A Mixed Bag of Tricks

If you're like many Americans, you'll always remember where you were and what you were doing around noon on January 20, 2009. It's rare that a tell-your-children moment resonates through the country with such overtones of hope and promise. The last time I was overtaken by a raw boost of national energy that wasn't in the wake of a tragedy Mark McGwire almost missed first base. While that exchange of emotions didn't work out so well, we're not here to "talk about the past." I myself am not much for politics because of its polarizing nature, but I can confidently say that Obama takes over the office with the potential to be one of the greatest leaders of our generation in a time where our country is desperately seeking any modicum of direction. Here at Fegonomics we respek the eloquent man but immortalize the black man doing his thing while simultaneously being cool (or so we hope) and invested in sports. Much has been made about Obama and his cabinet's low post skills and his "yes we can" stance on a college football playoff so I won't beat these facts into a more hackneyed submission. Instead I'd like to pay tribute to Mr. 44 with a list of the greatest mixed athletes of all-time. Once the parquet is finally laid at the White House, President Obama may even stand a chance of cracking the top 10 here, but until then let the white-black violin begin.

Jammin (Nod Ya Head) (Clean) - Black Violin

Honorable Mention: John Amaechi, Tony Gonzalez, David Justice, and Rosario Dawson (He Got Game sex scene)

10. James Blake - I don't really know that much about this dude except that he beat my favorite tennis player Roger Federer in the Olympics and is about as Americana as an athlete gets and frankly isn't that what this post is all about! I remember seeing a profile on Outside the Lines of the "Tiger Woods of tennis" and it wasn't about Blake but rather this guy. Since Young isn't a halfie the honor goes to Blake.

9. Jarome Iginla - I know what you're thinking "who gives a shit about hockey" and I totally agree that hockey has lost its edge since they stopped highlighting the puck inthe all-star game and allowed the foxtrax technology to go by the wayside. Either way, I'm still enamored by some of the blood spewing fight graphics in Wayne Gretzky 64 and any man that can garner enough fandom to get his own song deserves to be on this list. If Jarome was piledriving one of Sean Avery's exes I'd have him about 4 spots higher.



8. Tahj Mowry - A precocious erudite with limitless knowledge of string theory, space time, and quantum physics doesn't seem like a contender for this list, but consider his competition. 1. The Famous Jett Jackson is some 15 shades darker than I remembered from his Silverstone days even though he and his sea green eyes did lead Florida to a national championship he is disqualified on pigmentation conspiracy theory. 2. Had Halle Berry been the one fellating the cracker in Swordfish her appearance on this list would be based on the Heather Brooke Scale (NSFW). Mowry, currently 22, has had a penchant for seeing double his entire life. Born the younger brother of one of TV's favorite sitcom duos, this two sport varsity athlete in basketball and football knows what it takes to perform in the clutch. I'm still not convinced that his athletic accolades tower above his roles as TJ Henderson and Michelle Tanner's little twat best friend Teddy, but the kid's got game and an Italian dad, so he's in.

7. Hines Ward - The only guy on this list who plays in a stadium that is a homonym of his name, Hines Ward is known league wide as the consummate gentleman. The first Afro-Asian in the top 10, he inherited his congenial behavior from his Korean mother. If that's the case it must be his father's genes that led to his shortening of Ed Reed's spinal column and this ragdoll physics collision. Hines will probably break the 10,000 yard/800 reception/80 TD plateau next year putting him in pretty exclusive company, but it may take another 12 years in the league before he ever approximates anything close to this.



6. Jason Kidd - Half man half pitbull, this guy is straight up ugly. I mean his son had a prominent dirt lip by the age of 3! Maybe the caterpillar lip comes from ex wife Joumana, who used to notoriously kick the crap out of Kidd, who knows. When he wasn't spending his time getting bitch slapped in bathtubs, this guy could straight up ball. Known for honing his skills on the streets of Oakland, Kidd used to improve his passing accuracy by targeting windows on a building and narrowly throwing the ball above them to not shatter the glass. Although his offensive efficiency has always been questioned (career 40% shooter) he's one of the best distributors of our time and checks in at 3rd all-time in triple doubles with now over 100. The post Dallas trade J-Kidd has been the defensive liability everyone imagined, but any man who led a team with semi pooper-stars Keith Van Horn and Kenyon Martin to two straight NBA finals and has a sweet Tupac Mix gets my seal of approval.



5. The Rock - There are at least two other contributors on this blog that could probably write a 10,000 word synopsis of the Rock's plight from WWF champion to C-list celebrity, but that ain't me. What I've always loved about Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was his ability to electrify a stadium with his charismatic mic presence and ever climbing eyebrow. He was one of the few wrestlers to have two signature moves and the only one featured in two versions of the Mummy. What some people might not know was that he played DT at the U and was actually a pretty good player. Aside from his rivalry with my favorite wrestler Austin 3:16, the Brahma Bull should forever be remembered for one of the greatest matches of all time....

Part 1


Part 2


4. Shane Falco - He can surf, he's a lefty, and chicks dig scars. What more can I say?



3. Derek Jeter - The captain and heartthrob of the Evil Empire, Derek Jeter is one of the most recognizable athletes in the country. Much acclaim has been given to his on the field accomplishments such as the 4 World Series rings, .316 career BA, and this play, but I think it's his off the field pursuits and pursuers that make Jeter such a lofty contributor to the mixed community. It recently came out in a book co-authored by Joe Torre called The Yankee Years that A-Rod has what amounts to a Man Crush on Jeter. I don't know if this means he gets wood beneath his jockstrap when Jeter undresses next to him or if he's jealous of the spotlight cast on him by the NY media. Either way, I have to jump on any chance to queue up A-Rod as a homo. Jeter has quite the track record of celebrity hookups from Scarlett Johannson and Vanessa Minnillo to the more recent rumors of everyone's favorite sweet heart gone skank Minka Kelly. But the most intriguing of all the starlets has to be Mariah Carey. This was the alpha couple of mixed relationships that could have reinvented the WB/WB genre and Mariah threw it away so she could learn the krump'd out choreography at the end of Drumline. That's a fucking shame.

