Glad we finally got a defibrillator (RB1 on the DL, fantasy muses teasing you with glory, you know who you went to...) to this blog, let's hope we can keep the pacemaker thumping.
One day I was casually watching "the Answer" play haplessly off-kilter in Detroit, looking like he could've used a Phone-A-Friend, when an epiphany struck me that there was also a Curtis Jackson Jr. doin' work on the court. I noticed the uncanny resemblance of Rodney Stuckey and Fifty Cent for the first time, and suddenly my freshmen All-look-same dabbling experiences returned in a rush. I've always been fascinated by the physical similarities between different people, considering that we, as humans, were built with the genetic capability to diversify the population. And yet with even with all the freaks of nature (sorry, infringing on Freaks of the Week copyright) that exemplify this genetic uniqueness, nature's randomness still manages to churn out several individuals who are indistinguishable from each other: society dubs them "Look-a-likes."
The great thing about look-a-likes is that they are as prevalent as Travis Henry's children. Every person we've ever encountered has at one point been anointed with an an alternate alias, in reference to a celebrity/athlete/sludge monster. It occurs so frequently that even I myself sometimes fall into the Parent Trap Syndrome, where I can't tell one Lohan from the other (SFW but you will get an insta-chode). The general public's desire to raise themselves up from a plebian existence, to even be remotely similar in looks/style and be recognized because of it, can be witnessed just about anywhere. Needless to say that there are a plethora of lookalike sites already floating about the web, but I wanted to bring this back to a personal level. How many times have you been roaming the lines at Dewick, sharting your pants in anticipation for the Vanilla/Choco Twist, when you spotted the girl that looks like Natalie Portman? The Ivan Drago in the gym? Biggie Smalls and her Big Juicy arms swaying to Olin? The Gila Monster slithering around town? You know you've had those moments. And wouldn't it be convenient to collect them all in one place?
Our first sample here compares the seductive CJ from Real World Cancun, and a well-known icon of the disc-throwing community. Wonder why your neck's so sore, huh guy? (answer: sucking cock).
On a side note, when I realized they were in Cancun, I couldn't fathom why this location hadn't already been done. Hmm let's see. Sloots (NSFW)? Check. Obscene amounts of alcohol? Check. Dirty Sanchezes? Check. It really trumps every other location for the modern-Real World era in terms of potential rowdiness. OR MTV could do a tranny rehash season in the shittiest part of NYC: Chet: I want to apply to be host of TRL. MTV Director: TRL is already canceled. You know this show is already on MTV, right? Chet: ....KATELYN'S A DUDE!
Going along with the RW theme:
Jonna is perhaps the lowest common denominator of the "Bang Bus-able" females that have passed through this show. But hey, if she ever says she wants an Asian Lightswitch, just paint on a couple of dark bruises and we're set to go.
BONUS LOOK-A-LIKE!!!!!
BUT WAIT! Besides both being Jumbo-AzNs and former lax enforcers, they both possess impeccable dress sense and velvety hair. I'm probably one step from being in the center of a bukkake/circle jerk after putting this picture together.
Leave it to Charles Haley's di-ack to resurrect the blog from Bolivian. Following his lead, I thought it appropriate that I trot out my newest creature feature. I shall call him....FREAKS OF THE WEEK.
By this point, I think that we've all written paeans about the perfection of the human form(yeah, really pretty much as NSFW as you can get), but I think that I am an especially frequent offender. Hell, my favorite sporting event of the year is the NFL combine. Other people will dismiss the combine as a meaningless event, pointing to combine warriors like Mike Mamula and Brian Bosworth who ended up getting ram jammed in the League, and they're probably right. However, I love the mere concept of the combine--everything from the subtley racist overtones of having rich, white team owners watching freakishly athletic black men run around in Under Armour spandex to the NFL network's coverage. Sure, it's a meat market, but that's exactly why I love it.
So what better way to honor something you love than institutionalizing it and writing about it in near pornographic detail? From here on out, I'll send weekly reports from the trenches about who's moving on up (Note: I reserve the right to use the term "Freak" liberally. Athletic freaks, freaks of cock, freaky deaky girls, freaks who piss me off--nothing's off limits. Ah, fuck, we all know I'll probably just end up writing about people who piss me every time). Let's see where this goes:
Specimen #1:
Jordan Crawford
Ok, Jordan Crawford may sound like fegolicious, teeny-bopping Aaron Carter wannabe. But who is he really? Well, he's the baaaaad man who eviscerated Lebron James at LBJ's own camp. Unfortunately, we'll never be able to rub ourselves to the Zapruder film of the slam, as Nike has destroyed all traces of the event, like some sort of Men in Black.
I'm a little surprised at Nike's short-sightedness on this. What, they didn't realize that by making a big deal out of the dunk, and confiscating all evidence, Crawford's feat would take on Digglerian proportions (really NSFW)? I realize that he's called King James, but this isn't actual fucking regicide. Would having some footage of the Chosen One getting dunked on really damage his legacy that badly? You know what hurts his cred even more? Building an entire ad campaign around cha man and the man of a thousand faces, only to have Bron Bron not even make the finals. We may never see the dunk in question, so I made the mixtape to watch in its stead, sure it's not a perfect replacement, but it's sure to go over better than the famous Fresh Prince Aunt Viv swap. (Edit: That first dunk is the definition of a Video Game Dunk. I can't even do that shit in NBA 2k9's dunk contest functionality).
