Freaks v. 4

Dearest Reader:
Fegonomics is going through a slight facelift, so please pardon our dust. Despite whatever hiccups you may encounter, just know that under the hood, the Fegos you've grown to know and love are still here. We're still going to reference the same shitty TV shows, we're still going to blatantly cop Bill Simmons' style, and we're sure as hell still going to circle jerk over this Adrian Peterson video (My Favorite Mix of All Time):



Stay big guys. Enjoy the freaks.

Herbert Freak
Lane Kiffin

You may be asking yourself, "What the fuck is a Herbert." The culturally elite among us know that Herbert is also more colloquially referred to as the dirty old man from Family Guy. What does this have to do with Lane Kiffin? Well, apparently Nathan Lane Kiffin decided to dangle the proverbial carrot in front of his team during the off-season, promising that those who kept in shape would get a special reward. No, it wasn't a one-on-one Tummy-Sticks session with the good old ball coach (Kinda NSFW), or a mass team circle jerk over the Candace Parker/Shelden Williams Sextape--no, no, it was something far more homoerotic. Their reward was this, the right to pose for a "Men of Tennessee Football" Poster:

Truth be told, I'm not exactly sure what we're looking at. I see All-Neptune Safety Eric Berry draping a chain around himself like some horrendous Princess Leia Cosplay star (Ok, sorry about that picture, here's a good one to soothe the pain, thought it's NSFW). The rest of the guys are staring blankly at the camera with their pants unbuttoned, pretty much oblivious to the fact that they look like Jeff Garthia's love children. And what does the license plate "DBLE T'S" supposed to mean anyway? Tirk Tiggler (Rill Rill NSFW)? It's fucking funny, but nothing about this video makes sense, really.

However, when put against Bruno Kiffin's larger body of work, the coach's sexual deviancy becomes clear. This is the same guy who decided to get recruits excited for UT by having them strip off their shirts while he watched in the wings, kneading his diack like it was Pizza Days dough on NQR night. This is the same guy who got a 13 year old to commit to his school (who conveniently happens to be Eric Berry's kid brother), and will presumably groom him as his resident cabana boy.

Listen, I know that cLANE Aiken has gone through a difficult stretch. It must be extremely humbling to get canned by Cryptkeeper Al Davis, a guy so senile he thinks Pudge Heffelfinger is still in the league. Moreover, ever since he's gotten hired at Tennessee, he's gotten ram jammed with NCAA violations left and right. Clearly, LANcE (Bass) is in over his head in any position of authority, but that is no excuse for him to project his sexual proclivities onto his unsuspecting players in the form of thinly-veiled incentives. A spyda does what a spyda do, but just keep the kids out of it, mayne.

Cognitive Freak
This Poindexter

Hot Clicks beat me to the punch a little bit on this one, but this kid's skills deserve a shout-out nonetheless. I only know a few idiot savants who can solve a rubix cube in under 5 minutes (mah man Huff Daddy), and a handful of dodes who can smash Guitar Hero on expert (Dream, Ernest, etc.). But both at the same time? That's some Kim Peek shit right there.



*Begin Non-Sequitur* Let me dwell on Kim Peek for a second. Not only does cha man have an encyclopaedic knowledge of pretty much anything, he also has perfect pitch, and perfect recall of any song he's ever heard. I mean jigga mean has a snake cock to boot. (Ok, I made that last part up, but would you really be that surprised if he did?). Kim Peek is the exact reason that I started writing about freaks in the first place. Truly an inspiration to us all. *End Non-Sequitur*

What really puts this task over the top is that both of these tasks are based primarily on colors. To be able to parse out the conflicting visual information that was coming into his brain is just incredible. I haven't seen multi-tasking on this level since I stopped rubbing myself while talking to you guys on Gchat. Oh you don't think it's happened to you?! Think again! You just got Smegma'ed!! Too bad he can't bench more than 15 pounds....Hit the weights, son!

Indie Dreamboat Freak
Zooey Deschanel

You know, I'm not the biggest fan of ganja weed. Generally, getting smoked up and doped up leads to me getting all paranoid, fearing that my life is spinning out of control to the guitar solo in Freebird. That being said, I have a really big soft spot in my heart for girls who sound like they're stoned. Don't ask me why, but something about a chick toking up (Kinda NSFW) and then hitting me up for a bag of Cheetos Flamin' Hots just gets me all hot and bothered. Which is why this Zooey Deschanel clip gave me Sienna Miller-level permaboner



Say what you will about Zooey being a generally goofy person, but girl looks like she's about to break out a Taco Town grab bag of munchies. I mean, just watch at the 40 second mark, you saying she doesn't have some of that Cali-weed in her system? Jigga, Please (NSFW).

On top of this, Ms. Deschanel is the star of the summer sleeper hit, and every beta's life-affirming moment, 500 Days of Summer. Truthfully, this is just a really clever, well done movie, and I'd encourage everyone, alpha and omega alike, to check it out if they have the chance. A big reason why this movie seems so believable is that Zooey is exactly the type of girl that guys go meta-beta over. She play the quirky, indie flower child role to a T.

And if that weren't enough, she's one half of indie upstarts She & Him. My plaudits just can't come fast enough for this girl.




I'll just come out and say it. I'm hereby challenging her fiance, Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie fame, to a cock-off for Zooey's hand in marriage. You may be thinking that a cock-off is a weird challenge to make for someone who's traditionally been considered on the lightswitch spectrum. But have you listened to Transatlanticism? There's no way he's sporting more than a tootsie roll. You just got JACKED-UP!