It's Monday, July 27th, 2009, a dark and stormy night somewhere in New England. Outside The Ugly Duckling orphanage, lightning splits the sky, and a cold wind whips through an old apple orchard. Inside, two frail boys are huddled around a computer screen, clutching each other for warmth. Suddenly, the old grandfather clock strikes twelve ominous times.
Little Orphan Billy: What... what's going on, Timmy?
Little Orphan Timmy: I don't know--I--where is it?
(Little Orphan Timmy begins to cry)
Little Orphan Billy: Quiet, Timmy! You'll wake the mistress!
Little Orphan Timmy: Just... (sniff)... just click refresh--maybe there's an update.
(Little Orphan Billy refreshes the screen, and as the old dial-up modem churns away, they cling to each other, sending Little Orphan prayers up into the ether)
Little Orphan Timmy: Something's coming on the screen! Read it, Billy!
Little Orphan Billy: "We interrupt your regularly scheduled--"... No!!! It's not here!
(Little Orphan Timmy cries inconsolably)
Little Orphan Billy: But it's Monday! Where--where are the Over/Unders? What's become of Mr. Naked Warrior?
Little Orphan Timmy: I'm scared, Billy.
Little Orphan Billy: Me too, Timmy.
(Crashing footsteps on the stairs)
Both little orphans: Nooooo, the mistress!!!!
(End scene)
But now, alas, the show must go on:
- 0.5 - number of 100-steal seasons there will be in future seasons of Major League Baseball. This question goes out to Rickey Henderson, the greatest thief in baseball history, the best leadoff man to ever play the game, and the newest member of the Hall of Fame. Of all the unbreakable records in sports, Henderson's 1,406 career stolen bases has got to be in the top three. Only nine other players have stolen half as many bases as Rickey, and Lou Brock, his closest competitor, trails him by 468 swipes--or almost exactly half of Brock's total. Those 468 alone would be enough put Rickey in a tie for 41st all-time. It seems completely improbable that Rickey's career mark will be matched, so let's ask another question: will anyone ever touch triple-digits again? Henderson did it three times between 1980 and 1983, but since Vince Coleman bagged 109 thefts in 1987 (his third straight season over the century mark), no one has repeated the feat. Only Rickey himself has even sniffed 100 since then, stealing 93 the following year, but in the past twenty seasons, no player has managed even 80 steals. A month ago, it looked as if Carl Crawford had a shot (21 steals in May alone), but he's slowed down considerably and is now on pace for only 78. The game tends to fluctuate, and while the steal might sneak back in vogue, the current climate suggests 100-swipe men might be a thing of the past. OVER/UNDER?
- 3 - number of Jorts Guys it takes to win a party. Because no man is an island and no jorts stand alone. Because jorts derive power in numbers. Because every Jorts Guy deserves a Jorts Girl. Because while some may say that jorts are frivolous and decadent, the wasteful relic of an era in which yards of otherwise useful denim pant were discarded to create a single pair of jorts, others refuse to let jorts vanish from the earth. Kudos, Jorts Guys, and godspeed. OVER/UNDER?
- 4.5 - number of adulterous U.S. Presidents. Including Barack Obama, there have been 43 different Presidents, so that's the size of our pool. For now, let's restrict this discussion to transgressions while in office only. Two--Bill Clinton and John F. Kennedy--are gimmes. After that, though, it gets interesting. A number of Presidents can be ruled out immediately because they didn't (or haven't yet) spent enough time in office: Obama, William Henry Harrison, James Garfield, and Zachary Taylor. Another one, James Buchanan, was a bachelor and by definition is exempt from this discussion. William Howard Taft was probably too fat to commit adultery. So, by my count, that leaves 2 in the YES column, 6 in the NO column, and 35 up for debate. My most likely candidate: Thomas Jefferson, because we know for a fact that homey loved the mocha lattes. OVER/UNDER?
