the steal might sneak back in vogue, the current climate suggests 100-swipe men might be a thing of the past. OVER/UNDER?

• 3 - number of Jorts Guys it takes to win a party. Because no man is an island and no jorts stand alone. Because jorts derive power in numbers. Because every Jorts Guy deserves a Jorts Girl. Because while some may say that jorts are frivolous and decadent, the wasteful relic of an era in which yards of otherwise useful denim pant were discarded to create a single pair of jorts, others refuse to let jorts vanish from the earth. Kudos, Jorts Guys, and godspeed. OVER/UNDER?

• 4.5 - number of adulterous U.S. Presidents. Including Barack Obama, there have been 43 different Presidents, so that's the size of our pool.  For now, let's restrict this discussion to transgressions while in office only. Two--Bill Clinton and John F. Kennedy--are gimmes. After that, though, it gets interesting. A number of Presidents can be ruled out immediately because they didn't (or haven't yet) spent enough time in office: Obama, William Henry Harrison, James Garfield, and Zachary Taylor. Another one, James Buchanan, was a bachelor and by definition is exempt from this discussion. William Howard Taft was probably too fat to commit adultery. So, by my count, that leaves 2 in the YES column, 6 in the NO column, and 35 up for debate. My most likely candidate: Thomas Jefferson, because we know for a fact that homey loved the mocha lattes. OVER/UNDER?

• 10 - number of pounds I gain during the next calendar year. Exhibit A: I don't play a team sport anymore with regularity. Exhibit B: I'm on the verge of unemployment, which correlates to buying low-cost, high-calorie foods, like these staples of poverty. Ramen for breakfast, hot dogs for lunch, and a three-course McFeast for dinner? How long before I start looking like this and have to change my blogger handle to Fat Naked Warrior? Exhibit A for the defense: If I don't have enough money, I just won't eat. Exhibit B for the defense: No dining hall = no two-hour buffet binges. What's the tale of the waist? OVER/UNDER?

• 15.5 - minimum length of time, in weeks, someone must wait before hooking up with a friend's ex. Keeping this strictly confidential, I have a friend from back home who broke up with his girlfriend not-so-long ago. About six weeks later, a mutual friend of ours hooked it with my boy's ex-girlfriend. Now, I know some people believe that a friend's ex is strictly off-limits for good, but this is the 21st century, and people gotta live their lives. I get it, shit happens, we're all horny, all that. But when is too soon? I was pretty surprised to hear about this, which is what got me thinking. What other variables are involved? Obviously, it depends on how close your friend is to you, and how well you the knew them when they were a couple. Is there anything else that comes into play? How do you justify this? Would this piss you off, if you were the friend with the ex, or am I making too big a deal out of this? OVER/UNDER?

Alright, bros, that's it for now. I'm over and out.

RIP TIMMY AND BILLY

Over/Under, Volume IV

Well, another week has passed, meaning that the Earth has traveled 18,144,000 kilometers through space, your share of the National Debt has increased by $2, Scott Steiner has cheated death seven more times, and I've got a fresh batch of Over/Unders for all you starving guys and dolls. This volume's a doozy, but trust me, it's worth the read.

Get 'em while they hot...