2. Charles Barkley - Here's an anecdote from my childhood. As many of you know I grew up in Houston, Texas idolizing the Rockets and Hakeem Olajuwon. Back in the early 90's the Rockets and Suns always ended up meeting in the playoffs and I would sing "I Just Can't Wait to be King" every time Barkley went to the free throw line to distract him, and more often than not it worked. It think I was 6 or 7 years old when I was over one of my friend's houses watching a game and I turned to him and said, "Barkley is one of the best white players in the world." This incited some serious laughter from my friend's dad who went on to explain to me that Barkley was in fact black. (You have to understand that Barkley's skin tone is the exact shade as mine when I'm tan, and living in Texas I was perpetually tan.) Thereore, combining my original perception and the truth, Barkley ekes his way onto this list. Barkley is simply a freak, too unique to compare to any wishy washy Paul Milsap or other undersized PF. Barkley was Jordan's height and grabbed about 12 RPG for his career. Unfortunately, Sir Charles will be MIA from TNT for the next few months as he clears up his BJ riddled DUI charges. Just fucking enjoy this knuckleheads.



1. Tiger Woods - Currently standing as the richest and most successful athlete on the planet it only makes sense that the half Thai half African American Woods graces the top of this countdown. Not only is he my second favorite athlete ever, he stands as a true ambassador to his sport, much like Obama to our country. (Although the Fegonomist informs me that Tiger's public speaking at the inauguration was abysmal) Name it and Tiger has done it. Had kids with a smoking hot Swedish nanny, check. Made incredible chip ins and putts on the back 9 of the final round of a major, check and check. Been selected number 1 in the Racial Draft, fo shizzle. Made millions of kids want to learn how to juggle the pill on their club and smack it 200 yards, dunzo. Farted on live TV, hells ya.



Listen, Tiger won a US Open with a torn ACL and is only 4 major victories away from tying the Golden Bear as the best ever. I have a few Tiger Wheaties boxes and even attempted to Photoshop my face onto Tiger's on this ESPN the mag cover in a class once. Dammit I love Tiger, and you should too.

Profiles in Masturbation (NSFW)

The inspiration for this post was a conversation between the men of 357. I will do my best to preserve the integrity of the dialogue.

Background

To understand this conversation, you need to know what a Real Doll is. I'm virtually certain Mahktar is familiar with this, but for those of you less pornographically-inclined, Real Dolls are life-size, customizable, silicone sex dolls. They are manufactured by a California company called Abyss Creations and come in virtually any form you can imagine. Want big boobs? They can do that--try Body 3, 5, or 10. Want really, really, really big boobs? Body 9 is for you. Want an Asian? How about a black girl? They've got a wide variety of skin tones to choose from, including some that might surprise you. Want realistic tan lines to turn you on? They'll do it. Shaved, unshaved, extra pubes--whatever your fantasy, the good people at Abyss Creations will help you realize it, for only $6,499.

Now, you don't necessarily have to be a sexual deviant to have heard of Real Dolls, though it certainly helps. Real Dolls have been prominently featured in some legitimate, main-stream media, including recent artsy film Lars and the Real Girl, as well as Nip/Tuck, where one episode involves a character having sex with a real doll.

Real Dolls entered the collective consciousness of 357 last semester, when someone circulated this video, "Real Dolls and the Men Who Love Them." Before you start watching, be warned: this video is quite long, and the people it profiles are very weird, but if you're like me, you won't be able to look away. So make sure you've got plenty of time--and some privacy--before you start viewing.

What you'll see if you watch the video is that, to the men who buy them, Real Dolls aren't a hobby, they're a lifestyle. These guys don't just have sex with them; they name them, dress them, take them out for drives in the country, and generally treat them as if they were actual people. This relationship, the love affair between man and doll, is the subject of Lars and the Real Girl, though it seems considerably less creepy in Lars than it is in the documentary.

To understand the rest of this conversation, you'll also need to know what a fleshlight is. A fleshlight is basically a tube that is shaped like a pussy/ass/mouth that you stick your cock into. Anyway, there's not much more to fleshlights than that; they run around $60.

The Initial Argument

The reason these topics came up in the first place was because it was suggested that we purchase a Real Doll for the house. In order to help finance the cost of the Real Doll, we would let outsiders have sex with it, for a price. But what would the price be? This is the initial argument.

I said that $50 would be a pretty reasonable price to pay for an evening in the company of a Real Doll. Why? Well, for one thing, that's a fraction of the price one would pay for a prostitute. Now, I don't really know what an average prostitute costs, but disgraced ex-Governor Elliot Spitzer apparently paid upwards of $15,000 for seven or eight sessions with high class hooker Ashley Dupre, so I think it's safe to assume that a desirable prostitute could easily cost $500 to $1,000, or even more. To rent an escort for an evening is a little cheaper, but still upwards of $200, and that doesn't even guarantee sex. In comparison, fucking a Real Doll for $50 is a relative bargain.

Now, obviously, there are some serious disadvantages to a Real Doll as opposed to a real woman. Real Dolls don't act out fantasies for you--you act out your fantasy on them, which isn't at all the same. A real woman is an active participant--a doll isn't. On the other hand, you can do literally whatever you want with a Real Doll, something that cannot be said of a woman. If you have some really freaky tastes, a prostitute might indulge them, but it's gonna cost extra. Not so with a Real Doll--you do whatever you can imagine for a flat fee. Also, you might be willing to take some extra liberties with a doll, since it has no emotions and is therefore immune to humiliation and degradation. You might feel guilty shitting on a girl's chest, but a Real Doll will just lay there and take it, no questions asked. In addition, you can ride your Real Doll bareback, without worrying about STDs or getting a bitch pregnant. You want to ride a prostitute bareback? Have fun with herpes, dude.

Obviously, Real Dolls aren't for everyone, but if you're ready to spend a grand or more on a prostitute, dropping a General Grant on a Real Doll seems like a solid investment to me. Some people object to this, saying that an evening with a Real Doll wouldn't be worth more than $20, but that seems a little stingy to me. We've got to approach this from the perspective of someone who is actually considering paying for sex--and I think that Makhtar would definitely be willing to spend a little more than $20 in lieu of having to explain that he isn't Jordan Chui.

