Over/Under, Volume III

Every day, attractive people of all genders, creeds and colors approach me with the same question: "Mr. Naked Warrior, sir, how do you come up with such fascinating Over/Unders?" This is usually followed by some sort of sexual proposition which, sadly, I'm forced to decline. 

The truth of it is--even I don't know. They just come to me. At work, in the shower, watching TV, swimming in the pool, whenever. I can't control it. Everybody's got a gift--Coolbaugh's smooth at trivia, Dream grows a mean dirty sanchez, even Makhtar's lightswitch is a fully-functioning Roto-Rooter--and mine happens to be Over/Unders. Lucky for all you fegos.

And, with that, we're off...

• 17.5 - number of technical fouls by Rasheed Wallace in 2009-10. Big Sheed, he of the bald spot and insatiable love of weed, has calmed down some since his Blazer days, when he set the record for technical fouls in 1999-00 with 38, only to break that record the very next year with 40. Still, he's been in the league's top three each of the last six seasons, with a high-water mark of 27 in 2004-05. Now, he's a member of the green and gold, meaning he's the newest lieutenant in KG's Army of Intensity. It seems to me this could go one of two ways: (1) Sheed is scared straight by KG's squeezing the air of a basketball during intrasquad practice and reforms his ways; (2) KG's intensity rubs off, but it has the opposite effect, and Sheed boils over like an unwatched pot. Regardless, the Celtics could use a little shake 'n bake, and Sheed's got it in spades. OVER/UNDER?

• 0.5 - number of high-fives for Juan Uribe after teammate Jonathan Sanchez threw a no-hitter. Sanchez, the least of the Giants' young flame-throwers, was thrust back into the rotation when Randy Johnson went on the DL for mullet withdrawal. Well, Sanchez did pretty good, throwing the first no-hitter of the 2009 season. Of course, it would've been even better, if not for the Giants shit-brick third baseman, Uribe. In the 8th inning, while working a perfect game--which would have been only the 16th of the modern era--Sanchez got Chase Headley to ground softly to third, where Uribe fumbled the ball like T-Wolf Bradley circa sophomore year. Now, I'm mostly an arm-chair third baseman, but I think Oden can confirm that this was a pretty routine play. Watch the video. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? Uribe, who is by all accounts a fat, moldy piece of shit, can't step up when his pitcher is five outs away from immortality and pitching in front of his father for the first time? Bravo, Juan, bravo. You just made my list of finalists for Fego of the Year. OVER/UNDER?

• 165 - number of minutes spent in the bathroom by Joey Chestnut on the Fourth of July. Chestnut--aka "The All-American Feedbag" aka "The Human Trough"--took home his third consecutive Mustard Belt in the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, consuming a record 68 snausage links in ten minutes. Afterward, the Chesty said he had room for more, setting his sights firmly on the Big Seven-Oh, once thought unreachable, the holy grail of hot dog eating. However, given that JC doesn't surge-and-purge like these worthless chodes, he must log some serious toilet time dropping those 68 kids off at the pool. My question is, how much? Chestnut is a power-eater--but is he a power-pooper? It takes me a solid 35 minutes to evacuate my system after eating at Golden Corral. Hell, Butters needs an hour after meals, easy, and that's when he doesn't eat dairy. How much can the human anus even handle? Is it like that episode of South Park where Stan's dad goes toe-to-toe with Bono? Are any of Chestnut's logs roasting on the open fire that is Mr. Poop? This real-life Chest Rockwell consumed almost 21,000 calories in one sitting, so how much can he poop? (BONUS FACT: His dad's name is Merlin Chestnut. Suck on that, Tim Duncan). OVER/UNDER?

