The Hotrod - Adrian Peterson/Megan Fox
Similarities: If there's one thing that sets these two apart it's that they both have one hell of a chassis. Fegonomics has a well documented affair with these Lamborghinis, as we've seen Makhtar ogle over the AP mixtape and many a prebuscent Fegonomist "find himself" to Miss Fox. Beyond their preternatural bodies and athletic ability I can't say that either one of these two has much more to offer, but in the scope of life aren't those the only things that matter anyway?
Draft Day Diagnosis: Every year there is one no brainer, AP is it. Don't draft Shawn Alexander.
Built for Speed - MJD/Michael Turner/Vida Guerra
Similarities: In the Hip Hop Bible, the inked up prophet Ja Rule 4:12 said it best, "It must be the ass..." While Ezekiel Rule's career has dissipated faster than a Tiger Woods' whoopi cushion, this one doctrine still holds true for athletes and starlets alike. This Cerberus of lower body flesh is exhibit A, B, and C of what is right with the world. Ok so those were all big booty pics of Vida, are the other two here? Then fuck em!
Draft Day Diagnosis: I've seen yaboy MJD ranked as high as first in some mock drafts. The first rule of fight club might be don't talk about fight club, but the first rule of Fegonomics is DO NOT draft Maurice Jones Drew first in your fantasy draft, though I do like him as a top five commodity. The Burner is a little more of a roll of the dice considering he crossed that 350 carry threshold that one Falcon never recovered from. I ain't sayin Turner won't be a valuable fantasy back this year, but you won't see me doing the dirty bird if he's gotta be my stud (please watch that video to the end and tell me that isn't the perfect sim of what will happen at my And1 wedding).
Next Generation - Steve Slaton/Kristen Bell
Similarities: Kristen Bell is best known for her work as teen super sleuth Veronica Mars and Slaton possesses the speed of a lava bug that could survive the de-oxygenated atmosphere of the big Red Planet. Makhtar has been plugging and tugging to Ms. Bell all week and while I'm always down with a girl in glasses, he may be fluffing her past the realms of my comfort. Note: She is not the last we'll see of Forgetting Sarah Marshall in this post.
Draft Day Diagnosis: While he doesn't possess prototypical size, he is a blur outside of the tackles and between the 20s. Biggest perk is that he doesn't have a real back up, unless you're still enamored by Cha Man. Definitely not a stalwart like say a Adimchinobe Echemandu behind him. Expect this former Mountaineer to go buck wild when Stump the Schuab returns in Week 4.
Mr. and Mrs. Brightside - LT/Jessica Al
baSimilarities: Both spent multiple years at the top of their respective professions (NFL and Maxim, FHM, and Ask Men's top lists) and both saw precipitous fall offs this pas year caused by unfortunate hanger-ons (toe injury and baby). I bite my tongue when I say this, but it's very likely that we may never see either of these two return to the pinnacle, and that they are both destined to a life as a shell of their formerselves. But anything is possssssssibleeeeee, as the end of this list suggests.
Draft Day Diagnosis: Just last year LT was making cool commercials and was a no brainer to break Emmitt's all-time rushing record and I thought he'd be toasting DBs until he was at least 35. 2008 proved to be a song sung to a different tune as LDT struggled to eclipse 1,000 yards and only had two 100 yard games. I still believe he has significant value because San Diego's offense has so many weapons, and if he somehow falls to the second round in your draft take him and exercise your right to say this to the other draftees.
Precocious Posse - Reggie Bush/Jennifer Love Hewitt
Similarities: As a culture we are enamored by those who achieve greatness at a young age and we impress our hopes and dreams on the forebrow of many a child prodigy. J-Lo Hewitt was raised a child actor, finding early success in projects like Party of Five and the teen thriller I Know What you Did Last Summer. Bush also touched God at a young age celebrating yard after yard of success, evident in his super famous high school mixtape. What the average patron might not know is that these two share an insatiable desire for C-list celebrities. Bush had been keeping up with Kim Kardashian for the past two years before recent news of their break up, but J-Lo H is the real Asimov of pop culture ineptitude. Her triumphs include LFO's Rich Cronin (who's actually cool), TRL's Carson Daly, and current squeeze Jaime Kennedy. It's like she's trying to date Seth Green's beta bot character from her film Can't Hardly Wait. Pitiful.