So that's my first question: would you pay for an evening with a Real Doll, and if so, how much?

The Secondary Argument

After debating for some time what an evening with a Real Doll should cost, we moved onto another issue, namely: how weird is fucking a Real Doll to begin with?

Now, the consensus is that sex with a Real Doll is definitely weird, but really, how weird?

To begin exploring this question, we have to examine two schools of thought. The first school of thought says that fucking a Real Doll is a form of masturbation; the second school of thought says that fucking a Real Doll is a form of sex.

Personally, I am of the first school. In my mind, sex with a Real Doll is just an advanced form of masturbation, aided by what amounts to a toy. Think about it for a second: isn't sex with a Real Doll masturbation by definition? You are the only real participant; the doll is involved, certainly, but it is passive, and cannot be said to be participating. You provide all of inputs, all of the active ingredients. The baseline for sex is that there are at least two inputs--otherwise, you're just fucking yourself, and that's masturbation, pure and simple.

Not that the second school of thought is without merit. When people talk about Real Dolls, they talk about having sex, not masturbating. There is definitely a sense that you are having sex--after all, you're putting your cock inside something. Something that isn't your hand. Something that looks like a lot like a woman. You aren't jacking yourself off in the traditional sense--rather, you're fucking, but what you're fucking is a doll. Proponents of this school believe that a Real Doll is a simulation of sex rather than a form of masturbation.

This is where fleshlights come in. One of my housemates made the argument that, while using a fleshlight is a sophisticated form of masturbation, using a Real Doll is very different, because it is a sophisticated simulation of sex.

Ah, but isn't masturbation itself a simulation of sex? You don't think about your hand while you're jacking off--you imagine yourself having sex, or at least, doing something sex related. The point of sex--from an objectively hedonistic perspective--is to cum. The point of masturbation is to cum. Masturbation is meant to be a substitute for sex, albeit a poor one. Without sex, there is no masturbation; it doesn't exist as an entity unto itself. You cannot conceive of masturbation as anything other than a simulation of sex.

So, if fleshlights and Real Dolls are both advanced forms and masturbation--and, as such, simulations of sex--then are they so different?

I say no. To me, on a scale of weirdness and sexual perversion, the same order of magnitude separates Real Dolls from fleshlights as separates fleshlights from conventional masturbation. The spectrum looks like this:

Beating it old school --1-- using a fleshlight --2-- fucking a Real Doll

The best analogy for this that I can come up with is that masturbation is like riding a bicycle, using a fleshlight is like riding a motorcycle, and fucking a Real Doll is like driving a car. Obviously, there's quite a difference between riding a motorcycle and driving a car, but to me the essential difference is between traveling under your power (the bicycle) and employing some form of engine to propel you (the motorcycle and car). Likewise, the essential difference is between masturbating au naturale or employing some form of prosthetic vagina--as far as I'm concerned, once you moved beyond your hand and into the realm of prosthetics, the rest is just details. A Real Doll is just a fleshlight with a body built around it.

So, my second question: with these arguments in mind, and relative to regular masturbation, how weird are fleshlights and Real Dolls?

The Tertiary Argument from Economics

Now, as we were having this discussion, Sleazer brought up an interesting point: if fleshlights and Real Dolls are actually that similar, why the huge discrepancy in price? After all, a Real Doll costs between 100 and 200 times as much as a fleshlight, so what does that discrepancy tell us? Sleazer and others argue that this discrepancy demonstrates the degree to which a Real Doll is weirder than a fleshlight. There could be some truth to this--fetish properties tend to be wildly more expensive by virtue of their weirdness, and the further you get away from the spectrum of sexual norms, the more expensive things get. We visited this relationship earlier when discussing the prostitute--if you want to do really freaky shit, like anal fisting or DVDA, you can expect to pay way more than the vanilla John who just wants some straight missionary.

But is this really what the price discrepancy reveals? I'm not convinced. To me, the discrepancy demonstrates not the relative weirdness of the two products, but rather, the relative sophistication of the sexual simulation. People pay huge sums of money for Real Dolls, not because they are exceptionally weird, but because they are the most realistic simulation of sex (and thus the highest form of masturbation) that money can buy. I think anyone would be hard-pressed to argue that Real Dolls are 100-200 times as weird as fleshlights, but a Real Doll might easily be 100-200 times as realistic a simulation as a fleshlight, given that for all intents and purposes a Real Doll is akin to fucking (a) a passed-out girl, (b) a coma girl, or (c) a dead body. A fleshlight, on the other hand, is a pocket vagina; I'm sure it feels great, but really, it can't give you the same realistic sensation of having sex.

The extension of this would be if there was a computer that could simulate sex in virtual reality. Imagine wearing a headset that gave you the total illusion of having sex--you can see the girl; you can feel and taste and smell the girl; she responds to whatever inputs you want and she takes an active role in the sex play; but, at the end of the day, you're still masturbating into a machine, albeit one that feels exactly like fucking a woman. Would such a simulation be way weirder than fucking a Real Doll? It would be weird, certainly, but it doesn't seem like a huge difference in perversion to me. The big difference is that the realism of the simulation would go up enormously, and as a result, a person would be likely to pay many times the price of a Real Doll for such a simulation. For this reason, to me, the Argument from Economics holds little water.

Finally, my third question: what does the discrepancy in price between the two objects suggest to you?

Conclusion

This has been an attempt to present the issues in a fair-minded and even-handed way. I am obviously of one mind, and despite my best efforts, that may have biased my presentation in some way. Therefore, I welcome any critcism of my analysis, and am happy to entertain other arguments.

For me, however, the difference between organic masturbation and the use of prosthetics is at least as big a leap as the one between fleshlights and Real Dolls. Also, any attempts to differentiate between the use of fleshlights as masturbation and the use of Real Dolls as sex is misconstrued, as both must be framed as forms of masturbation and, as such, simulations of sex.

