By this point, I think that we've all written paeans about the perfection of the human form(yeah, really pretty much as NSFW as you can get), but I think that I am an especially frequent offender. Hell, my favorite sporting event of the year is the NFL combine. Other people will dismiss the combine as a meaningless event, pointing to combine warriors like Mike Mamula and Brian Bosworth who ended up getting ram jammed in the League, and they're probably right. However, I love the mere concept of the combine--everything from the subtley racist overtones of having rich, white team owners watching freakishly athletic black men run around in Under Armour spandex to the NFL network's coverage. Sure, it's a meat market, but that's exactly why I love it.
So what better way to honor something you love than institutionalizing it and writing about it in near pornographic detail? From here on out, I'll send weekly reports from the trenches about who's moving on up (Note: I reserve the right to use the term "Freak" liberally. Athletic freaks, freaks of cock, freaky deaky girls, freaks who piss me off--nothing's off limits. Ah, fuck, we all know I'll probably just end up writing about people who piss me every time). Let's see where this goes:
Specimen #1:
Jordan Crawford
Ok, Jordan Crawford may sound like fegolicious, teeny-bopping Aaron Carter wannabe. But who is he really? Well, he's the baaaaad man who eviscerated Lebron James at LBJ's own camp. Unfortunately, we'll never be able to rub ourselves to the Zapruder film of the slam, as Nike has destroyed all traces of the event, like some sort of Men in Black.I'm a little surprised at Nike's short-sightedness on this. What, they didn't realize that by making a big deal out of the dunk, and confiscating all evidence, Crawford's feat would take on Digglerian proportions (really NSFW)? I realize that he's called King James, but this isn't actual fucking regicide. Would having some footage of the Chosen One getting dunked on really damage his legacy that badly? You know what hurts his cred even more? Building an entire ad campaign around cha man and the man of a thousand faces, only to have Bron Bron not even make the finals. We may never see the dunk in question, so I made the mixtape to watch in its stead, sure it's not a perfect replacement, but it's sure to go over better than the famous Fresh Prince Aunt Viv swap. (Edit: That first dunk is the definition of a Video Game Dunk. I can't even do that shit in NBA 2k9's dunk contest functionality).
New Prototype #2
Greg Jones - FB, Jacksonville Jaguars *Former RB at FSU
Full disclosure, Greg Jones hasn't really done anything special this week. I was just watching some of his videos in gathering material for this post, and I thought that he needed a shout-out. The big guy was patient zero for the term "Pumpkin Shoulders". He looks like a mix between Scott Steiner and the Black guy from Northeastern's Ultimate team. Unfortunately, he made the switch to FB in coming to the NFL, and nothing's really been heard of him since. Sure, he is one of the best FB's in the League, but that's like saying you're the hottest girl at Tufts. A true 6 becomes a 9 like that. I love power runners, after all I am the Tony Hunt of this blog, so enjoy the meast in his element:
Greg Jones - FB, Jacksonville Jaguars *Former RB at FSU
Full disclosure, Greg Jones hasn't really done anything special this week. I was just watching some of his videos in gathering material for this post, and I thought that he needed a shout-out. The big guy was patient zero for the term "Pumpkin Shoulders". He looks like a mix between Scott Steiner and the Black guy from Northeastern's Ultimate team. Unfortunately, he made the switch to FB in coming to the NFL, and nothing's really been heard of him since. Sure, he is one of the best FB's in the League, but that's like saying you're the hottest girl at Tufts. A true 6 becomes a 9 like that. I love power runners, after all I am the Tony Hunt of this blog, so enjoy the meast in his element:Freaks and Geeks #3
The Fetus Bodies of Planet Fitness
The Fetus Bodies of Planet Fitness
Some trusted affiliates on the inside sent me this link. A little background for those too lazy to read a New York Times column: Planet Fitness is the real life equivalent of Average Joe's from Dodgeball, a gym built on the "We love you just the way you are" ethos. Deeming its confines a "Judgment Free Zone," Planet Fitness is designed for the people who love the concept of getting in shape more than the actual process.
