Over/Under, Volume IV

Well, another week has passed, meaning that the Earth has traveled 18,144,000 kilometers through space, your share of the National Debt has increased by $2, Scott Steiner has cheated death seven more times, and I've got a fresh batch of Over/Unders for all you starving guys and dolls. This volume's a doozy, but trust me, it's worth the read.

Get 'em while they hot...

• 7 - number of episodes of The T.O. Show that air before cancellation. We all knew that T.O. would find a way to stay in the spotlight despite playing in one of America's shittiest cities. What we didn't know was how. With his recent appearance on and subsequent elimination from ABC's Superstars--where he was outdone by such brilliant performers as the Doritos girl and Lightswitch Iglesias' older brother before being humiliated by his own teammate (maybe now he knows how Donovan McNabb feels)--we might have seen this coming. Recently, VH1 announced they were giving T.O. his own eponymous reality TV show, releasing this promotional picture specifically for the Makhtar demographic. In all honesty, reality TV might be a better medium for Owens' to express himself than football, given that reality TV and egomania--T.O.'s specialty--were made for each other. Owens doesn't need attention. He craves it to an extent that rivals physical dependence. For him, the prospect of playing in Buffalo must be similar to a crackhead quitting cold turkey, and The T.O. Show is a symptom of his withdrawal. In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, self-actualization rests at the top, and for Owens, self-actualization is contingent upon observation. Despite his enormous physical gifts (see: the promotional picture), Owens' insecurity is dwarfed only by his ego, and he expresses this insecurity through the need to be observed. Achievement isn't enough for him. He needs an audience to witness and revel in his feats or it's as if they didn't happen. If T.O. scores a touchdown, but nobody is around to see it, is it still worth six points? Remember in the movie Mystery Men how Kel's character, Invisible Boy, can only disappear when no one is looking? Owens, it seems, fears a similar fate--that when the cameras turn off and the fans go home, T.O. himself will disappear. This ill-fated reality show is just another attempt to stave off invisibility. Now, as for the show itself, its most obvious forebear is The Magic Hour, Magic Johnson's extremely brief and comically awful talk show. Magic was on the air for eight painful weeks, and his show is remembered as one of the worst of all-time. That's setting the bar pretty low, and The T.O. Show also has the advantage of being reality TV as opposed to a talk show, so Owens won't have to do anything live and will have the benefit of, I can only imagine, generous editing. Still, while making it through the first season seems a stretch, if Bret Michaels and Scott Baio can thrive on reality TV, literally anyone can. OVER/UNDER?   

• 56.5 - number of home runs by Albert Pujols this season. Albert the Great aka The Almighty Pujols is currently on pace for 59 dingers, and despite a sub-par showing in the Home Run Derby, has come blazing out of the gate in the second half. Homers, of course, are only part of Pujols' incredible game, and he was recently described by Bill James as possibly the perfect player. James is one of the most respected and innovative baseball analysts to ever crunch a number, so if he's making a claim like this, there's probably plenty of evidence. I won't bore you with the details, but if you're interested, mosey over to Pujols' page on Baseball-Reference and see for yourself. Coming off an an eight-year run that stacks up favorably with almost any in baseball history, Pujols is outdoing himself this season, leading the league in virtually every significant batting category outside of batting average, where he is third. His adjusted OPS (which reflects a player's contributions relative to the environment in which he performs, taking into account factors like ballpark and era) is currently the highest among non-juicers since Ted Williams and Mickey Mantle in 1957. When you add in the fact that he's a superb defender and a superior base-runner, it's easy to see where James is coming from. Barring a momentous upset, this will be Pujols' third MVP award, making him the only the third player ever to win three MVPs before the age of 30 (Stan "The Man" Musial and Barry "Backne" Bonds are the others). But can Pujols become the first clean player to touch 60 since Maris? OVER/UNDER?  