If skiing was easy, it would be called snowboarding

Today I'm gonna be taking on the persona of Sal Masekela, mostly because he's the only black man I've ever really known/seen to be associated with a winter sport (more to come about this). So I'm stoked that the Winter X 13 is now in session, which means: fresh gear, fresh snow bunnies, deep powder, and gnarly wipeouts. Now growing up in VT, there's something special about powdery snow that really is indescribable to someone who wasn't really raised on crud, granular, and soft flakes. I akin it to something like, if fresh powder was a 1 girl (using the Binary Scale via Sleazer) who came over to your house once a year on a cold December morning, you would lick her asshole everyday til the grass came out again. Er.

These mountain lovers are the Rastas that you so fondly admired and envied in high school, with their laid back West Coast demeanor, positive vibes, unruly care towards personal hygiene, and impressive ganja-inhaling capacitance. How did they fail pre-algebra and still manage to take Airwalks to the next level? You got me. And while they don't run 4.3 40's, can't squat 700 lbs, and probably have chest sizes smaller than Keira Knightley, that doesn't make them any less hardcore than most athletes. The only person who has even dared traverse the "hybrid" designation of land to snow to land athlete is Jeremy Bloom, the sexiest punt returner/wideout to ever grace the turf, and unfortunately, didn't cut it to play with McNabbulous coming out of college, or with Ben Hamburgler and Hines Ketchup this season.



I guess the Olympics will have to do.

Introducing: Warren Miller, the godfather of freeskiing and ski films. This gramps ain't your typical crack walnuts by the fireside old man. With 59 ski classics and counting, I'm ready to anoint this man Abner Doubleday of the slopes. I've seen a handful of his films, and just like watching each successive bastard version of the Real World, why fix something when the junkies love it?



While my experience with snowboarding is limited to bunny hills, playing 1080 Snowboarding, and watching Mahktar metamorph into a fetus body (a la Benjamin Button) attempting to get down the mountain, that doesn't diminish my appreciation for one-plankers. In fact, given a chance to choose the diverging path between skiing and riding, I would have taken the latter. Skiers still hold the crown for snow supremacy, but only by a smidge, and the gap has been quickly closing. I'm constantly jealous of the boarder's lifestyle, full of rebellion, No Fear t-shirts, and unimaginably gorgeous women. This would be the appropriate moment to bring up everyone's flying tomato favorite, Shaun White (an astoundingly perfect blend of part Carrot Top, part RJ). Undeniably the best in his sport, the kid was hucking off cliffs while the rest of us were still trying to figure out the functionality of our dicks in relation to females.




Another man I am obligated to mention here is Levi LaVallee. At the time that I am writing this, he is about to dare history by transposing the infamous double backflip in the form of snowmobiling. He'll probably die doing this. I'm no Stephen Hawking, but I understand enough to know that twisting a 500 lbs machine two full rotations = BROKEN. ANKLES. Typically, I'm indifferent to snowmobiling, but anytime I can include Travis "My Hero" Pastrana, I will plug his name without shame.



Finally, I'll finish off the roster with Tanner Hall. There's a lot of things I could say about this kid. Besides ushering a new era of freeskiing, this technician slam dunks just about every competition he has ever participated in. Everything looks like a video game with him. Along with that, he's fostering a healthy rivalry with Simon Dumont, more of a raw talent, a Malone nipping at the heels of Jordan. Speaking of heels...



Tanner Hall And The Chads Gap - Awesome video clips here

BROKEN. ANKLES.

You know Cuthbert's Hotter

Every once in a while, you come across something on the internet that makes you just sit back and say, "Whoa." For me, this generally comes from some melange of the infamous Aurora Snow Gag Factor 5 clip (REALLY NSFW: Audio Here) and reading Kim Peek's Wikipedia page. However, today at work, I was left awestruck, not once, but twice--here are the nuggets of truth that left me speechless:

1. Kobe Bryant has played exactly as many seasons as Michael Jordan did with the Bulls.

and

2. Anne Hathaway is Askmen.com's #5 most desirable woman.

I'll address both in this post. Sports and chicks, that's what Fegonomics DOES!

Jordan vs.

Kobe's currently playing in his 13th season with the Lakers, which is exactly the number of years that Jordan played before hanging it up for the Bulls. Of course, this doesn't count the one and a half year secret suspension that David Stern forced Jordan to serve between the '93 and '95 seasons. (Sidenote: Is there anything better than a David Stern conspiracy theory? Between the videographic evidence of him RIGGING the 1985 draft, rumors that the Council of Foreign Relations of which he is a member, is actually the New World Order, and him phantom suspending Michael Jordan for his gambling problem, this guy is involved in more seedy activity than the Juice himself).

All heresay and speculation aside, one thing is certain. No one in the NBA right now will ever match Jordan as a player, or transcend the game like he did. Not Kobe. Not Xanax Duncan. Not even 'BronBron (Even though he is making a concerted effort to become a "global icon").
I arrive at this conclusion for two reasons, one obvious, the second a little less so

I mean, clearly, a player's going to be VERY hard pressed to be as clutch as #23 was. Think about how ludicrous it is that he has his own clutch shot mixtape. Most players have trouble even having their own Dunk mixtape. Case in point: The Birdman.

You just got... JACKED UP!

The blog is back, baby!

This isn't going to be a long post--wouldn't want to steal Sleazer's thunder after his dynamic debut as the least-anonymous blogger of all-time--but I just had to share a couple of videos, inspired by that sternum-crushing, testicle-rocking Kimbo Slice hit.

First, this profile of Jack "The Assassin" Tatum, one of the NFL's most legendary hitters. He makes Roy Williams look like Deion Sanders. And, if you've ever seen him get scorched deep by Kevin Curtis or another #3 receiver, you'll know this is the only time Roy will ever get mentioned in the same sentence as Prime Time.



(The sound is a little off--but just watch the hits at 2:13 and 2:52).

And then there's this video that would make The Undertaker proud. I don't know how this hasn't found its way onto this site already (if it has, my bad). Truly one of the greatest things I have ever seen on a football field.