New Prototype #2 Greg Jones - FB, Jacksonville Jaguars *Former RB at FSU
Full disclosure, Greg Jones hasn't really done anything special this week. I was just watching some of his videos in gathering material for this post, and I thought that he needed a shout-out. The big guy was patient zero for the term "Pumpkin Shoulders". He looks like a mix between Scott Steiner and the Black guy from Northeastern's Ultimate team. Unfortunately, he made the switch to FB in coming to the NFL, and nothing's really been heard of him since. Sure, he is one of the best FB's in the League, but that's like saying you're the hottest girl at Tufts. A true 6 becomes a 9 like that. I love power runners, after all I am the Tony Hunt of this blog, so enjoy the meast in his element:
Freaks and Geeks #3 The Fetus Bodies of Planet Fitness
Some trusted affiliates on the inside sent me this link. A little background for those too lazy to read a New York Times column: Planet Fitness is the real life equivalent of Average Joe's from Dodgeball, a gym built on the "We love you just the way you are" ethos. Deeming its confines a "Judgment Free Zone," Planet Fitness is designed for the people who love the concept of getting in shape more than the actual process.
Some of their rules, such as prohibiting lifters from dropping weights, are pretty standard. But others, such as the ban on grunting or weights over 60 pounds, are just downright ridiculous. Whats more, based on the article, it sounds as though Planet Fitness denizens are indoctrinated with the idea that it's bad to be big. To be too cut or too strong is a primal character flaw to these people. This flips the very idea of going to the gym on its head. So if the end result of legitimately lifting weights is mocked, then what is the end game these lightweight babys are looking for? This "gym" just doesn't make any sense.
And for those of you who think that the New York Times article is an isolated case built on hyperbole, my source on the inside says this is not the case. In his first few months at Planet Lightweight, not only has he been accosted for making too much noise while lifting a rather pedestrian weight (read: 40 pound bench.), but he's taken part in their Pizzeria Uno's giveaways. Yes, you read that right jortsfans, they give away pieces of Uno's in the gym. What's next, Milkshake water coolers? Fucking Cookie Dough Sport vending machines? Oh, I get it, you want to make this a reality.
Stay Small, Planet Fatness. (Edit: I was just kidding about the 40 pound bench. It was more like 60).
It's a new week, and you know what that means: a new set of Over/Unders for all you fegos out there.
Addendum to Volume I, courtesy of my girlfriend: an article indicating that Shaun Alexander was a virgin until 2002, when he wed his current wife, Valerie. Not only did the Alexanders abstain from sex, but even stranger, their first kiss wasn't until after their vows were spoken. Now, I know he's a football player and the question was about basketball, but--daaaaaamn. This evidence is definitely eye-opening, when you consider that Alexander went to the University of Alabama (maybe NSFW), and was starring in the NFL for two years before he earned his wings. Food for thought.
Second thing to note is that the fifth Over/Under in this set includes some spoiler information regarding the finale of Friday Night Lights' third season. If you are a fan of FNL but still haven't watched the last season in its entirety, which is really a contradiction in terms, skip the last Over/Under.
And now, let's ring the bell for round two:
8.5- number of starts made by Matthew Stafford for the 2009 Detroit Lions. The Lions obviously loved Stafford enough to make him the number one overall pick, and they loved him enough to give him $41.7M in guaranteed money, but do they love him enough to make him hold the clipboard this season? The Lions are going to be a terrible, terrible team in 2009, whether or not Stafford plays major minutes. Detroit QBs were sacked 52 times last season, the second-most in the NFL, and its likely that whoever steps under center this year will be subjected to similar abuse. Why not let Daunte Culpepper absorb the brunt of this? Culpepper is a former fantasy darling, once projected by Makhtar to throw for 48 TDs and 4,900 yards, but at this point he's just an old, broken down piece of meat. It seems obvious that the Lions ought to heed the cautionary tale of David Carr, another number one pick who was immediately asked to right a sinking ship, only to end up a part of the wreckage. (Note: This commercial is probably the best thing to come out of David Carr's NFL career. Seriously. Also, isn't to funny to think that, at the time this commercial aired, both of the Clemenses were taking HGH? I bet they had to do a few takes because Roger kept accidentally crushing the glass of iced tea he's holding). Still, despite all this, there's every indication that fans, sportswriters, and even the Detroit brass want Stafford to win the starting job. If he does, it'll be about five weeks before he's wishing he was back in college, doing old-fashioned strength and conditioning. OVER/UNDER?
495- number of days remaining on the Scott Steiner Doomsday Clock. I invented the SSDC about 18 months ago, and since Makhtar requested an update, this Over/Under goes out to him. The purpose of the Doomsday Clock is simple: to accurately predict how many days Scott Steiner, known affectionately by his fans as Big Poppa Pump, has to live. It's obvious he doesn't have long, and frankly, I'm surprised he's made it this far. He's a walking, talking, flesh balloon, inflated by every steroid and hormone known to man or beast. Just consider the before and after photos. Even Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa would be embarrassed. At its inception, the Doomsday Clock was around 1,000 days, and so I'd say a generous estimate puts his current death expectancy around Thanksgiving 2010. Enjoy yourself, Scott Steiner, because I'll be buying your Best of Big Poppa Pump Memorial DVD for Makhtar next Christmas. OVER/UNDER?
