The Mouseketeers

Like many of you, I've spent an exhausting number of hours the last few nights watching Brian Billick argue with Mike Ditka over beverage distribution, and an even more ungodly number of hours learning that the only substantive difference between the new F-150 and every previous model is that they built toolboxes into the walls of the bed. As Mahktar would say, "Oh, graayt." However, in between all the talk about drinkability, I've managed to watch some pretty solid football.

While there were a few pretty enjoyable games on this weekend--including the Larry Fitz/Quan Boldin Freakshow that went down in Arizona--my favorite game of the weekend was undoubtedly the Saturday night dogfight between the Chargers and Colts. This game was clearly the marquee match up of the first round--how often do the two hottest playoff teams face off in Round One?--but, in my mind, it had a few other things going for it:

(1) I actually got off my ass and went to a sports bar to watch this one, which was a terrific decision, since they had pitchers of Blue Light for $7.50. By the end of regulation, I had entered a raffle to win a kegerator and was talking loudly about not being attracted to black women, so you know I must've had a good time.

(2) Always more fun to watch a game with a well-defined enemy. Thanks, Peyton.

(3) Darren Sproles.

Okay, so, I'm as disappointed as everyone else that LT ain't LT no more, and might never be again. It was exciting to see him start things off with a thirteen yard run, but when we're getting excited about thirteen yard runs, it probably means you aren't a feature back anymore. Maybe he'll bounce back next year--but I know I won't be drafting him as long as Earnest Graham is still on the board.

However, there's definitely a silver-lining to LT's decline, and its been the emergence of the original waterbug himself, D. Sproles. What is not to love about this guy? He runs the ball, he catches the ball, he returns kicks and punts, he tries his very hardest to block, and he has a speech impediment! Not to mention the fact that he's 5'6 and weighs approximately as much as the left half of Ted Washington. He's basically a fast, black, grown-up version of Jonathan Lipnicki--except for the fact that Jonathan Lipnicki grew up, and apparently, is now King of the Fegos:

At any rate, Sproles is the man, and he certainly showed it on Saturday, racking up 300+ total yards and scoring two TDs, including the game-winner in OT. Now, granted, he nearly fumbled the game away in the fourth quarter, but again, the guy is the same size as Fego Meyers, a fact that got me thinking about something: Who are the greatest short athletes of all-time?

There's a few criteria that went into compiling this list. Since it is in honor of D-D-D-Darren's gutsy performance, I'm using his height as the cutoff, so everyone over 5'6 is ineligible (sorry, Flutie). Also, extra credit is given to athletes in sports that favor size, so you won't find jockeys or flyweight boxers. Lastly, this list isn't in any particular order, it's just a compilation of my favorite Hall of Fame shorties.

And now, without further ado, the Darren Sproles-Mouse Meyers Memorial All-Stars:

Muggsy Bogues

Okay, so, this one is a no-brainer. Not only was Muggsy a personal hero of mine growing up--his teal, now throwback Charlotte Hornets jersey still hangs from the rafters of my closet--but the dude played in the NBA for 14 years despite being only 5'3. Marinate on that for a minute: 5'3. Most guys can't make the JV basketball team in 10th grade at 5'3, but Muggsy not only made it to the NBA, he was a lottery pick (12th overall in 1987). And he wasn't no benchwarmer when he got there: dude averaged 7.6 assists per game over his entire career (14th best all-time, just ahead of Bob Cousy), including a six-year run for the Hornets where he averaged 9.3 per game. Only a handful of the NBA's greatest PGs have ever had a stretch like that.

Not only was he slick at dropping dimes, but Muggsy could shoot a little rock, too, making 45.8 percent of his shots, a much higher percentage than shoot-first points like Stephon Marbury (43.4) and Allen Iverson (42.6). In his best season, 1996, the little man averaged a double-double, with 10.8 ppg and 10.1 apg, and even pulled down 4 rebounds per game!

But the best thing about Muggsy Bogues was his character in NBA Live '96. The guy looked like one of those tiny/huge/fat/skinny characters you create just to see how ridiculous they'll look on the court, except because he was real, he was actually legit to play with. I spent countless hours trying to get him to do the dunk animation--there were rumors that he could get above the rim but wasn't able to palm the ball--but to no avail. Try doing that with Earl Boykins in 2K8--it just ain't the same, mang.

