Over/Under, Volume VII

In many cultures, the number 7 is considered lucky, a phenomenon I have never understood. The whole idea of lucky numbers is untenable, but beyond that, there's just nothing about 7 that makes it special.

Since this is nominally a sports blog, let's considered some famous number 7s in sports, shall we? Alcoholic. Pussy. Dog-killer. Horse-face. A bunch of fegos, if you ask me. And, speaking of shitty number 7s, what about son-of-a-horse-face? This dode not only has his own website--totally undeserved in the first place--but check it out: it's .org. I know that the internet is pretty informal, and that .com, .net, and .org and virtually interchangeable in many respects, but come on--jackelway.org? Really? It may have fallen by the wayside, but originally, the .org designation was intended for non-profit organizations, not over-privileged pieces of shit like Ken Doll-way here. Ask our Colorado correspondent, Mr. N'Diaye, and he'll confirm that Li'l Seabiscuit has been profiting from his famous name for some time (see: his facebook pics). As a fellow member of the Aryan race, I'm ashamed to share fair skin, blue eyes, and blonde hair with this turd. He looks like the orgy child of Patches O'houlihan, Barbaro, and Sarah Jessica Parker, liberally seasoned with all the learning disabilities of the rainbow. The best reason why that website is a crock of shit, though, is that he doesn't even play football anymore! I won't be the first to speculate where he's spending his newfound, chlamydiae-riddled free time.

Given all this, it's hard to see why the number 7 gets special treatment. In fact, like many of you, I feel a little sorry for 7, having to associate with such high-octane douche bags. But fear not, number 7, for your moment of glory has arrived: five nugs of the dankest, stickiest, ickiest Over/Unders south of B.C., and they've got your number on 'em. Drink it in, 7, it don't get any better:

• 0.5 - number of boob jobs for Kelly Hall. Gotta credit the Dream for turning me on to this breaking story. This is barely an Over/Under, but I figured it needed to be shared with the world, and since our resident college football expert is still living in the dial-up age, I'll take responsibility. Hall, a Georgia cheerleader and girlfriend of UGA product Matt Stafford, has been sporting a different look since her beau became QB1 of the Detroit Lions. All the details and legwork are at Busted Coverage, so check that out, decide for yourself, and then friend her on facebook! (For additional consideration: if you took the over, whose decision do you think it was?) OVER/UNDER?

• 30,000,000 - number of USD that Stephen Strasburg will receive for signing with the Washington Nationals. Strasburg, the #1 pick in the June draft, hasn't played baseball since May, but he's been playing hardball all summer long, apparently demanding a Major League contract worth $50 million--or more. No player taken in the draft has ever exceeded the $10.5M contract signed by Mark Prior, a prospect who in 2001 was touted almost as highly as Strasburg. His agent, Scott Boras, has dangled a number of potential ploys to get more money, including sending Strasburg to Japan for a year. This may be hot air--I imagine Strasburg isn't enthused by the prospect of playing in Japan rather than the big leagues--but with Boras it's nearly impossible to tell. Such a move would be a huge gamble, since it is predicated on Strasburg returning to America the following year as a free agent, which isn't even a given and would require challenging baseball's existing rules. What we do know, however, is that the clock is ticking: Washington has until August 17th to sign him, and if they don't, they lose the right to negotiate with him, so this week should be very interesting for Butters and the other eleven Nats fans. Strasburg is clearly a world-class talent--witness his 23 K game against Utah--but so was Prior, and we know how that turned out. OVER/UNDER?

• 99.9 - percentage of the overall votes received by Ken Griffey Jr when he becomes eligible for the Hall of Fame. This Over/Under is designed in part to put pressure on Oden to write an article about Griffey, because frankly, I will write it if he doesn't. Since I don't want to step on the toes of any posts to come, I'll just say this: no player has ever been named on 100% of his Hall of Fame ballots. Tom Seaver has come the closest at 98.8%. Compared with some HOFers who didn't make the cut--Willie Mays comes to mind--Griffey seems relatively ordinary, but he's got a trick or two up his sleeve: for one thing, he was the most popular player in baseball for the first half of his career, and has remained wildly popular despite decline and bodily deterioration. If you weren't born in the '80s, you don't remember that Junior was about as cool as athletes get, on par with Tiger Woods and Shaquille O'Neal. Also, while Griffey's done nothing particularly relevant to his Hall of Fame case in three years, it gets stronger and stronger each year, as more and more is revealed about the steroid years. Along with Frank Thomas, Griffey is a beacon of light, his name unlinked to any allegations, his numbers genuinely untainted. And what fantastic numbers they are: 623 home runs, 1807 RBIs, a career .914 OPS, 13 All-Star games, 10 Gold Gloves. During his halcyon days in Seattle, Junior won a Gold Glove and made the All-Star team for ten consecutive years, every single year of the '90s. He dominated the league for an entire decade, and then--when other stars in their mid-30s were juicing their way to big numbers--he entered a slow, normal decline, the kind that ballplayers have been enduring for 120 years. While he won't match Barry Bonds' career numbers, from a gambler's perspective, I'd bet on Junior to tally more HOF votes, and he'll deserve them all. Will he be the first player to merit unanimous selection? OVER/UNDER?

