Freaks: He's Baaaaaack Edition

This week we're going to train the spotlight on my favorite freak of all time, a veritable freak's freak. Yeah, I'm talking about cha man Mike Vick. So we all know by now that he's been conditionally reinstated by Roger "The Punisher" Goodell, opening up the possibility that he sees the field by week 6 of this season.

This is a big deal to me for several reasons. Obviously, I'm just excited that we have someone with Vick's skill set back in the league. Say what you will about his limited passing abilities, but I think we can all acknowledge that Vick was the World's Most Dangerous Man while on the football field. The man is a videogame--he could gouge a defense with his 4.36 40, call some freaks with 70 yard bomb or turn a broken play into a Merton Hanks moment. Fittingly, the Madden 2006 Vick was an absolute WEAPON. Though he only had a like 75 pass accuracy, he could run that shit furg at will, picking up third downs like Skipinos picks up chicks at a Cougar rally. The only way to properly deal with him was to smash it in his ashya with the hit stick, as he had a constant case of fumbilitis, putting the ball on the deck with 5-6 times greater frequency than anyone else in the game (except maybe Poopius Jones). So basically, the Madden guys had to program a cheat handicap to balance out the play of the game, otherwise fetus body cowards like the Quarternary [edit: Tertiary] Fego would just smash teams every game with Vick.

If imitation is the highest form of flattery, then Vick was getting over the pants hand jobs from all directions. Every media representation of the NFL had its own Vick clone, be it Voodoo in Friday Night Lights, the guy with dreads who schooled the Sharks in ESPN's Playmakers, or The Rock in "The Game Plan". Simply put, football is more exciting when there's someone on the field for whom truly believe anything is possible. And for this, I am overjoyed that we can have Michael back in our lives. I get wet just thinking about this:



Of course, the once prodigal son's return to the promise land has been sullied somewhat by Goodell's imposition of an additional 6 game ban for this season. Now let me preface what I'm about to say with this: I don't have a problem with strong, authoritative league commissioners. In fact, I love David Stern, and not just because he can do this.

Stern is a great commissioner because he understands that his role is not at the forefront of the game. He is savvy enough to make the tough decisions without making himself the center of attention, unlike Goodell's ham-handed attempts to burnish his image as a tough disciplinarian. I mean, Stern is downright sneaky. Do you know anyone else who would be able to rig an entire fucking draft without anyone blowing the whistle? Could Goodell be cunning enough to banish the face of the league to a phantom baseball retirement (#6) rather than simultaneously ruining the image of the league and its sole icon? I mean the guy is a member of the New World Order! (And I'm not talking Kevin Nash)

Ok, I'll admit that these all could be (read: are) crackpot conspiracy theories, but they still underscore my point that Stern operates subtly, behind the cloak of shadows. These rumors are a reflection of the fact that no one truly understands the scope of Stern's power. He is secure enough to realize that he doesn't have to partake in punitive cock-offs with the other commissioners. Can you imagine what Goodell would have done if he was the Commish of the NBA during the Malice at Auburn Hills? The closest approximation I can think of would be this (though Goodell certainly wouldn't be cool enough to wear jorts).

You know why that is? Because Roger Goodell is a take-no-nonsense vigilante who wants so much to be a white knight, but simply goes too far. That sounds pretty familiar....Wait, what the? Roger Goodell IS Two-Face!

"Why should I hide who I am"

I think that this comparison is fair. Think about it, in assessing the additional 6 game suspension to Vick, Goodell is trying to prove that NFL is beyond the scope of the laws that govern you and me. Animal rights zealots want you to believe otherwise, but Michael Vick has paid his debt to society. The man has lost everything. Vick spent two years in the federal pen, getting smashed from behind in the shower like Derek Vinyard. He lost his fans, he lost name, and he's dead broke. In many ways, Vick deserves this--a heinous crime deserves a strict penalty. But what I'm saying is that the penal system has already accepted the sufficiency of Vick's penance, why can't the NFL?

What is most bothersome about Goodell's tenure as Commish is that he's committed the classic mistake of addressing the effects, rather than the causes. Obviously, it is troublesome that so many players in the NFL act like they're above the law, but isn't that really because the wrong people are entering the league? Goodell's draconian punishments simply do not deter players from committing crimes. The biggest problem is at the college level, not only is it the most formitive time for the players, but as is, college football is just a holding pen for potential NFL'ers. Any disciplinary problem they have is met with a slap on the wrist because coaches care more about winning games then building up human beings . The league must simply help the NCAA to discipline and correct players. . If college players realized that, outside of the cush confines of their campuses, their legal transgressions would be met with harsh, appropriate punishment, then they'd be less inclined to hang around with the wrong crowds, and shoot themselves in the legs. (Thanks, Plax!)

Terrell Owens has been quoted as saying that Roger Goodell, not Vick, is the one that belongs in jail. Aside from his contention that if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it's a fucking duck, I don't agree with TO on much, but I think he's in the right here. It seems as though this anti-Goodell sentiment is rampant throughout the league, and at a potential tipping point. This reminds me of a quote from the noted Continental philosopher Harvey Dent, "You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain". Unfortunately, for Goodell, that rubicon was crossed a long time ago.

In times like this I'm consoled by the age old Taoist mantra, "The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming". I mean I don't think that Goodell will give up his post anytime soon, but the possiblity is just a nazi sex scandal away. In the case that Goodell is liquidated, what's our best option? Oh yeah, it's cha girl Condoleezza. Not only has she previously stated that the NFL Commissioner's post would be her "Dream job," but she has the moxie to pull it off in a Sternian fashion. Think about the cloak of secrecy surrounding the Bush Administration--you don't think she'd be able to be the puppetmaster in the NFL without coming off as heavy handed as Goodell? Instead of gratiutous suspensions and fines as the norm, we'd see a new era of clandestine waterboarding and psychological warfare on NFL problem children. All I gotta say is: Shock and Awe, jiggggggaaaaaaaa.

Greatest Freak(out) Ever:

I'm about a month behind on this but basically this kid freaked out because his mom cancelled his World of Warcraft account, no further explanation needed. Hilarity ensues:



Stop the tape. There's something you guys may have missed amongst the spazzing out...so here it is in a 10 minute loop:



All I can say is: ANAL-yzed!