Some of their rules, such as prohibiting lifters from dropping weights, are pretty standard. But others, such as the ban on grunting or weights over 60 pounds, are just downright ridiculous. Whats more, based on the article, it sounds as though Planet Fitness denizens are indoctrinated with the idea that it's bad to be big. To be too cut or too strong is a primal character flaw to these people. This flips the very idea of going to the gym on its head. So if the end result of legitimately lifting weights is mocked, then what is the end game these lightweight babys are looking for? This "gym" just doesn't make any sense.
And for those of you who think that the New York Times article is an isolated case built on hyperbole, my source on the inside says this is not the case. In his first few months at Planet Lightweight, not only has he been accosted for making too much noise while lifting a rather pedestrian weight (read: 40 pound bench.), but he's taken part in their Pizzeria Uno's giveaways. Yes, you read that right jortsfans, they give away pieces of Uno's in the gym. What's next, Milkshake water coolers? Fucking Cookie Dough Sport vending machines? Oh, I get it, you want to make this a reality.
Stay Small, Planet Fatness. (Edit: I was just kidding about the 40 pound bench. It was more like 60).
Some of their rules, such as prohibiting lifters from dropping weights, are pretty standard. But others, such as the ban on grunting or weights over 60 pounds, are just downright ridiculous. Whats more, based on the article, it sounds as though Planet Fitness denizens are indoctrinated with the idea that it's bad to be big. To be too cut or too strong is a primal character flaw to these people. This flips the very idea of going to the gym on its head. So if the end result of legitimately lifting weights is mocked, then what is the end game these lightweight babys are looking for? This "gym" just doesn't make any sense.
And for those of you who think that the New York Times article is an isolated case built on hyperbole, my source on the inside says this is not the case. In his first few months at Planet Lightweight, not only has he been accosted for making too much noise while lifting a rather pedestrian weight (read: 40 pound bench.), but he's taken part in their Pizzeria Uno's giveaways. Yes, you read that right jortsfans, they give away pieces of Uno's in the gym. What's next, Milkshake water coolers? Fucking Cookie Dough Sport vending machines? Oh, I get it, you want to make this a reality.
Stay Small, Planet Fatness. (Edit: I was just kidding about the 40 pound bench. It was more like 60).
Watching BJ Raji's specter decimate Rich Eisen fucking cracks me up.
ReplyDeleteWow. Two things stand out:
ReplyDelete1) That Rich Eisen video deserves a standing ovation. Now, as evidenced by this post, some people love the NFL Network. I, on the other hand, generally find it tiresome and redundant. If there's one sport that receives all together too much media coverage, then surely, it's the NFL. Now, I like football, but the two-week hypefest that precedes the Super Bowl has become a joke in and of itself, and to me, the NFL Network has always been an extension of this. However, having seen this video, I may be forced to reconsider. Watching Rich Eisen run the slowest 40 time in combine history would have been enough, but the way they use space age technology to ridicule him in front of his coworkers--all formerly world class athletes--is simply outstanding. The best thing to come out of the NFL Network since this video (http://adland.tv/commercials/nfl-network-its-good-be-rich-2003-010-usa), which fittingly also featured Rich Eisen.
2) That Planet Fluffness shit is a goddamn disgrace. I can't believe you didn't mention the "Lunk Alarm," a giant flashing light and siren combo that goes off every time a lifter grunts, drops weight, or sweats. Does anyone else smell the hypocrisy here? They are so concerned with everyone being able to exercise in a judgment-free environment, and yet for tiny, inadvertent infractions, they set off a HUGE FUCKING ALARM that is designed to humiliate the perpetrator in front of the entire gym. Not only is this gym the antithesis of everything a gym should be, but their tactics smack of resentment, as if they employees are trying to get back at the guys who bullied them in high school. Who started this gym, anyway, Steve Urkel? Even Carlton Banks had some meat on his bones. Sounds the dodes at this gym need to get Rich Eisen-ized by Deion and company.
The sad thing is I actually have a membership to Planet Fego. The second time I was there, I set off the Lunk alarm, which is this huge fucking siren. Everyone looked at me as if I dropped the biggest fucking Nagasaki fart bomb ever. A few weeks ago, I got "caught" deadlifting "too aggressively." I almost OOPSed the barbell on his face. The only redeeming factor is that I secretly judge the fat people that use the vibrating chairs. I get excited just thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteGreg Jones looks like Mr. Eko. #icanfinallymakelostreferences
ReplyDelete