• 4.5 - minimum number of participants in an orgy. The word orgy, from the Greek orgia, can refer to a wild party but is more commonly used to describe sex involving multiple partners. For our purpose, this discussion is limited to the sexual connotation only. My question: how many partners does it take for group sex to qualify as an orgy? I've heard of threesomes and foursomes, but are those orgies? Do orgies begun where the "-somes" end, and if so, where do we draw that line? Is five people enough to characterize an orgy? Additional consideration: does the definition depend on the dynamic involved? For example, can a gang bang involving repeated penetration of one subject be called an orgy, based on the total number of participants? Or does an orgy specifically demand that the participants be swapping, switching, and freewheeling like there's no tomorrow? If a buddy told you he participated in an orgy, what would your expectations be? Can you participate in an orgy but only have sex with one person? I feel like these are all ambiguities that need immediate attention. OVER/UNDER?

• 2.5 - minimum number of female participants required for a straight guy to comfortably engage in group sex involving another guy. This Over/Under is really an extension of its predecessor, which is why I've grouped them together at the end to maximize discussion. Now, while this O/U is directed in particular at straight dudes, I encourage anyone reading this blog to give it due consideration. Now, faced with a Playboy Mansion situation where it's you and your boy versus a dream team of bunny hunnies strategically positioned around the grotto, I think virtually everyone would agree that this is a no-brainer. But imagine the opposite end of the spectrum: you are out with a friend and, over the course of the evening, you get propositioned by two down 'n' dirty smokeshows who are DTF, under one condition--four bodies, one bed. I'm not suggesting that you're doing anything obviously gay, but you are in the same bed, and chances are you're going to touch at some point, probably more than once. I just raised the stakes, motherfucker. What's going through your mind right now? Obviously, the hotness of the girls comes into play. The amount of alcohol consumed is also a factor. It probably matters who your friend is, but I'd like to see what people have to say about this. Would you rather have it be a really close friend, someone you're really comfortable with, or a mere acquaintance, so that if shit felt weird afterwards you could easily avoid them for the rest of your life? For additional consideration: is their some kind of ratio that needs to be maintained? What if it was 4 girls but 3 guys? What about a Riggins-Street-Lyla scenario (start watching at 40:00, you won't be disappointed)? Y Tu Mama Tambien? OVER/UNDER?

I'd just like to close by giving a huge shout out to a friend of mine and star of this PSA for the Big Ten Conference. I've probably only seen her twice since her graduation party, but I still think this is pretty sick. Definitely the best athlete I've ever personally known, and a really cool person to boot. Big ups, HilBo. (And she's wearing jorts! What's not to love?)

Lightweight Baby!

As a trained and experienced fegonomist, I tend to rely on my work's conclusions and consider them sound. When one of my tried and true theories becomes questioned in my presence by someone less informed than myself, I try to explain why I am right and they are wrong as best as I can. When they stick to their unenlightened viewpoints in light of the evidnece I present, that's when shit pops off. The battleground of the shit-popping is most commonly the lunch table. Rashard Lewis' recent plight has reminded me of one of the more frustrating arguments I've had with my beloved coworkers and that is whether or not PEDs can help basketball players.

Questioning this is absurd to me. Rashard Lewis does not even need to be taken into account. He tested positive for a raised testosterone level. How excessive it was, I don't know. Don't know if he shot up, unknowingly took a supplement with a boost, or just had a groupie hot streak (I hear that shit* boosts your testosterone, too). Honestly, it's irrelevant to the argument. Steroids will help basketball players no matter what 'Shard's situation is.

Let's examine the naysayers' claims logically.

Argument 1: The type of "big" you get with steroids is not the type of big you want to be in the NBA.

So, you don't want the Ronnie Coleman bodytype when you're playing in the NBA. Fine.

*I couldn't find the scene where he's flexing and oogling himself in the mirror while giving that chick the business so I included a random one.

Free at Last! Free at Last! Thank God, Almighty, We Are Free At Last!

As is well-recorded on this blog, I’ve gotten a lot of shit for not writing a post yet, which is generally deserved. For this reason, and the fact that I don’t want to lose the race for the last person to post to In Oden We Trust, I’ve finally gotten around to doin’ tha damn thing. Since I didn’t want to fuck up, I decided I should comment on something I know well. Since I regularly have commented on things of political nature and because you could get pretty much the same shit listening to homeless people ranting in Davis, I decided to go with my other favorite thing (pub trivia not withstanding): College Football.

