If skiing was easy, it would be called snowboarding

Today I'm gonna be taking on the persona of Sal Masekela, mostly because he's the only black man I've ever really known/seen to be associated with a winter sport (more to come about this). So I'm stoked that the Winter X 13 is now in session, which means: fresh gear, fresh snow bunnies, deep powder, and gnarly wipeouts. Now growing up in VT, there's something special about powdery snow that really is indescribable to someone who wasn't really raised on crud, granular, and soft flakes. I akin it to something like, if fresh powder was a 1 girl (using the Binary Scale via Sleazer) who came over to your house once a year on a cold December morning, you would lick her asshole everyday til the grass came out again. Er.

These mountain lovers are the Rastas that you so fondly admired and envied in high school, with their laid back West Coast demeanor, positive vibes, unruly care towards personal hygiene, and impressive ganja-inhaling capacitance. How did they fail pre-algebra and still manage to take Airwalks to the next level? You got me. And while they don't run 4.3 40's, can't squat 700 lbs, and probably have chest sizes smaller than Keira Knightley, that doesn't make them any less hardcore than most athletes. The only person who has even dared traverse the "hybrid" designation of land to snow to land athlete is Jeremy Bloom, the sexiest punt returner/wideout to ever grace the turf, and unfortunately, didn't cut it to play with McNabbulous coming out of college, or with Ben Hamburgler and Hines Ketchup this season.



I guess the Olympics will have to do.

Introducing: Warren Miller, the godfather of freeskiing and ski films. This gramps ain't your typical crack walnuts by the fireside old man. With 59 ski classics and counting, I'm ready to anoint this man Abner Doubleday of the slopes. I've seen a handful of his films, and just like watching each successive bastard version of the Real World, why fix something when the junkies love it?



While my experience with snowboarding is limited to bunny hills, playing 1080 Snowboarding, and watching Mahktar metamorph into a fetus body (a la Benjamin Button) attempting to get down the mountain, that doesn't diminish my appreciation for one-plankers. In fact, given a chance to choose the diverging path between skiing and riding, I would have taken the latter. Skiers still hold the crown for snow supremacy, but only by a smidge, and the gap has been quickly closing. I'm constantly jealous of the boarder's lifestyle, full of rebellion, No Fear t-shirts, and unimaginably gorgeous women. This would be the appropriate moment to bring up everyone's flying tomato favorite, Shaun White (an astoundingly perfect blend of part Carrot Top, part RJ). Undeniably the best in his sport, the kid was hucking off cliffs while the rest of us were still trying to figure out the functionality of our dicks in relation to females.




Another man I am obligated to mention here is Levi LaVallee. At the time that I am writing this, he is about to dare history by transposing the infamous double backflip in the form of snowmobiling. He'll probably die doing this. I'm no Stephen Hawking, but I understand enough to know that twisting a 500 lbs machine two full rotations = BROKEN. ANKLES. Typically, I'm indifferent to snowmobiling, but anytime I can include Travis "My Hero" Pastrana, I will plug his name without shame.



Finally, I'll finish off the roster with Tanner Hall. There's a lot of things I could say about this kid. Besides ushering a new era of freeskiing, this technician slam dunks just about every competition he has ever participated in. Everything looks like a video game with him. Along with that, he's fostering a healthy rivalry with Simon Dumont, more of a raw talent, a Malone nipping at the heels of Jordan. Speaking of heels...



Tanner Hall And The Chads Gap - Awesome video clips here

BROKEN. ANKLES.