15,000,000 - number of domestic copies sold of a new Michael Jackson album. This is unconfirmed, but rumors are circulating that the late King of Pop had been working on a new album, his first since 2001. Collaborators have been said to include Akon, Kanye West, will.i.am, and possibly others. Given that Mike-love is at an all-time high--his weirdness in life forgiven but not forgotten in death--what type of sales might be expected from a posthumous album? I'm setting the bar awfully high, as 10 million copies is enough for diamond status, and 15 million would put the album even with classics like Born in the USA and Dark Side of the Moon. Still, when you consider the explosion of record sales in the wake of his death and the fact that Thriller remains the best-selling album of all-time, it's hard to bet against him. OVER/UNDER?
1.5- number of sexual partners for Jessica Biel at Tufts University. This is a pretty interesting question and one that will never be answered to my satisfaction. Biel (maybe NSFW), who defies every stereotype about Tufts girls and was named the Sexiest Woman in the World by Esquire in 2005, attended Tufts for three semesters between 2000 and 2002. By the time she got to Tufts, she was already something of a star, having starred in 7th Heaven as a teenager, though her film career didn't take off until after she left. By the time I got to Tufts, her legacy was mostly forgotten, but I've heard whispers that her decision to take a year off and ultimately leave school was the result of some stalker-ish behavior. I also heard that, while living in Tilton as a freshman, she was treated as something of a spectacle, as football players would bring pre-frosh to see her as incentive to come to Tufts. Again, I'm not sure if any of this is really true, but it would certainly explain why she didn't want to remain in Medford. At any rate, my question is this: how many former Tufts students can honestly say they hooked it with the Sexiest Woman Alive? She was here for three semesters and, despite her celebrity status, must've had something resembling a normal college experience. While I can't imagine her dating anyone at Tufts, she must've gotten horny enough to go slumming once in a while, although it probably wasn't anything like this scene (maybe NSFW) from Rules of Attraction. OVER/UNDER?
(SPOILER ALERT)
2.5 - number of playoff victories by the East Dillon Lions in the upcoming season of Friday Night Lights. Clearly, the decision to bump Eric Taylor from Dillon High to East Dillon at the end of season three was a masterstroke by the FNL writers, who are among the best on TV. This was a move that had to be made. With Smash Williams and Jason Street long gone and Tim Riggins, Lyla Garrity, and Matt Saracen all moving on, the series had lost almost all of its original stars, with the exception of mainstays Eric and Tammi. They already fudged the ages once--Riggins and Lyla were seniors in Season One, juniors in Season Two, and a seniors again in Season Three--and couldn't afford to do it again. I mean, damn, how many years of eligibility can Riggins have? And how long can 28-year-old Taylor Kitsch be expected to play an 18-year-old farm boy with an advanced upper body? No, the show needed to grow, and that couldn't happen with the same setting and the same characters. That's the most interesting and unusual problem that FNL presents for its writers. Most shows follow the lives of people, meaning that they can change and grow with the characters, but FNL doesn't. Instead, it follows the life of a town--Dillon, Texas. Now, sure, Eric and Tammi are the main characters by default, but they are hardly the focus of the show. Remember in Season Two when Eric leaves to take the assistant coaching job at TMU? That didn't work in the long run because it took him out of Dillon. The series struggled that season in part because it's best and most effective character was isolated from the rest of the show. Eric Taylor isn't interesting enough to carry a series on his own. To be relevant, he needs Dillon, just like Dillon needs him. When characters leave Dillon, like Smash and Street have, they fade into obscurity, occasionally reappearing but remaining in the rearview mirror. This is tricky for the show, because it is constantly in need of new characters and can never rely on one character to carry the show for long, but it is also one of FNL's subtlest strengths. Unlike most TV shows, which run for years and years following the same characters in the same places, FNL is much more dynamic, more true to life. People don't stay in the same place for ten years. Friends don't live together, work together, get coffee together for ten years. People move. Jobs change. Life moves you. A show like Friends is comforting because it deludes you into believing you can live across the hall from your buddies forever. Scrubs gives you hope that you and your best friend can stick together--through college, through med school, through residency--and eventually end up working in the same place. FNL is different. It embraces the fact that people come and go through life, that as close as you might be to someone in a certain place or time, Texas doesn't last Forever. The only constant is Dillon, where the people change but the town stays the same, which makes the show so compelling. By moving Eric across town, Friday Night Lights has given itself a new lease on life, a new school with a new team and all new characters in the town we have come to know and love. The question now becomes: how far can he can lead them? This Over/Under assumes that East Dillon will make it to State--I can't imagine the writers will let them fall short of that--but how far can they go? The Texas State playoffs have four rounds: Regional Playoffs, Quarterfinals, Semifinals, and Finals. Four wins is a State Title. In his first two seasons as Coach, Eric has been to the State Finals twice, winning one and losing one (Season Two was cut short before State). Can he make it back a third time? Is it too unrealistic for the fledgling Lions to make the State Finals? Clearly, the football is the least realistic aspect of FNL, but this would be an especially tall order for a first-year team. Two wins means they lose in the semis, so if you take the over, you think Coach T is up the task. I know I can't wait to find out. OVER/UNDER?