Now that ESPN has compiled its top 25 pre-season rankings, I’ve decided to show where they are right and where they are totally, totally wrong, hopefully cutting through all the bullshit of punditry. However, ala LNW’s weekly Over/Unders, I’ve decided to give the rankings to you in installments. Live from the Starbucks in Davis, I give you your Top 25 Rankings:

#25 Florida State

This ranking seems about fair, considering its mostly ceremonial to be #25 anyways. Do I think Florida St. is actually going to make any sort of waves this year? Absolutely not. It’s been quite a while since the days of Charlie Ward flying all over the place. They’re one of those programs that manages to get continual respect for past glory despite mediocre production, though I’ll say that I’ll give ESPN the benefit of the doubt when they say their running game is legit this year (of course, it was when Lightning Leon was there a few years ago and they didn’t do shit). Prognosis: The coaches’ poll puts them lower, but I say ESPN got this one right.

#24 Brigham Young University

I can’t decide if BYU’s recruiting program is aided or crippled by the fact that it is a school solely made up of Mormons. On the one hand, there are a lot of Mormons out there (it’s the fastest growing religion in the world) and BYU basically gets the pick of the litter out of them. On the other hand, they’re all Mormons. One could argue they lack the cutting edge necessary to keep up with the big-boys. The Cougs are always a factor (and they are certainly a solid program), but I can’t help but picture Oklahoma’s speedy, strong linebacking corps dismembering Max Hall in their Sept. 5^th matchup. If Hall goes down, they’ll be out of the picture faster than you can say Tabernacle. Prognosis: #24 is fine for their pre-season, but I say they’re out of the top 25 pretty soon into the season.

#23 Utah

Much like Rodney Dangerfield, Utah gets no respect. This squad is continually underrated. I have to assume that the folks putting this poll together missed their anal-yzing of Alabama (ranked #8 in their poll). There seems to be some sort of communication breakdown between the guys doing their NCAA rankings and those doing the NFL Draft, because Ute products are generally well-regarded in NFL circles, even in the post-Urban Meyer era. They should be ranked well into the teens, but that’s just my opinion. Prognosis: #17. However, I should note I’m basing this off my guilt for completely ripping on them last year and being proven completely wrong in the ‘Bama game.

#22 Kansas

This is a tough one. Its difficult to judge how good Kansas actually is. On the one hand, Todd Reesing is around yet again to lead the fierce spread attack that had such success two years ago. However, he stalled out last year with the disappearance of a run game, limiting Reesing’s effectiveness. I think it’s also worth noting that the poor Jayhawks reside in the Big 12, which is home to some serious heavy hitters and, I might argue, is the most difficult conference in the nation right now. I know SEC fans might disagree, but as the rankings go on, you’ll see what I mean. Therefore, Kansas should savor this ranking, because unless they seriously overperform, this is the closest they are coming to sniffing the azz of success. Prognosis: I really am not sure what to make of this one. I’ll go with ESPN on this one, but that’s not to say they couldn’t get overtaken by some other random Big 12 programs.

#21 University of North Carolina

Really a fledgling program that has produced some strong prospects in the past (see: Orange Julius Peppers), I’m told by ESPN that Butch Davis is turning it into an annually strong squad. Well, I don’t buy it. TJ Yates looked great last year, but he was throwing to Hakeem Nicks and Brandon Tate. This year, the cupboard’s bare, Butchie. Have fun trying to break runs with Yates when you’ve got no downfield threats. I predict they will be well out of the running by Week 5. Prognosis: #23. And that’s being generous, I think.

#20 Nebraska

The Huskers are a program with a long and storied history. However, unlike Florida St., I think that they actually merit this ranking, as they had a big resurgence last year under former LSU Defensive Coordinator Bo Pelini. I’m not sure they’re quite back to a point at which thy can really contend with the big boys of the Big 12, but a couple more years of Pelini recruiting will go a long way. It’s worth noting that three of their four losses last year came at the hands of teams that ended the year in the Top 10 and the other was VTech, a legitimate contender in their own right. Prognosis: #19, see below. Also a good bet to get better.

#19 Iowa

Kirk Ferentz evidently has the best job security of any coach in the BCS. The man continues to make azzloads of dough despite quite a few years of mediocrity. Sure, Shonn Greene was a huge producer last year as a workhorse and he carried them to a 9-4 season, but he’s gone now. I don’t know what happened to the Hawkeyes, but any time I’ve watched them over the last several years, I’ve felt severely underwhelmed. This is another reputation pick for ESPN, which is really one of the reasons I felt compelled to write this critique in the first place. I’m of the opinion that the pedigree of a school is largely unimportant when it comes to actual year-to-year performance, except in the realm of recruiting. And yes, I realize that this is rich coming from a Notre Dame fan. Prognosis: I’m flipping them with Nebraska and putting them at #20, for the sheer fact that I think Nebraska has much more upside.

#18 TCU

Finally some more love for the Mountain West, though I personally would have probably flipped them with Utah instead. TCU is another quietly strong program, led by a monstrous defense. These guys are the real fucking deal. Second in the nation in sacks and they gave up 612 rushing yards. Yup. 612, all season. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Prognosis: #18, but with the understanding that they could definitely rise.