Draft Day Diagnosis: If your league still counts return yards then Reggeggie can still be the asset. If not I don't see him taking any goal line carries away from Pierre "I'm Actually Black" Thomas. While Brees will probably sling it for around 5K again, don't expect Bush to be netting more than 1,200 total yards, unless he stays healthy.
Business Time - Fred Taylor/Heidi Klum
Similarities: Both have had to reinvent their careers as they've experienced a decline in their skill sets, but Klum is still the first suggestion when Googling Heidi (Freddy ain't even on the list). It doesn't take an artist's eyes to see how far they've both fallen while still remaining effective. This was the first picture I ever get a permaboner to and Fred is currently the league's active leading rusher. What really flummoxes me here is how well a guy who sings about roses has done. Blame it on the Po ah ah ah ah ah ck Marks! One more for the road, JESUS.
Draft Day Diagnosis: He will make a big play at some point in the season that will facilitate the Patriots winning a game, but he has almost zero fantasy value as do most of the Pats running backs. Unless you want to be serenaded by a room full of dodes singing Kiss From a Rose, stear clear of Fragile Freddy.
The Sleeper - Donald Brown/Mila Kunis
Similarities: Here are two fairly uknowns that could see huge returns by the end of 2009. They come from small systems (UConn and That 70's Show) but have been catapulted forward by admission into showcase systems. One Fegonomics follower, Butters Sinick, has come out as saying Forgetting Sarah Marshall is one of his favorite movies ever. While this claim is absolutely incredulous, it does show a development of Kunis' character from oft targeted Punk'dee.
Draft Day Diagnosis: Brown benefits greatly from Joseph Saddai Another Day's reluctance to remain healthy. If Donald can come out of the backfield and catch passes he could become a nice check down option for Mr. Manning especially with Marvelous Marvin out the door. If you can snag him in the 5th round or later, ride him as a flex to the ship.
They're Baaaaack - Michael Vick/Britney Spears
Similarities: I don't even know where to start with these two miscreants. Spears once lauded as the teenie bopper savior, fell further than any celebrity we've even seen since MJ. She married a fego back up dancer who subsequently filmed her getting all coked up and doped up and then divorced her to pursue his hip-hop career. She was caught literally flapping in the wind (NSFW) in a limo with Paris Hilton and then purged herself of all evilness by going G.I. Jane up in hurr. This just seems ohso long ago. Vick's path isn't much different. In January of 2005 he signed a 10 year $130 million contract with $37 million guaranteed! Since then he's served two years in jail after being convicted of heading an underground dog fighting operation, filed for bankruptcy, and worked as a construction worker for $10/hr. The great thing about America is that we're a land of second chances, and these two are living proof of that "tabla rasa" system. Britney has come back to produce such hits as Womanizer, Circus, and If You Seek Amy (get it!) and actually looks pretty hot and lucid now. As of today, Vick was granted a second life by his boy Donovan McNabb who apparently vouched vehemently for the Crime Dog amongst the Iggles coaching staff. With the help of Tony Dungy as a mentor, Vick signed a 2 year deal worth upwards of $7 million. This is a man who was eating sloppy joe's everyday for the last 24 months. What kind of playing shape is he even in? I guess once a freak always a freak.
Draft Day Diagnosis: Vick will most definitely be riding the pine for my team especially if he is granted eligibility at 3 different positions. He has the responsibility of upholding my team's namesake, Simple Vick, and even if he doesn't sniff the field you know it's good karma to play altruist in these kind of situations. Don't be surprised if a heavy-handed Andy Reid loses it on McNabb like he did in the Eagles/Ravens game last year and inserts Vick in for a quarter or two. If there's one player the Wildcat was made for, it's our boy Simple Vick.