God bless you, Chris Clemons.

Up next: the dirtiest players in sports and my speculations about how their performance on the field translates into performance in the bedroom.

The Binary Solution

Formulation of a system:
By far the most used evaluation system for women has to be the 1-10 scale. It was introduced to us all sometime between 4th and 8th grade, actually discussed in high school, and thanks to "The Game" perhaps overly used in college. There is definitely a universal understanding when you hear "she's a 7, maybe an 8". Every fego (or lack thereof) on the planet understands that. Whether or not it's the most accurate, or most precise system is less concrete...


Purpose of Said System:
The purpose of any such system has to be to create an atmosphere in which people are comfortable assessing a woman's sexual worth from a purely superficial standpoint. If this is something that disgusts you, quit reading and go play some tennis. If not, here's the scoop:

The 1-10 system has no application to girlfriends, fetish crushes, and the like because it is way too judgmental. There's no way of delicately evaluating a woman without offending the person who might have some emotional attachment, or the patient suffering from a form of "yellow fever" by saying, "eww, dude that girl is a 4 at best". The goal of the proposed system will be to foster healthy talk about the female sex and to promote hookup quantity and general self esteem. Because we all know what happens when you got sexual frustration on your mind.

Case Study of the 1-10 Scale:
If I recall correctly, one Howard Hsu had an encounter with what he dubbed a "B-" girl at the end of this summer. While not exactly the 1-10 scale, once we calculate GPA and whatnot we're clearly headed in the same direction...
All discussion of this B-, and I'm serious on this Zap, because as the Turk in this Howard-Zap/JD-Turk love affair you know that even they have a rule regarding desperate times. All discussion of my big-titted lab partner aside, there has to be a better way of telling howard that a B- might be overvaluing someone on a Trung Candidate level, even if you do have a thing for boobs (which Howard vehemently claims is not true for him).





Clearly the 1-10 scale has some issues...

Enter the Binary Scale:
For all you math-incompetent fegos, a binary scale is a different numbering system based upon base 2 as opposed to base 10. Instead of changing decimal places after 9, you change after 1, and each decimal place is worth twice that of the previous one instead of 10 times. So the number 9 in binary would be 1001 (because 8+1=9). See: here for more info.
To cut to the chase, the binary scale evaluates a woman as either a 0 or a 1. 1 being someone you'd fuck, 0 being someone you wouldn't. To give credit where credit is due, the juniors of 357 deserve some props for introducing me to the binary system.

Primary Applications: Put the binary scale into action and you've got a system that just gives your gut opinion on the matter. Sure it might be fun to argue the ins and outs of whether or not someone is a 7.5 or 8, but who the fuck really cares. For all of you with a little piece to come home to, this might sound fun, but I'm saying this for the people on the meat market, "The Binary Scale is your friend". Nevertheless, caution must be exercised in that the binary scale gives you no right to be pursuing specimens just because they have supple points.

A 1 is a 1:
Maybe the best part of the binary system is that there's no separation between the cream of the crop and the above average. All this does is encourage the use of actual words instead of "9.5 baby!" So while people like Zap are grilling you on the night's escapades and living vicariously through you, you can give a detailed description or choose to leave it at "she was a 1".
Honestly, I can't think of any drawbacks to the binary system except for the fact that by using it you seem like kind of a creep. But isn't grading women on a 1-10 scale creepy to outsiders anyways? From where I stand, creepiness has never been an issue or a concern. The binary scale encourages the pursuit of hookups, not the overanalysis and overthinking that can happen when we're out there sarging. With the binary scale, the idea is to go for it since she's a 1 and nothing else matters. Whether or not the binary scale leads to more hookups, more sex or more of anything is debatable, but the ideology behind it supports a potential correlation and causation.

Permutations and Rules:
First off, it's unacceptable to ever use any decimal places, fractions, percentages or any other mathematical operators on the binary scale. Because that clearly defeats the purpose. Anything that just modifies, but doesn't change the actual numbers is probably fine. For instance, "She's a 0, but I think she has Ed McCaffrey like upside" only helps our understanding and preserves the integrity of the system. That's definitely kosher.

Ok, now that I've popped my posting cherry, don't expect anything for another 6 months.

You want me to put it away?! I'll put it away

I don't think I have a sufficient attention span to write a very focused post today, so you're gonna get some circuitous rambling, and you're going to like it:

I'll say this much, I think that this season was the worst NFL season I've ever been privy to. I'm sure part of it is that I'm a really sore loser, and I can't handle the fact that my MJD/Steven "Pred" Jackson-led Ronald Curry Sauce's and upstart Chubby and the Fat Boy's both ended the season in the fetal position. However, much of my disenchantment with this season stems from my belief that it was defined more by who wasn't playing than the guys that were padding up week-in and week-out.

Think about it, the defining moment of this season was Tom Brady's knee getting shredded like the Asian guy from Saw early in week 1 (PS: Why hasn't anyone ever ID'ed Brady as a proto fetus body? Kid looks like Resnick sans massive amounts of body hair). Similarly, Lightswitch Merriman had like two tackles before shutting it down for the season, and LDT was a candy shell of his former self. I understand that injuries are an inherent reality of the game--when you have people with world class speed and strength colliding every week, shit's bound to pop off. Still, keeping that in mind, I can't remember a season where virtually no production came from the consensus #1 Qb, #1 RB, and a top 10 defensive player (People can say that LDT had an ok season, but I still don't believe that he was value-added above Sproles).

2008/2009 was the "alternative music" of NFL seasons--it wasn't defined by what happened, rather, it was defined by what didn't happen. This wasn't the season that Brady threw for 5500 yards and 60 TD's. This wasn't the season that LDT brought the Kimbo Slice dojo to legitimacy. This wasn't the year that Lightswitch Merriman went all Bas Rutten on Big Ben's already shattered face. Here we are, left in the void of these stars, pondering the probablistic cloud of what this season could have been.