• 0.5 - number of articles posted on Fegonomics by Coach Coolbaugh in 2009. Like fellow coach and Fegonomics favorite Eric Taylor, Dean Coolbaugh hails from the Lone Star state, the steak-eatin'est, square-dancin'est, football-playin'est state in the upper forty-eight. Like Taylor, Coolbaugh came from humble means, paying his dues in high school ball before landing a dream job at his alma mater, Texas Tech. Taking over for reputed mad scientist Mike Leach, Coolbaugh made sweeping changes, eschewing the way Leach occasionally punted or refused to go for that extra TD to make it 48-3 with 0:12 remaining. The Red Raiders responded immediately to Coolbaugh's cutthroat attitude and folksy Texan sensibilities, and within a few seasons, Tech had registered a perfect season and claimed multiple National Titles. Coolbaugh, however, wasn't satisfied with his dominance, and eventually left his dream job for what many called a nightmare: the head coaching position at Northwestern. Insisting that this would be his greatest challenge and cement his legacy as college football's best coach, Coolbaugh took control of a Northwestern squad that hadn't won a bowl game since the Truman years, bringing along his longtime assistant and protege, Kenneth D. Hogensen. After a couple of lean years, people around college football began to question Coolbaugh's genius, but he would soon prove them wrong, completing another undefeated season and winning another National Title, the first in school history. After his victory, Coolbaugh shocked millions by announcing his retirement, saying that he had "nothing left to prove in this game or any other." In a surprise move, Coolbaugh accepted an offer to become a contributing editor at the upstart sports blog Fegonomics, a signing that was heralded at the time as a major coup for the young website. However, in almost nine months with the site, Coolbaugh has yet to produce a single article. While some believe this is one of the Coach's famous ploys, an attempt to lull the readership into a state of complacency before unleashing one of his patented gadget posts, skeptics have begun to question whether Coolbaugh has still got the chops. Time, it seems, will tell. OVER/UNDER?

• 145 - number of times Makhtar says "Don't Close" next weekend at Wildwood. While it is undeniable that I am the Progenitor of all mankind, the timeless father of humanity and ancestor to us all, even I am forced to admit that Makhtar is the progenitor of almost every stupidly addictive catch-phrase known to fegos. His talent is unparalleled. A hundred Phallus Coopers chained to a hundred typewriters with a hundred 30-racks of Natty Ice couldn't match Makhtar's prolific career. Already the creator of such standbys as "Striii," "OOOPS!!," "Waaaaaaaaaoow," "Oh, graaayt," and "lightswitch, bay-bay," he unveiled his latest prototype last night: "Don't close," taken from this video (VERY NSFW). Like so many before, the debut of "Don't close" was met with strong support, but does it have the legs of a "Striii" or will it burn itself out like "OOOPS!!"? Analysts agree that Wildwood will be a pivotal testing ground for the new phrase. OVER/UNDER?

• 16.5 - minimum age a girl must be for a guy to safely admit he thinks she's hot. This, my friends, is Wooderson's Dilemma, a question as old as these girls are young. Now, the name may be a misnomer, since clearly, Wooderson didn't have much of a dilemma. Regardless, this question is a tribute to him, because at some level, every guy is a Wooderson. Guys like younger girls. This is not up for debate. If you need any evidence, feel free to contact my friend RJ, and I'm sure he'll happily share with you Phannenstill's Corollary (possibly NSFW?). As an aside, a lot of girls like older guys, but I digress... Wooderson's Dilemma simply states that, as guys get older, the girls they are attracted to generally remain in the same age range. The reason this is a dilemma is because, when I was 18 and a senior in high school, I definitely thought there were some cute sophomore girls running around. They were 15 or 16, but hey, nobody thought it was skeevy at the time. Now, however, I'm 22, and if I were to express such an opinion in certain company, I'd elicit a reaction to the effect of "Dude, those girls are not old." So, to avoid being stigmatized, I keep my mouth shut, but if I'm honest with myself... some girls mature early, and... well, there are some still some cute sophomores running around. Yet, if I continue to believe this, society will judge me more and more harshly as I get older. By seventeen, there are some undeniably cute girls out there, and I might get away with saying so now--but what about when I'm 28? Does it become creepy then? If 18 is legal, does that mean it's fair game for guys of any age to admit a girl is hot? This issue has become far more complicated in recent years with more and more teenage girls becoming famous as jailbait sex symbols. Britney (age 16), Mandy (15), Miley (16)--RJ could write a thesis. Is the scale different for celebrity chicks? Why or why not? What I want to distinguish is where the line is drawn between the creepy, dangerous sketchballs--the Humbert Humberts--and the playful, harmless Woodersons. How old does she have to be before I can recognize her as a member of Babe Nation--and does it depend on how old I am? OVER/UNDER?