#17 Notre Dame

I was both surprised and delighted to see Notre Dame ranked here. You all know I’m a huge homer, but I will admit that this is a little bit of an optimistic ranking, at least based on performance in other Weis-era seasons. I will say, however, that I was very pleased with their raking of Hawaii in their bowl game last year. They have a lot of talent in their passing game, but the question is whether or not the Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback will have enough time to get off throws to his excellent receiving corps of Golden Tate and Michael Floyd. The run game will suck, as I really doubt Weis has put that much effort into it. The line is a big ol question mark, as is the defense, which has been simply atrocious, even going back to the (somewhat) successful Quinn teams. Uberfreshman Manti Teo may help their linebacking corps to toughen up, but who knows? They’re overrated here, but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy about it. Prognosis: #21. They were 7-6 last year. Even I can’t overlook that.

#16 Georgia

What’s that? Georgia is ranked behind Georgia Tech? Well, that’s what happens when your QB from last year gets picked #1 in the Draft (and you weren’t even that good last year). That said, Mark Richt has been remarkably consistent in putting up a great record during his tenure. Do I think Dr. Cox & Co. are going to stop getting mercilessly kicked in the stones by Florida and Alabama? Nope. The only respite I can give them is that there’s less of a target on their back with Lane Kiffin’s Tennessee replacing UGA as the team Florida wants to beat the everloving shit out of. Tebow wouldn’t use that language though, I suppose. Prognosis: #15, right on the heels of their in-state rivals.

#15 Georgia Institute of Technology

You would think that my penchant to verbally fellate offenses like Mike Leach’s Air Raid would lead me to hate watching offenses like Paul Johnson’s particular brand of the triple-option. You would be wrong, however. I absolutely love seeing Jonathan Dwyer break off huge runs and just truck-stick people. Cha man is big, fast and agile. Tech’s run-blocking and team speed make them a lot of fun to watch, but more importantly, such an effective run-O makes for a great defense, generally giving them a lock on Time of Possession. Prognosis: I’m putting em at 14, though I wanted to put them even higher. We’ll see if other teams figure out the triple option this year, or when they do, if it will even matter.

Freaks And Follies: A Fantasy Affair

FAFAFA

It sounds more like The Last Naked Warrior laughing and pointing outside a certain brighton bar than a fantasy preview, but I'll do my best to put my latest obsessions into coherent thoughts that are guaransheed to make you jump for joy at your fantasy draft.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am coming off my worst fantasy football season of all time. Not because I had a bad draft, or even finished that poorly (4 out of 12 would have makhtar creaming his pants at this point) in my main league, but rather I made quite possibly the worst roster transaction of all time.

After snagging veritable studs in the late rounds like Jay Cutler (10th) Pierre Thomas (14th) and DeAngelo Williams (7th) I decided

that I needed to bolster my WRs since I wasn't feeling confident in my 6th round pick of Sharod White. OOOOOPS After four weeks I had only started him once, but my team was rolling and was 4-0 and scoring boatloads of points thanks to Jay Cutler, Reggie Bush, and the newly returned Brandon Marshall from suspension. Feeling like The Fegonomist eager to try out the poopocalypse opener, I shopped Roddy White and DeAngelo Williams for a top wideout. In principle it made sense since I had some RB depth. Right? Right!!? The trade went down like this:

WR Vincent "Vincente" Jackson

WR Sharod "Rowdy Roddy" White

RB DeAngelo Williams

for

WR Braylon Edwards (At the time was struggling. Oh wait, he was always struggling)

RB Rasta Ricky Williams

"Make it hurt so good"

In the end, The 7-11 Big Gulps limped into the playoffs after highway robbery on the part of Chad's Nads. I lot 5 of my last 9 games following the trade including a pathetic 68 point effort in week 5 due to of course a lack of WRs. Basically the trade killed my season, and left the door wide open for Coach Coolbaugh and his high flying Southeast Jerome to compete with Patriot Pride and Chad's Nads for the championship.

So there it is, I traded away a top 10 WR, the top overall RB and player and a WR who was better than both players I received for two pieces of crap who didn't even deserve PT on their own NFL teams.

With that preface, I'm gonna lecture you on the Freaks and Follies of this year's upcoming fantasy season. And I'm not gonna tell you the team or position or when to draft them. So figure it out.

Freak 1: Visanthe Shiancoe (NSFW)

The guy has a snake cock. Great. He also was a former NY Giant, which is apparently the promised land of TEs. Get ready for Darcy Johnson. Shiancoe is fast, is on a team that runs the ball, and is on a team with former Texans QB Sage Rosenfels most likely to start at QB. Rosenfels made Owen Daniels a regular target last season when he played, and Shiancoe really started to come on down the stretch for the Vikes. They don't have any great WRs, and their good(ish) WR Mr. Weekend at Bernie's and their young WR Percy Harvin are both too fast for Sage's Top Ramen-esque arm. Rosenfels is gonna feed Shiancoe after the vikes defense gets them in trouble and they have to pass the ball to stay in it. 8 TDs. 3 vs the packers since they can't cover a TE. Too bad Butters will read this and beat out Chan for him in the 3rd round.