In an attempt to breathe life back into this blog, I've resolved to write a weekly column, and this here is the inaugural edition of "Over/Under."
The premise is pretty simple: each week, I'm going to pick five pieces of miscellanea, and set an over/under line based on my analysis. My hope is that everyone else involved with this blog will weigh in as to whether they are taking the over or the under. As always, this will be restricted to sports and stupid shit, and is primarily designed to encourage participation in the blog.
And now, without further ado, let's get to this week's Over/Unders:
27.5- number of touchdowns thrown by Tom Brady in 2009. With the exception of his 2007 MVP season, Brady has averaged around 25 touchdown tosses per year, but never been above 28. While Mr. Bundchen appears to be healthy again, speculation about his productivity has been rampant all off-season, and will be a major story on fantasy football forums all year. It's hard to imagine Brady will approach his record-breaking 2007, and equally hard to imagine that His Royal Hotness won't exceed Matt Cassel's 21 TD passes given that the Patriots' offense is mostly intact, so he'll probably fall somewhere in between. OVER/UNDER?
0.5- number of virgins currently playing in the NBA. This over/under is inspired by Portland-born, ex-Laker power forward A.C. Green, a bona fide glassman and admitted virgin. Now that Green has retired from the NBA to promote teen abstinence (seriously), my question is: has he been replaced? Are there any NBA virgins? On the one hand, NBA players are almost universally rich, super-athletic, and famous. Each of these traits is usually enough to drop a pair of panties by itself, but together, it seems inconceivable that any NBA baller would not have been initiated into manhood at some point. And yet, NBA players are younger now than they were in A.C.'s day, and is it plausible that some foreign-born draft prodigy entered the NBA before entering a woman? Some cultures are less permissive when it comes to premarital sex. Also, would anyone actually have sex with this? OVER/UNDER?
14- number of additional weeks that Makhtar hangs onto the Agrazn's Hatch jersey. I didn't even notice this, but according to my sources, the jersey in question is still hanging in Makhtar's bathroom, some eight months after their breakup. And, if my source is right, she wants it back, but probably doesn't know how to ask because she's not good at expressing her emotions. Seriously, dude, WTF is that thing still doing in your bathroom? Do you try it on from time to time and look at yourself in the mirror, posing and flexing, faking backhand hucks and IO breaks like some overgrown she-male Buzz Bullet? Come on. OVER/UNDER?
3.5- length, in inches, of platinum recording artist Enrique Iglesias' penis. As some of you may remember, the Latin heartthrob accidentally let the world know that he's hiding a lightswitch, baby! beneath those tight pants. He later tried to retract this statement, but if there's one thing you can't take back, it's admitting you've got a microscopic diack. Some cursory internet research revealed that LifeStyle condoms, who offered Enrique a deal worth $1M to be the image of their new line of extra small jimmy hats, conducted a "study" of college students on Spring Break in Cancun to determined the average size of the erect frat-boy pork sword. Since LifeStyle is a notoriously disreputable brand, these results aren't necessarily valid, especially since 400 of these guys isn't exactly an indicative sampling of the population at large. Still, the average was apparently between 5" and 6", which gives us something to work with. If normal condoms are honestly so big on Iglesias that he feels the need to find a different size all together, then we have to assume he isn't within two or three standard deviations of normal, meaning that he's probably somewhere in the 2" to 4" range. Now, he's been able to hold onto Anna Kournikova for over six years, so you know he's either got a magic tongue or she sleeps with the yard boy like Eva Longoria in Desperate Housewives. OVER/UNDER?
299.5 - number of future MLB home runs by 16-year-old Las Vegas high schooler Bryce Harper. Like many of you, I wasn't aware of Harper's existence until a few weeks ago, when Sports Illustrated made him the youngest baseball player to ever grace its cover. The article, which is a phenomenal read whether or not you like baseball, basically says that Harper defies comparison when it comes to baseball prospects. He's apparently more developed at 16 than Ken Griffey Jr., Alex Rodriguez, and Justin Upton were at 18. I mean, good God, just look at him--he could pass for 25 right now. Not to mention he already holds the record for longest home run ever hit in Tampa Bay's Tropicana Field (502 feet) and allegedly hit one that traveled more than 570 feet. Of course, none of this guarantees future success, but scouts are so baffled by his ability that they've abandoned baseball completely in search of a realistic comparison. The best they've done? LeBron James. If you watch the kid play, it's apparent he's for real, but how real? Baseball is less projectable than any other sport and there's more room for anyone, even a prodigy like Harper, to fall short. Many people would probably say 300 home runs is selling his talent short, but remember, just that many would put him in the top 10 all-time amongst catchers (if he stays behind the plate) and probably be enough to enshrine him in Cooperstown. OVER/UNDER?
So that's your first edition of Over/Under. Let the debates begin.
I have a well-documented feud with baseball. For years I've dogged the sport like Larry Holmes dogged Trevor Berbick, decrying its general lack of excitement and the less than inspiring physiques of some of its stars. I mean, any sport that lionizes a human chode like Tony Gwynn deserves to be mocked--homey couldn't even pull off five pushups. I know at least five non-Richard Sandrak infants that could do more than that. The fact that someone with the upperbody strength of an eight year old girl can be an all-time great leads me to believe that there is something inherently wrong with baseball.