This reminds me a little of Real World: Hollywood. At its outset, it had the makings of being one of the most entertaining seasons of the Real World in recent memory. You had two of the most dynamic characters in Real World history: Joey, the alcoholic, catch phrase spewing manchild doing his best Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde interpretation and Greg, the pompous "chosen one," pissing off everyone in his path. Unfortunately, a confluence of circumstances led to both of these dodes leaving the show prematurely, and leaving us to watch a bunch of zero personalities for the balance of the episodes. I'll wonder for the rest of my life what would have happened had Greg and Joey stayed on. In this alternate world, would Greg punch Dave in the gut so hard that his innards spill out like so many punching bags? Probably. I'm sorry we never got the chance to see. Greg and Joey, we hardly knew ye.

Fortunately, the new season of the Real World looks like it can stand on the pumpkin shoulders of these titans.
*Spoiler Alert*
I'll preface any analysis of the Brooklyn season by saying that this is probably the most physically limited cast since RW: Hawaii. Well...let me amend that statement. It seems as though all the physical potential of this cast has been amassed in the rock hard abs of Scott, the Ken-Doll stud muffin (Also the resident expert on "Look at my pubes"). Outside of Scott, the lone hottie is Baya, the hip-hop influenced ilk of Bug Bugden. The rest of the cast is pretty average.

Oh wait, I forgot, there's a tranny on this year, Katelynn. She seems to be pretty interesting and fairly well spoken, but the only thing I can really consider at this point is how hilarious her entrance into the RW house must have been, with everyone thinking in the back of their head, "That's a fucking DUDE."

I really enjoyed the season premiere. It seems like they've taken their foot off the "let's get pretty people as much White Zinfindel/Coke as possible and see what happens" pedal.



It's a sad realization that we probably won't see any "Ooopppsss" caliber moments this season, but what they lack in explosiveness, the Brooklynites make up in actual personality. There was even a pretty coherent discussion of the realities of war with the Michael Cera wannabe, Ryan. What I'm saying is that there's a possiblity that the show's going to return to its roots, as a magnifying glass to the pertinent issues of our times. This could be the defining moment for the Obama generation.

Ah, who am I kidding, I just want to see the tranny try to give Ryan head while he's working on the striations in his ass. There's a glimmer of hope.

The same can't be said for the NFL. There's a distinct possibility that we'll see the shartiest Super Bowl since Ravens/Giants in 2001 (Though at least it gave us probably one of the top 10 hottest moments of Britney Spears' career)



That tube sock gets me every single time.

I don't even really want to discuss the playoffs, cuz I don't think it's worth the effort. The lone upshot is that we're probably going to be able to see Larry Fitzgerald show us how much of an ATLien he is on sports' biggest stage. A primer:



If you guys need me on Sunday, I'll be doing something more worthwhile than watching a 4 and a 6 seed battle it out...like look for a Kelly Anne on "Freaks of Cock" gallery.

PS: I couldn't think of a smooth way to incorporate this video, but I think it's worth a look cuz of the blending of preternatural athletic talent with fego music:

We are the Chumpions

Conventional wisdom suggests that defending a title in professional sports is the most difficult of encore gigs. Teams inevitably come down from that winner's high with superstars finally shedding that "best to never win a ship" stigma and role players rejoicing over local college delis naming signature sandwiches after them. It's like when Ben Gibbard pulls out the acoustic at the end of a Death Cab show and plays I Will Follow you Into the Dark.



Your body experiences a tremendous relief as you slip into an ethereal trance and become complacent after what has just transpired. Oh wait, that's just me being a fego. Either way, when the entire league is running for your jewels it's hard to defend. But not in basketball. Since 1986 there have been 9 instances in which the NBA champion was simply readjusting the Larry O'Brien trophy on its own mantle. That's nearly coin flip odds that the Champ will retain the belt and that discounts the Merlin led Spurs squads that decided winning on odd years would be oh so posh. That should make me feel pretty good about my boys in green launching another parade on the Pru, but dismissing statistical wisdom, I don't. The Celtics are in the midst of a 2-6 (Note:2-7 after the Cavs loss, but this post was made before that) slide that includes losses to the dysfunctional Knicks, heartless Warriors, and anemic Bobcats as well as lessthanquality blowouts over the Wizards and the Sacramento Queens. With a game between the eastern conference's new poster child, the Cavs, tonight here are some things Boston must do to right the ship to eventually keep the 'ship.

How could you be so Defenseless?

During the Celts 19 game win streak (which I'll address in my next Scottie Pippen post) they were holding teams to a paltry 40% shooting and outrebounding opponents like a cracked out Shawn Kemp. After removing his Hannibal Lecter mask and being allowed to address the media, KG was adamant that the championship lull wouldn't affect the C's because they were a team predicated on leadership, defense, and intensity. It's true, the Celtics were feeding off of their superstar and playing great team defense, forcing teams to beat them with their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th options. Take a look at the leading scorers of the other team in the six recent losses: Kobe(27), Cap'n Jack (28), Steve Blake (21), Wilson Chandler (31), Ray Felton (25), and Yao (26). With the exception of Blake (Roy hurt Aldridge (20)) and a Mike D'Antoni philosophy that doesn't discriminate against point distribution, these are the scorers that the teams want to run their offense through. Other teams are getting the ball to who they want when they want to and these guys are beating us. Granted these numbers are a little flawed because it was actually Gasol and Augustin who torched the C's in their respective games, but the point is that the Celtics have lost their greatest advantage, their relentless D. In order to re-establish their swagger there needs to be more on court communication. They're missing switches by overplaying on the pick and roll leading to easy dunks for big men. Also when is KG gonna step up and guard the best big on the other team? Perk is like Kimbo Slice, sans beard, and hides the technical flaws in his game with pretty knockouts (1.8 BPG) and his giant traps.



With the age factor slowly becoming more predominant I expect defensive issues to plague the Celts for the entirety of the playoffs.