Freak 2: Fred Jackson

Any of you who saw the Pats game in week 17 saw what Fred Jackson can do. Guy will be definitely worth a start as a flex back in the first 3 weeks, and probably has some value beyond that also. TO, Trent Edwards, Lee Evans will probably look pretty good these first few weeks, but with Lynch out, Jackson will bust out some long runs and screen passes in the way Ladell Betts used to when Portis had his injuries. He'll go for 100 yards in each of the first three games.

Freak 3: Torry Holt

Probably the most controversial player of these three, but allow me to make my case. Holt is no doubt one of the best to come out of the Mike Martz crackpot offense, but he finally had a poor year after 5 consecutive pro bowls. Nobody wants him this year. He's not going to catch a ton of long balls like he used to, but he'll at least have a QB playing this year who isn't made of glass and he won't be playing behind the worst line in football. He's got Maurice(a) Jones-Drew to take most of the pressure, and it'll be Garrard's first year with an NFL wideout. Garrard I'm not worried about at all. If he can make Reggie Williams and a coked up Matt Jones catch anything, he has my vote of confidence. Torry Will catch 90 balls and go for 1000 as he harnesses his inner Rod Smith.

Sure there's a ton of other guys I could mention, but why tip my hand. On to the follies...

You weren't gonna draft Mr. Rosencrantz were you?

Folly 1: Jerricho Cotchery

Oh what could have been. Through no fault of his own, the walls of Jerricho will come tumblin' down. Guy is good, no doubt. Rookie QB, good TEs, and two good backs will give the Jets all the reason they need to ignore Cotchery except in desperate situations. Jets go thunder and lightning with Jones/washington and think they're the new Falcons and probably lose more games than they should because Jones isn't Turner Burner and Dirty Sanchez isn't the Matty Ice of '08. Speaking of the Turner Burner...

Folly 2 (Two Times Tuesday) : Michael Turner/Matt Ryan

Honestly I can't come up with a good reason why Turner will actually suck, so this is more of a "he's gonna go way too high for what he does this year" folly than a guy who actually tanks. It was a magical season last year for Atlanta. Like it was for New Orleans the year before that. But there is no way Matt Ryan plays as well, and he'll get more passing plays to boot which leaves Turner on the back burner. Also Norwood is just as good as Turner and you'll see more 60-40 split than last year in an effort to keep both "fresh" for the playoffs they won't be attending.

Folly 3 (Threepeat): Those NYG RBs EarthWind and Fire

The giants put on a clinic in run blocking last season. They probably blocked 4 yards on most running plays and then the RBs picked up the remaining 1 after contact.

It's stupid how little these guys do on more than half of these plays. They follow their blocks then run away from people and gain maybe 3 yards of value added offense. A muppet drunk could run behind that line.

Derrick Ward who actually had a little wiggle to him gets to compete with Earnest goes to the endzone and a potentially healthy Cadillac Williams. At least there are people concerned with his sex life because he is going to a wasteland of an offense that's already overcrowded with decent RBs. Better luck next year.

Jacobs will score his TDs but Bradshaw will take away just enough to keep Jacobs from being the top guy he could be. I doubt he scores 15 tds, the giants won't be as good of an offense or as good of a line. Obviously Jacobs has value, just not as a slam-dunk No. 1 guy that people might see him as. He doesn't catch any passes. At all. Bradshaw and Ward are role players with no future. Stick to former giants RB Ryan Grant if you want a true number one guy.

That's that and I'll add the disclaimer that I probably don't know anything about anything anyways. I'm just really excited that football is coming back. So excited that I'm excited about the TO show because I might see some clips of football. And some pseudo hot azn real estate agents.

Good luck drafting cause y'all are gonna need it.

Over/Under, Volume VI

Given the desperate state of affairs in this country, the rising tide of joblessness breaking bulwarks and breaching levees across the nation, many Americans are facing the harsh reality that employment is a privilege, not a divine right. This climate has necessitated an attitude adjustment that is reflected in, among other things, the movies we watch.

Take, for example, Office Space, the groundbreaking comedy by Mike Judge, creator of Beavis and Butthead. Just a decade ago, Office Space celebrated slacking, encouraged insubordination, and raised bitching about your job to an art form:

Office Space is a cult classic for a reason, and if you haven't seen it, NetFlix that shit with the quickness. A word of caution, though: while it remains truly hilarious, if you watch it today, Office Space can't help but seem a little dated. It's a relic from an era in which the economy was booming, jobs were plentiful, and guys like Peter, Michael, and Samir were free to bitch because, hey, there's gotta be something better than Initech out there.

