Over/Under, Vol IX: Don't Call it a Comeback

After allowing myself an Oden-esque lapse in productivity, let it be known that the Last Naked Warrior is making his triumphant return to the world of fegos.

Did you miss me, suckas?

• 17 - people excitedly awaiting the debut of The Cleveland Show. "From the people who brought you Joey and that show starring the chick from Grey's Anatomy, it's... The Cleveland Show!" How did this get green-lit? "You know, that Tyler Perry fella is doing awfully well with all those shows about fat, black families. Is he under contract? He is? Well, do we have any black people at this network? Wait a minute..." So now, if America Dad wasn't enough, we get further proof that Seth MacFarlane has too much time on his hands. OVER/UNDER?

• 6.5 - seasons until the Pittsburgh Pirates post a winning record. Much has been made of the Pirates recently--unfortunately, the first noteworthy thing they've done in years was to set a record for the most consecutive losing seasons of any professional American franchise in any sports. That would be 17 straight. Rather than bore you with the details of the streak, I'd rather look to the future, though it remains as dark as Makhtar's dating prospects. They've got Andrew McCutchen, who actually looks like the real deal, in center field. They've got Pedro Alvarez (I like the guy chanting "over-rated"--oops), their first impact bat since Brian Giles or even Barry Bonds, on his way up--he'll probably arrive in Pittsburgh sometime next season for a cup of coffee. They've got--well, they still have no pitching to speak of, but that could change. At the very least, they've got a GM--Neal Huntington--who actually knows what a baseball team is supposed to look like, as opposed to Cam Bonifay, who won The Sporting News Executive of the Year in 1997 when he was the only GM in attendance at the editor-in-chief's birthday party. Huntington helped build the Cleveland Indians into a pennant contender--can he do the same for the Pirates? Normally, a rebuilding plan takes about 5 years to bear fruit. Pittsburgh has a bit of a head start and I'm giving them an extra year. Can they finish in the black by 2015? OVER/UNDER?

• 100,000 - gay New Yorkers who have a boner for Mark Sanchez. I have to admit, he's pretty good looking dude. Look out, Matt Ryan, someone may be gaining on you. OVER/UNDER?

• 9 - statutory rapes committed by Mr. Anthony "Cris" Collinsworth. Some of you are probably outraged at this Over/Under: "Warrior, I know you play by your own rules, but this time you've gone too far. Besmirching the name of Collinsworth? He is an honorable, decent man, and an excellent color commentator." The rest of you, no doubt, have already seen this video:

Whoopsie! Let's break the tape down, Collinsworth-style:

On why girls like him: "Probably because of the money, and I'm not gonna deny it, I walk around with hundred-dollar bills hanging out of my pockets usually, and try to give it my best shot."

On his success with women: "Before I ever made any money, it was pretty much a big nothingsville."

On his type of woman: "I like girls that aren't too bright because you can trick 'em a little bit."

On his target demographic: "The punk rockers all love me, those are my big girls. And high school girls love me."

On Wooderson's Dilemma: "Fourteen to eighteen, I'm a big star with them. As soon as they mature, after about 18 years old, they start figuring out that, 'Hey, wait a minute, I know there's better than that out there.'"

So, to recap, Toine Collinsworth he needs money to get women, has no problem luring them with hundred-dollar bills, prefers stupid girls so that they are easily tricked, and happily exploits his popularity with high school girls.

Those are four pretty damning admissions in the space of about 60 seconds. My first question, I think, is pretty fundamental: How in the hell did this ever seem like a good idea? Who would admit to this kind of stuff? Did they get Colly drunk? From the look of it, he's drunk on his own sense of power and entitlement, having just seduced the libero from the Blessed Sacrament volleyball team earlier that afternoon. I understand that the '80s were a permissive decade. I'm even willing to give our boy the benefit of the doubt that he was manipulated by that frosty-hair reportrix and taken out of context. It's plausible that he was tricked into saying some of this, though improbable, since apparently Collinsworth is the Houdini of high school tail (His favorite illusion? The famous It's okay, I've had a vasectomy).

Even granting that, however, he readily admitted to being a "big star" with 14-year-old girls. Even by the Wooderson Standard, that's young, especially when apparently you're capping it at 18-year-olds. Why did they even show him hanging out at a bar with those quintessentially '80s floozies? Why not show him hanging around Cincinnati Central High on a Friday afternoon, leaning against a chain link fence in shades and a leather jacket, leafing through crisp $100s as he waits for field hockey practice to end?

It seems inevitable, given this information, that Toph Collinsworth probably enjoyed some very rare meat in his heyday. The question I ask you is: how much? (It should be noted that Collinsworth has apologized since this video leaked. Whatever.) OVER/UNDER?

• 25 - percentage of professional athletes that have solicited a prostitute. To me, this is the other major fallout from Colly's Folly, and I want to example the implications. Basically, Collinsworth just confirmed what we already knew, that people with a lot of money use that money to get sex. Now, normally, the transaction probably isn't as direct as CashForHookers.sex. I mean, sometimes it is, but oftentimes its probably more along the Coll-lines of having hundreds dripping off your person. Still, if you're that committed in your pursuit of hot underage ass and you have no shame, chances are that at some point you're going to pay for sex. It's easier, more discrete, and probably less expensive than serving 3-5 for blasting some girl the day her braces come off. Now, of course, some athletes are happily married. Others are super religious. And the rest of them, shit, why would they pay a hooker when they can just pick up a skank from the hotel bar? Well, to me, it's about convenience, quality, and the security of anonymity. Famous people are comfortable exchanging goods for services rendered. If you pick up a random floozy, she's in it to fuck a famous guy, and the next day there are pictures of you with a bunch of B- girls in a hot tub. A hooker, on the other hand, isn't going to post any pictures. She's not gonna go telling people. A hooker keeps her mouth shut, not just because that's part of what you pay for, but also because what she does is fucking illegal. Her livelihood is based on secrecy and discretion. Just, you know, make sure she's a hooker. OVER/UNDER?

That's right, bitches. I'm baaaaaaaaaack.