Second Half Slacking

Celtic's announcer Mike Gorman pointed out that during the winning streak the Celtics dominated the third quarter. It's probably the only intelligent point that any Celtics booth guy has ever made so I decided to check it out. The Celts outscored their opponents in the third by a +6.5 margin during the streak and are getting outscored by a -3.3 margin in the six losses. That 10 point difference would have earned them the win in all but one game. So why is this happening now? In all the games I've watched the Celts have either run into a streaky shooter or just fallen into long droughts devoid of scoring. During the losing they've also been outscored by an average of 6 points in the fourth, a product of players not being able to create their own shot or settling for turn around jumpers. Which leads me to my next concern...

Rondo Factor

More like non-factor. Rondo let all of the All-Star worthy press go to his head and punched his ticket to Phoenix a little prematurely. The Fat Lever comparisons have given way to Fat Albert, oh wait wrong Celtic, and he's playing with less self-esteem than a girl Reptile would hook up with. Instead of setting the tempo by pushing the ball down court after made buckets and long rebounds he's settling for a half court offense that looks like this with corresponding time on the shot clock included.

(:22) Walk ball over court and call out a play
(:19) Force ball into Garnett
(:16) Get ball from Garnett and scurry across the baseline
(:13) Throw ball to Pierce at top of key
(:09) Get ball from Pierce and force into a more out of position KG
(:03) KG fadeaway
(:01) BRICK

Listen Rajon, I love how you and Cassell could make up the greatest extra terrestrial backcourt of all-time, but it's time to come back down to earth and start getting to the bucket. If you're wide open shoot the damn ball and don't be afraid to go to the foul line. Don't let Doc bully you around anymore.

Doc "Poop" Brown and the Farty McFlies

It's beginning to feel like Doc has hopped in the Delorean, juice it up to 88 mph, and now we're "seeing some serious shit".



Doc has started his puppetmaster routine where he micromanages the game, yanking around minutes and crushing people's confidence. At least Big Baby has cemented himself as one of the least productive player's in the league to get 15 minutes a night! The prime example was the Rockets game that Mahktar and I attended the other night. Up by 3 coming into the fourth Doc decided that resting 3/4 of the big 3 featuring Rajon Rondo for the first five minutes would help make the game more competitive. The Rockets went on a signature run and pretty much closed the door until Startest fouled out to give us one last hope that was dashed by Vonilla Wafer. Doc doesn't have much to turn to in the bench right now and we're finally starting to feel the effects of Scal getting 5-10 minutes of burn a night in hopes of notching a trillion. Hopefully Doc gets the recipe right tonight and understands that this is as must win as midway season games get.

The King and his Cavs

So now that I'm depressed about our chances tonight and the lingering prospect of LeBron dropping 70 on us, I want to discuss the legitimacy of this Cavs team. I was lucky enough to go to opening night this year when the Celts smote King Bron and his foot soldiers and noticed a few things. The first is that Mo Williams is a crazy good shooter and will knock down anything from 15 feet and out consistently. He is undersized and only plays average defense, but he is definitely a new toy for LeBron. Delonte West is an above average shooter and floor general and can stand in as point guard or knock down a three when called upon. He may have the lowest IQ in the entire NBA, but his basketball knack is uncanny.



Before I start jacking these guys off I want to point out one scarlet letter of a stat. The Cavs are 1-3 vs. the top 4 teams in the east. They have lost to Boston, Detroit, and Atlanta and have yet to play the Dwight Howards. The Cavs are also 18-0 at home and rely heavily on this advantage. They've beaten most of the teams they should aside from the "Crab Dribble" game and I think the jury is still out on whether or not they can put it all together come June. Of course when everything is failing they hold the almighty trump card in LeBron and all those Cavs haters should check out this stat. Since 1990, the MVP of the league has played in the finals 11 times. That's over 60% of the time and includes the Steve Nash heists. Assuming LeBron continues this season as the most productive EVER it's safe to say the award is his. Yes I am scurred, but I still think the C's have a shot to upstage the Cavs tonight to stop the hemorrhaging. As for a seven game series, we might be settling for the chumpionship as the King takes his place on his throne.

The Mouseketeers

Like many of you, I've spent an exhausting number of hours the last few nights watching Brian Billick argue with Mike Ditka over beverage distribution, and an even more ungodly number of hours learning that the only substantive difference between the new F-150 and every previous model is that they built toolboxes into the walls of the bed. As Mahktar would say, "Oh, graayt." However, in between all the talk about drinkability, I've managed to watch some pretty solid football.

While there were a few pretty enjoyable games on this weekend--including the Larry Fitz/Quan Boldin Freakshow that went down in Arizona--my favorite game of the weekend was undoubtedly the Saturday night dogfight between the Chargers and Colts. This game was clearly the marquee match up of the first round--how often do the two hottest playoff teams face off in Round One?--but, in my mind, it had a few other things going for it:

(1) I actually got off my ass and went to a sports bar to watch this one, which was a terrific decision, since they had pitchers of Blue Light for $7.50. By the end of regulation, I had entered a raffle to win a kegerator and was talking loudly about not being attracted to black women, so you know I must've had a good time.

(2) Always more fun to watch a game with a well-defined enemy. Thanks, Peyton.

(3) Darren Sproles.

Okay, so, I'm as disappointed as everyone else that LT ain't LT no more, and might never be again. It was exciting to see him start things off with a thirteen yard run, but when we're getting excited about thirteen yard runs, it probably means you aren't a feature back anymore. Maybe he'll bounce back next year--but I know I won't be drafting him as long as Earnest Graham is still on the board.

However, there's definitely a silver-lining to LT's decline, and its been the emergence of the original waterbug himself, D. Sproles. What is not to love about this guy? He runs the ball, he catches the ball, he returns kicks and punts, he tries his very hardest to block, and he has a speech impediment! Not to mention the fact that he's 5'6 and weighs approximately as much as the left half of Ted Washington. He's basically a fast, black, grown-up version of Jonathan Lipnicki--except for the fact that Jonathan Lipnicki grew up, and apparently, is now King of the Fegos:

At any rate, Sproles is the man, and he certainly showed it on Saturday, racking up 300+ total yards and scoring two TDs, including the game-winner in OT. Now, granted, he nearly fumbled the game away in the fourth quarter, but again, the guy is the same size as Fego Meyers, a fact that got me thinking about something: Who are the greatest short athletes of all-time?