You don't have to go further than the tag line--"Work sucks"--to see how times have changed. Yeah, work does suck. Work has always sucked. Sitting on the stoop getting day-drunk and listening to hip hop will always trump. But can you imagine a movie with that tag line coming out now? No, you can't, because Americans today just wouldn't be having that. Oh, work sucks? You hate your job? Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! Who has the patience to put up with some whiny pussy complaining about their shitty job with shitty benefits and shitty medical insurance and shitty, shitty company Christmas party with the karaoke machine and drunk guy who loves Neil Diamond when their eyes are bleeding from reading Craigslist want ads for eleven hours?

Look, I love Office Space. I own it, it's a classic, and I bust it out at least once a year. It's got a great ensemble cast that shines without a real focal point. With one glorious exception, this film was the apex of all its actors' careers, though Lumbergh has recently resurfaced with appearances in Pineapple Express and Entourage. Still, in spite of its ample awesomeness, the truth is that when Office Space comes on Comedy Central at three in the afternoon, it serves as a grim reminder to those of us at home watching that it wasn't always this way.

Now that I've ruined a beloved movie, let's roll out the Volume VI Over/Unders. Just take a little test drive to see how she handles:

• 2.5 - wins by Pedro Martinez in 2009, including playoffs. Pedro's back!!!...!...? If I could use only punctuation to describe my feelings about Pedro signing with the Phillies, I think I would go with "!!!...!...?" When Office Space came out, I was twelve, and Pedro was in the midst of the greatest pitching run I had ever seen. Dream covered his All-Star heroics a few posts ago, so I won't step on his toes, but consider this: Pedro's 99-00 may not be the best two-year run by a pitcher in baseball history, but relative to his competition, no one has ever been better. He won back-to-back unanimous Cy Youngs--only Greg Maddux and SteRoidger Clemens have equaled this feat--went 41-10 (.804) while the rest of the team went 138-135 (.505), and posted a 1.90 ERA while the rest of the AL clocked in around 4.90. His adjusted-ERA (ERA+) was 243 in 1999 (third-best since World War I, 9th all-time), and in 2000, he posted the best ERA+ (291) in 120 years and the second best in the history. For good measure, he also struck out 597 batters, and had 15 wins coming into the '99 ASB. Flash-forward a decade and... well, to look at him, he's almost the same. Same wry smile, same silky cocoa butter skin, same--arm? Uh, no, not exactly. The arm that once touched 98 now works between 84 and 86, and while his change-up is still a weapon, he can't set it up the way he once could. People around baseball have been saying for years that Pedro is one of the smartest players they've ever known, and if anyone can compete with diminished stuff, it's probably him. Yet, as much as I love to see my boyhood idol back in uniform, the way he got knocked around last year was cringe-worthy. With Cliff Lee joining Martinez and Cole Hamels in the rotation, the Phillies look playoff-bound, meaning Pedro should have one more shot at greatness on the grand stage. Will we get one more signature moment before the legend rides off into the bronze Cooperstown sunset? OVER/UNDER?

• 20,000,000 - number of HBO subscribers who will tune in for the Seinfeld reunion slated for this season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I kind of struggled with how to phrase this Over/Under, so if you can come up with a better way, keep it to yourself. I run the Over/Unders in this town. TimeWarner claims that there are 40 million HBO subscribers in the U.S. When Seinfeld aired its final episode, marking the last time the cast appeared together on screen, over 76 million Americans tuned in. Obviously, this question is different, since I'm artificially limiting the scope to HBO subscribers because its a premium cable channel (I'm sure many more will watch it online). Will it draw over half? Or does Curb lack the universal appeal of its predecessor? OVER/UNDER?

• 100 - games remaining in Stephon Marbury's NBA career. This Over/Under was inspired by this article by Scoop Jackson, an insightful and thought-provoking piece on Marbury's very public shame spiral. Jackson's article inspired me to read The Last Shot, Darcy Frey's chronicle of the Abraham Lincoln High School basketball team. Frey followed the team--Lincoln is a Brooklyn high school consisting largely of poor blacks from the most dangerous parts of Coney Island--during the 1991 season, when they were defending New York City high school champions and a 14-year-old freshman phenom named Stephon Marbury made his debut. The book, which came out in during Marbury's senior season in 1994, is an extremely good read, and I recommend it highly, especially in light of Marbury's current situation. I won't go into too much detail, but basically, the book is scary perceptive. Frey takes us inside Marbury's world and shows us how, at 14, he's already facing the unrealistic expectations that will eventually ruin him. The pressure Marbury faces--pressure that, combined with his own destructive impulses, will get the better of him--is conveyed beautifully. Hindsight is 20/20, and in The Last Shot, you see the rest of his career--still unknown to him--unfolding before your eyes. For once in his life, Stephon Marbury is a sympathetic character, an endorsement that should be intriguing enough by itself. Today, Starbury is 32, and a free agent that no one seems to want. NBA players age faster than other athletes, so 32 isn't so young anymore, but it's hardly ancient. Mark Jackson, a lesser talent but a greater player than Marbury, played almost 600 games after turning 32. Steph is still just two years removed from a solid campaign, and while he may never be a star again, he would have years ahead as a role player if not for the stigma that rightfully surrounds him. Does he deserve another chance? Will anyone give him one? OVER/UNDER?