• 7 - number of episodes of The T.O. Show that air before cancellation. We all knew that T.O. would find a way to stay in the spotlight despite playing in one of America's shittiest cities. What we didn't know was how. With his recent appearance on and subsequent elimination from ABC's Superstars--where he was outdone by such brilliant performers as the Doritos girl and Lightswitch Iglesias' older brother before being humiliated by his own teammate (maybe now he knows how Donovan McNabb feels)--we might have seen this coming. Recently, VH1 announced they were giving T.O. his own eponymous reality TV show, releasing this promotional picture specifically for the Makhtar demographic. In all honesty, reality TV might be a better medium for Owens' to express himself than football, given that reality TV and egomania--T.O.'s specialty--were made for each other. Owens doesn't need attention. He craves it to an extent that rivals physical dependence. For him, the prospect of playing in Buffalo must be similar to a crackhead quitting cold turkey, and The T.O. Show is a symptom of his withdrawal. In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, self-actualization rests at the top, and for Owens, self-actualization is contingent upon observation. Despite his enormous physical gifts (see: the promotional picture), Owens' insecurity is dwarfed only by his ego, and he expresses this insecurity through the need to be observed. Achievement isn't enough for him. He needs an audience to witness and revel in his feats or it's as if they didn't happen. If T.O. scores a touchdown, but nobody is around to see it, is it still worth six points? Remember in the movie Mystery Men how Kel's character, Invisible Boy, can only disappear when no one is looking? Owens, it seems, fears a similar fate--that when the cameras turn off and the fans go home, T.O. himself will disappear. This ill-fated reality show is just another attempt to stave off invisibility. Now, as for the show itself, its most obvious forebear is The Magic Hour, Magic Johnson's extremely brief and comically awful talk show. Magic was on the air for eight painful weeks, and his show is remembered as one of the worst of all-time. That's setting the bar pretty low, and The T.O. Show also has the advantage of being reality TV as opposed to a talk show, so Owens won't have to do anything live and will have the benefit of, I can only imagine, generous editing. Still, while making it through the first season seems a stretch, if Bret Michaels and Scott Baio can thrive on reality TV, literally anyone can. OVER/UNDER?   

• 56.5 - number of home runs by Albert Pujols this season. Albert the Great aka The Almighty Pujols is currently on pace for 59 dingers, and despite a sub-par showing in the Home Run Derby, has come blazing out of the gate in the second half. Homers, of course, are only part of Pujols' incredible game, and he was recently described by Bill James as possibly the perfect player. James is one of the most respected and innovative baseball analysts to ever crunch a number, so if he's making a claim like this, there's probably plenty of evidence. I won't bore you with the details, but if you're interested, mosey over to Pujols' page on Baseball-Reference and see for yourself. Coming off an an eight-year run that stacks up favorably with almost any in baseball history, Pujols is outdoing himself this season, leading the league in virtually every significant batting category outside of batting average, where he is third. His adjusted OPS (which reflects a player's contributions relative to the environment in which he performs, taking into account factors like ballpark and era) is currently the highest among non-juicers since Ted Williams and Mickey Mantle in 1957. When you add in the fact that he's a superb defender and a superior base-runner, it's easy to see where James is coming from. Barring a momentous upset, this will be Pujols' third MVP award, making him the only the third player ever to win three MVPs before the age of 30 (Stan "The Man" Musial and Barry "Backne" Bonds are the others). But can Pujols become the first clean player to touch 60 since Maris? OVER/UNDER?  

• 0.5 - number of articles posted on Fegonomics by Coach Coolbaugh in 2009. Like fellow coach and Fegonomics favorite Eric Taylor, Dean Coolbaugh hails from the Lone Star state, the steak-eatin'est, square-dancin'est, football-playin'est state in the upper forty-eight. Like Taylor, Coolbaugh came from humble means, paying his dues in high school ball before landing a dream job at his alma mater, Texas Tech. Taking over for reputed mad scientist Mike Leach, Coolbaugh made sweeping changes, eschewing the way Leach occasionally punted or refused to go for that extra TD to make it 48-3 with 0:12 remaining. The Red Raiders responded immediately to Coolbaugh's cutthroat attitude and folksy Texan sensibilities, and within a few seasons, Tech had registered a perfect season and claimed multiple National Titles. Coolbaugh, however, wasn't satisfied with his dominance, and eventually left his dream job for what many called a nightmare: the head coaching position at Northwestern. Insisting that this would be his greatest challenge and cement his legacy as college football's best coach, Coolbaugh took control of a Northwestern squad that hadn't won a bowl game since the Truman years, bringing along his longtime assistant and protege, Kenneth D. Hogensen. After a couple of lean years, people around college football began to question Coolbaugh's genius, but he would soon prove them wrong, completing another undefeated season and winning another National Title, the first in school history. After his victory, Coolbaugh shocked millions by announcing his retirement, saying that he had "nothing left to prove in this game or any other." In a surprise move, Coolbaugh accepted an offer to become a contributing editor at the upstart sports blog Fegonomics, a signing that was heralded at the time as a major coup for the young website. However, in almost nine months with the site, Coolbaugh has yet to produce a single article. While some believe this is one of the Coach's famous ploys, an attempt to lull the readership into a state of complacency before unleashing one of his patented gadget posts, skeptics have begun to question whether Coolbaugh has still got the chops. Time, it seems, will tell. OVER/UNDER?

