I wish I knew how to quit you, Griffey.

First, I’d like to start off with something known in the biz as an “attention grabber.” Though irrelevant to the rest of the post, it’s something that readers should enjoy.

Quick note to start: As I'm writing this (Wednesday), Griffey is currently stepping in as a pinch hitter with two on and two out in the bottom of the 14th. There is no score. I’m not sure how many of you are awake now at 2 AM eastern, but luckily it’s only 11 here so I get to watch. Ball one. Strike one. Strike two. Pumping fastballs. Ooh just gets a piece of the slider to stay alive, 1-2. Next pitch lined down the right field line…fair ball! Mariners win! A walk off by Junior! Doesn’t get much better than that. Hit up the rest after the jump.

Since I have been called out to write a front page post (please note that I have made comments on other writers’ entries), I'm feeling a bit of pressure. I need to stick with a safe subject, and yes, that subject will be Ken Griffey, Jr. It does feel a bit like when you’re at a party and somebody says “oh my God, so-and-so does the BEST impression of Bill Walton. So-and-so, do it!” Well now you can either do it (looking like a full-blown fego) or you can say something like “I can’t do it on command” and disappoint everybody. Great. Anyway, this isn’t that bad.

I was only three when the Kid broke onto the scene. I’m a righty, but I still took time in my backyard to perfect his lefty stance, his swing, his hop step and his strut (I have since switched to perfecting this). Why else did half the kids at school start wearing their hats backwards? The only reason there wasn't a "Like Griffey" campaign was because "Like Mike" rolled off the tongue better.

When Junior left Seattle in 2000, he was well on his way to challenging all kinds of records, not that he cared. Griffey was all about having a flair for the dramatic. Sure, he had made 10 straight All-Star appearances, won 10 straight Gold Gloves, won seven Silver Sluggers, won three home run derbys, and added an MVP. All before turning 31. Are you serious? Above this, though:

1. His rookie year in '89, 13 of his 16 home runs were to tie the game or give the M's the lead (he would've won the ROY had he not broken his finger in July).

2. Home runs in eight straight games (absolute SHOT).

3. Amazing catches (ouch).

4. Back-to-back with Pops.

5. Um, at the bottom of the greatest moment in Mariner history.

How about just this year? The guy's hitting .226, but he homered in his first game, had a base hit in his first home at bat (homered the next game), hit a pinch-hit game-tying home run, homered on his bobblehead night (before the game when asked if he was going to do something special, he answered "yeah, probably") and had the pinch-hit walk off single on Wednesday. Okay, okay, too many highlights. I'm just sayin', if the Mariners find a way to sneak into the playoffs (5.5 games out currently), look out.

Outside of baseball, Junior's got unbelievably sweet kicks, a Wheaties box, a candy bar, two of the greatest video games ever (for SNES and N64), a JAM, and, as Ernest mentioned, some stellar cameos. Last Naked pointed out in a previous post that Griffey's Mariner commercials were some of the greatest (though my favorite still features Booney).

Lastly, to quickly cover a couple questions that have been brought up: first, Griffey never juiced. Second, yes, he is going to get 100% of the votes when he is eligible for the Hall of Fame. I'm trying to picture the person that wouldn't vote for him and I can't do it. But then again, I'm a bit biased. Being a clean player during the era of enhancement will certainly help.

Would he have been the best player of all time had he never left Seattle? Something tells me he would have. But that's okay. The sign in center field said it best when the he returned to Seattle with the Reds in 2007: "I wish I knew how to quit you, Griffey."

Since I led with something unrelated, I'll make it bookends. Thanks to a friend of the blog for the link. The video below features the studio recording for Buzz Bullets phenom Masahiro Matsuno's Callahan highlight tape. Enjoy.

It's a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited!

Here we are with a fresh batch of dopplegangers, albeit delayed since the last outing for a few reasons:

1). As amusing as it is to unearth look-alikes, it takes an unexpectedly long time to scour FB in search for a "great" picture, either amongst Friends (flipping through hundreds of photos of debauchery, unruliness, or downright fucking goofiness), or Nonfriends (takes a bit of sleight of hand stalker behavior which I've perfected as an art).

2). Within Fegonomics, we try to maintain a sense of anonymity, however I've actually introduced a risky peripheral by choosing subjects that some of us (and our avid fans) may recognize. The last few have been fairly tame, but some of the ones I had slated for this one and future posts, in reconsideration, might be beyond the appropriate boundaries of this blog. I don't wanna be the jerk that catapults Fegonomics into infamy due to the future decades of defacement and slander lawsuits.

3). I've finally submitted to the Jehovah's Witness holy conversion and denounced the heathen ways of Windows to be replaced by thy savior Macintosh. While it's infinitely more streamlined and user-friendly, I'm slowly taking off the training wheels after years of Paint, and upgrading to a hatful of hotrod photo editing options. I was driving a Mazda Geo, but now I'm handling a fucking spaceship. It's so easy a caveman can do it!



Let's warm up in the bullpen a bit...

Our first Jumbo affiliate sports the dapper style and the hypnotic smile of actor Justin Bartha, made famous recently in The Hangover. The movie possesses a plotline with Matt Wieters upside, but ultimately fails to live up to the hype. It has its moments that'll make you chuckle and guffaw, but if you've caught glimpses of the trailer, then you basically can sleuth your way to figuring out "Where in the World is Justin San Diego?" Stick around for the credits though if you end up watching this movie, it won't disappoint. Neither will Tyson's nightingale harmonics. Lennnnox......

Alright, working up a sweat now. The following two were graciously submitted by Oden and Dream:


It's Shelden! In addition to Sheed, let's formally welcome Mr. Candace Parker to Boston green and white. The former Duke phenom has bounced around the league the last couple of years, but that doesn't discount his rampant Orc-like inside game and his elite ability to bowl over Earl Boykin hobbits whenever he pleases.


One has to think that Matt Groening is a pre-cog for having the creative foresight to model cartoon Junior Griffey after Shelden. This look-alike fucking cracks me up, and is probably my favorite. I went so far as to rewatch the episode. Mr. Burns ends up hiring Pros to replace the Joes on the Springfield team to ensure victory against Shelbyville. Interestingly enough, some of the other ringers include Roger Clemens, Jose Conseco, and Daryl Strawberry. At one point, Clemens destroys Homer's Wonderbat with a single pitch. Hmm, Clemens with an juiced up pitch? Griffey later drinks this tonic that enlarges his head (not to incriminate Griffey or anything, but you never know). Growth tonics? That's some eerie, yet clever foresight, Mr. Groening. Eerie indeed.

To the seventh inning stretch...


With every revered Zirui Song or Hsupinos, there is also the antithetic player that is universally hated. I'm assuming every person has their own anecdotal evidence of this person being an Ultimate Tool, so don't be shy with your campfire stories in the comments. Wait, isn't this extending beyond the appropriate boundaries, you say? Earnest, might you going way past the endzone on this one? And besides, he's a future moon astronaut! Exaaaaaactly (this one's for you Billy Mays, you and Daryl would've been BFFs).

We're going into extra innings:

THE GLOVE DOESN'T FIT!!!!! THE GLOVE DOESN'T FIT!!!!!!!!


OH it's a walk-off HOMEEEE RUNNNNNN!

Courtesy of Pureharshmonium and Mahktar. No one told me it was couples night!

UPDATE: Originally I was gonna leave you guys with a stellar video, but I'll let you guys blow your loads over it when Mahktar features him on FREAKS. It combines the two talents that I unashamedly wish I was an expert at.