But this post isn't another one of my profanity-laced diatribes railing against an institution all y'all hold near and dear. No, this is something completely different. If American History X has taught me anything, it's that sometimes you have to sober up and take down the Nazi posters. Like Danny says in the movie, "Life's too short to be pissed off all the time". Though I will always thumb my nose down at the disproportionate level of bitchtits wielded by its players, and the soporific properties of actually watching the game, for the first time I am willing to acknowledge baseball's relevance. This isn't because I now find the game any more entertaining than I have in the past, but rather now I recognize its importance as a bellwether for our society.
For better or worse, baseball is our national pastime
Not because of the ridiculous umpirecalls and not because of its bastard child--dizzy bat. No, I can reasonably call baseball the American pastime because its events take on more cultural importance than any other sport, though I'm not exactly sure why this is. I suspect a decent portion of baseball's universality comes from the fact that it's the one major sport that everyone can actually envision themselves playing at a high level. Both basketball and football are populated by genetic freaks of cock--7'7", 300 pound foreigners who look like the chinkified version of the Shawn Bradley MonSTAR...or, in football, Broderick Bunkley. To wit:
Yeah, I can imagine being slow, Chinese and uncoordinated. But slow, Chinese, uncoordinated and playing defense like a renegade windmill? That's just too rich for me.
In contrast, baseball has everyman heroes. This characteristic, which makes me revile the game is the exact reason that so many people can appreciate it. The only differences (Purely superficial) between the 5'7" bulldog at home plate and the spud snorting peanuts in the stands is the increased propensity to grab their junk and a big hankering for snus.
[Now for my whitewashed version of history] The fact that baseball's demigods so closely resemble the average American gives the game its cultural significance. Some of the most culturally relevant moments in all of sport came from baseball. For example, Jackie Robinson's breaking down of the color line in baseball galvanized the civil rights movement and embodied the gradual softening of American racial attitudes.
(Wait, did I just sneak in two "Five for Fighting" videos in one post? Stttttrrrriiiiiii) And President Bush's first pitch at the first game following 9/11 has become the defining sports moment of the recovery period.
Of course, you guys probably realized this relationship long ago. However, I did not realize the entanglement of baseball's cultural and that of America at large until Manny Ramirez was suspended for juicing up with women's fertility drugs. At first I was in denial. I mean how could the man responsible for a commercial this brilliant be a cheater?
Then it dawned on me: We are all cheaters. Ok, that was a little dramatic. What I really mean is, we are all either cheats, or people too busy reaping the rewards of these shysters to punish their crimes. In this way, the spread of steroids and the public's reluctance to acknowledge the tarnished sanctity of the game mirror the ongoing problems in the American economy.
To illustrate my point, let's go back to baseball's late 90's/early 2000's apex. Baseball, suffering from post '94 strike cynicism and general ennui from the young fan base, was in a bad place. Enter the pine tar Cerberus--the troika of sluggers that electrified the fan base into returning to the nearly comatose game: Sosa, McGwire, and Bonds. Through Sosa and McGwire's home run chase, and Bonds' evisceration of previous slugging records, these guys made baseball relevant again. However, now all three are out of the game, with nothing but tarnished reputations and bacne to show for their troubles.
There were warning signs during their glory days--Sosa's corked bat and the rapid metamorphosis of Barry Bonds into a Ronnie Coleman-esque monster should have tipped us off. Unfortunately, lost amongst all the media clamor was the fact that these titan's feats were simply superhuman, buoyed doctored bats and doctored body chemistries (There are those who say that McGwire was merely using Andro, but I liken his refusal to "talk about the past" to this. By dancing around admission, you're merely proving that something is amiss. The exception proves the rule....or something like that).
It's hard not to look back on that era of baseball and not feel foolish. If someone sat you down fifteen years ago and told you that someone who'd never hit 50 homers in a season would suddenly reinvent themself to bash 73, while looking like a black Joey Kovar, you would have instantly cried foul. But somehow, with all the world watching, the ridiculousness of their deceits was obscured. In retrospect, it was an insult to our intelligence for these men to think that the rapid changes in their body and the mercurial rise in their production wouldn't be questioned. And yet they got away with it, at least for a little bit.
And this problem stretches beyond the aforementioned trio. Now, everyone in baseball is suspect, even the White Knight who everyone thought was above artificial enhancement. Even the dude who we all thought was too busy getting high to worry about 'roids. From here on out, any sudden fluctuation in production or additional striation in the ass will be met by scrutiny under the juice lens (See: David Ortiz).
The economic downturn parallels this pattern of performance and denial. Greedy people buying houses well beyond their means and snakes at investment banks like Bear Stearns making a profit off shitty investments were the McGwire and Bonds of this saga; Mortgage-backed securities and exotic loans their cream and their clear. All the while, we were all too busy reaping the profits of these people's labor to ask the critical questions: What is a mortgage-backed security, exactly? What happens if the housing market stalls? Can I really afford this house? The dollar signs in our eyes made us blind. The crisis even has its own Alex Rodriguez in Bernie Madoff, the man who made so many look foolish for believing in his clockwork-like yearly returns.