• 145 - number of times Makhtar says "Don't Close" next weekend at Wildwood. While it is undeniable that I am the Progenitor of all mankind, the timeless father of humanity and ancestor to us all, even I am forced to admit that Makhtar is the progenitor of almost every stupidly addictive catch-phrase known to fegos. His talent is unparalleled. A hundred Phallus Coopers chained to a hundred typewriters with a hundred 30-racks of Natty Ice couldn't match Makhtar's prolific career. Already the creator of such standbys as "Striii," "OOOPS!!," "Waaaaaaaaaoow," "Oh, graaayt," and "lightswitch, bay-bay," he unveiled his latest prototype last night: "Don't close," taken from this video (VERY NSFW). Like so many before, the debut of "Don't close" was met with strong support, but does it have the legs of a "Striii" or will it burn itself out like "OOOPS!!"? Analysts agree that Wildwood will be a pivotal testing ground for the new phrase. OVER/UNDER?

• 16.5 - minimum age a girl must be for a guy to safely admit he thinks she's hot. This, my friends, is Wooderson's Dilemma, a question as old as these girls are young. Now, the name may be a misnomer, since clearly, Wooderson didn't have much of a dilemma. Regardless, this question is a tribute to him, because at some level, every guy is a Wooderson. Guys like younger girls. This is not up for debate. If you need any evidence, feel free to contact my friend RJ, and I'm sure he'll happily share with you Phannenstill's Corollary (possibly NSFW?). As an aside, a lot of girls like older guys, but I digress... Wooderson's Dilemma simply states that, as guys get older, the girls they are attracted to generally remain in the same age range. The reason this is a dilemma is because, when I was 18 and a senior in high school, I definitely thought there were some cute sophomore girls running around. They were 15 or 16, but hey, nobody thought it was skeevy at the time. Now, however, I'm 22, and if I were to express such an opinion in certain company, I'd elicit a reaction to the effect of "Dude, those girls are not old." So, to avoid being stigmatized, I keep my mouth shut, but if I'm honest with myself... some girls mature early, and... well, there are some still some cute sophomores running around. Yet, if I continue to believe this, society will judge me more and more harshly as I get older. By seventeen, there are some undeniably cute girls out there, and I might get away with saying so now--but what about when I'm 28? Does it become creepy then? If 18 is legal, does that mean it's fair game for guys of any age to admit a girl is hot? This issue has become far more complicated in recent years with more and more teenage girls becoming famous as jailbait sex symbols. Britney (age 16), Mandy (15), Miley (16)--RJ could write a thesis. Is the scale different for celebrity chicks? Why or why not? What I want to distinguish is where the line is drawn between the creepy, dangerous sketchballs--the Humbert Humberts--and the playful, harmless Woodersons. How old does she have to be before I can recognize her as a member of Babe Nation--and does it depend on how old I am? OVER/UNDER?

Looks like my job is done--the world made safe for fegos for at least another week. But will Scott Steiner be so lucky?

Over/Under, Volume III

Every day, attractive people of all genders, creeds and colors approach me with the same question: "Mr. Naked Warrior, sir, how do you come up with such fascinating Over/Unders?" This is usually followed by some sort of sexual proposition which, sadly, I'm forced to decline. 

The truth of it is--even I don't know. They just come to me. At work, in the shower, watching TV, swimming in the pool, whenever. I can't control it. Everybody's got a gift--Coolbaugh's smooth at trivia, Dream grows a mean dirty sanchez, even Makhtar's lightswitch is a fully-functioning Roto-Rooter--and mine happens to be Over/Unders. Lucky for all you fegos.

And, with that, we're off...