- 10 - number of pounds I gain during the next calendar year. Exhibit A: I don't play a team sport anymore with regularity. Exhibit B: I'm on the verge of unemployment, which correlates to buying low-cost, high-calorie foods, like these staples of poverty. Ramen for breakfast, hot dogs for lunch, and a three-course McFeast for dinner? How long before I start looking like this and have to change my blogger handle to Fat Naked Warrior? Exhibit A for the defense: If I don't have enough money, I just won't eat. Exhibit B for the defense: No dining hall = no two-hour buffet binges. What's the tale of the waist? OVER/UNDER?
- 15.5 - minimum length of time, in weeks, someone must wait before hooking up with a friend's ex. Keeping this strictly confidential, I have a friend from back home who broke up with his girlfriend not-so-long ago. About six weeks later, a mutual friend of ours hooked it with my boy's ex-girlfriend. Now, I know some people believe that a friend's ex is strictly off-limits for good, but this is the 21st century, and people gotta live their lives. I get it, shit happens, we're all horny, all that. But when is too soon? I was pretty surprised to hear about this, which is what got me thinking. What other variables are involved? Obviously, it depends on how close your friend is to you, and how well you the knew them when they were a couple. Is there anything else that comes into play? How do you justify this? Would this piss you off, if you were the friend with the ex, or am I making too big a deal out of this? OVER/UNDER?
Alright, bros, that's it for now. I'm over and out.
RIP TIMMY AND BILLY
1. I'm going to take the over here. While I'm sure that Rickey thinks there's no one like Rickey thats going to come around again, I can't help but think that, like in other sports, athletes won't continue to keep getting faster. While I recognize that speed doesn't necessarily correlate with SBs (actual baserunning ability and managerial strategy are big factors), I have to assume that someone else will come along at some point, though I'm not sure that that person is in the league currently.
ReplyDelete2. I think this partially depends on the party. Wildwood was a good example of using force in numbers, given the sheer size of the party itself. However I would say that your average run-of-the-mill house party can be won by a duo. Perhaps the question is how many Jorts Guys per 50 people are necessary?
3. Over. Way, way, way, way over. Do you know how many people in politics have affairs? First, account for the fact that pre-Watergate, the media was largely happy to respect the privacy of politicians personal lives (which is why Kennedy's affairs, though now largely known, were kept under wraps by a friendly press. The man was fucking Marilyn Monroe! This would be like the equivalent of President Obama tagging Megan Fox and hi-fiving every dude on the street, not even slightly hiding it). Now the reasons for why this happened/happens (see: Sanford, Mark or Clinton, William Jefferson), are probably varied, but I think it has a lot to do with the nature of politics and campaigning. Campaigns, particularly of the national variety, mean that candidates very rarely get to spend time with their family, namely their wives. As a result, they spend a lot of time with nubile young aides/coeds who are in love with their public persona, as opposed to their private persona, which is typically a lot more complicated. Their wives = private, generally less cool. Their mistresses = public, the coolest fucking guys in the room. (in retrospect, sorry for the essay there)
4. Tough question. Its the balance of "not eating anything" vs. "when you do eat, eating pure shit for you." I tend to think that it will be over, just to make feel better when I'm over, but I would also base that on the fact that you will eventually have an income (I hope) but you will still be eating hot dogs and spaghetti (if not more, because you live with T-Wolf now, and that is his favorite food).
5. This is a great question because there is such variability on it, particularly depending on what side of the relationship you're on. Now, when i am the one who is the ex, i'm always more likely say it should be over, though 15.5 might be a little high (depends on the length of the relationship itself). Now i've definitely had a friend of mine hook up with an ex-gf about a month and a half after we broke up and I was definitely not pleased, but I also got over it. However, I myself am always one to err on the side of caution, so I'd usually give it about 2 months (if it was like a 6 month relationship). If it was like a 2 year relationship, I don't even know. I probably wouldn't touch it until you were like no longer in touch with the dude or something. Thats definitely a dangerous play.
