Over/Under, Volume VII

In many cultures, the number 7 is considered lucky, a phenomenon I have never understood. The whole idea of lucky numbers is untenable, but beyond that, there's just nothing about 7 that makes it special.

Since this is nominally a sports blog, let's considered some famous number 7s in sports, shall we? Alcoholic. Pussy. Dog-killer. Horse-face. A bunch of fegos, if you ask me. And, speaking of shitty number 7s, what about son-of-a-horse-face? This dode not only has his own website--totally undeserved in the first place--but check it out: it's .org. I know that the internet is pretty informal, and that .com, .net, and .org and virtually interchangeable in many respects, but come on--jackelway.org? Really? It may have fallen by the wayside, but originally, the .org designation was intended for non-profit organizations, not over-privileged pieces of shit like Ken Doll-way here. Ask our Colorado correspondent, Mr. N'Diaye, and he'll confirm that Li'l Seabiscuit has been profiting from his famous name for some time (see: his facebook pics). As a fellow member of the Aryan race, I'm ashamed to share fair skin, blue eyes, and blonde hair with this turd. He looks like the orgy child of Patches O'houlihan, Barbaro, and Sarah Jessica Parker, liberally seasoned with all the learning disabilities of the rainbow. The best reason why that website is a crock of shit, though, is that he doesn't even play football anymore! I won't be the first to speculate where he's spending his newfound, chlamydiae-riddled free time.

Given all this, it's hard to see why the number 7 gets special treatment. In fact, like many of you, I feel a little sorry for 7, having to associate with such high-octane douche bags. But fear not, number 7, for your moment of glory has arrived: five nugs of the dankest, stickiest, ickiest Over/Unders south of B.C., and they've got your number on 'em. Drink it in, 7, it don't get any better:

• 0.5 - number of boob jobs for Kelly Hall. Gotta credit the Dream for turning me on to this breaking story. This is barely an Over/Under, but I figured it needed to be shared with the world, and since our resident college football expert is still living in the dial-up age, I'll take responsibility. Hall, a Georgia cheerleader and girlfriend of UGA product Matt Stafford, has been sporting a different look since her beau became QB1 of the Detroit Lions. All the details and legwork are at Busted Coverage, so check that out, decide for yourself, and then friend her on facebook! (For additional consideration: if you took the over, whose decision do you think it was?) OVER/UNDER?

• 30,000,000 - number of USD that Stephen Strasburg will receive for signing with the Washington Nationals. Strasburg, the #1 pick in the June draft, hasn't played baseball since May, but he's been playing hardball all summer long, apparently demanding a Major League contract worth $50 million--or more. No player taken in the draft has ever exceeded the $10.5M contract signed by Mark Prior, a prospect who in 2001 was touted almost as highly as Strasburg. His agent, Scott Boras, has dangled a number of potential ploys to get more money, including sending Strasburg to Japan for a year. This may be hot air--I imagine Strasburg isn't enthused by the prospect of playing in Japan rather than the big leagues--but with Boras it's nearly impossible to tell. Such a move would be a huge gamble, since it is predicated on Strasburg returning to America the following year as a free agent, which isn't even a given and would require challenging baseball's existing rules. What we do know, however, is that the clock is ticking: Washington has until August 17th to sign him, and if they don't, they lose the right to negotiate with him, so this week should be very interesting for Butters and the other eleven Nats fans. Strasburg is clearly a world-class talent--witness his 23 K game against Utah--but so was Prior, and we know how that turned out. OVER/UNDER?