• 4.5 - number of female support staffers whose assholes will be scrutinized by Makhtar. If you've spent enough time around Makh, then you know he's an ass man. And not just the ass itself--he likes the ashya, but he loves the asshole. Specifically, he loves talking about it: "I would sniff"--(cue sniffing motion and noise)--"that asshole." Or: "I would root around in that asshole" (italics for emphasis). If myself, Makhtar, Dream, and the rest of the crew make it up to Woodstock for a couple of days, I can only assume that there will be a few young ladies who will be surprised to find a hulking Asian guy from Saw leering at them when they turn around. (Is this going too far? Somebody stopppppppp me!) OVER/UNDER?

• 50 - number of different Earth women impregnated by Superman. As some of you may know, I'm involved with a book project involving the Man of Steel. Unfortunately, the work I've been doing has little to do with Superman's sexual proclivities, which are of great interest to me. Now, part of Superman's enduring appeal is the relationship he has with his human alter-ego, Clark Kent. Anyone could be Clark Kent. Despite having massive shoulders and the ability to conceal a unitard beneath his suit, Clark Kent is generally portrayed as a pussy. He's mild-mannered--a trait typical of fegos everywhere--and his would-be squeeze, Lois Lane, regards him as too milquetoast to consider bumping uglies. Like most women, Lois is attracted to alpha-males, and Clark Kent is straight beta. Enter Superman, who can fly, reflect bullets, and crush meteors. Just the kind of stuff that gets girls wet. Lois is all about the Man of Steel, but unfortunately, they can't be together because of Superman's commitment to justice and for her own safety and blah blah blah. Or so the comics would have children believe. Those of us who've read The Game know better. Superman could settle down with Lois--this ain't no Batman shit, alright, Superman's got the world on lock--but why would he? He can fly around the world and fuck whoever he wants, whenever he wants. Not that Lois would understand--but she doesn't know, so it won't hurt her. Meanwhile, Supe's got his LTR back in Metropolis, and HB10s with legs spread all over the world. A pretty sweet deal, right? A couple of issues, though: for one thing, they don't make Kryptonite condoms, and ain't no Latex or lambskin gonna stop that Super Sperm. The paternity suits would be coming fast and furious. More crucial, though, is this question: does Superman, in addition to super strength and super speed, have super morality? Would the ethical compass that compels him to defend humanity allow him to take on a set of barely-legal Brazilian triplets, especially considering the ramifications of their inevitable impending pregnancy? Yet, in many ways, Superman is human, having been raised among us. Would he give in to temptation, and how many times? OVER/UNDER?

If you made it this far, congratulations, you've conquered the longest Over/Under in history. But for you intrepid few, the journey has just begun--because, while I don't care what your opinions are, someone else might.

Freaks: THPS Addendum

Yeah, so I got so jazzed up about Vick and the kid who stuck the Dish Network Controller in his ass that I forgot to rep the x-games. I don't know much about skateboarding, but I do know that Bob Burnquist's run at the 2001 Summer X-Games was the defining moment of my adolescence. More formative than Jennifer Lopez's "Love Don't Cost a Thing" video and Muhammad Ali's Sportscentury combined (OK, not really on the Ali front).

You just kinda have to see it to understand the hubbub. As Mr. Chi City Mayne would say, jigga's got tricks on tricks, many of which were so unheard of they hadn't been named yet. They beauty of this run is that even a lay person can appreciate how out of this world it is. Increíble

Freaks: He's Baaaaaack Edition

This week we're going to train the spotlight on my favorite freak of all time, a veritable freak's freak. Yeah, I'm talking about cha man Mike Vick. So we all know by now that he's been conditionally reinstated by Roger "The Punisher" Goodell, opening up the possibility that he sees the field by week 6 of this season.

This is a big deal to me for several reasons. Obviously, I'm just excited that we have someone with Vick's skill set back in the league. Say what you will about his limited passing abilities, but I think we can all acknowledge that Vick was the World's Most Dangerous Man while on the football field. The man is a videogame--he could gouge a defense with his 4.36 40, call some freaks with 70 yard bomb or turn a broken play into a Merton Hanks moment. Fittingly, the Madden 2006 Vick was an absolute WEAPON. Though he only had a like 75 pass accuracy, he could run that shit furg at will, picking up third downs like Skipinos picks up chicks at a Cougar rally. The only way to properly deal with him was to smash it in his ashya with the hit stick, as he had a constant case of fumbilitis, putting the ball on the deck with 5-6 times greater frequency than anyone else in the game (except maybe Poopius Jones). So basically, the Madden guys had to program a cheat handicap to balance out the play of the game, otherwise fetus body cowards like the Quarternary [edit: Tertiary] Fego would just smash teams every game with Vick.