• 17.5 - number of technical fouls by Rasheed Wallace in 2009-10. Big Sheed, he of the bald spot and insatiable love of weed, has calmed down some since his Blazer days, when he set the record for technical fouls in 1999-00 with 38, only to break that record the very next year with 40. Still, he's been in the league's top three each of the last six seasons, with a high-water mark of 27 in 2004-05. Now, he's a member of the green and gold, meaning he's the newest lieutenant in KG's Army of Intensity. It seems to me this could go one of two ways: (1) Sheed is scared straight by KG's squeezing the air of a basketball during intrasquad practice and reforms his ways; (2) KG's intensity rubs off, but it has the opposite effect, and Sheed boils over like an unwatched pot. Regardless, the Celtics could use a little shake 'n bake, and Sheed's got it in spades. OVER/UNDER?

• 0.5 - number of high-fives for Juan Uribe after teammate Jonathan Sanchez threw a no-hitter. Sanchez, the least of the Giants' young flame-throwers, was thrust back into the rotation when Randy Johnson went on the DL for mullet withdrawal. Well, Sanchez did pretty good, throwing the first no-hitter of the 2009 season. Of course, it would've been even better, if not for the Giants shit-brick third baseman, Uribe. In the 8th inning, while working a perfect game--which would have been only the 16th of the modern era--Sanchez got Chase Headley to ground softly to third, where Uribe fumbled the ball like T-Wolf Bradley circa sophomore year. Now, I'm mostly an arm-chair third baseman, but I think Oden can confirm that this was a pretty routine play. Watch the video. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? Uribe, who is by all accounts a fat, moldy piece of shit, can't step up when his pitcher is five outs away from immortality and pitching in front of his father for the first time? Bravo, Juan, bravo. You just made my list of finalists for Fego of the Year. OVER/UNDER?

• 165 - number of minutes spent in the bathroom by Joey Chestnut on the Fourth of July. Chestnut--aka "The All-American Feedbag" aka "The Human Trough"--took home his third consecutive Mustard Belt in the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, consuming a record 68 snausage links in ten minutes. Afterward, the Chesty said he had room for more, setting his sights firmly on the Big Seven-Oh, once thought unreachable, the holy grail of hot dog eating. However, given that JC doesn't surge-and-purge like these worthless chodes, he must log some serious toilet time dropping those 68 kids off at the pool. My question is, how much? Chestnut is a power-eater--but is he a power-pooper? It takes me a solid 35 minutes to evacuate my system after eating at Golden Corral. Hell, Butters needs an hour after meals, easy, and that's when he doesn't eat dairy. How much can the human anus even handle? Is it like that episode of South Park where Stan's dad goes toe-to-toe with Bono? Are any of Chestnut's logs roasting on the open fire that is Mr. Poop? This real-life Chest Rockwell consumed almost 21,000 calories in one sitting, so how much can he poop? (BONUS FACT: His dad's name is Merlin Chestnut. Suck on that, Tim Duncan). OVER/UNDER?

• 9.5 - number of gay players currently on NFL rosters. This question might be considered an extension of the NBA virgins Over/Under, but really, it deserves its own discussion. Now, I don't think anyone would dispute that the NFL is generally regarded as the "manliest" of the four major sports, though this might be splitting hairs since they are all pretty fucking manly. What this manliness means, however, is potentially debatable. Yes, the game has its Travis Henrys, men who unabashedly impregnate different women in a stunning displays of virility and stupidity. At the same time, though, Queer Studies professors at liberal universities everywhere (don't worry, College of the Ozarks, I know you're good to go) have begun to speculate about the homo-erotic overtones inherent in male bonding and the locker room lifestyle, causing Makhtar to further question his sexuality as his examines the chiseled physiques of this week's Freaks. Statistically speaking, studies have shown that between 2 and 3 percent of the population admit to being openly gay, though there may be just as many who remain closeted for fear of being stigmatized. With almost 1,700 players on NFL rosters, some have to be light in the loafers (not that there's anything wrong with that). In 2007, John Amaechi became the first openly gay man to have played in the NBA, prompting Tim Hardaway to tarnish his outstanding reputation as a player by exposing himself as the black John Rocker. Methinks, despite the Hardaways of the world, an ex-NFL player isn't far from following in Amaechi's footsteps. (Note: there's actually already been one). OVER/UNDER?

