Get 'em while they hot...
- 7 - number of episodes of The T.O. Show that air before cancellation. We all knew that T.O. would find a way to stay in the spotlight despite playing in one of America's shittiest cities. What we didn't know was how. With his recent appearance on and subsequent elimination from ABC's Superstars--where he was outdone by such brilliant performers as the Doritos girl and Lightswitch Iglesias' older brother before being humiliated by his own teammate (maybe now he knows how Donovan McNabb feels)--we might have seen this coming. Recently, VH1 announced they were giving T.O. his own eponymous reality TV show, releasing this promotional picture specifically for the Makhtar demographic. In all honesty, reality TV might be a better medium for Owens' to express himself than football, given that reality TV and egomania--T.O.'s specialty--were made for each other. Owens doesn't need attention. He craves it to an extent that rivals physical dependence. For him, the prospect of playing in Buffalo must be similar to a crackhead quitting cold turkey, and The T.O. Show is a symptom of his withdrawal. In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, self-actualization rests at the top, and for Owens, self-actualization is contingent upon observation. Despite his enormous physical gifts (see: the promotional picture), Owens' insecurity is dwarfed only by his ego, and he expresses this insecurity through the need to be observed. Achievement isn't enough for him. He needs an audience to witness and revel in his feats or it's as if they didn't happen. If T.O. scores a touchdown, but nobody is around to see it, is it still worth six points? Remember in the movie Mystery Men how Kel's character, Invisible Boy, can only disappear when no one is looking? Owens, it seems, fears a similar fate--that when the cameras turn off and the fans go home, T.O. himself will disappear. This ill-fated reality show is just another attempt to stave off invisibility. Now, as for the show itself, its most obvious forebear is The Magic Hour, Magic Johnson's extremely brief and comically awful talk show. Magic was on the air for eight painful weeks, and his show is remembered as one of the worst of all-time. That's setting the bar pretty low, and The T.O. Show also has the advantage of being reality TV as opposed to a talk show, so Owens won't have to do anything live and will have the benefit of, I can only imagine, generous editing. Still, while making it through the first season seems a stretch, if Bret Michaels and Scott Baio can thrive on reality TV, literally anyone can. OVER/UNDER?
- 56.5 - number of home runs by Albert Pujols this season. Albert the Great aka The Almighty Pujols is currently on pace for 59 dingers, and despite a sub-par showing in the Home Run Derby, has come blazing out of the gate in the second half. Homers, of course, are only part of Pujols' incredible game, and he was recently described by Bill James as possibly the perfect player. James is one of the most respected and innovative baseball analysts to ever crunch a number, so if he's making a claim like this, there's probably plenty of evidence. I won't bore you with the details, but if you're interested, mosey over to Pujols' page on Baseball-Reference and see for yourself. Coming off an an eight-year run that stacks up favorably with almost any in baseball history, Pujols is outdoing himself this season, leading the league in virtually every significant batting category outside of batting average, where he is third. His adjusted OPS (which reflects a player's contributions relative to the environment in which he performs, taking into account factors like ballpark and era) is currently the highest among non-juicers since Ted Williams and Mickey Mantle in 1957. When you add in the fact that he's a superb defender and a superior base-runner, it's easy to see where James is coming from. Barring a momentous upset, this will be Pujols' third MVP award, making him the only the third player ever to win three MVPs before the age of 30 (Stan "The Man" Musial and Barry "Backne" Bonds are the others). But can Pujols become the first clean player to touch 60 since Maris? OVER/UNDER?
- 0.5 - number of articles posted on Fegonomics by Coach Coolbaugh in 2009. Like fellow coach and Fegonomics favorite Eric Taylor, Dean Coolbaugh hails from the Lone Star state, the steak-eatin'est, square-dancin'est, football-playin'est state in the upper forty-eight. Like Taylor, Coolbaugh came from humble means, paying his dues in high school ball before landing a dream job at his alma mater, Texas Tech. Taking over for reputed mad scientist Mike Leach, Coolbaugh made sweeping changes, eschewing the way Leach occasionally punted or refused to go for that extra TD to make it 48-3 with 0:12 remaining. The Red Raiders responded immediately to Coolbaugh's cutthroat attitude and folksy Texan sensibilities, and within a few seasons, Tech had registered a perfect season and claimed multiple National Titles. Coolbaugh, however, wasn't satisfied with his dominance, and eventually left his dream job for what many called a nightmare: the head coaching position at Northwestern. Insisting that this would be his greatest challenge and cement his legacy as college football's best coach, Coolbaugh took control of a Northwestern squad that hadn't won a bowl game since the Truman years, bringing along his longtime assistant and protege, Kenneth D. Hogensen. After a couple of lean years, people around college football began to question Coolbaugh's genius, but he would soon prove them wrong, completing another undefeated season and winning another National Title, the first in school history. After his victory, Coolbaugh shocked millions by announcing his retirement, saying that he had "nothing left to prove in this game or any other." In a surprise move, Coolbaugh accepted an offer to become a contributing editor at the upstart sports blog Fegonomics, a signing that was heralded at the time as a major coup for the young website. However, in almost nine months with the site, Coolbaugh has yet to produce a single article. While some believe this is one of the Coach's famous ploys, an attempt to lull the readership into a state of complacency before unleashing one of his patented gadget posts, skeptics have begun to question whether Coolbaugh has still got the chops. Time, it seems, will tell. OVER/UNDER?