If imitation is the highest form of flattery, then Vick was getting over the pants hand jobs from all directions. Every media representation of the NFL had its own Vick clone, be it Voodoo in Friday Night Lights, the guy with dreads who schooled the Sharks in ESPN's Playmakers, or The Rock in "The Game Plan". Simply put, football is more exciting when there's someone on the field for whom truly believe anything is possible. And for this, I am overjoyed that we can have Michael back in our lives. I get wet just thinking about this:



Of course, the once prodigal son's return to the promise land has been sullied somewhat by Goodell's imposition of an additional 6 game ban for this season. Now let me preface what I'm about to say with this: I don't have a problem with strong, authoritative league commissioners. In fact, I love David Stern, and not just because he can do this.

Stern is a great commissioner because he understands that his role is not at the forefront of the game. He is savvy enough to make the tough decisions without making himself the center of attention, unlike Goodell's ham-handed attempts to burnish his image as a tough disciplinarian. I mean, Stern is downright sneaky. Do you know anyone else who would be able to rig an entire fucking draft without anyone blowing the whistle? Could Goodell be cunning enough to banish the face of the league to a phantom baseball retirement (#6) rather than simultaneously ruining the image of the league and its sole icon? I mean the guy is a member of the New World Order! (And I'm not talking Kevin Nash)

Ok, I'll admit that these all could be (read: are) crackpot conspiracy theories, but they still underscore my point that Stern operates subtly, behind the cloak of shadows. These rumors are a reflection of the fact that no one truly understands the scope of Stern's power. He is secure enough to realize that he doesn't have to partake in punitive cock-offs with the other commissioners. Can you imagine what Goodell would have done if he was the Commish of the NBA during the Malice at Auburn Hills? The closest approximation I can think of would be this (though Goodell certainly wouldn't be cool enough to wear jorts).

You know why that is? Because Roger Goodell is a take-no-nonsense vigilante who wants so much to be a white knight, but simply goes too far. That sounds pretty familiar....Wait, what the? Roger Goodell IS Two-Face!

"Why should I hide who I am"

I think that this comparison is fair. Think about it, in assessing the additional 6 game suspension to Vick, Goodell is trying to prove that NFL is beyond the scope of the laws that govern you and me. Animal rights zealots want you to believe otherwise, but Michael Vick has paid his debt to society. The man has lost everything. Vick spent two years in the federal pen, getting smashed from behind in the shower like Derek Vinyard. He lost his fans, he lost name, and he's dead broke. In many ways, Vick deserves this--a heinous crime deserves a strict penalty. But what I'm saying is that the penal system has already accepted the sufficiency of Vick's penance, why can't the NFL?

What is most bothersome about Goodell's tenure as Commish is that he's committed the classic mistake of addressing the effects, rather than the causes. Obviously, it is troublesome that so many players in the NFL act like they're above the law, but isn't that really because the wrong people are entering the league? Goodell's draconian punishments simply do not deter players from committing crimes. The biggest problem is at the college level, not only is it the most formitive time for the players, but as is, college football is just a holding pen for potential NFL'ers. Any disciplinary problem they have is met with a slap on the wrist because coaches care more about winning games then building up human beings . The league must simply help the NCAA to discipline and correct players. . If college players realized that, outside of the cush confines of their campuses, their legal transgressions would be met with harsh, appropriate punishment, then they'd be less inclined to hang around with the wrong crowds, and shoot themselves in the legs. (Thanks, Plax!)

Terrell Owens has been quoted as saying that Roger Goodell, not Vick, is the one that belongs in jail. Aside from his contention that if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it's a fucking duck, I don't agree with TO on much, but I think he's in the right here. It seems as though this anti-Goodell sentiment is rampant throughout the league, and at a potential tipping point. This reminds me of a quote from the noted Continental philosopher Harvey Dent, "You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain". Unfortunately, for Goodell, that rubicon was crossed a long time ago.

In times like this I'm consoled by the age old Taoist mantra, "The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming". I mean I don't think that Goodell will give up his post anytime soon, but the possiblity is just a nazi sex scandal away. In the case that Goodell is liquidated, what's our best option? Oh yeah, it's cha girl Condoleezza. Not only has she previously stated that the NFL Commissioner's post would be her "Dream job," but she has the moxie to pull it off in a Sternian fashion. Think about the cloak of secrecy surrounding the Bush Administration--you don't think she'd be able to be the puppetmaster in the NFL without coming off as heavy handed as Goodell? Instead of gratiutous suspensions and fines as the norm, we'd see a new era of clandestine waterboarding and psychological warfare on NFL problem children. All I gotta say is: Shock and Awe, jiggggggaaaaaaaa.

Greatest Freak(out) Ever:

I'm about a month behind on this but basically this kid freaked out because his mom cancelled his World of Warcraft account, no further explanation needed. Hilarity ensues:



Stop the tape. There's something you guys may have missed amongst the spazzing out...so here it is in a 10 minute loop:



All I can say is: ANAL-yzed!