• 99.9 - percentage of the overall votes received by Ken Griffey Jr when he becomes eligible for the Hall of Fame. This Over/Under is designed in part to put pressure on Oden to write an article about Griffey, because frankly, I will write it if he doesn't. Since I don't want to step on the toes of any posts to come, I'll just say this: no player has ever been named on 100% of his Hall of Fame ballots. Tom Seaver has come the closest at 98.8%. Compared with some HOFers who didn't make the cut--Willie Mays comes to mind--Griffey seems relatively ordinary, but he's got a trick or two up his sleeve: for one thing, he was the most popular player in baseball for the first half of his career, and has remained wildly popular despite decline and bodily deterioration. If you weren't born in the '80s, you don't remember that Junior was about as cool as athletes get, on par with Tiger Woods and Shaquille O'Neal. Also, while Griffey's done nothing particularly relevant to his Hall of Fame case in three years, it gets stronger and stronger each year, as more and more is revealed about the steroid years. Along with Frank Thomas, Griffey is a beacon of light, his name unlinked to any allegations, his numbers genuinely untainted. And what fantastic numbers they are: 623 home runs, 1807 RBIs, a career .914 OPS, 13 All-Star games, 10 Gold Gloves. During his halcyon days in Seattle, Junior won a Gold Glove and made the All-Star team for ten consecutive years, every single year of the '90s. He dominated the league for an entire decade, and then--when other stars in their mid-30s were juicing their way to big numbers--he entered a slow, normal decline, the kind that ballplayers have been enduring for 120 years. While he won't match Barry Bonds' career numbers, from a gambler's perspective, I'd bet on Junior to tally more HOF votes, and he'll deserve them all. Will he be the first player to merit unanimous selection? OVER/UNDER?

• 4.5 - minimum number of participants in an orgy. The word orgy, from the Greek orgia, can refer to a wild party but is more commonly used to describe sex involving multiple partners. For our purpose, this discussion is limited to the sexual connotation only. My question: how many partners does it take for group sex to qualify as an orgy? I've heard of threesomes and foursomes, but are those orgies? Do orgies begun where the "-somes" end, and if so, where do we draw that line? Is five people enough to characterize an orgy? Additional consideration: does the definition depend on the dynamic involved? For example, can a gang bang involving repeated penetration of one subject be called an orgy, based on the total number of participants? Or does an orgy specifically demand that the participants be swapping, switching, and freewheeling like there's no tomorrow? If a buddy told you he participated in an orgy, what would your expectations be? Can you participate in an orgy but only have sex with one person? I feel like these are all ambiguities that need immediate attention. OVER/UNDER?

• 2.5 - minimum number of female participants required for a straight guy to comfortably engage in group sex involving another guy. This Over/Under is really an extension of its predecessor, which is why I've grouped them together at the end to maximize discussion. Now, while this O/U is directed in particular at straight dudes, I encourage anyone reading this blog to give it due consideration. Now, faced with a Playboy Mansion situation where it's you and your boy versus a dream team of bunny hunnies strategically positioned around the grotto, I think virtually everyone would agree that this is a no-brainer. But imagine the opposite end of the spectrum: you are out with a friend and, over the course of the evening, you get propositioned by two down 'n' dirty smokeshows who are DTF, under one condition--four bodies, one bed. I'm not suggesting that you're doing anything obviously gay, but you are in the same bed, and chances are you're going to touch at some point, probably more than once. I just raised the stakes, motherfucker. What's going through your mind right now? Obviously, the hotness of the girls comes into play. The amount of alcohol consumed is also a factor. It probably matters who your friend is, but I'd like to see what people have to say about this. Would you rather have it be a really close friend, someone you're really comfortable with, or a mere acquaintance, so that if shit felt weird afterwards you could easily avoid them for the rest of your life? For additional consideration: is their some kind of ratio that needs to be maintained? What if it was 4 girls but 3 guys? What about a Riggins-Street-Lyla scenario (start watching at 40:00, you won't be disappointed)? Y Tu Mama Tambien? OVER/UNDER?

I'd just like to close by giving a huge shout out to a friend of mine and star of this PSA for the Big Ten Conference. I've probably only seen her twice since her graduation party, but I still think this is pretty sick. Definitely the best athlete I've ever personally known, and a really cool person to boot. Big ups, HilBo. (And she's wearing jorts! What's not to love?)

Over/Under, Volume II

It's a new week, and you know what that means: a new set of Over/Unders for all you fegos out there.