The story goes for both baseball and the economy: we should have seen this coming. At this point all we can do is acknowledge our past ignorance, trying to pick up the pieces where we can, and learn from our mistakes. I think it's high time that baseball expunge itself of all these cheatadores, and that the fan's learn to process information more critically, calling out inequities if they see them. I'm only really saying this because I hope Americans can learn to do the same.
[Addendum: This song played at the end of the Cubs game I went to last week. It's really annoying and pretty stupid, but I love it.]
If you run in my circles, you know I am freakishly (fegishly?) excited for this season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Apparently this one is the Duel 2. I still would have to go to wikipedia to tell you what the differences between the gauntlet, the inferno, and the duel are, but that doesn't really matter. As long as we've got our usual dosage of high testosterone adonises threatening to pepper each other's sauces and a couple of chicks like this to keep the proceedings from getting too fegosh, I'm in.
Ever since I saw the trailer for this iteration of the challenge and analyzed the fight scenes with Makhtar for hours on gchat, I have been going around telling everyone to look at CT's myspace page and I've been proclaiming the Challenge my 3rd favorite sport to watch (Basketball and Football are the top 2...in that order...I think).
As you may have seen, CT and fego Adam get into it. Either Adam has a beta crush on Diem and is defending her honor, he's trying to goad CT into an altercation so the Rasheed Wallace of the challenges is DQ-d (Alton is something like the T-mac or the Terrell Davis of the challenges. Maybe the Miguel Tejada. This fegonomic comparison deserves it's own post.), or he's just plain stupid. Either way, CT absolutely ram jams Adam right in the eye. FANtastic. It also seems as though the altercation is allowed to go on the whole night and change venues like in Street Fighter (credit: Makhtar). That clearly signals to me that the producers know what they are getting when they invite a Manimal like CT onto the challenge and encourage the chaos that ensues.
Overall I am amped for this season to start. We at Fegonomics have theorized that this season will be more over the top than any in history because ever since (I believe) the Real World: Las Vegas, every season of the Real World or the Challenge has tried to outdo itself. This was until it reached its apex with Hollywood, which bursted the bubble and led to a subdued Brooklyn (JD's table smash and Ryan's PTSD aside). The Duel 2 is our stimulus package to return the Real World Universe to equilibrium.
Because Makhtar and I were both equally excited to watch the premiere and had nothing more interesting going on in our lives, we decided to have a little gchat while we watched and post highlights of what transpired. Enjoy.
The Fegonomist: Here comes the duel, baby! Makhtar Ndiaye: Fuck I was watching Throwdown with Bobby Flay Why are there so many whiteblack guys on G to gents? The Fegonomist: I popped the chat out for this In fact I will maximize Makhtar Ndiaye: here it is yes The Fegonomist: i'm breaking new ground Makhtar Ndiaye: this is your consciousness for the next hour The Fegonomist: it feels like the Architect's room in the Matrix Makhtar Ndiaye: I'm gonna do it too
Makhtar Ndiaye: I can tell right now this is going to move too fast for me too much shit's going to go down in this episode The Fegonomist: didnt you drink your 3 redbulls Makhtar Ndiaye: haha The Fegonomist: don’t worry about punctuation and spelling baby Makhtar Ndiaye: no I'm going to want to do extreme sports afterwards
The Fegonomist: fuck TJ Lavin Makhtar Ndiaye: I liked Jonny Moseley better, he had those all-american good looks The Fegonomist: why does it have to be an xtreme sports guy. it should be rob dyrdek Makhtar Ndiaye: no bob burnquist I dunno rodney mullen fuck I'm just listing guys off of Tony Hawk's pro skater II
[Evan mentions that every big guy in the history of the Challenge is on the Duel this season] The Fegonomist: EVERY BIG GUY Makhtar Ndiaye: hahahaha not true no miz Isaac's not a big guy The Fegonomist: I think he's there Isaac is chiseled and the coolest jew ever Makhtar Ndiaye: no Miz is WWE tag team champion he's got a no-compete clause
The Fegonomist: Upon hearing the rules butters exclaims "WHAT?!?" Makhtar Ndiaye: Do the rules really matter? The Fegonomist: No, but that's butters Makhtar Ndiaye: yeah The Fegonomist: He is surprised bc he never watched before Makhtar Ndiaye: He doesn't get it yet. Wait until Ruthie and Katie go ass to ass. That's going to blow his mind
The Fegonomist: shauvon is gonna get it you heard it here first
[Literally three minutes later, two people emerge from the bushes, giggling and zipping up their pants]
The Fegonomist: who is it guess oh nevermind Makhtar Ndiaye: shauvon ugh The Fegonomist: wow CALLED IT Makhtar Ndiaye: hahahaha COUNT IT she's all bloated The Fegonomist: who was the dude? Makhtar Ndiaye: yeah that's the question we need maury povich oh The Fegonomist: it was CT Makhtar Ndiaye: fuck CT The Fegonomist: YES Makhtar Ndiaye: CT No CT is heartless The Fegonomist: MY BOY Makhtar Ndiaye: fucking shauvon do you think she's hot? she's everything that's wrong with America The Fegonomist: no not really i mean the tata's are real but she's not the type we go for she's not like the little sister in Privileged Makhtar Ndiaye: she's an over-inflated Cameron D The Fegonomist: damn CT gave her the American Psycho Makhtar Ndiaye: what's that? The Fegonomist: i bet he was flexing Makhtar Ndiaye: haha Eric Bana in Munich
The Fegonomist: CT just pissed over the whole house asserted his dominance i want to study him like the guy in freakonomics studied the drug dealer
Makhtar Ndiaye: Oh my god CT's fist is bigger than Adam's head The Fegonomist: It sucks that Adam didn’t just drop like a sack of potatoes Makhtar Ndiaye: Pummeled into the dust! The Fegonomist: just goes ragdoll on contact Makhtar Ndiaye: here's the question though--if CT went on Bully Beatdown, how much money would he make The Fegonomist: i would pay so much to see that. Adam is the nerd Makhtar Ndiaye: He’d get money, get paid if you got him muppet drunk The Fegonomist: It Was All A Dream text: Again with the face hit!
