Over/Under, Volume VII

In many cultures, the number 7 is considered lucky, a phenomenon I have never understood. The whole idea of lucky numbers is untenable, but beyond that, there's just nothing about 7 that makes it special.

Since this is nominally a sports blog, let's considered some famous number 7s in sports, shall we? Alcoholic. Pussy. Dog-killer. Horse-face. A bunch of fegos, if you ask me. And, speaking of shitty number 7s, what about son-of-a-horse-face? This dode not only has his own website--totally undeserved in the first place--but check it out: it's .org. I know that the internet is pretty informal, and that .com, .net, and .org and virtually interchangeable in many respects, but come on--jackelway.org? Really? It may have fallen by the wayside, but originally, the .org designation was intended for non-profit organizations, not over-privileged pieces of shit like Ken Doll-way here. Ask our Colorado correspondent, Mr. N'Diaye, and he'll confirm that Li'l Seabiscuit has been profiting from his famous name for some time (see: his facebook pics). As a fellow member of the Aryan race, I'm ashamed to share fair skin, blue eyes, and blonde hair with this turd. He looks like the orgy child of Patches O'houlihan, Barbaro, and Sarah Jessica Parker, liberally seasoned with all the learning disabilities of the rainbow. The best reason why that website is a crock of shit, though, is that he doesn't even play football anymore! I won't be the first to speculate where he's spending his newfound, chlamydiae-riddled free time.

Given all this, it's hard to see why the number 7 gets special treatment. In fact, like many of you, I feel a little sorry for 7, having to associate with such high-octane douche bags. But fear not, number 7, for your moment of glory has arrived: five nugs of the dankest, stickiest, ickiest Over/Unders south of B.C., and they've got your number on 'em. Drink it in, 7, it don't get any better:

• 0.5 - number of boob jobs for Kelly Hall. Gotta credit the Dream for turning me on to this breaking story. This is barely an Over/Under, but I figured it needed to be shared with the world, and since our resident college football expert is still living in the dial-up age, I'll take responsibility. Hall, a Georgia cheerleader and girlfriend of UGA product Matt Stafford, has been sporting a different look since her beau became QB1 of the Detroit Lions. All the details and legwork are at Busted Coverage, so check that out, decide for yourself, and then friend her on facebook! (For additional consideration: if you took the over, whose decision do you think it was?) OVER/UNDER?

• 30,000,000 - number of USD that Stephen Strasburg will receive for signing with the Washington Nationals. Strasburg, the #1 pick in the June draft, hasn't played baseball since May, but he's been playing hardball all summer long, apparently demanding a Major League contract worth $50 million--or more. No player taken in the draft has ever exceeded the $10.5M contract signed by Mark Prior, a prospect who in 2001 was touted almost as highly as Strasburg. His agent, Scott Boras, has dangled a number of potential ploys to get more money, including sending Strasburg to Japan for a year. This may be hot air--I imagine Strasburg isn't enthused by the prospect of playing in Japan rather than the big leagues--but with Boras it's nearly impossible to tell. Such a move would be a huge gamble, since it is predicated on Strasburg returning to America the following year as a free agent, which isn't even a given and would require challenging baseball's existing rules. What we do know, however, is that the clock is ticking: Washington has until August 17th to sign him, and if they don't, they lose the right to negotiate with him, so this week should be very interesting for Butters and the other eleven Nats fans. Strasburg is clearly a world-class talent--witness his 23 K game against Utah--but so was Prior, and we know how that turned out. OVER/UNDER?