• 38.5 - combined number of times the Jonas Brothers masturbate in an average week. I'll try to keep my comments as brief as possible, but for me, there's a lot to be said here. For those you without TV, without internet, without radio, and who go grocery shopping only at co-ops and farmers markets, the Jonas Brothers are the latest sensation created by the people at Disney responsible for corrupting America's youth. They consist of three members: Nick, the "talented" one; Joe, the frontman; and Kevin, the creepy one along for the ride. Nick, the youngest, is 15, while Joe and Kevin are 19 and 21, respectively. Now, ordinarily, Trips Right Jonas wouldn't be any more interesting than other shitty boy bands like O-Town, LFO, and Frosted Tips (look for them next fall!), save for one thing:

OMG!!@! WTF IS THAT AWESOMENESS??!/?

That, my fellow fegos, is a purity ring. We won't go into the specifics because, mercifully, the good people at South Park have already done that for us, but the basic idea is that wearing one signifies that you are foregoing sex until marriage. Now, okay, this is a basic Christian value. Well and good. And, you know, fine if Triforce Jonas wants to wait, I don't really care. It's even cool with me for Disney to manipulate little kids using the purity rings (see: the episode of SP). But here's what I wonder about: if Three Sheets to the Wind Jonas really aren't having sex, how often are they beating it? Because it must be fucking often. Like, seriously, two of them are probably beating it right now. Consider that this group is among the most popular in the country amongst girls ages 14-25. Thousands upon thousands of young girls pack their concerts on a nightly basis. They are newly minted Hollywood A-listers, despite their morals, and could probably be living an Entourage lifestyle if it wasn't for those fucking purity rings. Google "Jonas Crush" and you get 1,800,000 hits (just don't tell anyone you did it). These Jesus Freaks could be knee-deep if pussy, but... Frankly, I don't care how religious you are, that shit has got to gnaw at you day in and day out. God might give you comfort, but he doesn't give hand jobs. If you assume they each beat it once a day, we're already up to 27 times per week, but why stop there? Nick is 15, still in throes of puberty and hormones, and probably beats it at least twice a day. Joe's the most popular, as far as I can tell, and probably gets the most attention from hot female celebs his age. He's gotta be good for ten sessions per week. And then, of course, there's Kevin, the wild card. At 21, he's the elder Jonai, which means he's been putting up with not putting out for the longest time. Multiply that by the fact that he's the least recognizable, the creepiest, and the fact that he's gotta know his 15 minutes are rapidly dwindling, as he's clearly holding his brothers back. It's only a matter of time until Three's Company Jonas becomes Just the Two of Us Jonas, and he knows it. If he wants to capitalize on being famous and land some pussy that is undeniable out of his league- -cough Turtle cough--it has to be NOW. And he can't. And it must be KILLING him. As I see it, he could be anywhere from 15 to 30 chokes per week, and even that might not be enough. But enough analysis. Time to decide. OVER/UNDER?

Alright, brosefs, that's it for me. I'm out like Jeff Garcia leaving the closet.

(Addendum: apologize for some weird formatting. Actually, no, I don't. Fuck you guys).

Over/Under, Volume II

It's a new week, and you know what that means: a new set of Over/Unders for all you fegos out there.

Addendum to Volume I, courtesy of my girlfriend: an article indicating that Shaun Alexander was a virgin until 2002, when he wed his current wife, Valerie. Not only did the Alexanders abstain from sex, but even stranger, their first kiss wasn't until after their vows were spoken. Now, I know he's a football player and the question was about basketball, but--daaaaaamn. This evidence is definitely eye-opening, when you consider that Alexander went to the University of Alabama (maybe NSFW), and was starring in the NFL for two years before he earned his wings. Food for thought.

Second thing to note is that the fifth Over/Under in this set includes some spoiler information regarding the finale of Friday Night Lights' third season. If you are a fan of FNL but still haven't watched the last season in its entirety, which is really a contradiction in terms, skip the last Over/Under.

