Over/Under, Volume VI

Given the desperate state of affairs in this country, the rising tide of joblessness breaking bulwarks and breaching levees across the nation, many Americans are facing the harsh reality that employment is a privilege, not a divine right. This climate has necessitated an attitude adjustment that is reflected in, among other things, the movies we watch.

Take, for example, Office Space, the groundbreaking comedy by Mike Judge, creator of Beavis and Butthead. Just a decade ago, Office Space celebrated slacking, encouraged insubordination, and raised bitching about your job to an art form:

Office Space is a cult classic for a reason, and if you haven't seen it, NetFlix that shit with the quickness. A word of caution, though: while it remains truly hilarious, if you watch it today, Office Space can't help but seem a little dated. It's a relic from an era in which the economy was booming, jobs were plentiful, and guys like Peter, Michael, and Samir were free to bitch because, hey, there's gotta be something better than Initech out there.

You don't have to go further than the tag line--"Work sucks"--to see how times have changed. Yeah, work does suck. Work has always sucked. Sitting on the stoop getting day-drunk and listening to hip hop will always trump. But can you imagine a movie with that tag line coming out now? No, you can't, because Americans today just wouldn't be having that. Oh, work sucks? You hate your job? Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! Who has the patience to put up with some whiny pussy complaining about their shitty job with shitty benefits and shitty medical insurance and shitty, shitty company Christmas party with the karaoke machine and drunk guy who loves Neil Diamond when their eyes are bleeding from reading Craigslist want ads for eleven hours?

Look, I love Office Space. I own it, it's a classic, and I bust it out at least once a year. It's got a great ensemble cast that shines without a real focal point. With one glorious exception, this film was the apex of all its actors' careers, though Lumbergh has recently resurfaced with appearances in Pineapple Express and Entourage. Still, in spite of its ample awesomeness, the truth is that when Office Space comes on Comedy Central at three in the afternoon, it serves as a grim reminder to those of us at home watching that it wasn't always this way.

Now that I've ruined a beloved movie, let's roll out the Volume VI Over/Unders. Just take a little test drive to see how she handles:

• 2.5 - wins by Pedro Martinez in 2009, including playoffs. Pedro's back!!!...!...? If I could use only punctuation to describe my feelings about Pedro signing with the Phillies, I think I would go with "!!!...!...?" When Office Space came out, I was twelve, and Pedro was in the midst of the greatest pitching run I had ever seen. Dream covered his All-Star heroics a few posts ago, so I won't step on his toes, but consider this: Pedro's 99-00 may not be the best two-year run by a pitcher in baseball history, but relative to his competition, no one has ever been better. He won back-to-back unanimous Cy Youngs--only Greg Maddux and SteRoidger Clemens have equaled this feat--went 41-10 (.804) while the rest of the team went 138-135 (.505), and posted a 1.90 ERA while the rest of the AL clocked in around 4.90. His adjusted-ERA (ERA+) was 243 in 1999 (third-best since World War I, 9th all-time), and in 2000, he posted the best ERA+ (291) in 120 years and the second best in the history. For good measure, he also struck out 597 batters, and had 15 wins coming into the '99 ASB. Flash-forward a decade and... well, to look at him, he's almost the same. Same wry smile, same silky cocoa butter skin, same--arm? Uh, no, not exactly. The arm that once touched 98 now works between 84 and 86, and while his change-up is still a weapon, he can't set it up the way he once could. People around baseball have been saying for years that Pedro is one of the smartest players they've ever known, and if anyone can compete with diminished stuff, it's probably him. Yet, as much as I love to see my boyhood idol back in uniform, the way he got knocked around last year was cringe-worthy. With Cliff Lee joining Martinez and Cole Hamels in the rotation, the Phillies look playoff-bound, meaning Pedro should have one more shot at greatness on the grand stage. Will we get one more signature moment before the legend rides off into the bronze Cooperstown sunset? OVER/UNDER?

• 20,000,000 - number of HBO subscribers who will tune in for the Seinfeld reunion slated for this season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I kind of struggled with how to phrase this Over/Under, so if you can come up with a better way, keep it to yourself. I run the Over/Unders in this town. TimeWarner claims that there are 40 million HBO subscribers in the U.S. When Seinfeld aired its final episode, marking the last time the cast appeared together on screen, over 76 million Americans tuned in. Obviously, this question is different, since I'm artificially limiting the scope to HBO subscribers because its a premium cable channel (I'm sure many more will watch it online). Will it draw over half? Or does Curb lack the universal appeal of its predecessor? OVER/UNDER?