1) Under. Way too many. Unless the pirates draft Usain Bolt with the intention of pinch running him every game so he could steal 3 bases per game. All for the publicity. Oh wait, that requires a baserunner.
ReplyDelete2) 1. It requires 1 to win. There's no I in Jorts, but there is in denim. Obviously, the trounce is on if there's more than one.
3) I don't care.
4) Under. But only because you'll remember this shit and panic starve yourself to get the under.
5) The grace period is 10 percent of the time the "relationship" took place. 100 day relationship, 10 days. Maximum of 1 month for long term relationships. Of course you guys are gonna all say Longer. Longer. But that's why I'm the sleazer.
1. Over. If the Phoenix Suns gorilla can bash over 50 homers, anything is possible.
ReplyDelete2. Push. Just one jorts guy and you look like this. Two jorts guys are a bunch of fegos. But three is a fucking power trio. Aight aight, two of those chicks are in jean skirts, but do you really blame me?
3. Over. With great power comes great responsibility. Responsibility in this case means toning and boning all the upper enchelon girls you want. What you would pass up smashing this Princess Milf?
4. I'm hoping over. You may be wondering what's with the schadenfreude? Well I'm not so secretly hoping that you balloon up to biggie size so our wildwood team can be called "Chubby" and the Jorts Guys".
5. I'd say wait until your friend is smashing another girl from behind. At that point he has no justification to be angry.
1. Over. Have to take the over if we are talking the rest of eternity. You gotta think at if baseball sticks around at some point it will evolve in such a way that there will be someone who steals that much. It may not happen for a 100 years even, which might as well be forever. I'm just looking at this from a pure betting perspective. I can't articulate this any better so I'll move on.
ReplyDelete2. Under. One or two alpha jorts dogs can definitely handle it. Ideally you want 7 though.
3. As I've mentioned to you, LNW, I agree with the Coach that it's waaaaaaay over. I would set the over/under of not being adulterous at 1.5 and that's because of the one dude who wasn't married. President of the United States...pussy rains on you. I bet 85% cheat within the first week, 92% the first month, 99% the first year. We could make casper the president and the dentist the vp and they'd still reel in more tail than CT at the National Collegiate Cheerleading Championships. I feel very strongly about this.
4. Under. The summer I worked out twice a day and you sat on your ass until the last week you still were in 5 times better shape than me. I hate you.
5. I definitely go case by case basis. If I was the one with the ex I would need to be over the chick before I could be cool with it. A good rule of thumb for that, like Makhtar said, is finding the next chick. Like when Mikey meets Heather Graham in Swingers. I generally try to judge that when it's my buddy's ex. Sometimes I just ask. The time factor comes in at the end as a sort of smell test. It will give me extra peace of mind if it's been 6 months. Time has never really stopped me though. If it's your homeboy you can definitely get a good read about whether he'll care. If it's someone I'm just friendly with...I wait a week. Unless she throws herself at me.
1.Under. If Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez couldn't surpass the record in PF Flyers, than no mortal will ever accomplish the feat again.
ReplyDelete2. I'll pass on this until I graduate from Jampers (jean pampers?) and officially get my All-Inclusive Jorts Midnight Society membership.
3. Apparently the consensus is over, so then what about our current leader? How long before you think he succumbs to the enticement of hershey blacks? How many months before he invites Halle Berry to the white house to "congratulate" her riveting performance as Catwoman?
4. A human male typically needs 2000-2200 calories/day, and let's say you bump that to 3000 for poor habits. If you wanted to go the JoBro route, Wikianswers boasts a modest 25-35 calories per 20 min of masturbatory action...you can do the math.
5. I'm gonna be the flaming conservative and go over, but more preferably never. Unless you've been fantasizing about Backdoorsluts 9ing your friend's asscandy secretly, why bother with any baggage that might ensue? You never know when there's a Ross/Rachel relationship brewing underneath, that on-again off again shit.