• 9.5 - number of gay players currently on NFL rosters. This question might be considered an extension of the NBA virgins Over/Under, but really, it deserves its own discussion. Now, I don't think anyone would dispute that the NFL is generally regarded as the "manliest" of the four major sports, though this might be splitting hairs since they are all pretty fucking manly. What this manliness means, however, is potentially debatable. Yes, the game has its Travis Henrys, men who unabashedly impregnate different women in a stunning displays of virility and stupidity. At the same time, though, Queer Studies professors at liberal universities everywhere (don't worry, College of the Ozarks, I know you're good to go) have begun to speculate about the homo-erotic overtones inherent in male bonding and the locker room lifestyle, causing Makhtar to further question his sexuality as his examines the chiseled physiques of this week's Freaks. Statistically speaking, studies have shown that between 2 and 3 percent of the population admit to being openly gay, though there may be just as many who remain closeted for fear of being stigmatized. With almost 1,700 players on NFL rosters, some have to be light in the loafers (not that there's anything wrong with that). In 2007, John Amaechi became the first openly gay man to have played in the NBA, prompting Tim Hardaway to tarnish his outstanding reputation as a player by exposing himself as the black John Rocker. Methinks, despite the Hardaways of the world, an ex-NFL player isn't far from following in Amaechi's footsteps. (Note: there's actually already been one). OVER/UNDER?

• 38.5 - combined number of times the Jonas Brothers masturbate in an average week. I'll try to keep my comments as brief as possible, but for me, there's a lot to be said here. For those you without TV, without internet, without radio, and who go grocery shopping only at co-ops and farmers markets, the Jonas Brothers are the latest sensation created by the people at Disney responsible for corrupting America's youth. They consist of three members: Nick, the "talented" one; Joe, the frontman; and Kevin, the creepy one along for the ride. Nick, the youngest, is 15, while Joe and Kevin are 19 and 21, respectively. Now, ordinarily, Trips Right Jonas wouldn't be any more interesting than other shitty boy bands like O-Town, LFO, and Frosted Tips (look for them next fall!), save for one thing:

OMG!!@! WTF IS THAT AWESOMENESS??!/?

That, my fellow fegos, is a purity ring. We won't go into the specifics because, mercifully, the good people at South Park have already done that for us, but the basic idea is that wearing one signifies that you are foregoing sex until marriage. Now, okay, this is a basic Christian value. Well and good. And, you know, fine if Triforce Jonas wants to wait, I don't really care. It's even cool with me for Disney to manipulate little kids using the purity rings (see: the episode of SP). But here's what I wonder about: if Three Sheets to the Wind Jonas really aren't having sex, how often are they beating it? Because it must be fucking often. Like, seriously, two of them are probably beating it right now. Consider that this group is among the most popular in the country amongst girls ages 14-25. Thousands upon thousands of young girls pack their concerts on a nightly basis. They are newly minted Hollywood A-listers, despite their morals, and could probably be living an Entourage lifestyle if it wasn't for those fucking purity rings. Google "Jonas Crush" and you get 1,800,000 hits (just don't tell anyone you did it). These Jesus Freaks could be knee-deep if pussy, but... Frankly, I don't care how religious you are, that shit has got to gnaw at you day in and day out. God might give you comfort, but he doesn't give hand jobs. If you assume they each beat it once a day, we're already up to 27 times per week, but why stop there? Nick is 15, still in throes of puberty and hormones, and probably beats it at least twice a day. Joe's the most popular, as far as I can tell, and probably gets the most attention from hot female celebs his age. He's gotta be good for ten sessions per week. And then, of course, there's Kevin, the wild card. At 21, he's the elder Jonai, which means he's been putting up with not putting out for the longest time. Multiply that by the fact that he's the least recognizable, the creepiest, and the fact that he's gotta know his 15 minutes are rapidly dwindling, as he's clearly holding his brothers back. It's only a matter of time until Three's Company Jonas becomes Just the Two of Us Jonas, and he knows it. If he wants to capitalize on being famous and land some pussy that is undeniable out of his league- -cough Turtle cough--it has to be NOW. And he can't. And it must be KILLING him. As I see it, he could be anywhere from 15 to 30 chokes per week, and even that might not be enough. But enough analysis. Time to decide. OVER/UNDER?

Alright, brosefs, that's it for me. I'm out like Jeff Garcia leaving the closet.

(Addendum: apologize for some weird formatting. Actually, no, I don't. Fuck you guys).