Looks like my job is done--the world made safe for fegos for at least another week. But will Scott Steiner be so lucky?

Over/Under, Volume II

It's a new week, and you know what that means: a new set of Over/Unders for all you fegos out there.

Addendum to Volume I, courtesy of my girlfriend: an article indicating that Shaun Alexander was a virgin until 2002, when he wed his current wife, Valerie. Not only did the Alexanders abstain from sex, but even stranger, their first kiss wasn't until after their vows were spoken. Now, I know he's a football player and the question was about basketball, but--daaaaaamn. This evidence is definitely eye-opening, when you consider that Alexander went to the University of Alabama (maybe NSFW), and was starring in the NFL for two years before he earned his wings. Food for thought.

Second thing to note is that the fifth Over/Under in this set includes some spoiler information regarding the finale of Friday Night Lights' third season. If you are a fan of FNL but still haven't watched the last season in its entirety, which is really a contradiction in terms, skip the last Over/Under.

And now, let's ring the bell for round two:

• 8.5 - number of starts made by Matthew Stafford for the 2009 Detroit Lions. The Lions obviously loved Stafford enough to make him the number one overall pick, and they loved him enough to give him $41.7M in guaranteed money, but do they love him enough to make him hold the clipboard this season? The Lions are going to be a terrible, terrible team in 2009, whether or not Stafford plays major minutes. Detroit QBs were sacked 52 times last season, the second-most in the NFL, and its likely that whoever steps under center this year will be subjected to similar abuse. Why not let Daunte Culpepper absorb the brunt of this? Culpepper is a former fantasy darling, once projected by Makhtar to throw for 48 TDs and 4,900 yards, but at this point he's just an old, broken down piece of meat. It seems obvious that the Lions ought to heed the cautionary tale of David Carr, another number one pick who was immediately asked to right a sinking ship, only to end up a part of the wreckage. (Note: This commercial is probably the best thing to come out of David Carr's NFL career. Seriously. Also, isn't to funny to think that, at the time this commercial aired, both of the Clemenses were taking HGH? I bet they had to do a few takes because Roger kept accidentally crushing the glass of iced tea he's holding). Still, despite all this, there's every indication that fans, sportswriters, and even the Detroit brass want Stafford to win the starting job. If he does, it'll be about five weeks before he's wishing he was back in college, doing old-fashioned strength and conditioning. OVER/UNDER?

• 495 - number of days remaining on the Scott Steiner Doomsday Clock. I invented the SSDC about 18 months ago, and since Makhtar requested an update, this Over/Under goes out to him. The purpose of the Doomsday Clock is simple: to accurately predict how many days Scott Steiner, known affectionately by his fans as Big Poppa Pump, has to live. It's obvious he doesn't have long, and frankly, I'm surprised he's made it this far. He's a walking, talking, flesh balloon, inflated by every steroid and hormone known to man or beast. Just consider the before and after photos. Even Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa would be embarrassed. At its inception, the Doomsday Clock was around 1,000 days, and so I'd say a generous estimate puts his current death expectancy around Thanksgiving 2010. Enjoy yourself, Scott Steiner, because I'll be buying your Best of Big Poppa Pump Memorial DVD for Makhtar next Christmas. OVER/UNDER?

• 15,000,000 - number of domestic copies sold of a new Michael Jackson album. This is unconfirmed, but rumors are circulating that the late King of Pop had been working on a new album, his first since 2001. Collaborators have been said to include Akon, Kanye West, will.i.am, and possibly others. Given that Mike-love is at an all-time high--his weirdness in life forgiven but not forgotten in death--what type of sales might be expected from a posthumous album? I'm setting the bar awfully high, as 10 million copies is enough for diamond status, and 15 million would put the album even with classics like Born in the USA and Dark Side of the Moon. Still, when you consider the explosion of record sales in the wake of his death and the fact that Thriller remains the best-selling album of all-time, it's hard to bet against him. OVER/UNDER?