- 145 - number of times Makhtar says "Don't Close" next weekend at Wildwood. While it is undeniable that I am the Progenitor of all mankind, the timeless father of humanity and ancestor to us all, even I am forced to admit that Makhtar is the progenitor of almost every stupidly addictive catch-phrase known to fegos. His talent is unparalleled. A hundred Phallus Coopers chained to a hundred typewriters with a hundred 30-racks of Natty Ice couldn't match Makhtar's prolific career. Already the creator of such standbys as "Striii," "OOOPS!!," "Waaaaaaaaaoow," "Oh, graaayt," and "lightswitch, bay-bay," he unveiled his latest prototype last night: "Don't close," taken from this video (VERY NSFW). Like so many before, the debut of "Don't close" was met with strong support, but does it have the legs of a "Striii" or will it burn itself out like "OOOPS!!"? Analysts agree that Wildwood will be a pivotal testing ground for the new phrase. OVER/UNDER?
- 16.5 - minimum age a girl must be for a guy to safely admit he thinks she's hot. This, my friends, is Wooderson's Dilemma, a question as old as these girls are young. Now, the name may be a misnomer, since clearly, Wooderson didn't have much of a dilemma. Regardless, this question is a tribute to him, because at some level, every guy is a Wooderson. Guys like younger girls. This is not up for debate. If you need any evidence, feel free to contact my friend RJ, and I'm sure he'll happily share with you Phannenstill's Corollary (possibly NSFW?). As an aside, a lot of girls like older guys, but I digress... Wooderson's Dilemma simply states that, as guys get older, the girls they are attracted to generally remain in the same age range. The reason this is a dilemma is because, when I was 18 and a senior in high school, I definitely thought there were some cute sophomore girls running around. They were 15 or 16, but hey, nobody thought it was skeevy at the time. Now, however, I'm 22, and if I were to express such an opinion in certain company, I'd elicit a reaction to the effect of "Dude, those girls are not old." So, to avoid being stigmatized, I keep my mouth shut, but if I'm honest with myself... some girls mature early, and... well, there are some still some cute sophomores running around. Yet, if I continue to believe this, society will judge me more and more harshly as I get older. By seventeen, there are some undeniably cute girls out there, and I might get away with saying so now--but what about when I'm 28? Does it become creepy then? If 18 is legal, does that mean it's fair game for guys of any age to admit a girl is hot? This issue has become far more complicated in recent years with more and more teenage girls becoming famous as jailbait sex symbols. Britney (age 16), Mandy (15), Miley (16)--RJ could write a thesis. Is the scale different for celebrity chicks? Why or why not? What I want to distinguish is where the line is drawn between the creepy, dangerous sketchballs--the Humbert Humberts--and the playful, harmless Woodersons. How old does she have to be before I can recognize her as a member of Babe Nation--and does it depend on how old I am? OVER/UNDER?
Looks like my job is done--the world made safe for fegos for at least another week. But will Scott Steiner be so lucky?
Alright I'm breaking my silence to contribute to the over/under discourse.
ReplyDelete1. I think the better line for this would be 1.5 seasons, because that cuts to the heart of the matter that there is no way this show gets picked up for a second season. To answer this particular question I research the show I feel John Hollinger would say is the most similar to the Owens show and that is Denise Richards: It's Complicated. Season one was 9 episodes and season two has been 6 so far. I still don't think the TO show will get picked up for a second season, but I didn't think the Denise Richards show would either. In any case, I think the season will be more that 7 episodes.
2. Are we sure Pujols is clean? After Arod, no one is safe in my mind. Either way, I'll take the over.
3. Over. This is presuming he reads the blog/knows it exists. I think he'll post one given he was called out in this post if he reads it. Without the callout or if he doesn't read it I say under.
4. This is my stone cold lock of the year. I haven't seen the video and can only imagine what the context is, but if it's like any other catch phrase Makhtar will obliterate the 145 mark before his third beer on Friday night.