• 99.9 - percentage of the overall votes received by Ken Griffey Jr when he becomes eligible for the Hall of Fame. This Over/Under is designed in part to put pressure on Oden to write an article about Griffey, because frankly, I will write it if he doesn't. Since I don't want to step on the toes of any posts to come, I'll just say this: no player has ever been named on 100% of his Hall of Fame ballots. Tom Seaver has come the closest at 98.8%. Compared with some HOFers who didn't make the cut--Willie Mays comes to mind--Griffey seems relatively ordinary, but he's got a trick or two up his sleeve: for one thing, he was the most popular player in baseball for the first half of his career, and has remained wildly popular despite decline and bodily deterioration. If you weren't born in the '80s, you don't remember that Junior was about as cool as athletes get, on par with Tiger Woods and Shaquille O'Neal. Also, while Griffey's done nothing particularly relevant to his Hall of Fame case in three years, it gets stronger and stronger each year, as more and more is revealed about the steroid years. Along with Frank Thomas, Griffey is a beacon of light, his name unlinked to any allegations, his numbers genuinely untainted. And what fantastic numbers they are: 623 home runs, 1807 RBIs, a career .914 OPS, 13 All-Star games, 10 Gold Gloves. During his halcyon days in Seattle, Junior won a Gold Glove and made the All-Star team for ten consecutive years, every single year of the '90s. He dominated the league for an entire decade, and then--when other stars in their mid-30s were juicing their way to big numbers--he entered a slow, normal decline, the kind that ballplayers have been enduring for 120 years. While he won't match Barry Bonds' career numbers, from a gambler's perspective, I'd bet on Junior to tally more HOF votes, and he'll deserve them all. Will he be the first player to merit unanimous selection? OVER/UNDER?

• 4.5 - minimum number of participants in an orgy. The word orgy, from the Greek orgia, can refer to a wild party but is more commonly used to describe sex involving multiple partners. For our purpose, this discussion is limited to the sexual connotation only. My question: how many partners does it take for group sex to qualify as an orgy? I've heard of threesomes and foursomes, but are those orgies? Do orgies begun where the "-somes" end, and if so, where do we draw that line? Is five people enough to characterize an orgy? Additional consideration: does the definition depend on the dynamic involved? For example, can a gang bang involving repeated penetration of one subject be called an orgy, based on the total number of participants? Or does an orgy specifically demand that the participants be swapping, switching, and freewheeling like there's no tomorrow? If a buddy told you he participated in an orgy, what would your expectations be? Can you participate in an orgy but only have sex with one person? I feel like these are all ambiguities that need immediate attention. OVER/UNDER?

• 2.5 - minimum number of female participants required for a straight guy to comfortably engage in group sex involving another guy. This Over/Under is really an extension of its predecessor, which is why I've grouped them together at the end to maximize discussion. Now, while this O/U is directed in particular at straight dudes, I encourage anyone reading this blog to give it due consideration. Now, faced with a Playboy Mansion situation where it's you and your boy versus a dream team of bunny hunnies strategically positioned around the grotto, I think virtually everyone would agree that this is a no-brainer. But imagine the opposite end of the spectrum: you are out with a friend and, over the course of the evening, you get propositioned by two down 'n' dirty smokeshows who are DTF, under one condition--four bodies, one bed. I'm not suggesting that you're doing anything obviously gay, but you are in the same bed, and chances are you're going to touch at some point, probably more than once. I just raised the stakes, motherfucker. What's going through your mind right now? Obviously, the hotness of the girls comes into play. The amount of alcohol consumed is also a factor. It probably matters who your friend is, but I'd like to see what people have to say about this. Would you rather have it be a really close friend, someone you're really comfortable with, or a mere acquaintance, so that if shit felt weird afterwards you could easily avoid them for the rest of your life? For additional consideration: is their some kind of ratio that needs to be maintained? What if it was 4 girls but 3 guys? What about a Riggins-Street-Lyla scenario (start watching at 40:00, you won't be disappointed)? Y Tu Mama Tambien? OVER/UNDER?

I'd just like to close by giving a huge shout out to a friend of mine and star of this PSA for the Big Ten Conference. I've probably only seen her twice since her graduation party, but I still think this is pretty sick. Definitely the best athlete I've ever personally known, and a really cool person to boot. Big ups, HilBo. (And she's wearing jorts! What's not to love?)