There's a few criteria that went into compiling this list. Since it is in honor of D-D-D-Darren's gutsy performance, I'm using his height as the cutoff, so everyone over 5'6 is ineligible (sorry, Flutie). Also, extra credit is given to athletes in sports that favor size, so you won't find jockeys or flyweight boxers. Lastly, this list isn't in any particular order, it's just a compilation of my favorite Hall of Fame shorties.

And now, without further ado, the Darren Sproles-Mouse Meyers Memorial All-Stars:

Muggsy Bogues

Okay, so, this one is a no-brainer. Not only was Muggsy a personal hero of mine growing up--his teal, now throwback Charlotte Hornets jersey still hangs from the rafters of my closet--but the dude played in the NBA for 14 years despite being only 5'3. Marinate on that for a minute: 5'3. Most guys can't make the JV basketball team in 10th grade at 5'3, but Muggsy not only made it to the NBA, he was a lottery pick (12th overall in 1987). And he wasn't no benchwarmer when he got there: dude averaged 7.6 assists per game over his entire career (14th best all-time, just ahead of Bob Cousy), including a six-year run for the Hornets where he averaged 9.3 per game. Only a handful of the NBA's greatest PGs have ever had a stretch like that.

Not only was he slick at dropping dimes, but Muggsy could shoot a little rock, too, making 45.8 percent of his shots, a much higher percentage than shoot-first points like Stephon Marbury (43.4) and Allen Iverson (42.6). In his best season, 1996, the little man averaged a double-double, with 10.8 ppg and 10.1 apg, and even pulled down 4 rebounds per game!

But the best thing about Muggsy Bogues was his character in NBA Live '96. The guy looked like one of those tiny/huge/fat/skinny characters you create just to see how ridiculous they'll look on the court, except because he was real, he was actually legit to play with. I spent countless hours trying to get him to do the dunk animation--there were rumors that he could get above the rim but wasn't able to palm the ball--but to no avail. Try doing that with Earl Boykins in 2K8--it just ain't the same, mang.

Spud Webb

While he didn't have as strong a career as Muggsy, Spud Webb gave hope to Lilliputians everywhere with one of the most exciting upsets in the history of meaningless sporting events, his triumph in the 1986 Slam Dunk contest. Just watch the video--the shit is straight beasting. Plus, he once dunked over Manute Bol, and we can only assume he would've posterized Shawn Bradley if Bradley wasn't so busy getting posterized by literally every other NBA player.

Diego Maradona

Even if you aren't a soccer fan, you've probably heard of El Diego, as he's widely regarded as one of the two best footballers of all-time. At 5'5, he was three inches shorter than Pele, his main competition. His career accomplishments are pretty insane: four World Cups for Argentina (including 1986, when he played every single minute of the tournament and captained them to victory); a UEFA Cup Championship in 1989; 345 career goals; and one mother of a cocaine addiction. Diego loved the yeyo so much that he was eventually suspended from playing soccer for 15-months after repeatedly failing his drug tests. His time away from the game essentially ended his career as a top performer, but he played for a few more years, and continued to snort massive amounts of blow well after his playing days were over.

While soccer doesn't favor height quite as much as other sports--Peter Crouch is an obvious example of this--Diego clearly belongs on this list. To be a professional in any sport at 5'5 is hard enough, but Maradona was among the all-time best, drug abuse or not. His "Hand of God" goal against England in the '86 semifinals is one of the most internationally famous plays in all of sports. Plus, I got to see him score a goal in person against the shitty Greek nationals at the '94 World Cup, the last goal of his World Cup career--so he's making the list regardless.

Lionel Messi

"What? We just did a soccer player!" Shut the fuck up. I don't care. He gets compared to Maradona all the time, so sticking him here makes the most sense. Now, there may be some debate as to whether I have fudged my own criteria, as Messi is listed at 5'6 1/2 by wikipedia. However, most sources have him listed as 169cm, which translates to a little under 5'6, so I'm letting this happen.

While Messi doesn't have anything as interesting as a speech impediment or a drug addiction (yet), he did have a growth hormone deficiency growing up, which is worth something in my book. When he signed with FC Barcelona, at age 11, he was barely over 5' and 100 pounds. Today, he's regarded as one of the best footballers in the world, having won back-to-back-to-back AAU National Championships (whoops, I meant Young Player of the Year Awards, sorry).

David Eckstein

David Eckstein doesn't get a video because he's never done anything exciting enough to make into a video. I hate David Eckstein. He's overrated, overhyped, and overpaid. But because I artificially limited my list to athletes 5'6 and under, he's the only legitimate player in Major League Baseball I could find that was short enough. Eddie Gaedel, the dwarf that Bill Veeck trotted out as a publicity stunt for the St. Louis Browns in 1951, stood only 3'7, but he also had only one at bat, and could hardly be called an athlete. Joe Morgan, a two-time NL MVP, almost made the cut at 5'7.

Fuck you, David Eckstein.

(On further examination, Freddie Patek, an all-star shortstop for the Royals during the 1970s, was only 5'5 and would make a perfect addition to this list. However, I've decided to leave the Eckstein section in, because seriously, fuck you, David).

Scott Hamilton

Scott Hamilton is 5'4. He won the Gold Medal in Figure Skating at the 1984 Olympics in Sarajevo. Apparently, he's not gay, so go figure, right? However, he is adopted, so we can still make fun of him for that.

Rod Tidwell

Okay, I admit, Cuba Gooding Jr is a little bit too tall for this list. But that doesn't necessarily mean Rod Tidwell is too tall. Jack Bauer is clearly taller than Kiefer Sutherland--why can't Rod Tidwell be a little shorter than Cuba? From the movie, all we know is that he's "undersized," and that's all I need. Plus, he's the fourth-leading receiver in Arizona Cardinals history, and he goes over the middle! Case closed.

This list could go on, but I'm getting a little bored, and I think you all get the idea. So here's to the greatest Mouseketeers of all-time! Next up: a more interesting list of athletes.