Addendum to Volume I, courtesy of my girlfriend: an article indicating that Shaun Alexander was a virgin until 2002, when he wed his current wife, Valerie. Not only did the Alexanders abstain from sex, but even stranger, their first kiss wasn't until after their vows were spoken. Now, I know he's a football player and the question was about basketball, but--daaaaaamn. This evidence is definitely eye-opening, when you consider that Alexander went to the University of Alabama (maybe NSFW), and was starring in the NFL for two years before he earned his wings. Food for thought.

Second thing to note is that the fifth Over/Under in this set includes some spoiler information regarding the finale of Friday Night Lights' third season. If you are a fan of FNL but still haven't watched the last season in its entirety, which is really a contradiction in terms, skip the last Over/Under.

And now, let's ring the bell for round two:

• 8.5 - number of starts made by Matthew Stafford for the 2009 Detroit Lions. The Lions obviously loved Stafford enough to make him the number one overall pick, and they loved him enough to give him $41.7M in guaranteed money, but do they love him enough to make him hold the clipboard this season? The Lions are going to be a terrible, terrible team in 2009, whether or not Stafford plays major minutes. Detroit QBs were sacked 52 times last season, the second-most in the NFL, and its likely that whoever steps under center this year will be subjected to similar abuse. Why not let Daunte Culpepper absorb the brunt of this? Culpepper is a former fantasy darling, once projected by Makhtar to throw for 48 TDs and 4,900 yards, but at this point he's just an old, broken down piece of meat. It seems obvious that the Lions ought to heed the cautionary tale of David Carr, another number one pick who was immediately asked to right a sinking ship, only to end up a part of the wreckage. (Note: This commercial is probably the best thing to come out of David Carr's NFL career. Seriously. Also, isn't to funny to think that, at the time this commercial aired, both of the Clemenses were taking HGH? I bet they had to do a few takes because Roger kept accidentally crushing the glass of iced tea he's holding). Still, despite all this, there's every indication that fans, sportswriters, and even the Detroit brass want Stafford to win the starting job. If he does, it'll be about five weeks before he's wishing he was back in college, doing old-fashioned strength and conditioning. OVER/UNDER?

• 495 - number of days remaining on the Scott Steiner Doomsday Clock. I invented the SSDC about 18 months ago, and since Makhtar requested an update, this Over/Under goes out to him. The purpose of the Doomsday Clock is simple: to accurately predict how many days Scott Steiner, known affectionately by his fans as Big Poppa Pump, has to live. It's obvious he doesn't have long, and frankly, I'm surprised he's made it this far. He's a walking, talking, flesh balloon, inflated by every steroid and hormone known to man or beast. Just consider the before and after photos. Even Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa would be embarrassed. At its inception, the Doomsday Clock was around 1,000 days, and so I'd say a generous estimate puts his current death expectancy around Thanksgiving 2010. Enjoy yourself, Scott Steiner, because I'll be buying your Best of Big Poppa Pump Memorial DVD for Makhtar next Christmas. OVER/UNDER?

• 15,000,000 - number of domestic copies sold of a new Michael Jackson album. This is unconfirmed, but rumors are circulating that the late King of Pop had been working on a new album, his first since 2001. Collaborators have been said to include Akon, Kanye West, will.i.am, and possibly others. Given that Mike-love is at an all-time high--his weirdness in life forgiven but not forgotten in death--what type of sales might be expected from a posthumous album? I'm setting the bar awfully high, as 10 million copies is enough for diamond status, and 15 million would put the album even with classics like Born in the USA and Dark Side of the Moon. Still, when you consider the explosion of record sales in the wake of his death and the fact that Thriller remains the best-selling album of all-time, it's hard to bet against him. OVER/UNDER?