And now, let's ring the bell for round two:

• 8.5 - number of starts made by Matthew Stafford for the 2009 Detroit Lions. The Lions obviously loved Stafford enough to make him the number one overall pick, and they loved him enough to give him $41.7M in guaranteed money, but do they love him enough to make him hold the clipboard this season? The Lions are going to be a terrible, terrible team in 2009, whether or not Stafford plays major minutes. Detroit QBs were sacked 52 times last season, the second-most in the NFL, and its likely that whoever steps under center this year will be subjected to similar abuse. Why not let Daunte Culpepper absorb the brunt of this? Culpepper is a former fantasy darling, once projected by Makhtar to throw for 48 TDs and 4,900 yards, but at this point he's just an old, broken down piece of meat. It seems obvious that the Lions ought to heed the cautionary tale of David Carr, another number one pick who was immediately asked to right a sinking ship, only to end up a part of the wreckage. (Note: This commercial is probably the best thing to come out of David Carr's NFL career. Seriously. Also, isn't to funny to think that, at the time this commercial aired, both of the Clemenses were taking HGH? I bet they had to do a few takes because Roger kept accidentally crushing the glass of iced tea he's holding). Still, despite all this, there's every indication that fans, sportswriters, and even the Detroit brass want Stafford to win the starting job. If he does, it'll be about five weeks before he's wishing he was back in college, doing old-fashioned strength and conditioning. OVER/UNDER?

• 495 - number of days remaining on the Scott Steiner Doomsday Clock. I invented the SSDC about 18 months ago, and since Makhtar requested an update, this Over/Under goes out to him. The purpose of the Doomsday Clock is simple: to accurately predict how many days Scott Steiner, known affectionately by his fans as Big Poppa Pump, has to live. It's obvious he doesn't have long, and frankly, I'm surprised he's made it this far. He's a walking, talking, flesh balloon, inflated by every steroid and hormone known to man or beast. Just consider the before and after photos. Even Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa would be embarrassed. At its inception, the Doomsday Clock was around 1,000 days, and so I'd say a generous estimate puts his current death expectancy around Thanksgiving 2010. Enjoy yourself, Scott Steiner, because I'll be buying your Best of Big Poppa Pump Memorial DVD for Makhtar next Christmas. OVER/UNDER?

• 15,000,000 - number of domestic copies sold of a new Michael Jackson album. This is unconfirmed, but rumors are circulating that the late King of Pop had been working on a new album, his first since 2001. Collaborators have been said to include Akon, Kanye West, will.i.am, and possibly others. Given that Mike-love is at an all-time high--his weirdness in life forgiven but not forgotten in death--what type of sales might be expected from a posthumous album? I'm setting the bar awfully high, as 10 million copies is enough for diamond status, and 15 million would put the album even with classics like Born in the USA and Dark Side of the Moon. Still, when you consider the explosion of record sales in the wake of his death and the fact that Thriller remains the best-selling album of all-time, it's hard to bet against him. OVER/UNDER?

• 1.5 - number of sexual partners for Jessica Biel at Tufts University. This is a pretty interesting question and one that will never be answered to my satisfaction. Biel (maybe NSFW), who defies every stereotype about Tufts girls and was named the Sexiest Woman in the World by Esquire in 2005, attended Tufts for three semesters between 2000 and 2002. By the time she got to Tufts, she was already something of a star, having starred in 7th Heaven as a teenager, though her film career didn't take off until after she left. By the time I got to Tufts, her legacy was mostly forgotten, but I've heard whispers that her decision to take a year off and ultimately leave school was the result of some stalker-ish behavior. I also heard that, while living in Tilton as a freshman, she was treated as something of a spectacle, as football players would bring pre-frosh to see her as incentive to come to Tufts. Again, I'm not sure if any of this is really true, but it would certainly explain why she didn't want to remain in Medford. At any rate, my question is this: how many former Tufts students can honestly say they hooked it with the Sexiest Woman Alive? She was here for three semesters and, despite her celebrity status, must've had something resembling a normal college experience. While I can't imagine her dating anyone at Tufts, she must've gotten horny enough to go slumming once in a while, although it probably wasn't anything like this scene (maybe NSFW) from Rules of Attraction. OVER/UNDER?

