Get 'em while they hot...
- 7 - number of episodes of The T.O. Show that air before cancellation. We all knew that T.O. would find a way to stay in the spotlight despite playing in one of America's shittiest cities. What we didn't know was how. With his recent appearance on and subsequent elimination from ABC's Superstars--where he was outdone by such brilliant performers as the Doritos girl and Lightswitch Iglesias' older brother before being humiliated by his own teammate (maybe now he knows how Donovan McNabb feels)--we might have seen this coming. Recently, VH1 announced they were giving T.O. his own eponymous reality TV show, releasing this promotional picture specifically for the Makhtar demographic. In all honesty, reality TV might be a better medium for Owens' to express himself than football, given that reality TV and egomania--T.O.'s specialty--were made for each other. Owens doesn't need attention. He craves it to an extent that rivals physical dependence. For him, the prospect of playing in Buffalo must be similar to a crackhead quitting cold turkey, and The T.O. Show is a symptom of his withdrawal. In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, self-actualization rests at the top, and for Owens, self-actualization is contingent upon observation. Despite his enormous physical gifts (see: the promotional picture), Owens' insecurity is dwarfed only by his ego, and he expresses this insecurity through the need to be observed. Achievement isn't enough for him. He needs an audience to witness and revel in his feats or it's as if they didn't happen. If T.O. scores a touchdown, but nobody is around to see it, is it still worth six points? Remember in the movie Mystery Men how Kel's character, Invisible Boy, can only disappear when no one is looking? Owens, it seems, fears a similar fate--that when the cameras turn off and the fans go home, T.O. himself will disappear. This ill-fated reality show is just another attempt to stave off invisibility. Now, as for the show itself, its most obvious forebear is The Magic Hour, Magic Johnson's extremely brief and comically awful talk show. Magic was on the air for eight painful weeks, and his show is remembered as one of the worst of all-time. That's setting the bar pretty low, and The T.O. Show also has the advantage of being reality TV as opposed to a talk show, so Owens won't have to do anything live and will have the benefit of, I can only imagine, generous editing. Still, while making it through the first season seems a stretch, if Bret Michaels and Scott Baio can thrive on reality TV, literally anyone can. OVER/UNDER?
- 56.5 - number of home runs by Albert Pujols this season. Albert the Great aka The Almighty Pujols is currently on pace for 59 dingers, and despite a sub-par showing in the Home Run Derby, has come blazing out of the gate in the second half. Homers, of course, are only part of Pujols' incredible game, and he was recently described by Bill James as possibly the perfect player. James is one of the most respected and innovative baseball analysts to ever crunch a number, so if he's making a claim like this, there's probably plenty of evidence. I won't bore you with the details, but if you're interested, mosey over to Pujols' page on Baseball-Reference and see for yourself. Coming off an an eight-year run that stacks up favorably with almost any in baseball history, Pujols is outdoing himself this season, leading the league in virtually every significant batting category outside of batting average, where he is third. His adjusted OPS (which reflects a player's contributions relative to the environment in which he performs, taking into account factors like ballpark and era) is currently the highest among non-juicers since Ted Williams and Mickey Mantle in 1957. When you add in the fact that he's a superb defender and a superior base-runner, it's easy to see where James is coming from. Barring a momentous upset, this will be Pujols' third MVP award, making him the only the third player ever to win three MVPs before the age of 30 (Stan "The Man" Musial and Barry "Backne" Bonds are the others). But can Pujols become the first clean player to touch 60 since Maris? OVER/UNDER?
