1. I thought that this "Freaks of the Week" business was going to be a lot easier than it has turned out to be. You know, I thought that I'd see a Jarron Gilbert here and a little Heather Brooke there, and the article would write itself. What I failed to recognize is that we're currently in a Pro-Sports no man's land, especially with baseball at its All-star break. If you've had the misfortune of flipping to ESPN recently, you've probably realized that all they're showing right now is the World Look at My Pubes competition, and the Fossilman picking his ass. I guess what I'm saying is, enjoy the dregs, the best is yet to come.
2. (Unrelated to point 1) I got felt up in a restaurant by a kid who was twitching around in a wheelchair. I think we all recognize that this is the most action I've gotten in pretty much a year. I think the whole "FML" thing has jumped the shark, so here's its heir apparent: waaaoooowwwwwww.
Onto the freaks:
90 Inches of Pain Freak
Anthony Randolph
Don't let his Earthworm like physique fool you--Randolph is a straight up baller. I realize that it's kinda like saying that he won a Planet Fitness Body Building competition, but Randolph has been tearing up the NBA Summer league (Though there's a 60% chance that one of his opponents was the original Makhtar N'Diaye). The guys at FreeDarko have been rubbing themselves over him for quite some time, and it looks like their preoccupation has not been in vain. Brotha man tied the Vegas summer league record for points with 42 against the Bulls. Sure, the former record holder was the immortal Von "Necco" Wafer (Speaking of Wafer, he's part of the funniest look-a-like galleries I've ever seen, esp. Battier), but Randolph's summer league line is nonetheless impressive: 26.8 pts, 8.5 'bounds, 3 Blocks and 60.5% FG pct per game.
At 6'10" with a 7'6" wingspan, Randolph certainly has the measurables you'd want in a hybrid 3/4 (Aside from being built like Prancer). And the man can certainly show people how his ass tastes:
But certainly the big guy's best marginal advantage is his ability to handle the ball. How many 7 foot salamanders can do this:
And let's just be thankful that he shoots better then this Asian Guy from Saw.
Anthony Randolph
Don't let his Earthworm like physique fool you--Randolph is a straight up baller. I realize that it's kinda like saying that he won a Planet Fitness Body Building competition, but Randolph has been tearing up the NBA Summer league (Though there's a 60% chance that one of his opponents was the original Makhtar N'Diaye). The guys at FreeDarko have been rubbing themselves over him for quite some time, and it looks like their preoccupation has not been in vain. Brotha man tied the Vegas summer league record for points with 42 against the Bulls. Sure, the former record holder was the immortal Von "Necco" Wafer (Speaking of Wafer, he's part of the funniest look-a-like galleries I've ever seen, esp. Battier), but Randolph's summer league line is nonetheless impressive: 26.8 pts, 8.5 'bounds, 3 Blocks and 60.5% FG pct per game.
At 6'10" with a 7'6" wingspan, Randolph certainly has the measurables you'd want in a hybrid 3/4 (Aside from being built like Prancer). And the man can certainly show people how his ass tastes:
But certainly the big guy's best marginal advantage is his ability to handle the ball. How many 7 foot salamanders can do this:
And let's just be thankful that he shoots better then this Asian Guy from Saw.
Mass Monster Freak
Brock Lesnar - UFC Heavyweight Champion
Brock Lesnar - UFC Heavyweight Champion
Surprise, surprise, Makhtar dips from the wrestling well again. I mean just look at that picture, Brock has literally no neck--his massive, massive traps have simply devoured the area his neck used to occupy. Brock's doesn't have the size or definition of our favorite, Ronnie Coleman, or even his long-time rival, Jay "Soy Sauce" Cutler, but his functional strength is off the charts. How do I know? Well...last weekend he ANAL-yzed MMA legend Frank Mir to unify the UFC heavyweight titles. If you haven't seen the footage, here it is. The neckless one served up 10 minutes of utter domination. Here's what Frank Mir Looked like after the fight:
I haven't seen a piece of meat so old and broken down since the end of this Kimbo Slice fight (Borderline NSFW, hideous ending).