(SPOILER ALERT)

• 2.5 - number of playoff victories by the East Dillon Lions in the upcoming season of Friday Night Lights. Clearly, the decision to bump Eric Taylor from Dillon High to East Dillon at the end of season three was a masterstroke by the FNL writers, who are among the best on TV. This was a move that had to be made. With Smash Williams and Jason Street long gone and Tim Riggins, Lyla Garrity, and Matt Saracen all moving on, the series had lost almost all of its original stars, with the exception of mainstays Eric and Tammi. They already fudged the ages once--Riggins and Lyla were seniors in Season One, juniors in Season Two, and a seniors again in Season Three--and couldn't afford to do it again. I mean, damn, how many years of eligibility can Riggins have? And how long can 28-year-old Taylor Kitsch be expected to play an 18-year-old farm boy with an advanced upper body? No, the show needed to grow, and that couldn't happen with the same setting and the same characters. That's the most interesting and unusual problem that FNL presents for its writers. Most shows follow the lives of people, meaning that they can change and grow with the characters, but FNL doesn't. Instead, it follows the life of a town--Dillon, Texas. Now, sure, Eric and Tammi are the main characters by default, but they are hardly the focus of the show. Remember in Season Two when Eric leaves to take the assistant coaching job at TMU? That didn't work in the long run because it took him out of Dillon. The series struggled that season in part because it's best and most effective character was isolated from the rest of the show. Eric Taylor isn't interesting enough to carry a series on his own. To be relevant, he needs Dillon, just like Dillon needs him. When characters leave Dillon, like Smash and Street have, they fade into obscurity, occasionally reappearing but remaining in the rearview mirror. This is tricky for the show, because it is constantly in need of new characters and can never rely on one character to carry the show for long, but it is also one of FNL's subtlest strengths. Unlike most TV shows, which run for years and years following the same characters in the same places, FNL is much more dynamic, more true to life. People don't stay in the same place for ten years. Friends don't live together, work together, get coffee together for ten years. People move. Jobs change. Life moves you. A show like Friends is comforting because it deludes you into believing you can live across the hall from your buddies forever. Scrubs gives you hope that you and your best friend can stick together--through college, through med school, through residency--and eventually end up working in the same place. FNL is different. It embraces the fact that people come and go through life, that as close as you might be to someone in a certain place or time, Texas doesn't last Forever. The only constant is Dillon, where the people change but the town stays the same, which makes the show so compelling. By moving Eric across town, Friday Night Lights has given itself a new lease on life, a new school with a new team and all new characters in the town we have come to know and love. The question now becomes: how far can he can lead them? This Over/Under assumes that East Dillon will make it to State--I can't imagine the writers will let them fall short of that--but how far can they go? The Texas State playoffs have four rounds: Regional Playoffs, Quarterfinals, Semifinals, and Finals. Four wins is a State Title. In his first two seasons as Coach, Eric has been to the State Finals twice, winning one and losing one (Season Two was cut short before State). Can he make it back a third time? Is it too unrealistic for the fledgling Lions to make the State Finals? Clearly, the football is the least realistic aspect of FNL, but this would be an especially tall order for a first-year team. Two wins means they lose in the semis, so if you take the over, you think Coach T is up the task. I know I can't wait to find out. OVER/UNDER?

Volume II is in the books, chodes. Get after it.

Over/Under, Volume I

In an attempt to breathe life back into this blog, I've resolved to write a weekly column, and this here is the inaugural edition of "Over/Under."

The premise is pretty simple: each week, I'm going to pick five pieces of miscellanea, and set an over/under line based on my analysis. My hope is that everyone else involved with this blog will weigh in as to whether they are taking the over or the under. As always, this will be restricted to sports and stupid shit, and is primarily designed to encourage participation in the blog.