[Adam is escorted outside so that CT doesn't break his orbital. Meanwhile, 17 people are holding CT back so he doesn't break Adam over his knee]
Makhtar Ndiaye: fuck he's coming out of his onesy [Adam tries to get back inside] The Fegonomist: hahahaha. evan grabs him by one arm
The Fegonomist: What is CT's athlete comparison? Makhtar Ndiaye: Lorenzo Neal? The Fegonomist: hahhha Makhtar Ndiaye: Contextually within the framework of the challenge? Pac Man Jones The Fegonomist: hmm Makhtar Ndiaye: Gotta be PMJ The Fegonomist: Plus sheed plus ray lewis Makhtar Ndiaye: whoa ray lewis is a saint The Fegonomist: he said he doesn’t hit to hurt people he hits to take their soul Makhtar Ndiaye: that's kayfabe
The Fegonomist: Wow so CT is 240 Makhtar Ndiaye: yeah are we assuming that he's my height? The Fegonomist: 6 ft tall Makhtar Ndiaye: because that'd make him a cheast jesus The Fegonomist: a chinese beast? Makhtar Ndiaye: yeah
The Fegonomist: I am just fascinated by CT Makhtar Ndiaye: god You got a permaboner for him The Fegonomist: He is just all id Makhtar Ndiaye: he's like a distillation of all of roissy's philosophy The Fegonomist: he's a pure alpha and he gets diem to fall in love with him despite all her logic Makhtar Ndiaye: yeah that's fucking ridiculous The Fegonomist: and the fact that she's so nice Makhtar Ndiaye: he still has her on a string The Fegonomist: it’s just the affirmation of all human mating psychology the archetype
Makhtar Ndiaye: I’ll say, I like alton better though. I'm always one to bow down to the black athlete, but that might be a different argument. The Fegonomist: the problem with alton was that he flamed out on his last challenge he was like sammy sosa he was so dominant for so long do you remember the last one he was on he sucked Makhtar Ndiaye: no The Fegonomist: i was actually depressed about it The Fegonomist: it was like realizing my dad wasn’t as strong as hulk hogan Makhtar Ndiaye: will this change your mind: The Fegonomist: jesus and he has a snake cock too Makhtar Ndiaye: you know that for a fact? The Fegonomist: he made irulan gasp when she saw it Makhtar Ndiaye: each of his abs is like a dinner roll you can just grab each of them individually
Makhtar Ndiaye: does nick have chris leak eyes? The Fegonomist: what are chris leak eyes? Makhtar Ndiaye: like those beautiful, grey eyes The Fegonomist: waaaooooww
The Fegonomist: so adam and ct are gone wow fuckin bo jackson Makhtar Ndiaye: MJ The Fegonomist: its nick and mike yeah mj is mcconaughey Makhtar Ndiaye: you scouted ahead? The Fegonomist: I just remember from the preview i watched 70 times Makhtar Ndiaye: hahahaha The Fegonomist: ct again doesnt even get to do a challenge Makhtar Ndiaye: he did this before? The Fegonomist: yeah he fuckin punched davis Makhtar Ndiaye: oh yeah made davis cry fuck The Fegonomist: he was like hey davis can you take a punch
The Fegonomist: nick’s gonna have a kobe's pinkie game Makhtar Ndiaye: haha fuck Ryan's a snake for choosing nick The Fegonomist: yeah fuck that Makhtar Ndiaye: like he was rubbing himself to nick while he was soaking his hand The Fegonomist: he really wanted to stay so he could go ass to ass with davis haha i want von to win Makhtar Ndiaye: von wafer why? The Fegonomist: i dont like aneesa Makhtar Ndiaye: she has nothing going for her I guess The Fegonomist: and i want von to get pounded again
[At this point our conversation has spilled over into the After Show; hosted by Mark with special guests Shauvon, Diem, Adam, and Mr. Id himself.]
Makhtar Ndiaye: is shauvon pregnant? she just blown up The Fegonomist: she's fat ms piggy Makhtar Ndiaye: I did not have sex with CT oh wait I had sex with CT god damn it The Fegonomist: did she give him an otphj?