- 0.5 - number of articles posted on Fegonomics by Coach Coolbaugh in 2009. Like fellow coach and Fegonomics favorite Eric Taylor, Dean Coolbaugh hails from the Lone Star state, the steak-eatin'est, square-dancin'est, football-playin'est state in the upper forty-eight. Like Taylor, Coolbaugh came from humble means, paying his dues in high school ball before landing a dream job at his alma mater, Texas Tech. Taking over for reputed mad scientist Mike Leach, Coolbaugh made sweeping changes, eschewing the way Leach occasionally punted or refused to go for that extra TD to make it 48-3 with 0:12 remaining. The Red Raiders responded immediately to Coolbaugh's cutthroat attitude and folksy Texan sensibilities, and within a few seasons, Tech had registered a perfect season and claimed multiple National Titles. Coolbaugh, however, wasn't satisfied with his dominance, and eventually left his dream job for what many called a nightmare: the head coaching position at Northwestern. Insisting that this would be his greatest challenge and cement his legacy as college football's best coach, Coolbaugh took control of a Northwestern squad that hadn't won a bowl game since the Truman years, bringing along his longtime assistant and protege, Kenneth D. Hogensen. After a couple of lean years, people around college football began to question Coolbaugh's genius, but he would soon prove them wrong, completing another undefeated season and winning another National Title, the first in school history. After his victory, Coolbaugh shocked millions by announcing his retirement, saying that he had "nothing left to prove in this game or any other." In a surprise move, Coolbaugh accepted an offer to become a contributing editor at the upstart sports blog Fegonomics, a signing that was heralded at the time as a major coup for the young website. However, in almost nine months with the site, Coolbaugh has yet to produce a single article. While some believe this is one of the Coach's famous ploys, an attempt to lull the readership into a state of complacency before unleashing one of his patented gadget posts, skeptics have begun to question whether Coolbaugh has still got the chops. Time, it seems, will tell. OVER/UNDER?
- 145 - number of times Makhtar says "Don't Close" next weekend at Wildwood. While it is undeniable that I am the Progenitor of all mankind, the timeless father of humanity and ancestor to us all, even I am forced to admit that Makhtar is the progenitor of almost every stupidly addictive catch-phrase known to fegos. His talent is unparalleled. A hundred Phallus Coopers chained to a hundred typewriters with a hundred 30-racks of Natty Ice couldn't match Makhtar's prolific career. Already the creator of such standbys as "Striii," "OOOPS!!," "Waaaaaaaaaoow," "Oh, graaayt," and "lightswitch, bay-bay," he unveiled his latest prototype last night: "Don't close," taken from this video (VERY NSFW). Like so many before, the debut of "Don't close" was met with strong support, but does it have the legs of a "Striii" or will it burn itself out like "OOOPS!!"? Analysts agree that Wildwood will be a pivotal testing ground for the new phrase. OVER/UNDER?
- 16.5 - minimum age a girl must be for a guy to safely admit he thinks she's hot. This, my friends, is Wooderson's Dilemma, a question as old as these girls are young. Now, the name may be a misnomer, since clearly, Wooderson didn't have much of a dilemma. Regardless, this question is a tribute to him, because at some level, every guy is a Wooderson. Guys like younger girls. This is not up for debate. If you need any evidence, feel free to contact my friend RJ, and I'm sure he'll happily share with you Phannenstill's Corollary (possibly NSFW?). As an aside, a lot of girls like older guys, but I digress... Wooderson's Dilemma simply states that, as guys get older, the girls they are attracted to generally remain in the same age range. The reason this is a dilemma is because, when I was 18 and a senior in high school, I definitely thought there were some cute sophomore girls running around. They were 15 or 16, but hey, nobody thought it was skeevy at the time. Now, however, I'm 22, and if I were to express such an opinion in certain company, I'd elicit a reaction to the effect of "Dude, those girls are not old." So, to avoid being stigmatized, I keep my mouth shut, but if I'm honest with myself... some girls mature early, and... well, there are some still some cute sophomores running around. Yet, if I continue to believe this, society will judge me more and more harshly as I get older. By seventeen, there are some undeniably cute girls out there, and I might get away with saying so now--but what about when I'm 28? Does it become creepy then? If 18 is legal, does that mean it's fair game for guys of any age to admit a girl is hot? This issue has become far more complicated in recent years with more and more teenage girls becoming famous as jailbait sex symbols. Britney (age 16), Mandy (15), Miley (16)--RJ could write a thesis. Is the scale different for celebrity chicks? Why or why not? What I want to distinguish is where the line is drawn between the creepy, dangerous sketchballs--the Humbert Humberts--and the playful, harmless Woodersons. How old does she have to be before I can recognize her as a member of Babe Nation--and does it depend on how old I am? OVER/UNDER?
Looks like my job is done--the world made safe for fegos for at least another week. But will Scott Steiner be so lucky?