• 1.5 - number of sexual partners for Jessica Biel at Tufts University. This is a pretty interesting question and one that will never be answered to my satisfaction. Biel (maybe NSFW), who defies every stereotype about Tufts girls and was named the Sexiest Woman in the World by Esquire in 2005, attended Tufts for three semesters between 2000 and 2002. By the time she got to Tufts, she was already something of a star, having starred in 7th Heaven as a teenager, though her film career didn't take off until after she left. By the time I got to Tufts, her legacy was mostly forgotten, but I've heard whispers that her decision to take a year off and ultimately leave school was the result of some stalker-ish behavior. I also heard that, while living in Tilton as a freshman, she was treated as something of a spectacle, as football players would bring pre-frosh to see her as incentive to come to Tufts. Again, I'm not sure if any of this is really true, but it would certainly explain why she didn't want to remain in Medford. At any rate, my question is this: how many former Tufts students can honestly say they hooked it with the Sexiest Woman Alive? She was here for three semesters and, despite her celebrity status, must've had something resembling a normal college experience. While I can't imagine her dating anyone at Tufts, she must've gotten horny enough to go slumming once in a while, although it probably wasn't anything like this scene (maybe NSFW) from Rules of Attraction. OVER/UNDER?

(SPOILER ALERT)

• 2.5 - number of playoff victories by the East Dillon Lions in the upcoming season of Friday Night Lights. Clearly, the decision to bump Eric Taylor from Dillon High to East Dillon at the end of season three was a masterstroke by the FNL writers, who are among the best on TV. This was a move that had to be made. With Smash Williams and Jason Street long gone and Tim Riggins, Lyla Garrity, and Matt Saracen all moving on, the series had lost almost all of its original stars, with the exception of mainstays Eric and Tammi. They already fudged the ages once--Riggins and Lyla were seniors in Season One, juniors in Season Two, and a seniors again in Season Three--and couldn't afford to do it again. I mean, damn, how many years of eligibility can Riggins have? And how long can 28-year-old Taylor Kitsch be expected to play an 18-year-old farm boy with an advanced upper body? No, the show needed to grow, and that couldn't happen with the same setting and the same characters. That's the most interesting and unusual problem that FNL presents for its writers. Most shows follow the lives of people, meaning that they can change and grow with the characters, but FNL doesn't. Instead, it follows the life of a town--Dillon, Texas. Now, sure, Eric and Tammi are the main characters by default, but they are hardly the focus of the show. Remember in Season Two when Eric leaves to take the assistant coaching job at TMU? That didn't work in the long run because it took him out of Dillon. The series struggled that season in part because it's best and most effective character was isolated from the rest of the show. Eric Taylor isn't interesting enough to carry a series on his own. To be relevant, he needs Dillon, just like Dillon needs him. When characters leave Dillon, like Smash and Street have, they fade into obscurity, occasionally reappearing but remaining in the rearview mirror. This is tricky for the show, because it is constantly in need of new characters and can never rely on one character to carry the show for long, but it is also one of FNL's subtlest strengths. Unlike most TV shows, which run for years and years following the same characters in the same places, FNL is much more dynamic, more true to life. People don't stay in the same place for ten years. Friends don't live together, work together, get coffee together for ten years. People move. Jobs change. Life moves you. A show like Friends is comforting because it deludes you into believing you can live across the hall from your buddies forever. Scrubs gives you hope that you and your best friend can stick together--through college, through med school, through residency--and eventually end up working in the same place. FNL is different. It embraces the fact that people come and go through life, that as close as you might be to someone in a certain place or time, Texas doesn't last Forever. The only constant is Dillon, where the people change but the town stays the same, which makes the show so compelling. By moving Eric across town, Friday Night Lights has given itself a new lease on life, a new school with a new team and all new characters in the town we have come to know and love. The question now becomes: how far can he can lead them? This Over/Under assumes that East Dillon will make it to State--I can't imagine the writers will let them fall short of that--but how far can they go? The Texas State playoffs have four rounds: Regional Playoffs, Quarterfinals, Semifinals, and Finals. Four wins is a State Title. In his first two seasons as Coach, Eric has been to the State Finals twice, winning one and losing one (Season Two was cut short before State). Can he make it back a third time? Is it too unrealistic for the fledgling Lions to make the State Finals? Clearly, the football is the least realistic aspect of FNL, but this would be an especially tall order for a first-year team. Two wins means they lose in the semis, so if you take the over, you think Coach T is up the task. I know I can't wait to find out. OVER/UNDER?

Volume II is in the books, chodes. Get after it.