And now, without further ado, let's get to this week's Over/Unders:

• 27.5 - number of touchdowns thrown by Tom Brady in 2009. With the exception of his 2007 MVP season, Brady has averaged around 25 touchdown tosses per year, but never been above 28. While Mr. Bundchen appears to be healthy again, speculation about his productivity has been rampant all off-season, and will be a major story on fantasy football forums all year. It's hard to imagine Brady will approach his record-breaking 2007, and equally hard to imagine that His Royal Hotness won't exceed Matt Cassel's 21 TD passes given that the Patriots' offense is mostly intact, so he'll probably fall somewhere in between. OVER/UNDER?

• 0.5 - number of virgins currently playing in the NBA. This over/under is inspired by Portland-born, ex-Laker power forward A.C. Green, a bona fide glassman and admitted virgin. Now that Green has retired from the NBA to promote teen abstinence (seriously), my question is: has he been replaced? Are there any NBA virgins? On the one hand, NBA players are almost universally rich, super-athletic, and famous. Each of these traits is usually enough to drop a pair of panties by itself, but together, it seems inconceivable that any NBA baller would not have been initiated into manhood at some point. And yet, NBA players are younger now than they were in A.C.'s day, and is it plausible that some foreign-born draft prodigy entered the NBA before entering a woman? Some cultures are less permissive when it comes to premarital sex. Also, would anyone actually have sex with this? OVER/UNDER?

• 14 - number of additional weeks that Makhtar hangs onto the Agrazn's Hatch jersey. I didn't even notice this, but according to my sources, the jersey in question is still hanging in Makhtar's bathroom, some eight months after their breakup. And, if my source is right, she wants it back, but probably doesn't know how to ask because she's not good at expressing her emotions. Seriously, dude, WTF is that thing still doing in your bathroom? Do you try it on from time to time and look at yourself in the mirror, posing and flexing, faking backhand hucks and IO breaks like some overgrown she-male Buzz Bullet? Come on. OVER/UNDER?

• 3.5 - length, in inches, of platinum recording artist Enrique Iglesias' penis. As some of you may remember, the Latin heartthrob accidentally let the world know that he's hiding a lightswitch, baby! beneath those tight pants. He later tried to retract this statement, but if there's one thing you can't take back, it's admitting you've got a microscopic diack. Some cursory internet research revealed that LifeStyle condoms, who offered Enrique a deal worth $1M to be the image of their new line of extra small jimmy hats, conducted a "study" of college students on Spring Break in Cancun to determined the average size of the erect frat-boy pork sword. Since LifeStyle is a notoriously disreputable brand, these results aren't necessarily valid, especially since 400 of these guys isn't exactly an indicative sampling of the population at large. Still, the average was apparently between 5" and 6", which gives us something to work with. If normal condoms are honestly so big on Iglesias that he feels the need to find a different size all together, then we have to assume he isn't within two or three standard deviations of normal, meaning that he's probably somewhere in the 2" to 4" range. Now, he's been able to hold onto Anna Kournikova for over six years, so you know he's either got a magic tongue or she sleeps with the yard boy like Eva Longoria in Desperate Housewives. OVER/UNDER?

• 299.5 - number of future MLB home runs by 16-year-old Las Vegas high schooler Bryce Harper. Like many of you, I wasn't aware of Harper's existence until a few weeks ago, when Sports Illustrated made him the youngest baseball player to ever grace its cover. The article, which is a phenomenal read whether or not you like baseball, basically says that Harper defies comparison when it comes to baseball prospects. He's apparently more developed at 16 than Ken Griffey Jr., Alex Rodriguez, and Justin Upton were at 18. I mean, good God, just look at him--he could pass for 25 right now. Not to mention he already holds the record for longest home run ever hit in Tampa Bay's Tropicana Field (502 feet) and allegedly hit one that traveled more than 570 feet. Of course, none of this guarantees future success, but scouts are so baffled by his ability that they've abandoned baseball completely in search of a realistic comparison. The best they've done? LeBron James. If you watch the kid play, it's apparent he's for real, but how real? Baseball is less projectable than any other sport and there's more room for anyone, even a prodigy like Harper, to fall short. Many people would probably say 300 home runs is selling his talent short, but remember, just that many would put him in the top 10 all-time amongst catchers (if he stays behind the plate) and probably be enough to enshrine him in Cooperstown. OVER/UNDER? 

So that's your first edition of Over/Under. Let the debates begin.