Over/Under, Volume VIII

Somewhere, lost in the unforgiving deserts of the American southwest, two men sit alone at the end of a forgotten bar. They are gaunt men, withered by the hardships of frontier life, acquainted with a sadness that few will ever know. Their eyes are cast down, and in the afternoon sun, their shadows stretch across the saloon. For a long time, they are silent, unaware that a rider is hurtling towards them over the boiling sand.

Rancher Bill: What time you figure, Tim?

(Cowboy Tim squints out the window)

Cowboy Tim: Three, I reckon, or quarter-past.

(Rancher Bill nods. Cowboy Tim takes a sip of whiskey)

Rancher Bill: How long you been livin' here, Tim?

(Cowboy Tim scratches himself and spits on the floor)

Cowboy Tim: Nigh on sixteen years since I come down from Montana.

(Rancher Bill nods)

Rancher Bill: I been ranchin' the same plot a dirt 46 years now.

(Cowboy Tim whistles, impressed)

Cowboy Tim: Damn near a lifetime in these parts, Bill.

Rancher Bill: Damn near. (Rancher Bill takes a swig of beer) I seen 'em come and go, yessir, but none quite like this.

Cowboy Tim: You mean that, Bill?

Rancher Bill: Ain't the type of thing a man jokes about. She's seen plenty a bad, this town, and even worse--but she died the day that naked fella left.

(Both men finish their drinks)

Cowboy Tim: You know, B--

(Suddenly, a man staggers into the saloon, collapsing on the floor)

The Rider: (gasping) Water...

(Both men approach The Rider)

Rancher Bill: How long you been out in that heat, son?

(The Rider clutches his throat)

Cowboy Tim: (to the bartender) Walt, get the man a drink!

Rancher Bill: Only a damn fool rides in this heat. That sun'll leave you for the vultures an' make no mistake.

(The Rider reaches into his jacket and pulls out a sheaf of papers)

The Rider: He--(gasp)--he said--"Better late than never."

(Rancher Bill takes the papers)

Rancher Bill: "Better late than"--you sweet sonuvabitch! Tim, Walt, Clancy! It's word from the Naked Warrior!

Cowboy Tim: A new shipment of Over/Unders??!

Walt: We're back, boys!

Rancher Bill: (to The Rider) God bless you, son. You saved us. This town'll never forget you, that's a promise.

(The Rider smiles weakly and, as Rancher Bill cradles him, closes his eyes for the last time)

All: A toast to our savior, the Naked Warrior, wherever he may roam!

(End scene)

Disclaimer: No orphans were harmed in this production of Over/Under. Just one rider and his faithful horse.

• 2.5 - peak sales rank of Brett Favre's #4 Vikings jersey. While the NFL doesn't release actual figures on jersey sales, they do release a Top 25 for bestsellers, which functions as a decent barometer of player popularity. At the moment, Jay Cutler's #6 Bears jersey is at the top of the list, but with the return of two former chart-toppers in the last week, Cutler's reign may be short-lived. This is made more likely because the two players in question--Brett Favre and Michael Vick--both signed with new teams, a surefire way to boost your jersey sales. Here's the issue, though: while Favre was the NFL's most popular player for years, inspiring unprecedented displays of jersey-loyalty, many football fans are tired of his act. While the jersey will undoubtedly sell well amongst Vikings fans--I actually don't understand why any Vikes fan would rather have Favre's jersey than AP's--it's unclear whether Minnesota alone will be able to vault him back to the top spot. For additional consideration: Who will sell more jerseys this season, Favre or Vick? Will they both reach the top spot? Will one but not the other? OVER/UNDER?

• 500 - rushing yards for Michael Vick this season. Vick really deserves his own Over/Under, and given what I've been hearing from the talking heads on ESPN, this one makes the most sense. In 2006, before being incarcerated, Vick had the greatest running season ever by a quarterback. This is, in some ways, a dubious distinction, since he had a mediocre season overall. Either way, Vick became the first QB to rush for 1,000 yards in a season, setting the NFL mark at 1,039. He only fumbled 9 times--down from 11 and 16 the previous two years--and lost just three. Now, Vick probably isn't going to be running the way he once did, as his 4.3 speed has likely deteriorated some. However, he'll still be the league's fastest QB the second he steps on the field, and if the Eagles are smart, they'll take full advantage. The poindexters on ESPN keep saying that to succeed in Philly he'll need to become a pocket passer--BULLSHIT. They've got a much better pocket passer in Donovan McNabb. Hell, they've got two, if you count A.J. Feeley. They need Vick to come in and be a big, bad seX Factor, Ron Mexico style. Will Andy Reid call enough design runs for Vick to crack 500 yards? Keep in mind he will miss anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks due to suspension. OVER/UNDER?

• 24 - number of snaps Tom Brady takes in tomorrow's Patriots game. Thankfully, Mrs. Naked Warrior has a real job, the kind that comes with health insurance, bonuses, and a slew of fringe benefits. As a result, I'll be in attendance tomorrow when the Pats play the Bengals, presumably watching the action from a plush suite somewhere. In the words of the nice guy, Aw, noice. Aw, sick, sick. Here's the thing: I've never been to an NFL game, and while this is preseason, it's the closest I figure to get for awhile. Given that, I'd like to see the stars get some reps, so I can approximate the experience of a regular season game. However, I'm marginally a Pats fan, and every time Mr. Handsome walks onto a preseason field, all of New England holds its breath. So how many plays can I expect to see from Gisele's better half? OVER/UNDER?

• 200 - career MLB wins for Stephen Strasburg. As I predicted last week, Strasburg became the newest National late Monday night, signing a record $15.1M contract that some say is valued closer to $19M. That kind of coin will place some awfully big expectations on Strassy, and with good reason. He's being paid like an All-Star without actually being one. Now, as I've said before, he has incredible talent. At the MLB level, though, the results do the talking. Now, I'm aware that wins are a terrible metric for evaluating a pitcher, especially one destined to begin his career in Washington. Still, they give us a very basic idea of his effectiveness, as well as longevity. There's nothing historic about a 3.50 ERA over three seasons, but 200 wins is basically the threshold for Hall of Fame consideration. Only luminaries like Sandy Koufax and Addie Joss get inducted without getting there. This question is similar to the one I posed about Bryce Harper weeks ago, but different in that--while Strasburg is considerably older and requires less projection--pitchers tend to flame out at a much higher rate than hitters. Will Strasburg have the sustained success necessary to win 200 games? Or will he flame out like Mark Prior, who was the proto-Strasburg eight years ago? OVER/UNDER?

• 75 - percentage chance that James Bond is HIV-positive. This question is inspired by an old SNL sketch with Sean Connery that, unfortunately, seems to be missing from the web. In the sketch, Bond is informed by a doctor that he has contracted every STD known to man, and a few that they didn't know existed. He spends the rest of the sketch calling up old Bond girls and awkwardly explaining to them the diseases they might have. It's pretty funny, mostly because Connery pulls it off so well. It got me thinking, though: what are the chances that Bond has HIV/AIDs? Probably pretty high, right? I mean, he's slept with dozens and dozens of women from all over the world, many in circumstances that probably don't allow for contraceptives. Furthermore, I can't imagine a guy as smooth as Bond fumbling around in his wallet for a condom while Christmas Jones or Octopussy wait around, can you? Working in Bond's favor, however, is the fact that AIDs didn't really become prevalent until the '80s and '90s, by which time he had already done some of his best work. Also, Bond girls tend to be a high class group, which also seems to lessen the likelihood. OVER/UNDER?

My apologies go out to the good people of Keibab, AZ. I never meant to hurt you. I will return some day.