Your 2009 Sun Ming Ming All Stars!

Please allow me to indulge in some self-satisfying cultural writing here.

Recently I read this article in the NY Times article about the state of basketball in China. If you don't feel like reading, basically the article discusses the imprint the NBA basketball has left in China, and thus how it directly affects the likes of the CBA, China's own bastard league of Sun Ming Ming lab experiments.

Unfortunately for the CBA, things have taken a turn for the worst, and the league has assumed a Tim Donaghy nature of sorts, with several of their games reportedly being fixed. To the ears of Sir Charles and the 5th teenage mutant ninja turtle formerly known as Antoine Walker, that's easy $$ towards redemption. For the average AzN bball fanatic, this completely ruins and hinders the development of China basketball into a reckoning force among the international sports community.


Some things that brought Chinkball to the forefront in the first place:

1). in 2002, our friendly 7'6" giant Yao stepped foot (not broken yet) into the NBA hardwood with the high hopes of 1.3 billion people resting on his Atlas shoulders. The Great Wall of Yao made an immediate impact, reclaiming the torch of Nigeria left by the departure of Olajuwon before him. What he lacked in mobility, he made up with shear lanky size, a soft hook/10 ft. jumper, not to mention an uncanny ability to hit from the stripe (.832 FT % lifetime). Paired with a dynamo Stevie Franchise and sidekick Cuttino Mobley, it looked like the Rockets would regain some of their mid 90's swagger that was loss amidst the Jordan, Little Flying Warrior, and Stone Buddha dominance of that age. Within the larger lens, Yao was the bridge that spanned the gap between East and West, ultimately bringing soy sauce and sirloin steak to harmonious matrimony. Now slanted eyes everywhere across the world had a reason to focus on the NBA, a favorite team to root for, and an increasingly amount of media outlets to watch their iconic hero. His raw, soft-body post moves would soon morph into the 20/10 consistency that we have come to expect today.

2). We're talking about a nation that is obsessed with basketball. While David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo have the international passport to get their di-acks sucked anywhere, and futbol americana, wardrobe malfunctions, and Tony Siragusa captivate our hearts at home, basketball trumps all in the Land of Lo Mein. Wherever there are courts, you can be sure to find players coming out in droves. Young people, old people, students, laborers, poindexters, and the wanna-be Triads; all earn their cred on the court. And don't think that Davie Stern hasn't noticed. With an estimated 300 million Chinese playing basketball, (equal to the entire US), and NBA revenue jumping 30-40% from the China market each year, you'd have to be a Isaiah Thomas, dumb Hahvahd beetches to not pounce on that shit.

3). The Olympics really blew the scene wide open. The country's publicity jumped magnitudes from Michael Richards (NSFW) to Michael Chiklis stardom China was inviting not just basketball, but the entire assemblage of sports nations into its humble fengshui homes. With their eternal emblem carrying the Olympic Torch in the opening ceremony, you could feel the pride emanating from the crowds. He inspired an entire fucking country! All 25,000 tickets for Men's Bball sold out in 11 hrs (that's standing in line). During the game against the Redeem Team, you could see Yao shake hands, exchange high fives with the likes of Superman and D-Wade, as if they were brahs from DU. It's like going abroad for a few years, coming home, and showcasing your new smoking hot supermodel girlfriend to meet your parents; it was legit proof for the masses that Yao was successful. For a population generally ridiculed for their athletic ineptitude and penile shortcomings, this was a victory to make the emperor smile.


The ugly truth....

1). The Chinese play like weak sauce. I'm talking typical bell pepper registering 0 Scoville Units weak sauce. The way they are taught to play ball (or the lack of teaching more so) has essentially mutilated the meaning of "physical contact." Playing with kids from Beijing University, I couldn't even brush a sweaty ass2ass against a dribbler without being called for a foul. You can see this weakness of play in early-Yao videos. Yi Jianlian is currently stunted by the same problem in his game. When Yao first entered the league, I was under the impression he was afraid to dunk. He would let pudgy guards speed by him with nary a hand check. As the years went by, Mount Mutombo taught him a finger wag or two. Enter the Dragon: now Yao dunks with more authority, and sizes up opponents with ease. However, as impressive as it is that he's improved his vocabulary to a 6th grade level, he still get's pwned by small shits every once in a while.

Potential impossible solution: Send guys there to train them! People always complain about NBA teams mailing it in after the point-of-no-return in the season. How bout if the team with the worst record in each conference get exiled to the CBA for one year, additionally scattering the players among Chinese teams? No longer will NBA teams decide to "tank" their season in hopes for a better lottery chance. Meanwhile, the exiled players will be forced to educate the primitive Chinese players, diffusing a certain knowledge of court physicality. And even though I devour the stuff, no one wants to live on the dumplings, General Tso's, and the avian flu diet for a year.

2). With every developing nation, there comes some level of corruption and greed from those that think they prevail through dishonesty. The CBA is a microcosm of that, a functioning league, yet a fledgling at the core. Refs fix the games to appease the bettors. Players don't get paid. And to top it off, lifetime pinewarmers from the US looking to swindle Grandpapa Johnny Hsu arrive only to eviscerate the competition, disregarding the Commie-team play mindset. Bonsai Tree Wells, ironically a former Rocket himself, played in China and scored a Kobe-crushing 40+ pts. in most games. Dontae Jones, a blip on the radar screen in Celticlore, now leads the CBA in scoring. Instead of bearing the fruits of wisdom, they're hoarding all the fucking bananas. These outcasts know the Andrew Jackson's are good there, too. If BronBron knew any better, he would carve out part of his Fortune 500 empire over there, where he can buy a small rice paddy province with geisha honeys to rub his feet when he's a sourpuss.

3). Flash forward to 09: 1 infected big toe, 1 broken right leg, 3 x broken left foot later, and we have ourselves a very, very hobbled center. Even walls eventually crumble under their own weight. Along with a decrepit T-mac, and Startest jumping ship for greener pastures, things are shaping up to be pretty shitty in Houston. With Yao sidelined for the next season, does the mantle of Asian emissary pass to Chariman Yi? Or perhaps Sun Yue, a guard currently mired on the Lakers bench (but has a ring!) behind, oh Derek Fisher, Sasha Vujacic, Jordan Farmar.....what becomes of the love/hate USA and China relationship?

While they claim players like Bonzi and Dontae are cancers, perhaps the answer lies not in letting the CBA run rampant under their own autonomy, but rather in integrating the NBA even further, to at least teach BEEF mechanics and introduce MUSCLE MILK. Here's to Olympics and Obama in 2012!