• 1.5 - number of sexual partners for Jessica Biel at Tufts University. This is a pretty interesting question and one that will never be answered to my satisfaction. Biel (maybe NSFW), who defies every stereotype about Tufts girls and was named the Sexiest Woman in the World by Esquire in 2005, attended Tufts for three semesters between 2000 and 2002. By the time she got to Tufts, she was already something of a star, having starred in 7th Heaven as a teenager, though her film career didn't take off until after she left. By the time I got to Tufts, her legacy was mostly forgotten, but I've heard whispers that her decision to take a year off and ultimately leave school was the result of some stalker-ish behavior. I also heard that, while living in Tilton as a freshman, she was treated as something of a spectacle, as football players would bring pre-frosh to see her as incentive to come to Tufts. Again, I'm not sure if any of this is really true, but it would certainly explain why she didn't want to remain in Medford. At any rate, my question is this: how many former Tufts students can honestly say they hooked it with the Sexiest Woman Alive? She was here for three semesters and, despite her celebrity status, must've had something resembling a normal college experience. While I can't imagine her dating anyone at Tufts, she must've gotten horny enough to go slumming once in a while, although it probably wasn't anything like this scene (maybe NSFW) from Rules of Attraction. OVER/UNDER?

(SPOILER ALERT)

• 2.5 - number of playoff victories by the East Dillon Lions in the upcoming season of Friday Night Lights. Clearly, the decision to bump Eric Taylor from Dillon High to East Dillon at the end of season three was a masterstroke by the FNL writers, who are among the best on TV. This was a move that had to be made. With Smash Williams and Jason Street long gone and Tim Riggins, Lyla Garrity, and Matt Saracen all moving on, the series had lost almost all of its original stars, with the exception of mainstays Eric and Tammi. They already fudged the ages once--Riggins and Lyla were seniors in Season One, juniors in Season Two, and a seniors again in Season Three--and couldn't afford to do it again. I mean, damn, how many years of eligibility can Riggins have? And how long can 28-year-old Taylor Kitsch be expected to play an 18-year-old farm boy with an advanced upper body? No, the show needed to grow, and that couldn't happen with the same setting and the same characters. That's the most interesting and unusual problem that FNL presents for its writers. Most shows follow the lives of people, meaning that they can change and grow with the characters, but FNL doesn't. Instead, it follows the life of a town--Dillon, Texas. Now, sure, Eric and Tammi are the main characters by default, but they are hardly the focus of the show. Remember in Season Two when Eric leaves to take the assistant coaching job at TMU? That didn't work in the long run because it took him out of Dillon. The series struggled that season in part because it's best and most effective character was isolated from the rest of the show. Eric Taylor isn't interesting enough to carry a series on his own. To be relevant, he needs Dillon, just like Dillon needs him. When characters leave Dillon, like Smash and Street have, they fade into obscurity, occasionally reappearing but remaining in the rearview mirror. This is tricky for the show, because it is constantly in need of new characters and can never rely on one character to carry the show for long, but it is also one of FNL's subtlest strengths. Unlike most TV shows, which run for years and years following the same characters in the same places, FNL is much more dynamic, more true to life. People don't stay in the same place for ten years. Friends don't live together, work together, get coffee together for ten years. People move. Jobs change. Life moves you. A show like Friends is comforting because it deludes you into believing you can live across the hall from your buddies forever. Scrubs gives you hope that you and your best friend can stick together--through college, through med school, through residency--and eventually end up working in the same place. FNL is different. It embraces the fact that people come and go through life, that as close as you might be to someone in a certain place or time, Texas doesn't last Forever. The only constant is Dillon, where the people change but the town stays the same, which makes the show so compelling. By moving Eric across town, Friday Night Lights has given itself a new lease on life, a new school with a new team and all new characters in the town we have come to know and love. The question now becomes: how far can he can lead them? This Over/Under assumes that East Dillon will make it to State--I can't imagine the writers will let them fall short of that--but how far can they go? The Texas State playoffs have four rounds: Regional Playoffs, Quarterfinals, Semifinals, and Finals. Four wins is a State Title. In his first two seasons as Coach, Eric has been to the State Finals twice, winning one and losing one (Season Two was cut short before State). Can he make it back a third time? Is it too unrealistic for the fledgling Lions to make the State Finals? Clearly, the football is the least realistic aspect of FNL, but this would be an especially tall order for a first-year team. Two wins means they lose in the semis, so if you take the over, you think Coach T is up the task. I know I can't wait to find out. OVER/UNDER?

Volume II is in the books, chodes. Get after it.