Brett Favre on Draft Day: This was too good not to embedUnfortunately, the beginning of the season represents something entirely different to me....something for which I will be eternally remoseful. I've tried for years to hide from my mistakes, but ultimately, ignoring the truth is never the answer. But I'm done with caring what people think. Of penitence I've had enough. Of penance there has been none. It's time that I came clean....
In many ways, I was a late bloomer--I didn't really start going out or macking on girls until about Junior year of high school and I had just shed my adolescent bitch tits the previous summer. In fantasy sports, I was no different. With all of my friends from high school either WOW dungeon masters or Winslow Homers for the Broncos, I had no outlet for my self-proclaimed encyclopedic sports knowledge until I got to college. After feeging out with Earnest and the Dream for a year, I secured the honor of an invitation into the Dream's 8 team, IDP fantasy league.
For those of you unfamiliar with the term, IDP stands for Individual Defensive Player, the red-headed step child of most of the league formats that are commonly the default on most fantasy sites (ESPN, Yahoo, so on...). Whereas most leagues merely require you to craft the offense, IDP leagues force owners to contemplate both sides of the ball. Suddenly, big guys like Takeo Spikes and Adewale "African Prince" Ogunleye became assets (Scoring roughly comparable to your average TE). You're likely to hear this repeatedly from me during the course of this post, but it sounded like a good idea at the time....
Blame it on the exotic league format. Blame it on our collective fantasy inexperience. Fuck, blame it on the fraa-aaa-aa-aankenstein. Whatever the cause, some fucked up shit went down in that draft, and I was at the center of the storm. How bad did it get? Well, how about you and I take a brief tour down memory lane...
Round 1 - 2
In the first two rounds, I stuck with the classic fantasy formula of drafting two stud RB's in the first two rounds. Obviously it helps that the people in the 1 and 2 slots made the classic n00b mistake of drafting big name quarterbacks because they seem important. Though, I can't criticize too much, as the next year, I channeled negrodamus and predicted a 5000 yd 45 TD comeback season by a kneeless Daunte Culpepper. The ill-advised homer pick of Julius Jones was merely a harbinger of the maelstrom that was to come, the poopgas that became...:Round 3
What's worse is that my Ravens blunder probably wasn't even the biggest mistake of this round. Nah, that'd be the 17th overall pick, one Keith Bulluck. This is the part in an ESPN fantasy article where you see the Matthew Berry break down the statistics of Bulluck and the players who were still available, showing how big of a blunder Kanye's Dream Machine made. I'm not going to do that here because it's Keith Fucking Bullluck, you can imagine how bad this pick was--basically it was the fantasy equivalent of this:
I won't bore you with the rest of the details, but the rest of the draft proceeded in this manner, with profound value picks being juxtaposed with defensive and kicker poopocalypses. I'm just glad to say that I'm no longer a fantasy neophyte and I can draft soundly even under the greatest of pressures.
Oh wait, I panic picked Frank Gore and Kevin Smith in the first and third round this year...aphhhhbbbtttt.
Bonus: Degrassi Freak
Nina Dobrev
Dobrev played temptress Mia Jones on the Canadian dramedy Degrassi: The Next Generation. I'm a huge fan of this show because it's basically a watered down version of Dawson's Creek. And now you're going to see a lot of this girl this fall, as she's the star of the CW's Vampire Diaries. Bonus points: she's fucking hot.
A few things of note:
ReplyDelete1.)This was a 2 QB league that could be won with 2 monster slingers as was proved by the .25 points per completion. Fuck it, I didn't know what I was doing.
2.) I was not Kanye's Dream Machine. My moniker was Gimme the Damn Ball. In Kanye's defense Keith Bulluck was the best defensive player in our league the previous year. He netted the same amount of points as a good 3rd WR.
3.) Makhtar actually had a really good team. The Baltimore D was very very destructive that year and LT was a freak of cock. Unfortunately I pumped and dumped him in the semis and he officially anointed me as the chosen one.
4.) I won the league by convincing Earnest to trade me the Larry twins (Fitzgerald and Johnson) for the ohso hideous fecal platter of Drew Bledsoe and Muhsin Muhammed. With my number 1 pick Priest Holmes praying to the ACL gods, LJ turned into a cracked out grammama and had the greatest 8 game stretch in RB history. Literally: 1244 rushing yards, 15 total TDs, and 228 receiving yards, in HALF a season. Still blows my mind.
Top 3 Worst Times to Shart:
ReplyDelete3. In yoga class, during a meditation. Not only is it a quiet, peaceful environment, but everyone is in a heightened state of concentration. All of this serves to enhance the experience of the shart and eliminates any chance of escaping with anonymity. Also, if you're a girl, you're probably wearing tight stretch pants, which makes the shart even more disgusting. because there's nothing sexier than a yoga girl in stretch pants, and SHAME ON YOU FOR RUINING THAT FOR ME! If you're a dude, well, you just embarrassed yourself irredeemably in front of a classroom full of hot girls. Time to find a new yoga class.
2. In a hot tub. Maybe you should've considered how loose your asshole was before you let it rip in a clear water environment.
1. With a dick in your ass. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, there's no anal sex faux pas like shitting on your partners dick. You might argue that this is less embarrassing than the other two because the embarrassment is private rather than public. I disagree, on the grounds that (a) it's worse to embarrass yourself in such an intimate and vulnerable setting; (b) you definitely aren't gonna be having sex for awhile; and (c) your embarrassment will no doubt be made public if/when you break up, because for the pitcher, that story is too good not to tell. "Oh, a girl once threw up while you were making out? My ex shit on my dick." And, given that you have a penchant for shitting on his dick, chances are you WILL be breaking up.