5. Over. I'd say 18 is the age where you can safely admit it regardless of company, unless it's some kind of situation where it's inappropriate to be talking at all about how hot anyone is, but that's not a world I try to live in. In safe company, the answer changes. I prefer the word "potential" for the 16 and under crowd with the exception of certain celebrities (in 3 years holla at me miley cyrus). 17 I would probably eschew the "potential" tag and move on to hot. I'll freely admit this in the company of my fellow fegos and homies. It's safe to say that if you're a chick and you hear me say a 16 year old is hot, you are considered "just one of the guys" and I do not want to have sex with you.
Mr. Warrior, you have brought new life to the blog and for that I am immensely grateful. Keep killin it.
Let me preface this by saying that the Fegonomist's comments were all on point. He is the voice of the people.
ReplyDelete1. Over. Fegonomist speak truth, this show will run for an entire season. Whether or not it makes any mark on the cultural landscape is TBD. Let me say if this show made it 25 episodes, anything is posiibbbblllleeee.
2. Over. Still less than the 85 smashed by Jon Dowd in my MVP Baseball 2007 season simulation.
3. Over. The peer pressure will get to him, and he'll post a vlog post of him rubbing himself to a Zooey Deschanel "cotton" commercial.
4. Under. Ubiquity is longevity in the catch phrase industry. Though I love the idea of fashioning a phrase out of something overheard in a hardcore pornography, I just don't see in what context this phrase would be used. Unless I find a diaper to smash from behind, I just don't see myself saying "Don't Close" to Coach Coolbaugh throwing bladey flicks....that being said I fucking love this phrase.
5. Under. Whatever age Mandy Moore is in the candy video is the socially acceptable age floor. After all, who wouldn't want to sniff this
1. Over. This is mainly because I don't honestly know too many shows that don't make it through an entire season. Especially ones that contain famous people. Will it be good? No. Will I watch it? Probably. That promo picture is really something. A lot of man meat without showing the man meat, ifyaknowwhatimsayin.
ReplyDelete2. Under. As races get tighter, he'll start getting walked more (not that he's short on free passes already). However, I echo the Fegonomist here as well. Do we know he's clean? As far as I'm concerned, there is only one player we can really be sure has been clean his entire career. I know who it is. You know who it is. And I know that you know that I know who it is. Junior. Who else could elicit this reaction to make an attendance of 18,000 feel like a sellout (Safeco holds 45,000)? Let's walk through this clip:
0:00 - First of all, the genius that posted this clip on YouTube did not quite set enough of the scene: Yes Griffey was a pinch hitter. Yes it was the 8th inning. Also, however, the Mariners were down 2 and there were two outs.
0:05 - Note that there is a conference at the mound between the pitcher, the catcher, and the pitching coach to discuss the pitch sequence.
0:36 - Pitcher Tony Pena "takes the sign," which lasts about 0.2 seconds because they already talked about exactly how to approach Griffey.
0:42 - Picturesque Junior swing.
0:43 - Classic Junior hop-skip when he knows he got one.
0:48 - Ball clears the fence. Mayhem ensues.
Same play for the television viewer.
3. Over. Having not written a "front page" article myself, I am in a similar boat. I've come close several times, whether it be venting over Blazer management holding Rudy Fernandez out of a game even though he was fine after a Trevor Ariza flagrant just to make a point to the league (this ended up costing the Blazers a win since they didn't have a reliable second unit outside shooter and were beat at home in overtime by the 76ers' zone the very next game, a loss that proved to be the difference between the 2nd and 4th seed in the Western Conference and pitted them against the Houston Rockets instead of the New Orleans Hornets in the first round... but I digress) OR something, um, probably about Griffey. So I'm fairly confident I'll write a post soon, and I have to think Coach Coolbaugh will as well.
4. Over. Well over. The professor above is spot on again, as I think this is an absolute lock. I'm am not swayed by Makhtar himself claiming otherwise. Having recently viewed the content in question, it seems to me that the "Don't Close" phrase will be repeated 3-4 times per instance and will shatter the 145 mark early in the weekend. I actually think there will be upwards of 145 separate instances, so Makhtar could near quadruple digits before we know it.
5. Under. As a few of my [closer] friends here will tell you, I'm fairly often guilty of professing my admiration for those who "appear" to be 15 (though I strongly argue otherwise--about their age, not the fact that I think they're hot). But hey, it's not like these girls aren't mature. If they're hot, they're hot. My buddy and I are actually also to the point where we call out a girl's future, as in "Damn, she's gonna be hot." I won't go into how young some of these girls are.
I do have a pretty great story related to this though. Two years ago, my buddy (different buddy) and I were driving along one of the streets in our home town when he says "Couple potenciales on the right!" ("potenciales," as in "potentials" in Spanish--clever, right?) Well, we drive by, check them out, and of course, it's his 14 year old sister and her friend. Potenciales, indeed. He died a little that day.