The Fegonomist: Shauvon was so much skinnier in the challenge Von looks like Anna Nicole. Makhtar Ndiaye: Anna Nicole show era Anna I mean, I'll say I used to be attracted to her. I thought she was all dark and gothy. Now she's just another rollerpig The Fegonomist: warpig
Makhtar Ndiaye: Who would win in an academic decathlon between Brad and Scott from Brooklyn? The Fegonomist: Neither would finish
Makhtar Ndiaye: If I ever got a six-pack, I would go after Jamie Chung. I'd take shirtless pictures of myself and post them on her myspace and shit. The Fegonomist: you'd have to be alpha, though. No approach anxiety Makhtar Ndiaye: yeah I mean it'd one of those "hey we're both asian" pickups.
How a team like the Texans was willing to subject themselves to 3-4 games of a chicken running with his head cut off may be beyond all of us, but I'm gonna try to inject some sense into the quarterback moves that have kicked off free agency. It's kind of a sports lull: MLB spring training is beyond boring, the freaks of the combine are over, NBA is in midseason but the playoffs aren't looming, college hoops is finally starting to heat up, and my mind is on the NFL.
With such a lofty title, I don't think the goal is to explain the quarterback position, but rather to rationalize the moves made, the fegos involved, and the thinking behind it. This is probably a little too serious of a post, but who cares.
Starting at Fego: Matt Cassel. Sage Rosenfels. Dan Orlovsky.
The Other Players: Daunte Culpepper. Tyler Pigpen. Tavaris Jackson. Tom Brady Kevin O'Connell Matt Schaub
Regardless of whether or not this report is true, the pats probably got a good deal. They dump vrabel who is 34 and is a free agent next year, and free up their cap space by getting rid of Cassel. Grraaaayt. So they win, but who cares about the Pats. Why is Scott Pioli taking on what he knows is a dwindling talent in vrabel just to get Cassel?
Scotty Doesn't Know While the Boston sports media had a collective jerk off session for Matt Cassel all season long, at one point half-joking that "we don't need Brady!", the normal people were thinking: "Ok, so this guy took an offense that Destroyed NFL records and turned it into an average to above average offense and won 11 games.
So now cassel gets to (apparantly) take over a KC team that is clearly rebuilding. Which is fine, except that once they are done retooling and Cassel is in his prime... let's say 3-4 years down the road, he's still the same guy who took the greatest offense of all time and made it human against a schedule softer than Big Baby. The only playoff teams he beat were a slacking Arizona team in week 16, and Miami. And it's not like Cassel is a candidate to improve this year. Sure, he hasn't started since high school, but looking at recent successful qbs who didn't start as rookies like carson palmer, Aaron Rodgers, Tony Romo, you're going to show in year one that you have the talent to make tough throws and be a passing threat in the NFL. Cassel's best attribute is his scrambling, but he doesn't scramble to pass, he scrambles to run because he isn't that good of a passer.
So far, Matt Cassel's career has been a bigger marketing success than football success. Somehow, the Patriots turned a career backup into a second round pick. The pats deserve more PR credit than anything by inflating the numbers of a mediocre QB to enhance his resale value. As was said in Tasty's earlier today: "There is no 'Value Added' in the Matt Cassel trade."
What did the Chiefs gain? A great backup QB and the assurance that they will not find or draft a playmaker at the QB position since they still have confidence in the backups, Pigpen and Croyle. In 2-3 years the chiefs will peak as a 10-6 playoff first round exit. At best. Scotty doesn't know.
Rosenfels and Guildenstern: Because the Vikings have such a good team already, they need a QB who can make a few plays in the air. Tavaris Jackson is not that player. Gus Frerotte is not that player. If there's one thing to be said for Rosenfels, he can get hot and string some throws together. He is accurate enough to consistently make teams pay if they sell out for the run. Minnesota doesn't need a stud QB; they just need a competent one. Sage throws truckloads of interceptions, but so did Frerotte and Jackson. They also threw truckloads of wormburners to boot.
Sure, he doesn't have Andre Johnson-arms to bail him out, but Adrian Peterson should make up for that. That the vikings got him for a 4th seems like a no-brainer. That said, Rosenfels is a stopgap and they need to find a qb to pair with AP in order to be a dominant team. Still, a 4th rounder for what might ultimately be just a good backup qb isn't a bad move.
Tan Man Dan: Without Detroit weighing him down, Orlovsky gets a fresh start. The Texans get to see if he actually has starting potential, while they knew that Rosenfels probably doesn't. So far, the Matt Schaub experiment has had mixed results. They are definitely a better team with him than without him, but the fact that he misses 4-5 games per year troubles me and now it troubles Dan Orlovsky. That makes the No. 2 QB an even more important position, and I don't understand the risk they are taking by trading a known commodity in Rosencrantz for a 4th rounder who won't contribute for a while if at all, and a quarterback who clearly hasn't gotten his fair shot with a crappy Detroit team, but has only shown horrible play on the field.
So you're thinking "A bunch of mediocre QBs moved, who gives a crap?". Fair Enough. Kurt Warner used to be one of those mediocre QBs. Not to mention the fact that all of these teams still need to draft QBs, it just doesn't seem like it anymore.
BUT WAIT! Besides both being Jumbo-AzNs and former lax enforcers, they both possess impeccable dress sense and velvety hair. I'm probably one step from being in the center of a bukkake/circle jerk after putting this picture together.