Spud Webb

While he didn't have as strong a career as Muggsy, Spud Webb gave hope to Lilliputians everywhere with one of the most exciting upsets in the history of meaningless sporting events, his triumph in the 1986 Slam Dunk contest. Just watch the video--the shit is straight beasting. Plus, he once dunked over Manute Bol, and we can only assume he would've posterized Shawn Bradley if Bradley wasn't so busy getting posterized by literally every other NBA player.

Diego Maradona

Even if you aren't a soccer fan, you've probably heard of El Diego, as he's widely regarded as one of the two best footballers of all-time. At 5'5, he was three inches shorter than Pele, his main competition. His career accomplishments are pretty insane: four World Cups for Argentina (including 1986, when he played every single minute of the tournament and captained them to victory); a UEFA Cup Championship in 1989; 345 career goals; and one mother of a cocaine addiction. Diego loved the yeyo so much that he was eventually suspended from playing soccer for 15-months after repeatedly failing his drug tests. His time away from the game essentially ended his career as a top performer, but he played for a few more years, and continued to snort massive amounts of blow well after his playing days were over.

While soccer doesn't favor height quite as much as other sports--Peter Crouch is an obvious example of this--Diego clearly belongs on this list. To be a professional in any sport at 5'5 is hard enough, but Maradona was among the all-time best, drug abuse or not. His "Hand of God" goal against England in the '86 semifinals is one of the most internationally famous plays in all of sports. Plus, I got to see him score a goal in person against the shitty Greek nationals at the '94 World Cup, the last goal of his World Cup career--so he's making the list regardless.

Lionel Messi

"What? We just did a soccer player!" Shut the fuck up. I don't care. He gets compared to Maradona all the time, so sticking him here makes the most sense. Now, there may be some debate as to whether I have fudged my own criteria, as Messi is listed at 5'6 1/2 by wikipedia. However, most sources have him listed as 169cm, which translates to a little under 5'6, so I'm letting this happen.

While Messi doesn't have anything as interesting as a speech impediment or a drug addiction (yet), he did have a growth hormone deficiency growing up, which is worth something in my book. When he signed with FC Barcelona, at age 11, he was barely over 5' and 100 pounds. Today, he's regarded as one of the best footballers in the world, having won back-to-back-to-back AAU National Championships (whoops, I meant Young Player of the Year Awards, sorry).

David Eckstein

David Eckstein doesn't get a video because he's never done anything exciting enough to make into a video. I hate David Eckstein. He's overrated, overhyped, and overpaid. But because I artificially limited my list to athletes 5'6 and under, he's the only legitimate player in Major League Baseball I could find that was short enough. Eddie Gaedel, the dwarf that Bill Veeck trotted out as a publicity stunt for the St. Louis Browns in 1951, stood only 3'7, but he also had only one at bat, and could hardly be called an athlete. Joe Morgan, a two-time NL MVP, almost made the cut at 5'7.

Fuck you, David Eckstein.

(On further examination, Freddie Patek, an all-star shortstop for the Royals during the 1970s, was only 5'5 and would make a perfect addition to this list. However, I've decided to leave the Eckstein section in, because seriously, fuck you, David).

Scott Hamilton

Scott Hamilton is 5'4. He won the Gold Medal in Figure Skating at the 1984 Olympics in Sarajevo. Apparently, he's not gay, so go figure, right? However, he is adopted, so we can still make fun of him for that.

Rod Tidwell

Okay, I admit, Cuba Gooding Jr is a little bit too tall for this list. But that doesn't necessarily mean Rod Tidwell is too tall. Jack Bauer is clearly taller than Kiefer Sutherland--why can't Rod Tidwell be a little shorter than Cuba? From the movie, all we know is that he's "undersized," and that's all I need. Plus, he's the fourth-leading receiver in Arizona Cardinals history, and he goes over the middle! Case closed.

This list could go on, but I'm getting a little bored, and I think you all get the idea. So here's to the greatest Mouseketeers of all-time! Next up: a more interesting list of athletes.