• 100 - games remaining in Stephon Marbury's NBA career. This Over/Under was inspired by this article by Scoop Jackson, an insightful and thought-provoking piece on Marbury's very public shame spiral. Jackson's article inspired me to read The Last Shot, Darcy Frey's chronicle of the Abraham Lincoln High School basketball team. Frey followed the team--Lincoln is a Brooklyn high school consisting largely of poor blacks from the most dangerous parts of Coney Island--during the 1991 season, when they were defending New York City high school champions and a 14-year-old freshman phenom named Stephon Marbury made his debut. The book, which came out in during Marbury's senior season in 1994, is an extremely good read, and I recommend it highly, especially in light of Marbury's current situation. I won't go into too much detail, but basically, the book is scary perceptive. Frey takes us inside Marbury's world and shows us how, at 14, he's already facing the unrealistic expectations that will eventually ruin him. The pressure Marbury faces--pressure that, combined with his own destructive impulses, will get the better of him--is conveyed beautifully. Hindsight is 20/20, and in The Last Shot, you see the rest of his career--still unknown to him--unfolding before your eyes. For once in his life, Stephon Marbury is a sympathetic character, an endorsement that should be intriguing enough by itself. Today, Starbury is 32, and a free agent that no one seems to want. NBA players age faster than other athletes, so 32 isn't so young anymore, but it's hardly ancient. Mark Jackson, a lesser talent but a greater player than Marbury, played almost 600 games after turning 32. Steph is still just two years removed from a solid campaign, and while he may never be a star again, he would have years ahead as a role player if not for the stigma that rightfully surrounds him. Does he deserve another chance? Will anyone give him one? OVER/UNDER?

• 4.5 - number of female support staffers whose assholes will be scrutinized by Makhtar. If you've spent enough time around Makh, then you know he's an ass man. And not just the ass itself--he likes the ashya, but he loves the asshole. Specifically, he loves talking about it: "I would sniff"--(cue sniffing motion and noise)--"that asshole." Or: "I would root around in that asshole" (italics for emphasis). If myself, Makhtar, Dream, and the rest of the crew make it up to Woodstock for a couple of days, I can only assume that there will be a few young ladies who will be surprised to find a hulking Asian guy from Saw leering at them when they turn around. (Is this going too far? Somebody stopppppppp me!) OVER/UNDER?

• 50 - number of different Earth women impregnated by Superman. As some of you may know, I'm involved with a book project involving the Man of Steel. Unfortunately, the work I've been doing has little to do with Superman's sexual proclivities, which are of great interest to me. Now, part of Superman's enduring appeal is the relationship he has with his human alter-ego, Clark Kent. Anyone could be Clark Kent. Despite having massive shoulders and the ability to conceal a unitard beneath his suit, Clark Kent is generally portrayed as a pussy. He's mild-mannered--a trait typical of fegos everywhere--and his would-be squeeze, Lois Lane, regards him as too milquetoast to consider bumping uglies. Like most women, Lois is attracted to alpha-males, and Clark Kent is straight beta. Enter Superman, who can fly, reflect bullets, and crush meteors. Just the kind of stuff that gets girls wet. Lois is all about the Man of Steel, but unfortunately, they can't be together because of Superman's commitment to justice and for her own safety and blah blah blah. Or so the comics would have children believe. Those of us who've read The Game know better. Superman could settle down with Lois--this ain't no Batman shit, alright, Superman's got the world on lock--but why would he? He can fly around the world and fuck whoever he wants, whenever he wants. Not that Lois would understand--but she doesn't know, so it won't hurt her. Meanwhile, Supe's got his LTR back in Metropolis, and HB10s with legs spread all over the world. A pretty sweet deal, right? A couple of issues, though: for one thing, they don't make Kryptonite condoms, and ain't no Latex or lambskin gonna stop that Super Sperm. The paternity suits would be coming fast and furious. More crucial, though, is this question: does Superman, in addition to super strength and super speed, have super morality? Would the ethical compass that compels him to defend humanity allow him to take on a set of barely-legal Brazilian triplets, especially considering the ramifications of their inevitable impending pregnancy? Yet, in many ways, Superman is human, having been raised among us. Would he give in to temptation, and how many times? OVER/UNDER?

If you made it this far, congratulations, you've conquered the longest Over/Under in history. But for you intrepid few, the journey has just begun--because, while I don't care what your opinions are, someone else might.