At 6'3", 265 lbs, Lesnar represents the new prototype for the burgeoning MMA's heavyweight division. Not only does he often outweigh his opponents by 30 or 40 pounds (Mir weighs in at 240), but he's also generally faster and more technically proficient than his counterparts. Lesnar was a legit collegiate wrestler, as runner up to future NFL'er Stephen Neal in 1999, and winning the NCAA Heavyweight championship in 2000. The Lesnar/Neal matchup is fairly ironic, as both men both went on to ply their trade in the NFL, with varying success. The fact that Brock made it to the last cut of Minnesota Vikings camp, despite not having played since sophomore year of high school is impressive. Though, perhaps not as impressive as this(GOTCHA!).
Oh yeah, this is fucking funny, too:
I haven't seen a piece of meat so old and broken down since the end of this Kimbo Slice fight (Borderline NSFW, hideous ending).At 6'3", 265 lbs, Lesnar represents the new prototype for the burgeoning MMA's heavyweight division. Not only does he often outweigh his opponents by 30 or 40 pounds (Mir weighs in at 240), but he's also generally faster and more technically proficient than his counterparts. Lesnar was a legit collegiate wrestler, as runner up to future NFL'er Stephen Neal in 1999, and winning the NCAA Heavyweight championship in 2000. The Lesnar/Neal matchup is fairly ironic, as both men both went on to ply their trade in the NFL, with varying success. The fact that Brock made it to the last cut of Minnesota Vikings camp, despite not having played since sophomore year of high school is impressive. Though, perhaps not as impressive as this(GOTCHA!).
Oh yeah, this is fucking funny, too:
Freak in the Sheets
Emmanuelle Chriqui
The new season of Entourage premiered last weekend, and frat boys across the nation collectively jizzed their pants. By this point, the show's gotten pretty played out, primarily because the characters are so damn predictable. Vince is aloof, E is a meta beta, Lloyd is gay, Drama is dramatic, and Turtle is a worthless piece of shit. Plain and simple, that shit don't change. But, as flaccid and worthless as the guys on Entourage are, the girls are equally as FOINE. One needs to look no further than Sloane as proof of this point. I'd rather not devote more space to a show that's leapt well over the shark, so here's more Sloane to end the post. Soldiers OUT.
Emmanuelle Chriqui
The new season of Entourage premiered last weekend, and frat boys across the nation collectively jizzed their pants. By this point, the show's gotten pretty played out, primarily because the characters are so damn predictable. Vince is aloof, E is a meta beta, Lloyd is gay, Drama is dramatic, and Turtle is a worthless piece of shit. Plain and simple, that shit don't change. But, as flaccid and worthless as the guys on Entourage are, the girls are equally as FOINE. One needs to look no further than Sloane as proof of this point. I'd rather not devote more space to a show that's leapt well over the shark, so here's more Sloane to end the post. Soldiers OUT.
The only thing that lures me back to watching that show instead of Skinemax, Hotel Confessions, 11pm on Sunday nights, is the fact that they consistently snag the creme de la cremepie of female celebrities. Someone needs to go azz2azz with Lloyd by the end of season or I see diminishing returns on the viewership.
ReplyDeleteIt really is sad how far Entourage has fallen. That show seemed visionary for its time and place during the first two seasons, but alas, they just haven't been able to keep things fresh.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is the same one we visited in the Friday Night Lights discussion. Entourage's appeal is based on the idea that you can get paid, get famous, and still roll with your crew from the block. They can't split up the fego-amigos, because that is the basis for the show, but none of them can grow as characters because nothing ever changes. Five seasons have gone by and virtually nothing has happened. The characters are all caricatures of themselves, and while that can work on a show like Seinfeld--where each episode is its own entity--it doesn't work for Entourage, because the show insists on developing extended story arcs but doesn't allow the characters to change. A show can be driven by character development or plot development, but at some point, plot development has to lead to character development or the audience will get bored. This is the stage we are at with Entourage. Yeah, guys our age will keep watching because of the chicks, drugs, and sweet cars, but we're all fed with the characters themselves because they're kept in a state of perpetually infancy. Now, some might say that the infantile nature of the characters is part of their charm, and I would agree, except that this charm ran its course three seasons ago.
It's patently obvious that the show needs to reinvent itself, and if the writers are smart, they'll make some big changes (they probably should've let Ari take the studio head job last season). Lloyd's transition from assistant to agent isn't nearly drastic enough. It'll be a risk, given that Entourage has relied so heavily on the four-friends-stick-together-through-it-all card for the life of the show, but splitting up the gang is the only way to keep the show from traveling the same tired ground for another season or two before ultimately getting axed. But who knows, maybe that is its destiny, in which case--bring on the babes.